Walk Away

Like salt rubbing deeply into old wounds

The acts of deception continue forth

In a flurry of oblivious moments

The owl is watching

It seeks through each and every dark act

And hollers out… who

She hears not

Choice has caused her selective deafness

The agendas move on with no participants

When will she notice there are no actors for her scenes

I am at a crossroads

I have been here before

Each time I arrive I have greater understanding

Times past I have chosen my direction in levels of anger

Stronger than levels of understanding

Now a shift has occurred and understanding is greater than anger

Yet the chosen road clearly now the same

Walk away

There are no pawns left for her to suck me back in

There is no confusion for me to return thinking my anger needs resolution

I am free

I choose with anger and understanding of my choice

Not rigidly or with the charge of never or forever

Just simply

Walk away

I have done my time

And akin to an inmate

The prison has become a place known and safe even in its oppression

What lies beyond the gates of this compound is enticing

This has filled me with fear until now

This moment freedom has washed those fears away

I enact myself

My power

And clearly state no more

I do not give you my power

I walk away

Engtovo ~ April 9, 2002

Soul Pushed Forward

I will not break down

My spirit remains true

As my body faltered

My soul pushed forward

And now pulls my body back to harmony

As my mind wandered and questioned

My soul pushed forward

And brings my mind understanding and wisdom

As my emotions feared and twisted me into turmoil

My soul pushed forward

And brought me a peaceful heart in the midst of chaos

The world crashes and burns

My soul pushes forward

To change that which can be changed

To speak truth on those things that will not change

Others question and bury their heads in the sand

Refusing to hear the answers to what they’ve asked

My soul pushes forward

And will not look away from the truth because of fear

Changing this world requires knowing this world

How can we hope to change that which we refuse to look at and learn the truth of

The pain therein has enveloped me

And caused me to want to hide

But my soul pushed forward

With the intent that I will go on

Despite the pain I see or feel

There is no true escape

There is no drug that can shut out what a soul knows

A mind can be drugged to appease the emotion that flows forth from thought

But a soul will accept responsibility for the co-creation with the all

Even when your part of the creation is the choice of ignorance

With that in mind I choose to consciously take my part in the responsibility

Doing as I can to share truth that teaches others how to do the same

Offering an alternative to ignorance

Thus serving the evolution of the whole

It is for this intent my soul has pushed forward

And will continue to push forward with God as guiding force

I will not break down

Engtovo ~ December 12, 2001

Mine Is A Solo Journey

Explosions

Detonating emotions

Flying freely

Dangerous place to beT

hose who are wise should seek shelter

There is no bottom on this pit

There are ample sparks to ignite the dry tinder

The drought has exacerbated this condition

But when the rains come flood ensues

When will balance be struck

I am engaging in combat

But there is no war

No ones sees the scars

That I have received from flying debris

From earth they are ignorant of what has been accomplished

It angers and saddens me that they choose to remain ignorant

What a privilege it is

To be allowed to remain impoverished of God

I cannot

Will not

Participate in the propagation of this ignorance any longer

I will not support their limitation

Through protection

Let them engage in combat for themselves

And I only be responsible for myself

There is no organization for this combat

As no war is declared

No oaths have been spoken

No allegiances formed

It has been one for all

But the all has not supported the one

The one shall now be true to itself

Loyal to itself

Free to be itself

I am not a cretin

I am a single expression of my choosing

I will not be defined by the truth of the ignorant

I will not be held down

There is only one pathway that is mine

It is not sharedA

s each has their own

No one will attempt to steal my journey

Compete for or claim my path

It cannot be taken it is mine as

God hath given it only to me

Find your own path

That God has given you

I will no longer light your way

I will not go before you and remove the booby traps

Your combat is your own

Your grid is your own to care take

I will not feel sadness for you

I will not see you as victim

I will not feel guilt for your choices

It is I who should not have allowed you to follow

I am removing myself

Do not confuse your journey and mine

Do not confuse my work and your own life

My pathway is narrow and steep and quick

Do not try to tread upon it

You are not prepared

Take your own path

Perhaps your path includes multiple lifetimes yet

That is between you and God

My path will tolerate no more explosions

I am tired of rebuilding it as I go

The trek itself is difficult enough

So go home

Turn around

Go find the fork in the road and look to the sign

To determine which way God would have you turn

Mine is a solo journey

Engtovo ~ November 6, 2001

Goodbye So Long

Goodbye

So long

Not forever

Not with door shut

But doors left open

A journey commences

It is not a leaving

Although leaving is required

It is not abandonment of what has been

But a time of healthy transition

This has always been on God’s time

Not mortal

And God has spoken loudly

It is time

This is not sad

But joyous

It is fruition of hard work

Not just for one but for us all

It is confirmation

Of that which is to come

It is freedom from the past

Allowing the new future to be built

With a foundation that is strong and pure

Welcome this day

It is acknowledgment

Of right action

Goodbye

So Long

Don’t grieve

For there is no loss

There is no truth to be painful about

Locations change

But hearts and connections remain

For any who choose to make it so

I will not contain my joy with the fear of any

I have earned my freedom

Though God

It is my creation

I will remain accessible

I am not removing my spirit from this world

Only moving my body and expression

To a new place that is mine in fullness

Goodbye

So long

Until we meet again

Engtovo ~ November 1, 2001

Unending Bliss

This moment is unending bliss

Understanding of oneness

Determination of true desire

Divine Principle of life moving freely

Expression of joy unfolds like the petals of my immortal rose

blooming in the endless summer of God’s Divine light

Never ending garden of beauty

Colors flowing one to the next

Fruits hanging side by side with flowers waiting to pollinate

Abundance of everything good on this earth surrounds me

Animals normally predators of one another

peaceful in each other’s company

The cougar once asleep at my side

pounces in the field of wildflowers

playing in the glorious sun

Hawks and eagles fill the sky with spirals of pure love

There is nothing I need

There is nothing left to want

All that is

is here to sustain me

Heart is open and pure

The power of oneness has found me and brought me home

Scents come to me

they are sweeter than any I have experienced before

Thoughts clear

unobscured

Almost a dreamscape in nature

it is real

touchable

mine to experience

In the distance deer arrive

They do not fear the cougar

She is uninterested in them

This is the place where magic lives

There is no hierarchy

no food chain

no distrust

At my right is my mate

Quiet and strong in his moment of experience

I feel his shoulder to mine

His energy radiates a presence of unending bliss as well

We sit together here as two

as one

one spark

two expressions

Harmony has come after years of hard work

Rewards have been received

They were right here waiting all along

always mine

not able to be taken or stolen or kept from me

It was only I that could not see this place

my place with God

My mate remembered his place before me

He built a pathway to my own

and waited and prayed I would join him there

Now we have joined our flames in remembrance of our original spark

and made a single space with God for us both to reside

Hearts beat in perfect rhythm

like the eagles that fly above us

we are mated for life

and our life is eternal

Unending bliss

Engtovo ~ September 9, 2001

I’m Calling Out

I’m calling out

hands outstretched

Smiling bright

Dreams manifest and become reality

and when I look back I wonder how I could have questioned that knowing inside

Impatience brought me to that place

The intolerant place that demanded things occur when and how MIND thought they should

I am grateful Divine Self for the things given

as well as the things denied

For now in the understanding it is clear the things denied were out of alignment with my intent

I’m calling out

heart all aglow

Smiling bright

The answers are clear and present

The way has been paved for my intention to receive completion

and move freely through the world

God’s words speak and I am listening now

however I am understanding when the answer is no

The pathway is unobstructed and filled with grace

and gratitude abounds within me

Thank you God for all that I AM

There is deepening of joy in the moments that I pass through

and I give over freely

I’m calling out

with humility within

Smiling bright

With understanding of receiving completed I ready myself for giving

Energies move forth to bring into expression all that will serve the whole

There has been a vision

Parts have shifted and changed as MIND attempted to control it’s desired outcome

But the vision was pure

born in Divine light

What was true remained and left behind that which was false

Movement now takes me to it’s outpouring force

and the work shall begin in fullness this day

I AM calling out

in service to God

Smiling bright

Engtovo ~ August 30, 2001

The Hiding

Why do we hide

Is there really a purpose In our hiding

Do we accomplish that which we have set out to accomplish by our hiding

Are we protected

encased in a cocoon of safety

or just embracing fear

How do we hide

The ways to hide are infinite

We ignore life in all of it’s pain

In all of it’s beauty

We excuse ourselves from living and have endless justifications for our action

The world in it’s hurtful ways pushes us into the recesses of our own minds

Our spirits

And our homes

Many people hide in a bottle of alcohol

Some use another mind-altering substance to allow them to forget that the world’s hurtful ways exist

But while we hide in whatever form we use, the world goes on without us

We leave this world

into our own

The world is left without our energy

Our perspective

Our truth

We must come out of hiding to have our say

To speak our wisdom

What if Jesus hid his life away

What if Buddha hid his life away

What if Krishna hid his life away

Can we justify our hiding by lessening ourselves

Surely we are not as important as Jesus, Buddha or Krishna

Are we

Do we know

Could we ever know what our worth is in the greater plan of God’s design

Perhaps a simple servant inspired Jesus to teach

Perhaps a small child inspired Buddha to greater understanding

Perhaps a friend said to Krishna “You should really share some of these teachings”

Do we know

What do we keep from the world when we hide, will we ever know

And what do we hide from ourselves in the process

The time for hiding is over

Life is to be lived in fullness

The world in its painfulness will never be healed by us hiding

or it is those who are aware and are affected by its painfulness that have access to the solutions

Some of us may have a tiny solution

Some a large solution

As long as we remain we will never know who has the puzzle piece

that will complete a personal or societal puzzle

I am coming out of hiding and offering myself

My medicine

My gifts

To this world

Makes no difference if they have a tiny impact or a huge one

For the greatest loser in the hiding would be me

I think of a message given from spirit

“throw away all the doors my dear that none be shut”

And so I shall throw away all the doors

My safety is in the hands of a higher power with or without the doors

I will stand freely as who I am

The hiding over

Join me in the world my friends

It will be a beautiful day

We can change the painful hurtful world first by refusing to run

Expressing our joy

Our knowing of a different way

Yes it will be a beautiful day

because I will no longer give the world my power to make it anything other

Will you continue to give the world yours

Engtovo ~ August 29, 2001

Anticipation

anticipation fills me

I am ready to move on

the next stage in my journey has arrived

I cannot contain my emotions

adventure is touching me and caressing the essence of my spirit

truth in manifestation breaths forth

I wait no longer

I have stepped off the edge of the cliff and hang in midair

suspended no longer by faith

but suspended by divine law

I hold out my hand and clasp the hand of Divine Principle

never to let go

I pause for prayers of gratitude

I thank the Earth Mother for her patience love and guidance

I thank my Spirit Helpers for never leaving my side

I thank the Totems who walk with me on this journey for their lessons and truth

I thank the God within me for strength and fortitude to make it through

the anticipation begins to rush through and leave me in streams of light that pour like rippled water filling to overflowing the river of love that is my true self

I step forward now no longer pausing for any mortal thought or deed

completely immerced in the divine I have crossed the gap of my thought and acheived my goal

no longer does anticipation own me for now i am filled with understanding of what is to be

understanding emanates from me and and blooms as the rose into commpassion for all living things

humanity calls forth with prayers some God will ask me to answer in service to the all

I willingly fulfill that service with joy

remembering what it is to anticipate

Engtovo~ August 28, 2001

A Spiritual Desperado

At one with his horse he strides towards the mountains on a vision quest of sorts

his eye on the eagle awaiting him at the peak

he retains the focus of inner peace that has been all consuming

all illusive to him for his entirety… until now

when like a tiny seed that is sprouting in spring time

his heart is soaring with the inner winds of change that propels him forward

pulsing and surging with impatience to reach the top where she waits

the balancing of his inner essence

the feminine within

that he has sought to bring his completion

his pinnacle of faith awaits him in a place void of time

and he rides on to his destiny

his very spark and breath of life, his meaning

his journey has been long

it has left him parched and seeking tenderness

this thirst has no mercy

none at all, ruthless and driving him to the point of nothingness

meaninglessness

undefined desperation so deep and unfathoming to his senses

a numbness overcomes him

and yet he is compelled to continue

for deep within him there is a vision that guides him

a dim vision, a promise

temporarily dimmed by his thirst for a life greater

a force stronger

a life divine

a life that is love

a life promised him by his spirit

his true essence

the embers within him that have brought him this far continue to glow & guide him

pointing him to where she waits

she will be ignored no longer

the force of destiny pulls him to the mountain & up the trail to her side

where illumination becomes him

no longer a desperado he has completed his journey home

Engtovo & Martina Tafolla with our guidesBestali and Ming Chou

May 21, 2001

A Hero

silently weeping

tears of lonely placess

hattered illusions

painful in their gift

endlessly questioning

meanings and truths

trying to answerwhat lies inside

swelling.. pounding

driving down like hard rain

the pain pulls me endlesslyinto a swirl of seething emptiness

barren and familiar

it feels ugly and unlovable

circling – thinking – shifting

and remaining

in a cycle of recurring situations of despair

what will come of this life

of self hatred

what will be born of the ashes of my soul

what will remind me

that someplace

I am something other than

a sea of pain

whose tide moves my heart

from one remembrance to another

back and forth

with no obvious place to break free

drowning me in sorrow

immersing me in icy emotions of longing

I await a hero

a savior

a rope to uplift me

I hope

and remain filled with hopelessness

and lack of faith

paralyzed by the icy water

I fall prey to hypothermia

no longer truly living

pulling my energy into the core of my being

in an attempt at mere survival

swimming seems to be an impossible task

who will rescue me

only me

I have refused to receive my hero

myself

and uplift me to freedom

from that which I have refused to let go of

how absurd

my pain breeds more pain

until I am choosing painfulness

unconsciously

and assuming the role of victim

how convenient

if I am a victim

I am free of responsibility

and my pain can be placed squarely on the shoulders

of anyone available

to be seen as the victimizer

Such and ugly cycle

that with awareness

I must degrade myself

for participating in it

and place guilt upon me

and start the cycle all over again

Engtovo ~ March 16 1999

Lack & Abundance

Abundance / Lack

lost trackwhich is which

you can have abundance of lack

or lack of abundance

somehow they both come out … broke

Does that mean something is broken?

damaged?

in disrepair?

When did I decide I was worthy of so much lack?

when will I realize that I could be ready for a lack of lack

in fact taking lack to a new level

of actually lacking lack itself

so there is nothing left but…

Abundance?

flow, freedom, harmony, alignment

self love brings forth this new form of lack

where lack is lacking

isn’t it about time

hasn’t every avenue of the lack experience been experienced?

Lessons … yes

lessons can be had in lack and in abundance

why not have them in abundance

…or with abundance

avoiding the obvious abundance of lessons

for the less obvious abundance of all the good life has to offer

Engtovo ~ September 17 1998

Doubt / Know

Doubt, know, doubt, know doubt

I know doubt… and I am seeking No Doubt

Experience says…

Experience is limited by a limited world

what does it know… doubt

Experience knows doubt, delusion, fear, disappointment

It has glimmers of magic and synchronicity

divine coincidence of life

It has rationalized most of it as unimportant

or not enough

or just not often enough

to justify giving up doubt

This is how it maintains it’s illusion

As magic presentsit offers

it’s own version of wisdom

“you will be disappointed if you believe in magic”

“you have put yourself on the line before to no avail”

”don’t set yourself up”

Experience you do not understand

it is your very doubt that must be removed for magic to appear

you are the reason for the disappointment

your fear and limitation and unwillingness to chance disappointment

to trust knowing

If disappointment occurs… so what!

What is the point of your “wisdom”

what do you perceive you are saving me from

why would I want to be saved from more experience

do you fear only that your assumptions are flawed

based on limited input?

is it yourself you desire to save and not me

You are nothing more than a mouth piece for the ego

my soul does not fear disappointment or magic

So I say clearly this moment.. shut up with your doubts

I the soul could not even exist based on your limited world

without me there would be no experience

Know this

I am the life and I will not allow you to continue to attempt to kill me

by smothering me with doubt

Engtovo ~ January 25 1998

Transition from the Show

Come what may I must be true

To what is right for me

Transition can be fast or slow

Quick can be chaotic, but clarity reigns true

Slow is what we have been experiencing

Although the preparation is known

and the transition seen coming for a long time

The wrenching apart is more than chaotic

It is the fall of an institution

The crumbling of a false foundation

That was believed in wholeheartedly

by each of us in our own illusion

playing our unique part

There are none without responsibility

No victims

No villains

But as we transition

Who will be left to feel victimized?

And who may carry the guilt of the villain?

Release… let go… be

Do what is right and good for self spirit has said

It must be right and good for all

Or it could not be right and good for self

Even if the all is blind… to the right… and the good

We have continued to honor our parts…

Choose to rewrite this part to a higher vibration

And clearly you are simply a prima donna

So special must you be

That you would dare to rewrite your part

Change the dynamic of the play… the show… the drama

Perhaps your unwarranted changes

Will not bring favor in the world

And the show will close to nasty reviews

The all of your cast will be

Jobless… Cast out… Angry… and bitter

The fault placed where it is seen to belong

And guilt placed upon the shoulders of the faulted one

With expectations of its acceptance

The guilt will not be shouldered any longer

The run of the show was foreseen in advance

The knowledge was shared, so all could prepare

And simply the cast all chose not to

The torment and fear… anger and bitterness… is of their own making

Should one cast member set aside

Joy… Happiness… wisdom… freedom

And perfection of divine spirit

For the torment self created by the rest?

ABSURD! Says the spirit of the divine

There are tickets out of the show

Handed out free by the Father

Didn’t the cast see him offer?

One opened a hand and received the ticket

And transformed the show

Foreseen as playing the role of prima donna

As this one walks out of the theater and closes the door

There is no looking back

This one has been freed

Simply by noticing the ticket that said FREE

The cast will go on with a transition of plays

Without their star player

A new star will have to be tailored

They’ll weep and they’ll whine… they’ll complain

All the while wanting what they refuse to see

And wondering why they cannot have it

With every transition from the show they will reorganize again

And start it all over

Never seeing the free ticket

Resenting any who do

Because the play is their focus

… and the show must go on

Once you’ve transitioned from the show

You may observe now and then

From high in the balcony

Your perspective now changed

What was once your high drama

Has become the finest of comedies

You laugh loud and hearty

And clap and stomp your feet

Acknowledging a fine performance

Perhaps the best that you’ve seen

As you look down upon the theater

You remember the walk up the long isle

Leading you to the door

Remembering the energy being sent your way

By angry cast members that preordained day

From your perch in the balcony

You see much the same cast

Playing the same characters as before you left

The anguish you felt has long since past

Your heart filled with love and forgiveness

For all in your cast

As you stand to leave and offer your applause

Don’t forget to thank them

For in playing their parts

They catapulted you to the door

Although they resented you for walking through it

They also gained knowledge that it could be done

And in offering these thank yous

You send love… and vibrations of divinity…

In the form of a ticket that says FREE

Engtovo ~ November 13, 1997

Debating the Abyss

Debating

the abyss

can it exist

if you’ve risen above it

if you believe, it can

with a change of perspective

you rise above it now

this time understanding

what it is to fall

back to debating

you’ve been to the bottom

does the bottom

still exist

hell yes

you’ve been there

you know

you’ve experienced…it’s you truth

or is it your… illusion

Debating

the abyss

deep

dark

drowning

in shadow

if I fall again

I’ll bring a flashlight

one tiny light in the giant abyss

what’s wrong with all of this

the batteries will die

the container will break

nothing will be left

nothing but faith

sitting at the bottom

wallowing in fear

there is nothing left

only to question

which is truth

which is illusion

Debating

the abyss

choose to rise above it again

then give it no power

then you can bloom

and be God’sperfect flower

the abyss will disappear

cease to exist

with your conscious choice

your life has been fixed

no longer

Debating

the abyss

Engtovo ~ November 7 1997

Truth & Illusion

Where is the line between my truth and my illusion

How do I findwhat in truth

leads me homeand what serves as my distraction

How much time and energy do I give figuring out things

that do not need to be figured out

What is the essence and true focus

synchronicity creeps into the scenario of the mind’s thoughts

right beside of sequence

The mind continues on an endless quest

for mortal thoughts to convince itself

that the divine nature of self will never come to full expression

It plans

and attaches

and plans some more

tomorrownext week…month…year

Looking ahead to endless years of mortal living

leaving no room for the divine to take hold

Effort once again

of control

comes forth to guide the next step into dissatisfaction

that will serve as proof

that the true divine is still far out to sea

on the endless thoughts of this active mind

Why do you bother with these games you play with self

know you not that soul’s plan is truly followed

the illusion of your control is your greatest folly

The mortal must give way

when the divine pushes out

it has no abilityto stand and fight

The divine expression is inevitable

and happens behind the back of the mind

so to speak

while it flounders on endless thoughts

of control and distraction

Continue my dear and loving mind to distract yourself

for while you were thinking

the soul moved out into full expression

and moves in and through you

changing you evermore

Engtovo ~ September 13 1997

Attachment

Release

let go

be free

Attachment pulls me into the dawn of a new mortal day

The divine speaks gently of the freedom found

in bringing attachment to an end

Dreams are born in attachment

and end in same

The divine is born in freedom

and always remains the same

I ground myself to my Earth Mother

and send out filaments of light

to all that I seek

Drawing to me the desired experience

While I am immersed in this experience

I attach myself to ideas of what I should be

and get angry that it is not such

Forgotten already are the filaments of light

which I myself wove into my current fabric of life

Do I have so little faith in the strength and wisdom of my web

would it…could it

bring me other

than that which will allow me the greatest opportunity for growth

Why must I decide what I think would be better

and attach myself to that illusion

of the mortal me

This moment shimmers

in the beautiful web of my divine plan

In it’s glistening light

it offers me all that I need in truth

not in illusion

My journey is now to see this truth

and let go of the desire

to bring forth the illusion

Engtovo ~ September 13 1997

The Sacred Mountain

Hope gives a glimmer of what could be,

to the infinite place in myself.

The mortal in me tries to achieve this place of divinity

and is thwarted with comfort and limitation.

Thus thwarted, only hopelessness remains, as a constant friend in times of nocturnal search.

From hopelessness,

hope must be offered again,

for hopelessness has no place to go,

only hope remains

The circle of hope and hopelessness leads me on a safari.

The thrill of the chase excites my being into feeling alive.

The kill leaves an empty void in the center of my heart,

giving full reign to despair.

Man and beast come face to face in the outpouring turbulence of a game gone awry.

In the ensuing chaos of thought

the mortal within me can only give birth to… trust

in the ever living spirit of my being.

The spirit is not allowed it’s true expression

it fights for freedom from the oppression of the journey… and yet

in this oppression

I must seek and find trust to keep hope and hopelessness at bay.

My spirit gives forth a piercing sound

and man and beast walk their separate ways.

Trust in this spirit has led me to believe… in it’s power

and manifestation of it’s divine nature.

In the belief of my divine nature

illumination takes place

showing the trail of crooked desires

that have led me to the sacred mountain.

I shed my skin in an act of transmutation

and serpentine a trail up the mountains rim.

This new belief fuels my desire to reach the top.

I grow tired in my journey

and seek solace in the cave

upon the mountains East slope

here I await my inspiration

ask for assistance

and pray.

When I awaken from my meditative state,

my faith has been born.

A place deep within me tells me to carry on,

that I can reach the top of the sacred mountain.

This place reaches out and tells me of my journeys upon the sacred mountain in the past.

I enter the light of the brilliant sun

and leave the cave to continue my journey

with faith as my guide and companion.

In an instant

I place my foot upon a stone

where I have stepped before

and my knowing is born.

The stone speaks to me of my previous journeys

and how I accomplished my goal

and my heart hears this truth.

My spirit becomes me,

and integration becomes the trail that continues upon the mountain’s rim.

With every step forward

three more are remembered

and stepped over.

I know that I am the sacred mountain

and the top I have desired to reach has been with me always.

So comes my journey

into unknown territories

that are known completely

and veiled by the illusion of

hope and hopelessness.

Engtovo ~ February 28 1997