To My Friends

Friends of honor
Friends of integrity
To this day we rise
I come to you in honesty
Offer you my respect
With my heart I offer gratitude
And honor the souls that you are
Sometimes our road is twisted
Mistakes we will make
We honor them all with apology
We ask and then expect more of ourselves
We deliver more
It is in our support and love
We find our way
I thank you for the truths you’ve told
Those I saw and those I resisted
Those that made me cry
For they were offered with love
From honesty
You came to me with heart open
I hold these hearts with tenderness
I know the grace of who you are
It is more than this day
This month or year
The infinite nature of our connection is within
We are those who know and see these things
We journey alone but cross paths
Some crossings are short
Some long
All are significant and enduring
You remind me of who I am
Who I was created to be in wholeness
I do the same for you
This path has been so very hard
Each day you all remind me of its beauty
And the blessings we share
Often lost in the fog of our lessons
It presents itself back to us
We listen and we pray together and for one another
We sit quiet and exchange energies
Near or far there is no distance between us
In moments we may take one another for granted
This is not one of those moments
I am in awe of all that you have accomplished
While a clueless world looks on
They see nothing
Feel nothing
As they sit unknowing in the circle of our love
In the greatest of these challenges
Somehow we have found one another
From across this earth we love
It is the most wondrous gift
May we fill our hearts with magic
Then bless it upon each other
We have earned these blessings
Through honoring each other
And it is with a vulnerable heart
That I choose to give blessings of love
To each and all of you
And hold you in sacred space
Honored to call you friends

Tatiacha ~ March 12, 2011

It Is Here That I Am

It is here that I am
Sitting alone in thought
Transitions due
They move in and change me
I see them in force
Look back but weeks
There is another there
She is not I
Painful is the transmutation
Necessary though it may be
This truth must awaken
Embrace this key factor
It is a gift that comes with hard labor
It brings new life
To both the woman
And the innocence returned
The gifts come like rocks
Not like feathers
They cannot sway and swoon in these winds
Gravity drops them hard
They shake me
Cause a human quake
The rocks blast me with intensity
I question my survival momentarily
Then I get up to assess
I am bruised from the battering
These wounds are temporary and self healing
What looks like destruction
Unfolds faults in foundation
The rebuilding is cathartic
Something much greater comes forth
It could never have been seen
Never understood if brought gently
Brought to my senses
It is here that I am

Tatiacha ~ March 3, 2011

New Pathway

Creeping into view a new pathway is emerging
Eagles soar above
They follow the serpentine flow of the river below
Ice lingers along the banks crackling in the winter sun
I call out for greater sight like the eagles above me
Allow me to see where this pathway leads
For this moment I am grounded
No sight is granted
I must simply tread this winding pathway with my heart
Trust every turn
Acknowledge every stone
Every tree along the way
Root out my foundations and strengths to carry me forward
A new beach is uncovered every time the tide goes out
These emotions have been beating our shores battering us
But the tide has now turned
No one knows what we will find here
Everything has been changed
Some things seem fresh and new
Others damaged from the tidal surges
How they mesh from here we must wait to see
Give over the spirits say
Allow yourself to be receptive to any outcome
One thing leads to something greater
This is the time for dominoes to tumble in a preordained order
I know not this order
All that is seen is the tipping of the first
There is no longer free will choice in this sequence
There is a loss of perceived power
Leading the mind to ponder things unthinkable
Why would such things ever be preordained
Even the mind knows they would not
Still in the absence of the normal it wanders forth in deception
I begin to trust this unfolding
As I become accustomed to its essence
I know I must move farther to embrace it fully
A destiny thus waiting is calling
Elements moving in or out of my pathway
Chosen of my Creator must be accepted with grace
For every sorrow I may befall on this trail
There are joys I am being led to
I will feel each feeling
Give it its truth and acknowledgement
Then continue forward on this new pathway

Tatiacha ~ February 11, 2011

Tears of Unseen Emotion

What will be is not within my domain
There are two that set the course of this movement
Reaching out and responding
Healing and seeking meaning
The hurts have not become us
The sense if impending doom is not certain
Vulnerability speaks out tangibility
Things are on the table
It is required
It pulsates out in waves of prayer
Things in silence bring death
My heart cries out languishing of direction
There are no dots to connect
Only space where confusion reigns
Will there be rebirth here in this act of truth
Sadness may instead be labored
The unknown beats down upon me with its weight
Fears submerge me intermittently
That darkness wants to sink me to the bottom
There is understanding beyond
A course must be taken
The winds blow though switching directions
They cannot be ascertained
My heart is at their mercy
I must submit
Something I do with great trepidation
I bow to the power that knows the mystery
Ask of myself trust in this process
Questioning all that I think I know inevitable
The answers are bound to implode
Perceived as good or bad
Beginning or ending embraced with intensity
Followed by tears of unseen emotion

Tatiacha ~ February 11, 2011

Arrival

Trampled
Twisted dreams filled with skies falling
Breaking
Rocking
There is no relief
Fleeting from one to another
They are angry
Stopped with regret
One moment of peace moves through
It is still and quiet
Then it all begins again
Arms outstretch to grasp
And miss with slight touch
Pendulum swings back
There is no center
Flying
Suspended
Time stopped in awareness
Chaos ensues
It is below
It is around
It cannot reach in
There is no sense of place
It is endless and immediate
Painful in time
Empty of breath
No sense of landing
Only arrival

Tatiacha Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ 11-14-10

The Heart Yearns & The Mind Follows

Candle burns quickly

Betraying the shifting of time

It is done but unseen in this moment

It is bigger than expected

So big I feel pulled to it

When it was to be pulled to me

I give up pieces of myself willingly

They are no longer needed

But the discomfort of them leaving

Envelops this moment

It’s a journey planned but unknown

Its outline rough

The details shifting with each passing day

Mind desires to pin it down

Spirit knows better than to try

I reach my hand out to touch it

It is fuzzy and soft

Warm and comforting

But the other side is shielded

It is that side that will have to be tolerated

It is not the whole

Not even half

But it comes with the deal

It is the small print

The unspoken

It won’t last long

But each moment of it filled with demands

It cannot be avoided

It cannot be embraced

It is just what is

Human nature will make its so

I walk alone into this undefined plan

Knowing others will join me there

But I can’t help but hesitate

Wonder

Dream

Of a circle of hands

Walking in together

It’s foolish thinking

Wanting something that is asking too much

But the heart yearns

And the mind follows

 

Engtovo ~ August 31, 2008

It Is Good

Temptation past

To do for

No longer a question

Each will contribute

Equally from the divine

No burdens

Do we carry

There is only joy

Re-seeding all that is good

Rebuilding

Requires no sacrifice

Hearts joining

Unison of vision

Beauty

There is peace

In the sounds blending

Sweetness and innocence

Offered to all

Trust is complete

Above and below

Individuality

Without separation

The saboteurs gone

Each one is giddy

Thrilled

Hands filled with rainbows

Colored rays

Blending out to infinity

This view has never been seen

It was chosen

Envisioned

Created

And it is good

 

Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ June 14, 2008

The Choice

Done

Let go

Transmute

Heart is heavy

But easing

Sacrifice done

Freedom reigns now

The worth complex

The outcome decided

There is relief

We choose joy

We choose easy

There is little understanding

Big picture obscured

For others

But not for us

The choice feels right

Nothing left to do

Those who work

Are guided

They are already journeying

The others are too late

It’s ok

They can be too late

They will come again

Transformation

It will be done

Then they will understand

The choice is for joy

A life which they know not

Yet…

Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ June 14, 2008

Last Vista

Vista ridge encompass my heart

Encircling my personal sphere

Every direction and offering

A gift

Beauty in pure form

Movement is constant and rhythmic

Changing the nature of each day

Storms roll in and purify

Then give way to glimpses of more

Those lost in the fog may perish

Too foolish to see the last breath

It’s here

We are witness

Expansion fills all my perceptions

It stops for no one

Waits for none

It spirals to its destination

My heart welcomes its vastness

There is no wrong way to look

Just look

Blood circles out and around the world

Not the blood of war

Not the blood of death

But the blood of life

Sustaining

Nurturing

Hydrating

Feeding

Life force

Red blood of the earth

Physical gives way to that which is greater

And is transformed immortal

Take it all in

This is the last vista of what is

The change complete

Different and equally beautiful

The heart documents these last moments

To be honored

Remembered

Released

So new life can begin

 

Engtovo ~ December 23, 2007

What Becomes Her

She remembers things

I’ve long forgotten

I thought she wasn’t listening

She was

Where it leads her is unknown

She has floundered

Her pain undeniable

She tries to run

But she ran into the truth

Once I worried

Then I released to higher power

Now I wonder

What becomes her

Perhaps I will never know

In her grows a spark

It may tinder to flame

It may die an ugly death

It is her spark

I give it room

Step back

Watch and wait

There is love there offered

It is abundant and abiding

It resides here

It resides beyond this place

Held out

Waiting to be touched

Claimed

Swirling around

A whirlwind of answers

Available to breathe in

Fill

Uplift

Transform

It is not my journey

Not my denial or acceptance

But I will continue to wonder

What becomes her

With love

 

 

Engtovo ~ October 3, 2007

Again

Simple calculations
To my divine mind
Solving all mysteries
Just out of reach
Leaving me feeling so frustrated
I know its right there
I know I know it
It’s already mine
There is no access point
It is like staring at a computer screen
I have no keyboard
No mouse
No way to access what sits there
Its mocks me by asking for input
It must know I have no input tools
I am a scientist
Of an unknown science
An expert in my field
If only I knew what my field is
Like having a mail order PhD
I cannot use the divine knowledge I hold
It’s the ultimate cosmic joke
At this point even I find it humorous
Whose stupid ass idea was this anyway
To forget what we know to experience stupidity
I know I can remember AND experience physicality
We keep agreeing to do this
Over and over
Every time I reach this point
I can’t believe I did it again
Came here of choice
Knowing I would have to remember
AGAIN
There must be a point to it
God I hope there is a point to it
It seems completely absurd and pointless
And those of us remembering again
We are the enlightened ones
Makes me laugh out loud
What is everyone else doing
Maybe we are in fact screwing up over and over
By remembering and seeking enlightenment
Maybe we are supposed to just stay stupid
And fully experience the stupidity
And we have some glitch in our souls
They open the door ever so slightly
We remember there is more
And then it is like Pandora’s box
We cannot stop
Our programming unravels
And here we are
Again

Engtovo ~ August 5, 2006

Night Comes and I Wonder

Night comes and I wonder
What will come with the dawn
Will the blossom open this day
When will I see the manifestation
The sky orange
The air clean
I walk
I think
Dream and wonder
Await
A word that becomes profane
Soon new life enters
Surrounded by confusion and chaos
Every aspect of its existence has been in disharmony
Yet it remains true
Remains pure
It must be protected
The tools for this work are elusive
Any plan is in the higher realm
As yet unknown
It frustrates me
I ask for knowledge
But none comes
There are not even clues
Only waiting
And worry
I have no power over the chaos of this birth
It simply is
It does not belong to me
Yet it affects me deeply
At times this fills me with anger
Why should I be in this space
Affected by creations not mine
Waiting to see if there is an action for me to take
If there is a role God wishes me to play
I feel I should be doing other things
Not waiting here
But I am aware I do not have the whole picture
Only pieces to the puzzle
I try to have faith
Believe that those who have the whole picture
See a purpose to me being here now
I feel limited by every aspect of this life in this moment
I seek freedom
Personal power
Conscious choice
I’m tired
The journey has me weary
This means I am close to something
The water of the dream world so pure
Almost to the conscious level
It is outside my house
Surrounding me
It is water of the ocean
The whole
Perhaps it will carry me away
Take me to a new place
I swim in it near my front steps
Should I open the windows and doors
Allow it to fill my house
My inner voice says yes
The hummingbirds come
First two
Then four
Then six
Then twenty
Then two
Then four
Then six
They portend a new energetic phase
Joyous play
I want it
I open my heart to this
I claim it
And night comes and I wonder

Engtovo ~ August 5, 2006

The Canvas

The canvas is supposed to be blank
Why is it already written on
The writing is obscured so it cannot be read
It is just there
Blocking the purity of a new creation
What is created upon it
Will always carry its energy
Soiled
Sullied
I want to start over
Really start over
I don’t want to start with a canvas that is stained with the past
The colors will not show themselves right
The subtleties with be filled with shadows
Not of my intent
How will my heart express
From a canvas that is not clean
I’m tired
No amount of white paint will cover
It will not give me a fresh start to hide what is there
I want it erased
I want it gone
Forever
Is it possible
Just give a new canvas damn it
Why should I even have to ask
Why shouldn’t I have an unlimited supply of new canvases
Where every mistake
Every slipped stoke
Can simply be discarded
To discard them does not mean they are forgotten
Holding on to them is not required to learn from them
It only ruins everything thereafter
I’m tired
I don’t even know how to paint
How I am supposed to paint over the past

Engtovo ~ June 8, 2006

One Who Knows

Focus returns now
One places them self in another’s perspective
They know not what they say or think
It is clinging to a past
But they are here and now
They are still connected to the past
But this place is new
The journey of one is only known to her
The journey of others known to them
There is compassion that moves between
There is synergy
There is support
But each journey is it’s own
What one looks out and sees as the same place
Is a similar process going on in two places
It has been this way always in this life
One knows
The other lives in the self deception
The one who knows will not say
It would serve no purpose
And the one who does not know
Still would not know
Could not accept this truth
So the one who knows holds back
Keeps quiet
Waits
Knowing some day the other will figure it out
Sadness at times envelops the one who knows
At times anger
At times understanding
But always the one knows
Carries
And accepts the unknowing of the other
The one who knows lives
Still in the limbo where knowing is both a gift and a burden
It’s so clear
It has never been clouded
The one in self deception
Judges the choices of the one who knows
Judges based on deception
The one who knows must simply ignore this as well
It is difficult
But there is no way to show another that which they do not see

Engtovo ~ May 8, 2006

Pain At The Core

Touching a core
Seeing & feeling the shift it brings
New honoring of self brings clarity
It then opens the way to more unknown and confusion
It is odd clarity and confusion side by side
I move in the right direction
I feel it
And yet I know not where I am headed in the short term
Only one long term is known
And from there it is unknown yet again
It is the human condition I suppose
I have found inner power
But the rest of me is trying to catch up
My body still groans as it repairs the damage done
I reach out for a plan
I know I have one
But it is unavailable for my appraisal
Time feels short
I am told it is in perfection
Time to do all that needs to be done
But what actually needs to be done
And what do I simply perceive needs to be done
And how do I keep my perceptions
From pressuring me by feeling things will not get done
As much as I hated the previous script
I knew what to anticipate
Now I know little
Only that love will win
Has already won
Even though those who hate think otherwise
Everything is obscure
Unformed
Is it wrong to want to see a little form
Even if it is only on a personal level
I have been changed
Stripped of old energy
It is freeing
And part of me still struggles with that freedom
Placing physical limitations upon me
The pain was intense
A teacher that I choose to never use again
There had to be another pathway to the same end
Now that I am mostly through to this side
I see the gift in it all
The way it reached in and cleared away
Everything that stood in the way
The transformation is big
Huge
Not quite comprehensible
So many questions are left in its aftermath
My foundation has been shaken loose
Only truth can be left to rebuild with
How many foundational pieces are left to discard
When will a sense of stability be regained on the new foundation
I seek the balanced state
What is happening within now is a state of flux
The end result of which is known
But not fully comprehended
The pain at the core no longer owns me
But the love from the core
Has not fully stabilized
There is a shattering sense that is expansion
And a desire to gather all the pieces
And quickly put them back together
Maintain the known
But pieces are already missing
Gone
Others fade quickly
There is no repair that can be made of the shattered illusions
Soon I will no longer desire to repair that perspective
But now I sit in silence and I am lost in myself
I am a puzzle and I have no picture to use to put me together
Only Creator has that picture
And only Creator can put me together from here
My place is to get out of the way
But mind wonders when, how, what will become
And so I contemplate
And time passes

Engtovo ~ January 29, 2006

My Sun

Tears mount
As the sun activates within
The emotions overtake me
There is sadness here
Its origin and reason unknown to me
All I can do is be with it
Know it
Perhaps it will reveal itself to me
Maybe it is simply in the process
Of being burned off me
As the sun grows in intensity
It is the impure aspect of my emotion
Being let go
Something more is just beyond me
I cannot fully feel it
Or reach it
I simply know it is there
Waiting for me
I yearn for it
Not knowing why
Let it come in now
And fill me
Breathe it in
Feel its flow
I am being called
My heart hears and wants to answer
But it does not know how
When
Where
It seeks an open door
One basking in love and light
Let it show itself that I may step through
The old way can no longer serve
If it ever truly did
The new way must be born from within
I do not know the process of this labor
To birth the new way
It is foreign
I feel lost
Alone
Even as I am surrounded by spiritual allies
Supporting
Loving
Acknowledging this new sun
I want to reach out
But do not know what to reach for
How long must this labor last
How much pain is still trapped inside me to be purged
I am like a small child
Alone in my room
Afraid of the unknown
With no one to call to
No one who will comfort me
I want to crawl into the closet and hide
Curl up into a ball
And pray that it be done
I know no human will come for me
Only God will come for me
And I must hold on to my faith
But I am tired
I don’t know if I can hold on
Don’t know if I want to hold on
Don’t know if I am suppose to hold on
The sky is blue and clear
The birds are flying free
Why am I trapped here
I am God’s child too
Their freedom is my freedom
But I can’t touch it
Feel it
Live it
It is as though this new sun
Has already burned out
Has no more fuel
Does not care to even be a sun
Is empty
What will fill it
Will it be filled
Or will it be allowed to burn out and die
Or simply transform into something else
Does it matter
Am I supposed to care
I have only questions
No answers
Maybe it will be revealed
Maybe it will simply pass
Just one day in thousands
A birth
A death
Both
Neither
Just a moment

Engtovo – November 18, 2005

Sacrifice

Letting go
When
Why
And how
It makes sense to me
Is inevitable
But its unfolding is a mystery
I will have knowledge
Others perhaps blinded
There is no other way
The prayers have been spoken
And received
This is the sacrifice so often spoken of
Letting go
Making room for something new to enter
It returns life to the sacred state
No one is immune to the energies
What I gain from this sacrifice is unknown
And yet what is known
Is that it is greater than what is being let go of
Bigger
Closer to my heart
What is being let go of
Lives in illusion
Is not fully in the truth
In understanding
There is stillness
Peace with things as yet unspoken
There is a greater good
Not all see it
Feel it
Know it
But it shines itself forth here
Bringing me what I have asked for
Demanding that I leave things behind
That are not in harmony
With all that I have prayed for
I acquiesce
My heart knows it is for the best

Engtovo ~ October 28, 2005

Dropping the Cloak

What goes on in the mortal world is separate from me
I observe it
I can even choose to participate in helping those who suffer
In ways that do not cause suffering to myself
I however opt out of their mortal experience
I follow my heart to my divine life
I do not need to suffer because the world suffers
I have no obligation to suffer along side them
No responsibility to try and end their suffering for them
It is ok for me to be in joy while others suffer
It is what my creator wants for my life
Divine principal flowing freely through me
In song
In words
In feeling
In deed
Creativity flows freely
I act out in this creativity with joy
I act in service to the earth energies where needed
I care take the animals where needed
as they are at the mercy of the choices of humans
I embrace my true life
I claim it in fullness
I will not step back or sideways
I walk forward
Dropping the cloak behind me
The weight was heavy and painful
But it was the weight of lies
The lies we collectively carry in the mortal
Mixed with the lies of obligation
Those lies now cast aside
I am free to live my life
Those who choose to judge me simply judge themselves
It is themselves they condemn
Themselves that they believe do not deserve the life of the divine
The life awaits all
It is for all
There is no need or purpose to suffering in this world
We can choose to end it all
By each one of us choosing to end our own
Leaving the planet does not end suffering
For many that choice only brings them more suffering
In the next life
Ending suffering is right here right now
I will begin
I will lead without followers
Maybe one day others will awaken to this same truth
And choose to walk the path the their own divine life
I will pray for them
I will send energy out into the world in my prayers and my meditations
That they can call upon if they awaken
I cannot do it for them
Only leave crumbs along the path I have tread
And welcome them lovingly if they arrive

Engtovo ~ September 12, 2005

Will Not Try

I will no longer try
It is a waste of time
I will only do
And will not judge myself on what I do not
I will not punish myself
For what I do not
This moment
Is all that is
It is enough
Creator expects no more of me
Than my full participation in this moment
Meeting me where I am
No expectation that I be somewhere else in consciousness
Why would I expect more of myself
Than Creator expects of me
I let go
I let others be where they are at
I will not try to move their energy
To someplace it is not
They will change or not
That is between them and Creator
I will do by taking care of myself
My journey
My consciousness
And allow the same for them

Engtovo ~ August 10, 2005

Don’t Tell Me

Don’t tell me who I am
Don’t tell me what I believe
These things are between me and my Creator
If you were in tune with me
In tune with the Creator you would know these things
You would not need to tell me what you thought
Because your heart would have the truth already
My healing journey has been internal
Even though I have shared some things
There is no way to share the whole of my experience
I know what I hold
I know what I release
Don’t tell me what to do
Don’t tell me who to choose
Look inside instead of placing issues upon me
I am not you
I will forever be myself
My journey is laid out before me
Creator speaks to my heart and intuition guides me
Every path I take is for my highest good
Why do you think you know better for me
Than Creator through my intuition
Don’t tell me my future
Don’t tell me my past
These things are for me to determine
My future is where I go
Not where you fear I will go
My past is only perspective that I give to it
Something you have no control over
I am fully self responsible for both
Don’t tell me your reality
Don’t tell me I can’t believe in magic
Your fear and cynicism will not deter me
I walk through this world on my own terms
If you are afraid to trust the energy that I embrace
That is between you and the Creator
If you can not see me for who I am in truth
If you cannot respect my choices
Just don’t tell me anything

Engtovo ~ January 21, 2005

There Is No Word

There is no word
When I thought there would be
It surprises me
And yet it feels ok
It does not feel incomplete
When I thought it would feel that way
It has been a long journey with these people
An intense one
Many emotions surfaced for all
I’m not sure if it was a necessary journey
Even though I learned many things
And it served me
There were other ways for those teachings to come
This choice was the harder one
I wonder what part of me thinks that I must take the harder path
Why am I not willing to give myself a break
I am ready to be complete with the choice of the hard way
Even being around other people who choose it
Has become too difficult a mirror
Most have not yet realized that they chose it
Still they think they are victims
It is hard to watch, and harder to feel
I no longer need to watch and feel
I am not a victim and I can make another choice
There is no word
And that is good
I have been removed from the loop
As requested
I no longer am a participant in their drama and difficulties
Nor do I invite them in to drama with me
I send them all love
I hope they soon see the choice
I hope when they do
They find the strength to choose the other way
The old ways have a grip that is tight
Any grieving has long since been completed
And the good byes are done as well
I turn my attention to the way of peaceful song
Where the music alone uplifts the vibration
I turn my attention to the way of joyous creations
Nature wraps me in her arms and shows me freedom
There is no word to call my attention back
And I am grateful

Engtovo ~ November 20, 2004

It’s Coming

Trip me up

With these false thoughts

But it is only temporary

Because the change cannot be stopped

It is coming straight for me

And it cannot miss

There is no way to make it veer away or change its course

There is no escape

No place to run

No place to hide

Matters not where I go or what I do

It cannot even be delayed

Its timing is set

I waste my energy in attempts to change those facts

Even though on a conscious level I do not want to change it

I want it

I have prayed for it

The human condition is nothing but contradictions

Things that are good we desire to push away

Feeling unready

Unworthy

Unprepared

Saying why me

When bad things comes we cry why me

How is it we can pretend to be so disconnected

As to even ask why me

Good or bad

It is all as we create it

Why does this change come for me

I asked it to come and proceeded to do the inner work

So how is it that I can not feel ready or worthy

If that were so it would not be coming

It is coming because I am ready

That is the whole point

So now why would I fear that

If I am ready than the change is natural

Simple

Easy

An evolution that feels good and right

But I choose to attach to what I release and cause pain

How sick is that

That humanity has degraded to that level

Where choosing pain and fear is the status quo

What seems the natural course of emotion at a time of great change

Why not JOY

EXCITEMNT

CELEBRATION

The earth does not fear her changes

A child does not fear learning to walk

A bear cub does not fear his first attempt to fish in the river

Only humans fear change that stems from growth

Only humans fear the next season

They fear losing childhood and taking on adult responsibilities

Fear growing older

Fear their children leaving them for adulthood

Fear growing older yet

Fear death

But every season brings something greater if we are willing to see it

Experience it

It only gets better

And death becomes nothing

This change is coming whether I fear it or not

Engtovo ~ October 24, 2004

This Power

No one told me I was powerful

No one told me I could have power

Hold power

That power was inherent in my nature

Every message told me I was disempowered

That I should be fearful of power

Because power in the mortal leads to corruption and loss of self

No one near me knew of spiritual power

The power Creator gives to us all

Power that cannot be corrupted

The same power that flows effortlessly through nature

Ensuring balance

This power is presented to us as unattainable

Uncontrollable and dangerous

It is presented in terms of tragedy and smite

Likened to an angry God’s revenge

The power of destruction from the eruption of a volcano

Or the force of a hurricane

In truth this power does not destroy

It changes things yes

And humans who like to think that what they build is forever

Find that their creations are vulnerable to something greater

Because of this they think they are victims

Instead of seeing the whole picture of the natural cycle of things

At times lives are lost

But lives are lost every day when there is no great force of nature

We are not at the center of this world

We are but one part

Not immune from the natural cycle of the whole

Because of this negative presentation of this power

The mind gets lost in thinking that holding this type of power

Is holding the power of a victimizer

That somehow to have it would be wrong

Or that I would not be able to contain or control it

That I would misuse it in some way

But this power cannot be misused

It has within it natural laws

That it cannot contradict

There is no reason to fear holding this power

A human can only use it in a good way

I accept this power

I stop cowering before it

Finding myself unworthy

Because there is no worth attached to it

Any more than a hurricane chooses to attack a location in spite

The power follows the conditions of the environment in which it finds it self

It comes to me because my environment is prepared to receive it

I embrace it

Release the fear and pain that has enveloped me in a subconscious attempt to resist it

Nature cannot be resisted

Attempts to stop a force of nature only strengthen it in some way

Because this power always brings balance in its change

It brings new life

And rebirth

A new cycle begins from its path

This power is divine

Engtovo ~ October 24, 2004

Joy on the Journey

Take me

The integrations have begun

How long do they go on

I wish to be devoured quickly

I want to live within something greater

Than the mortal that I know

What has been offered is a beautiful gift

It is not hard

Why does my mind want it to be hard

Do I fear being unchallenged

And still wonder if I am challenged if I have what it takes

Show me the pathway to embracing inner unity

Taking all that I fear and giving it a place of power

To be transmuted into work to serve the whole

Finding balance of service on the earth and loyalty to the inner pathway

Inner and outer expression blended in harmony

Joy on the journey

Not joy at a destination

No delay of joy’s life force in body, mind and spirit

I pray not to resist

To find the energetic pathway

That allows my ghosts a place in joy

What I am asking of myself I am capable of

My heart knows this beyond doubt

I open the door and welcome it in

Mind screams of risk

It wishes not to trust self

Rely on self

Because it is in denial that self is all there is to trust

Trust in God is trust in self

For it is through self that God works

There is no separation

I accept the beauty

There is no escape

Beauty is in every direction


Engtovo ~ October 22, 2004

The Forerunner

To be a forerunner

Take the first steps

Open doors

Preserve opportunities

Those who limit have no real power

When the forerunner takes their own

The timing is perfect

It looks last minute to others

They see it as chaotic

But if they could see the atoms of this world

They would look chaotic as well

The pot is full

And there is intelligent action behind the plan

Despite the chaotic appearance

Fulfillment is at hand

Abundant prosperity is available for all aspects to unfold

No brakes are available

Because the movement set in motion earlier

Is unstoppable

The destination programmed

Reaching the destination is inevitable

The consequences of every action of the forerunner

Are not obvious

At the time of action

It matters not

Simply fulfill the role given

And the universe takes care of the rest

The keys given freely

Now live inside

Stepping out toward the horizon

That which is never reachable to most

Is attainable with ease by the forerunner

Faster than the speed of light

Beyond the perceived laws of physics

There are a whole new set of laws available

The forerunner will use them openly

And let the chips fall where they may

Engtovo ~ August 4, 2004

I Can Count On ME

They slink

They slither

They deceive

They use innocents to act as bait

But they cannot achieve their goal

It is humorous from a distant perspective

The lengths to which they will go

But from the human perspective it is disgusting to see even one get used

She left herself open

She and millions of others

It is an unfortunate truth that does not make her at fault or faultless

Simply a fact

I am not that easily fooled

At times this has been my great fear that I would be fooled

But even if I were to fall for some trick

It would not last for long

My body tells me it is not right

My mind tells me it is not right

My emotions scream this is not right and

My spirit confirms this is not right

I can face your challenges

There is no other that I go to here for that validation

Those I turn to are available everywhere I am

And my divine self

I cannot be turned

Every part of me participates in the truth being brought to surface

I can count on ME

So let them slink, slither and deceive

I am already outside the box

Only those inside the box can be fooled by such things

Hit me with your best shot

Even if you knock me down

You are not capable of knocking me out

You are nothing more than a temporary distraction

And God’s life force continues on

Divine love is the answer to every prayer

And this day it guided me quickly through

It will not falter

And my life force continues on in harmony

Engtovo ~ January 19, 2004

To Become Me

For years there has been such a disparity between the me I am expressing

And the me I know

Now the mergence is at hand

I can see the me of my vision within my reach

There are aspects of that me

That I misunderstood in years past

Now she stands before my eyes so clearly

Attainable

Not distant

I choose to become her now

I choose to allow myself that gift

I give myself permission to be her

To create whatever will nurture her full life

For so long I have felt I did not deserve to be her

The reasons for this belief are varied

They are deep

They are layered

But they were all based in falsehood

Now I can see she is who I have been destined to become

I cannot escape her

Even if I desire to try in moments of self hatred

She will not leave my vision

My consciousness

She simply patiently awaits

My arrival

My acceptance that she is who I have always been in truth

I have put my toe into the water

Now I want to fully submerge myself

I will no longer wait

I will pursue her consciously

Fully

I will not attempt to make her come to me

I will seek out every aspect of her relentlessly

Because I now love myself enough to want to be her

I can feel her feelings now

They make my own seem distant and silly

The thoughts that had importance

Are now absurd from this new vantage point where I am almost her

I ask the universe to support all that will allow her to emerge

From deep within me she springs

She is the wise Goddess

She presents herself with pride in her accomplishment

With compassion for all life

Loving her body temple

Joy in her every breath

Let nothing stand between us

Move away all that is not in harmony with this transmutation

This is my evolution

No part of me can escape

No part wants to escape any longer

So I embrace the moment

The day

This day

My day

To become me

Engtovo ~ October 16, 2003

What Becomes Me

I’m cold

Sleepy fears creep into my mind

Activated by a body that seems to have gone awry

Like a heart being strangled

The tightness hampers my knowing that only transformation is at hand

How do I give heed to just the transformation

When I feel like giving in would cause literal death

My hands’ opposed to clenching this pencil

The third eye throbbing not with pain

But with an energy that causes my body to react as if it is to lose consciousness

My throat fully open but feeling as if it is contracting

And will cut off the supply of air to my lungs

Heart aches

Not in grief or anger

It is as if my body is having a panic attack without the participation

Of my emotions or thoughts

What takes me to the other side of this hideous feeling

My fingers are cold

My body clammy

My soul and mind both weary

Emotions of fear wander in and are greeted with knowledge

That no death or destruction is imminent

So what is it I accomplish here

What becomes me

How long will it take

Does a caterpillar in the cocoon feel such discomfort as its body transforms

Into a butterfly

Or is it only the resistance of human fear that causes the body to react this way to becoming what God always intended and foresaw for it

Free me from this

Whether it be by means of release or completion

Let this pass

Let there be ease in this body that has suffered for many years

Let it’s teachings for me be blessed

And the participants freed without grudge

But with prayers of thanks for helping Gods plan

Even within my own ignorance

The realms of the divine seek me out

The yoke heavy on my shoulders as I contemplate what stands ahead

Is my throat preparing for the words that must be spoken

My heart for the cry’s that I am unable to answer

My head for the visions of choice made by the masses that I have not the power to change

I pray it all goes quickly

And my Father’s work through me manifest with joy

Engtovo ~ December 28, 2002

Think What You Will

Obsessed with negative thought

They overflow onto me

Attempting to attach to me

So that I will manifest them

Or accept them as my truth

I shall not

My creation does not belong to your fear

I understand the difficulties you find yourself in

The depth of fog

But a new clarity reigns here with me

It will not be clouded by you wanting me to experience with you

Similarity on levels draws us together

But also we are different

We cannot be always the same

I pray for you to let go

Give God room to work within your heart

To clear the fears

You place upon me a vision I did not ask for

When another did so to you

With certainly

You rebelled

You angered

How dare she

How dare you do the same to me

You do not know my next steps

Not in truth

You want to limit me with your perceptions

So I will stay in the oppression that mirrors your own

I will not

Cannot do this my friend

I have my own trail to blaze

And you would do well to follow my lead

This moment you wish to stay in drama

In fear

And complain

And think obsessively about 1 or 2 outcomes

To go from negative to positive

When they are the least likely of thousands possible

I cannot be your drama codependent

I can listen when emotion is true and in pure movement

But I must distance when mental spin takes control

With no real desire for solution

I will not be joining in the physical for that folly

I will continue on where God wants me

At home in Montana

Among the annoying who hide

I will not be noticed as I stand forth

You will not know

Unless I choose to tell you

That is the fact

The truth

You are perceptive and have gifts

But you cannot use that fact

To attempt to influence me

By offering me a perception that God has shown different

I will only trust the within

Think what you will

Obsess alone

It is not my role to participate in that

Anymore than the Dharljas have participated with me

When I did the same

Be free

You have choice

Putting your fears and thoughts onto me however

Is not one of them

Engtovo ~ November 17, 2002

Where Will My Foot Fall

Tell me self

Where will my foot fall next upon this journey

What place will I call home

Where does the creator ask me next to serve

I stand ready

My bed is made

It is filled with softness

For gentle slumber

That prepares me for each new expression

Dreams manifest with healing waters of emotion

The flow comes from within

And reaches out to touch all that is

And collapses back upon itself

With transformation of thoughts and feelings

The balance I prayed to find

Crept in and attacked by surprise

Sending my consciousness into a state of healing chaos

The chaos came with divine order

Clearing out all that stands in the way

This answered prayer

I greet with a heart of thankfulness

It is from this place

That I call for knowing of the next phase

Where will my foot fall

For that is the place

I will next lay my head

The foundation I will use to serve my further growth

A place I will pool my reserves

The rhythm that will serve the love in my heart

Give me a dream this night

To shine the direction my journey now takes

Show me where my foot will fall next

Engtovo ~ October 24, 2002