It Is Here That I Am

It is here that I am
Sitting alone in thought
Transitions due
They move in and change me
I see them in force
Look back but weeks
There is another there
She is not I
Painful is the transmutation
Necessary though it may be
This truth must awaken
Embrace this key factor
It is a gift that comes with hard labor
It brings new life
To both the woman
And the innocence returned
The gifts come like rocks
Not like feathers
They cannot sway and swoon in these winds
Gravity drops them hard
They shake me
Cause a human quake
The rocks blast me with intensity
I question my survival momentarily
Then I get up to assess
I am bruised from the battering
These wounds are temporary and self healing
What looks like destruction
Unfolds faults in foundation
The rebuilding is cathartic
Something much greater comes forth
It could never have been seen
Never understood if brought gently
Brought to my senses
It is here that I am

Tatiacha ~ March 3, 2011

Tears of Unseen Emotion

What will be is not within my domain
There are two that set the course of this movement
Reaching out and responding
Healing and seeking meaning
The hurts have not become us
The sense if impending doom is not certain
Vulnerability speaks out tangibility
Things are on the table
It is required
It pulsates out in waves of prayer
Things in silence bring death
My heart cries out languishing of direction
There are no dots to connect
Only space where confusion reigns
Will there be rebirth here in this act of truth
Sadness may instead be labored
The unknown beats down upon me with its weight
Fears submerge me intermittently
That darkness wants to sink me to the bottom
There is understanding beyond
A course must be taken
The winds blow though switching directions
They cannot be ascertained
My heart is at their mercy
I must submit
Something I do with great trepidation
I bow to the power that knows the mystery
Ask of myself trust in this process
Questioning all that I think I know inevitable
The answers are bound to implode
Perceived as good or bad
Beginning or ending embraced with intensity
Followed by tears of unseen emotion

Tatiacha ~ February 11, 2011

The Path of Revelation

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the true spiritual path. From all angles we see the result of the intellectual spiritual path. It doesn’t matter whether it is mainstream religion or various other spiritual traditions. There appears to be an overwhelming desire to conquer the spiritual through books, classes and workshops.

There are even those who wander from healing session to healing session and feel they’re on a spiritual journey when they are obviously on a journey to be healed by something outside of themselves. Certainly that is not to say that getting assistance in your healing from a spiritual healer, an alternative practitioner or using herbs and supplements to better your health is in any way a wrong path. Like the spiritual journey though the healing journey ultimately comes back to self and whether you are ready to allow any modality to give you the healing relief you seek.

More often than not a healing journey that has not come to any kind of successful healing is a calling to a higher spiritual quest and the soul is using the body to get you to pay attention to the true desire of the soul to raise its vibration. For many that start a healing journey that transitions into spiritual seeking, the natural tendency is to turn to books and outside authorities because that is the path that was taken to find answers to healing dilemmas. A journey focused on healing the physical though is not the same as a spiritual path.

A true spiritual path is filled with revelations. Each one builds upon those received previously. When too much research is done via books and workshops or visiting channelers the mind creates a belief system and when the person begins to have revelations the mind will attempt to force the interpretation of the revelation into the belief system already established. If someone exhibited extremely good discernment skills throughout the research time period then the belief system established would be a good one and no problem would be posed. I have rarely come upon someone who is that good at discerning however.

If you believe you may have already crossed the line of “too much information” and are concerned that this will corrupt your revelations the best course of action is to consciously practice not interpreting waking or meditative visions and dreams at all. Record them but assume nothing about them. Tell yourself that they will make themselves clear at a time and place when there have been enough revelations for a foundation separate from the previous belief system to stand firmly on its own. Allowing an open mind in this fashion can release previous limitation for a willing soul. This is the way that those who have been immersed in a particular religious dogma all their lives overcome the teaching they have received and find the core truth that started the religion to begin with. Often those in this situation keep all their revelations to themselves or they are ostracized within their religious community and others will attempt to bring them back in line with the group belief system.

A path of revelation is not an easy one. Particularly in the Metaphysical / New Age / Pagan philosophies there are many who want to be different. They are seeking to be perceived as special. They want the gifts more than the truth and many of them want the gifts in order to sell themselves so they can support themselves in a way they perceive will be more joyous. In a world that values humans so little and values money so much understanding how people come to that emotional place is easy. Having a gift however does not make you spiritual or put you on a spiritual path. Joining a coven for example is no different than joining a church in that is doesn’t mean you actually know anything. It is more than anything an expression of community and friendship, the true spiritual path requires only you.

I am always astounded by how many people will wax on and on about spirit and when you get into a deeper conversation you come to find they have no experience with spirit at all. They have read all the books they know the lingo and they think they are on a spiritual path. Because our world values book learning over other types of learning these are the most prevalent people to become the teachers and writers that then spawn another generation of people with no experience. They make a good living and are seen as the experts in the field while those who are actually on the path shake their heads in amusement and or disgust.

I know people who have incredible amounts of accurate spiritual information. Some of them have integrated a big chunk of it and have an amazing foundation for the rest of the path. The problem is they never take the rest of the path! They are unwilling to step away from the comfort level where they exist and allow themselves the time, or dedication to bring spiritual revelation into their lives. The reason this matters is that neither I nor anyone else who have received revelations can convey them to you. I can share my experience to the best of my ability but the majority of it is beyond word or teaching. It was felt, it was known in the moment. Often times in a long meditation with several revelations the memory of the events of the revelation are not even recalled intellectually by the time it is complete. It is integrated and becomes a part of you.

Many people have questioned me over the years about why I don’t lose faith. There are times I do lose faith is my first response, beyond that though is that even in those moments I know it is temporary and false. Inside of me I know I am simply processing feelings of fear or doubt but that it is just a feeling and not the truth. The reason I know this is because the revelations that came before these moments have created inside me something that is beyond the transitory emotions or frustrations of my mind.

I can’t count the number of people who are seeking proof. I doubt that any of them if they were to offer up a scenario that they would see as proof, and then that scenario came to pass, would accept it as truth or proof. The revelations you experience show you things beyond our normal senses so when it comes to proof, you know it has already been given within, and by the time it manifests without it is just the natural progression of what you already know and you don’t find it particularly impressive or necessarily noteworthy.

I know one person who makes a big deal of calling the rains and his services in that respect and expects big gifts to do this for people all the while saying he is doing it freely and accepting donations. One day another person who knows him as well and is a person of revelations, was saying it had been dry and he asked God for some rain quite casually, something he asks God for regularly and always receives. The conversation shifted to the other man and he was talking about his work as a rain caller. I said to him “you called the rains just today and you do that all the time”. He had so integrated this ability with his ongoing revelations that he never connected it with rain calling. The one who is out doing rain calling as a job is filled with ego about his ability that he has had since a child. The one on the path of revelation had developed the ability simply by aligning with God and Earth and knowing from his revelations that they will respond to every good request. He said “well I guess I did call the rains I never thought about it that way; I just can’t imagine why God would deny me rain where rain is needed when I asked, so I gave it no further thought.”

People are often in conflict with things I say on the blog and usually they are people with no direct experience with spirit. I get emails where people will blast me with the line “this book says…” There are a small amount of books out there written by people who are really on the journey, but once again just because they have shared their experience does not convey the truth of that true knowledge to the reader. The real point of anyone one on the path of revelation writing a book is to inspire others to go within and perhaps to help them form a basic foundation of terminology to help them understand what is happening to them as they progress. If you read those books but then go no farther you are simply occupying your mind like the reading of a book on any other subject. It is not necessarily a bad thing as a whole. It allows some people to be well rounded or even open minded but it cannot replace the true work.

The main reason people avoid the true path is fear. It is not for the faint of heart. It is hard. You will have to face all your inner demons, all your family issues, all your pain. At some points in that process you may experience physical illness attempting to process this inner darkness to raise your vibration. Some people die during one of these times others come close to death many times over the course of 20-40 years of processing. Being enlightened is the moment of seeing there is something more then the obvious life most people see. When you know there is something more you cannot stop knowing it. The question is will you then pursue that by seeking within until all of God’s truth has been revealed? That is the path.

Anyone can wake up (be enlightened) very few do anything about it, some attempt to go back to sleep. Some try and cope with just knowing there is something more by blocking out time with mind altering substances. I have never met a person that has received revelation that did not reach a point where they knew they must no longer ingest any mind altering substance. Only so much can be revealed under the influence, the rest of the revelations will not come until you are sober so your vibration can continue to rise to the level of those revelations. Just intellectually knowing this one issue itself is enough to stop many people from even attempting to take the path. They are not willing to give up their stress relief and in all honesty I understand why they want to keep it. Even those of us who have been on this path a long time wish we could step off for a week or a month, take a spiritual vacation, as it were. I really don’t have a problem with people who choose not to take this journey. I do have a problem with them claiming that they are taking it when they are clueless, let alone the arrogance of thinking they are qualified to teach it to others when they are not doing it themselves.

I’m not sure why this is on my mind this week. I have been thinking a lot of how easy it is to be swayed by the thoughts, feelings and fears of those around us. It is easy to substitute the belief of a group for your own when you want to feel close and bond with others. Spiritual community whether a church or a drumming group can be a nurturing loving thing. It can also become a detriment to the truth path as you attempt to fit in and mold your revelations to be acceptable to those whose approval you want or need. Often times the path is lonely no matter how much time you spend with others because there is no way to share these elements of your knowing that have become you. On the rare occasion you meet some one else who has gone though the same levels of revelations as yourself and the joy in the kinship is amazing.

All I can say for sure is that the levels of revelations I have been though have left me knowing without doubt that it is all worthwhile. No matter how much pain and difficulty I have been though on the journey, I would not go back and take a different fork in the road that left me asleep, or left me enlightened but doing nothing about it. There is something alive inside me that grows with every revelation and propels the further work. It radiates with the forthcoming commencement. It repels the fears and doubt of others and moves forward no matter the obstacles presented by the world. It seeks the daily balance between the burden of the knowing what is to come and the gratitude that is inherent in moving every step closer to divine expression.

We have moved into the final days of this cycle of the earth and building your foundation of revelations is more important than ever. What has been common sense in regard to things like earth changes is meaningless now. We each need to trust the inner self and follow that even when the advice seems counter intuitive or contradicts long held belief systems. You cannot trust intellectual knowledge for this time on earth it could only take you so far even in the best of times and the best of times are over. If you have been resisting the path of revelation it is time to get on with it or prepare to leave the planet. Although you are not required to take this path, those who will become the builders of the new world are all people who have chosen to take it.

My Fear

Shiver hits

Races up the spine

Familiar energy

A gift of acknowledgment

Though it is felt

Mood remains unchanged

Melancholy

Searching

Questioning everything

Tears well and recede

There is no subject matter

Just release

Attempted understanding

Neither head nor heart

Offer up information

There is a void

A heaviness

A slow aching pull

To unknown places

Something is being birthed

It labors in my chest

It’s insatiable

Uncomfortable

Confined

Cut the strings

Set it forth

Something good must come of this

A final push of emotion

I feel it

It is uncertain

Wild

Uncontrollable

What am I supposed to do with this

Run toward it

Run away

Be still

I fear no good can come of this

My fear

I know it better than I know myself

It wrote my history

How much longer must it write the future

 

Engtovo ~ August 31, 2008

Peace Is Still Not Found

Needy

Grasping

Pushing pulling

Confusion of familiarity

Aching

Turning

Sending receiving

Puzzle pieces missing

Heart calls out

No answers looming

Clock keeps ticking

Why can’t it be clear

Control fading

Something looming

Feelings unprepared

Fire burning

Sweet light nearing

Meaning can’t be found

Turmoil inside

Insanity outside

Peace is still not found

 

Engtovo ~ August 30, 2008

Hurt

Contemplate alternatives

See a new way

It is ready to birth

Does anyone care

It seems not

It seems that they only see lies

Why is the truth so frightening

It seems comforting to me

Lies are what cause pain

Destruction is birthed in lies

Hurt cannot be run from

It follows like a loyal dog

It nags

It grows

It demands and then controls

Decisions get made in that turmoil

It is unacknowledged

Yet it is the deciding force

It motivates bad choices

It clouds judgment

And causes more hurt

It multiplies and moves out

It hurts one then two

Then four then eight

Exponentially it moves

The first one denies any responsibility

Blames everyone else

And it goes on

Passed like a pandemic

There must be immunity

Somewhere the secret lies

I seek it out

Ask the Creator for a map

For this hurt

It is not the divine plan

There is another way

If only it is chosen

Let go of those who are carriers

Open your eyes to the simplicity

There is gentleness here

It embraces us all

Feel it

Allow it to ease the hurt away

Sequester yourself when contagious

Refuse to pass it on

Take responsibility

Not with guilt or fear

But simply with acknowledgement

Seek out your motives

Contemplate alternatives

Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ August 23, 2007

A Home

Why can’t I have a home
When others have many
And stills others have none
Why can’t we all have a home
How can it be that we be denied the basic thing
That we moved from time when anyone
Could make a hut in a place where no one lived
To a time when we are told we have no right to be
People sleep on the street
Not allowed any dignity
I do not sleep on the street
I am grateful for this
But I still do not have a home
I live where another controls the energies
The arrangement
It is not suitable to my energies
But with no money
In a world controlled by such
I am left to deal with the consequences
Of unaligned energies
I deserve a home
We all do
No addiction of one on the street
Mean he or she is unworthy of shelter
There is nothing anyone can do
That should prevent us from having a home
The world has been so corrupted
How can it come to this dear God
How can it come to this

Engtovo ~ June 8, 2006

The Canvas

The canvas is supposed to be blank
Why is it already written on
The writing is obscured so it cannot be read
It is just there
Blocking the purity of a new creation
What is created upon it
Will always carry its energy
Soiled
Sullied
I want to start over
Really start over
I don’t want to start with a canvas that is stained with the past
The colors will not show themselves right
The subtleties with be filled with shadows
Not of my intent
How will my heart express
From a canvas that is not clean
I’m tired
No amount of white paint will cover
It will not give me a fresh start to hide what is there
I want it erased
I want it gone
Forever
Is it possible
Just give a new canvas damn it
Why should I even have to ask
Why shouldn’t I have an unlimited supply of new canvases
Where every mistake
Every slipped stoke
Can simply be discarded
To discard them does not mean they are forgotten
Holding on to them is not required to learn from them
It only ruins everything thereafter
I’m tired
I don’t even know how to paint
How I am supposed to paint over the past

Engtovo ~ June 8, 2006

Always Broken

I’m alone
So alone
No one to hold to touch
My heart aches
And nothing changes
I am isolated here
These two bodies that share this house
Are empty
We exist in the same space
But nothing moves between us
Will it always be this way
I don’t see a way out
I’m afraid I will die like this
I have no one
Nothing
I reach out to spirit
They are always with me
But they cannot hug me
Hold my hand
Look into my eyes
I’ve tried to shut down
So the pain would stop
But it doesn’t work
I can’t stop feeling and feeling
Longing
Fearing
Please make it stop
Give meaning to my life
What is the point in my being here
No one’s life would be different without me
Mom would cry and be a victim
For a week or two
She would then do what she does
Sit in front of the TV
Saying she is going to go through my stuff tomorrow
Randy would simply have an excuse to wallow
He wallows now with no excuse
Lee would be affected
But he has lived without me before
So tell me God why do I remain
To fight the illuminati
And if so then why do you not support me
Why do I struggle and toil
If your work is my only reason for life
No husband
No children
Only pain and loneliness
I cannot do it anymore
You know I would never take my life
It is not how I am made up
So is it my suffering you want
This world would survive without me
My passing would go almost unnoticed
Maybe 10 people would care at all
They would say it’s a shame
And go on as we all do at a passing
A life insignificant
Nothing to pass on
No one to pass it on to
If I could be like others
I could just hide from these facts in a bottle
Pretend my life has meaning
But I am not
And I see the spec that I am
My life does not align with my truths
I am just another hypocrite in a sea of dreamers
Always wanting
Never finding a way to do
Never believing in my ability to do
Just alone with my dreams
Why can’t I have love
Be loved
Give love
What the hell is wrong with me
I’m broken
I keep trying to fix me
To no avail
Still broken
Always broken

Engtovo ~ June 8, 2006

A Baby Comes

A baby comes
Conceived in lies, deception and manipulation
Conceived in hurt, heartache and neediness
A baby comes
A new life tender and vulnerable
What will become of this life
How can he walk through the coals
Of the fire that is his very creation point
There is drama, fear and anger
Why must a new life start this way
A baby comes
It should be a most joyous and sacred occasion
How can our family be in a position where this joy is thwarted
I want to scream and yell
In frustration and disappointment
That this could happen here
Where there is so much knowledge and God Love
But my screams would be heard only by spirit
My heart aches for him
A baby comes
There is no one ready to nurture him
He is surrounded by pain
By abusive behavior
By ignorance and indifference
He deserves so much more
A baby comes
I feel powerless to change anything around him
I feel powerless to influence those who can
They think of themselves only
Incapable of putting him first
He cries out to me
I hear him
But will they allow me to answer
A baby comes
God please create a path for him
One that frees him from these low vibrations


Engtovo ~ May 8, 2006

Earn My Own Trust

Mercury returns to me
Bringing up feelings
I thought long ago dead
Sadness
Loneliness
Hopelessness
Lack of faith in my own power
It is the right time to face these things again
Or they would not be here in my heart
How many layers deep do they go
When will I pass through them forever
I am not where I want to be
Expressing as I see myself
What will bridge the gap
Allow me to create my life in truth
As I know myself within
Pain does not express me
It is a lie
I am not a victim
But I cling to victimization patterns
That do not serve me
I will not allow others to define me consciously
And yet I am not defining myself
Not choosing to live as me somehow
What is the first step
I wish I knew
What action would set me on that path
I ponder
Contemplate endlessly
And no answer emerges
And so I continue
Looking for a solution
That does not materialize
I feel I must seek it
But it eludes me so completely
I am lost
Not knowing where to begin the search
It must come from within
But it is as if that part of me is missing
Doesn’t exist
And so I sit here praying to be saved
When I know only I can save myself
Where will I learn how
Or is it simply that the part of me that knows how
Still doesn’t believe I deserve it
The information is being hidden away from me
By me
What does it take to earn my own trust
To sustain my own faith in myself
To break through this barrier
I don’t have the energy to endure
So what does that mean
I will give up on my self
Just lay down and die now
And I will have proven myself unworthy of my own trust and faith
That makes me so angry
How dare I refuse myself anything
What ever made me believe I had permission
To hold myself captive
Punish myself
For deeds of perspective that are meaningless
What do I say to myself deep down
I have hurt people
Everyone on the planet has hurt people
That does not make me unique
People have hurt me
We have all been hurt that does not make me unique
Do I believe I should be immune to being hurt
Be perfect never hurting another
Even sacrifice who I am to not hurt another
Subjugate myself
It is not possible
I could give myself away
In an effort to never hurt anyone
And in the process someone would get hurt
And I would be hurt the worst of all
No I must think I need punishment
Simply for my existence
Some part of me does not believe I have the right exist
To be alive
To be on the planet
What part are you
And what led you to this absurd perspective
And how do I neutralize you forever
Or integrate you into the truth
I am worthy just because I exist
I am a child of God
And nothing more is required of me other than my existence
To deserve every good thing in life
My heart wants to scream
No words
No thought
Just primal
Disgust that it has come to this
Days are wasted in this crap
When God wants me to have joy
When is it enough
This is my creation
And I am not satisfied with it
I want more
Deserve more
Must create more
I am tired of settling for this
Talking of timing
Trying to be at peace with what is
Be in acceptance
I am NOT in acceptance
I don’t want to accept this
It can change
I should only accept what cannot be changed
I have to find a way to turn this anger I feel around
Instead of turning it on myself for creating this
I need to use it to move the energy forward
And bring my change
Create my life
As I envision it in truth

Engtovo ~ November 20, 2005

How Dare You

What’s loyalty
What’s family
Where is the line
The truth
What is guilt and obligation
What is freely given
What is manipulation
How does one free oneself without guilt
From those who are entwined into our lives
Relationships that are unhealthy
Expectations unrealistic and undeserved
Why do we give one another these powers
If I take care of myself
I am said to be selfish
Whether it is true or not
It holds energy
With lifelong relationships
I can do nothing wrong
And be seen as the bad guy
As others cling to victimization
And project onto me as the oppressor
Simply for taking my own power and walking away
Having done nothing to them
Good bad or indifferent
Simply choosing to live my life
How did it get this way
Why did I allow it
Why does my stomach still churn
As if the world will crumble
When I make the choice to nurture myself by moving on
Because I will not have their approval and acceptance
I do not have it now in truth
But they pretend I do
And so what is it I lose by my choice
I lose only them pretending to accept me
Pretending to respect me
Pretending to care about my spiritual perspectives
And yet the masterful family plan is so ingrained
That my stomach churns more and more
At the thought of losing the illusion
It all disgusts me to the core
Is my own self worth really so fragile
That I am afraid to have my family stop pretending to accept me
And just be in an honest space about their resentment
The envy
The fear
The anger
How many years have I been subtlety trained
To feel guilt a the slightest thought of independence
Shame that I should want to do something without them
I have the right to my life
God gave it to me
He did not tie us together like Siamese twins
I want to scream
How dare you
How dare you
You don’t even like me
Yet I am suppose to sit here and beg for your acceptance and approval
Suppose to give you my gifts
So you can throw them away like they are nothing
Suppose to feel like less than I am
So that others can try to be ok with themselves
I am sorry that you envy me
That is your sorry self esteem
You don’t have the right to tear me down to feel better
You don’t have the right to claim some part of me
Current or future
As if I am something you own
Like an investment that won’t seem to come to fruition
Is always a disappointment to you
Despite the fact that you are clueless what goes on within me
Looking for results
That are not of you or for you
I must cast it all off now
There will be intense anger that I don’t comply with the expectations
But this is not my burden to carry
I have done nothing to harm any
Only tried to love
But that is not what this family is about
New family will be born
Of others like myself
This will bring even further anger
You will feel betrayed
Simply because I love
How sad is that
I will never understand how we came to this
I know the history
And yet it makes no sense
You will feel betrayed by me empowering myself
Choosing to seek joy and love in life
Companionship
Nurturing
Harmony
You can’t even see that if I had the power
That is the same thing I would want for you all
But you don’t want it for yourselves
And you don’t want me to have it
So what choice do you leave me
But to walk away
To follow the Creator’s path for me
It’s been such a long and difficult journey together
If only I had found the courage at the deepest level
The understanding and truth that I sought to protect a lie
I would have been able to walk away years ago
But everything in its own time
Your anger, disappointment, feelings of betrayal
Whatever you want to place on me
It is your own
And I leave it with you

Engtovo ~ October 20, 2005

Truth Finally Spoken

It comes out in the open
That which is long since known
Its harsh presentation is punctuated with intensity
Truth finally spoken
No matter how unbalanced
It is sad
But spoken it is free
Its depth is overwhelming
There is no self responsibility therein
Blame me for all that has happened
Blame me for all that has not
All that will happen
All that will not
He knows not what is inside
He cannot see the steps or growth
He looks only for actions of his desire
That is not his right
He attached himself to my outcome
How absurd is that
He was on hold
Waiting
Watching
For me to prove to him what I have said
Also not his right
I will prove nothing
Not to him or any other
My journey is my journey
It does not need to be proven
It simply exists
He is upset about my relationship with spirit
When I am not
Simply an expression of how little he knows of what’s inside me
He feels he was replaced by two people whose energies always stood beside me
He has never discovered himself
Only sees himself through me somehow
It is beyond my comprehension
He is angry at me for being mortal
Yet in life with him that is all I’ve ever been
My journey will complete in divine time
He will not be there to witness.

Engtovo ~ October 18, 2005

The Movement Continues

I believe everything is for a reason
Yet it feels like a waste
11 years for what
Just to understand that it made no difference
Is that what took me 11 years to learn
How do you express compassion
Without giving over to attachment
How do you relate to family
And care while letting go of the outcome
It was all so important to me
I sacrificed so much of my own life
I thought it mattered
But now it appears it didn’t
Nothing was truly changed
Only the form that the dysfunction expresses in
Not the dysfunction itself
My heart aches
And while I am vulnerable
I am attacked by one who wants
Power
Wisdom
Strength
All that I possess
As if he could actually get it by attacking
It is sad that in depth
He resents me that much
Is it a curse or a blessing to see truth
Both I imagine
You wish you could just shut it out and ignore it
But you know you cannot live the other way
All this was destined to happened
Because I cared as a mortal cares
Not as a Master cares
Now how do I detach
Truly
Fully
I am despised by my own family
Because they do not want to change
And I have spent years trying to help them change
How do I stop my heart from hurting
That they do not want to heal
I know that I am different
I have always known that
My desire for truth and healing
Has consumed me
I could never understand
Why they do not share in that passion
But they do not
I must let go
Leave them in dysfunction
And choose to live my life
Expressing joy
In the truth God has given me
Did you want me to spend these years this way God
Or was I using free will
And you simply turned it to serve me
Was there another path for me
One free of all this
Or was this the only way through
There is an empty place inside my heart now
I ask you to fill
Show me the trail to take from here
You have shown me the visions of the other way
That is what I want
My heart is ripped open
That which was trapped inside can be freed
It’s time
I’m so tired of the endless expectation of others
They think they know
What I should do
What I shouldn’t do
How I should act
What I should feel
How I should express
When they won’t even look at themselves
They won’t come out and express these things
They just hold it in their energy and project it at me
Where are you in them God
Where is your focus
Why don’t they have it
Or why can’t they find it
All I know is I have it
It lives in me
Even when my mortal expression fears or doubts
There is something bigger there
Living in me
Directing the energy
Divine intelligence
Divine principle
It is there in them
Is it simply latent
Are they afraid to embrace it
Is there no room for it
Simply they have refused to seek it out
Refused to go within where it awaits
I want around me those who have sought it
Those who embrace it
Those focused to live it
Those whose hearts are unable to stop moving
Like magnets drawn to the Creator
The movement continues
No matter the reaction of the others

Engtovo ~ January 30, 2005

Release

Mortal life is fading from me

Connections severed

Preparing the way for me to be alone

To retreat

To live in peace

I feel the separation

But it feels right

It does not come with sadness

I am impatient to get on with it

Why does it have to drag on

Even though time is moving so quickly for me

It feels like a waste

I know there must be purpose to it

But I cannot touch that understanding

It feels arbitrary

Unnecessary

There is a weight on my heart

That is not pain

Is not burden

It is a release

As yet lacking clarity

Like a hole first made in a cocoon

I seek to make it bigger to remove myself

But right now it causes pressure

There is an impetus to break through

And a tiredness of spirit

As much as I am propelled to move forward

I wonder why it matters

I cannot sense the ripples

And do not care about them

I only want the struggle to be over

And the peace to move through me consistently

Engtovo ~ November 20, 2004

Toxic Food Addiction

Toxic holiday food

How can it be a celebration

Giving thanks

By poisoning my body

Keeping myself sick after nearly 20 years of suffering

Is that what I am to be thankful for

Is that the legacy of this family

It is just sickness of the spirit

Sickness of the emotions

There is no prayer at these gatherings

No true gratefulness

No actual celebration

Just gluttony of poison foods

And it then flows right into the supposed celebration of the Christ

Again with the same poison meal

Destroying my Christ temple

This will be the last

Never again will I participate

Celebrations must be that, a celebration

Not a food fest

There should be prayer

Song

Joy and laughter

None of those exist in this ritual

If it means I never spend another holiday with this family of birth

So be it

I must be true to myself

Take care of myself

My body temple

I know what my body needs

And what It does not want

This holiday toxic meal is only a symptom

Of a larger daily ritual

I have no support here for my wellbeing

I choose to support myself

Even if that means cutting out of my life

People who will not support my wholeness

Almost 20 years is almost 20 years too long

For what

For a sick ritual

That somehow is the tie that binds this family

An addiction that will not be addressed by any other than me

They support only my weakness in this addiction

So that in my weakness I do not ask them to look at their own

It is the worst kind of co-dependence

I take myself out of the mix

And call to my life people who can support me making healthy choices for me

There will be no more toxic holiday food

There will be no more toxic daily food

I will not eat out of addiction at all

But only to support my precious life

With love taking in

Only that which does not poison me

They will do what they will in their own space

I am far away now

If they come to visit me

They will eat healthy while they are in my home

Or they will stay in their own

They will not be allowed to attempt to come to me and drag me back into that gutter

That is my chosen boundary

Any who attempt such will not be welcome in my sacred space

Period

This is done now Creator

I know you support me in this

Engtovo ~ November 10, 2004

One Day

It vibrates inside and causes pain

It makes muscles spasm and quake

The enormity of it

Makes my stomach churn in discomfort

Dread takes me from foot to head

Convinced I am not ready

And I never will be

Messages given to me in childhood

Leading me to believe

I could become nothing

Do nothing

That would affect this world in any significant way

No one intended for me to believe that

They did not know

Could not tell me

That every person affects this world in a significant way

No matter the role they play

They did not know of the role I came to take

Unable to support this mission I take

I have been left alone

To conquer the terror

No comfort can come from them

They would not know what they are comforting

Why they are comforting

Even if they knew that I need comfort

My expression comes to surface

For as much as I know of myself

There is always more that I do not know

More to bring my body to pieces

Quaking in the face of my own power

I ask for knowledge

For manifestation

But do not feel worthy of keeping my own secrets

Do not trust myself to handle my chosen destiny

The conflict this creates within me

Causes my body to stop functioning

It attempts to shut down

To stop breathing

To stop pumping the blood

But death is weaker than my power and my body continues despite my terror

Another day comes and it looks like the one before

I wonder if they always will

The physical changes I have seen

Never seem to reach me

And yet I know they will

One day will come that will not look the same

I beg for that day

And yet that day brings me to my knees

It represents months and years of days

Where I must stand in my power

That day is the crossroads

The point at which I can hide no longer

The role that changes that day is small

And in itself is nothing to fear

But it is the domino set in motion

The days that follow cannot be stopped

In truth they cannot be stopped this day

But that day is the catalyst to my mind

Something perceptible that can be feared

The fear of that day must be my greatest pain

When the day itself will be greeted with love and joy

Let it pass let it be done

Let me embrace it

Release my body

From of prison of self created pain

Let my breath come with ease

Let my heart be rhythmic and peaceful

Bring this harmony into me and let the days and years play out

Let my power have its way with me

It comes from the place of grace

It is born of love


Poetry ~ October 22, 2004

Fly Away

Why do you do it

Why do you want to place on me

Hopelessness and despair

The belief that if you cannot accomplish something

That I cannot accomplish it

Good luck you say

How disgusting that is

The negativity permeates everything you do

Would it be so hard to say

I wish you well

I hope you do it

I want the best for you

I want you to accomplish anything that will bring you joy

Perhaps even I have faith in you

Of course that would be a lie

You have no faith in me

Because you have no faith in yourself

No faith in God

No faith period

It is sad

And it tires me to live in your sadness

I will not let it in

You do not define me and what I can accomplish

Any more than our father does

I define myself through the Creator

Your desire for me to fail in order to validate your lack of faith is your issue

I will not validate your refusal of joy

I cast you off

I cast off that part of you that reflects dad in me

I have no limitation

Unless I choose to be limited

You may choose to remain there

It will be hard to watch

But watch I will

I will not live there with you

You will have to watch me fly away

Engtovo ~ September 6, 2004

Death Of Victimization

Confusion attempted to take over my consciousness

It was successful for a day

One measly day is all it can now manage

It did it well for a day

It used full drama

Hopelessness

Loneliness

And fear

It did not miss an opportunity for negative thought this day

Many tears came

Heart weeping in heavy sighs

Exhausted

Heavy

Weary

Fearful

Hopeless

The clearing profound despite its unpleasantness

But after this dismal day

The sun has broken out and new clarity takes over

And confusion was unsuccessful in taking me off my path

Back into victimization

It was used to serve my healing

Surface those things not yet fully acknowledged

I remember when my mind could sustain that confusion fear and doubt

For weeks at a time

How did I live through such a thing

When now a single day had me ready to meet my maker

So humorous it is now

A few days later

I almost believed my whining and whimpering self pity

Unfortunately for the internal saboteur

I know better

It all came from that place that does not wish to give up victimization

But it’s too late

I have claimed my power

Victimization is dying

And on that dismal day

It was grasping for breath

Desperately trying to stay alive

But all it was given

Was a chance to say fair thee well


Engtovo ~ January 18, 2004

I Feel Alive

Weariness is with me

But for a short time

I feel it overtake me

Yet I am separate from it

It has my body

It does not have my emotion this time

Emotions are at the surface

But they are allowed

Understood to be expressed

As they surface

There is no force to attempt to contain them

So only the body falters temporarily

There is simultaneously a sense of peace within my heart

An acceptance that this process is coming to completion

It serves the greater good

This lessens the effect

Allows it to pass more quickly

Yet still I am tired of these processes

I wish to have a refuge

A place where my environment gives me nourishment

In these times of transformation

I open my heart to receive this place

A place where I can facilitate this work fully

There are no distractions

No conflicting energies

The schedule and time my own

I can see now it is not much to seek

For a long time I thought it was too much to ask for

But in fact it is so little

The lives of those who care for me will not be changed

In any significant way

My presence will be distant

They will continue their routines as they do now

Very little will change for them with my presence distant

Perhaps at one point that would have upset me

I felt the need to be more important to their daily life

But this has changed inside me

I see they are self reliant

And I am free

To nourish myself

Now only the place is to come

I am ready

As are they

I give myself to this truth

I embrace it joyfully

I allow the excitement of this self love to emerge

How long it has been in coming

All of me wants to participate together

Body, mind, emotion and spirit

The wholeness that is there in truth is being sought by all

Expression comes from all four

To seek one unified life

It is my time

All roads have lead to this place

My heart open

I feel it move inside me

My arms are open wide to the embrace of this new beauty

I breathe in the understanding of it

I feel centered even while the body is still weary

I can feel the end to weariness

I feel alive

Engtovo ~ October 16, 2003

Boundaries

Anger entwined with sadness

Betrayal of the intention of the divine

Those who come to offer themselves but will not stand up for themselves

Make the offering void

There is difference between boundary and limitation

Boundaries we set allow us to live free

Allow us to respect ourselves

Limitations are those that are set to control others

Boundaries are born in right action right thought

What is in the best and highest good of all

We cannot grow as humans without boundaries

No more than a child can become an adult alone

Without boundaries we can be only victims

And or victimizers

Things such as murder and rape become ok

In the world without boundaries

Respect comes from acknowledging your own boundaries

And the boundaries of others

A world without respect

Is a world filled with pain

It is the world which we have created here

A world where people take what belongs to another

Covet their connection to the divine

Kill all the inhabitants of an area to steal the land and resources

Enslave people and con them into thinking they are free

I will stand in my boundaries

I will stand thus in my freedom

I will not cower before the ignorance of others

They speak of respect but it is only words

They live the truth of

See no evil

Hear no evil

Speak no evil

They do not accept their responsibility in creating evil

By refusing to set or acknowledge boundaries

There is only a moment that is this life

I will not waste its precious energies

I allow into my space only those who know boundaries

Those who can acknowledge and honor my boundaries

Those who are clear on their own boundaries

So that I can honor theirs

In this mutual respect and honoring of basics truths

Of right and wrong

Harmony can be found

Engtovo ~ September 21, 2003

Law of Integrity

Prompt me god to continue

I question how much more my heart can take

Why is this world so difficult to stand in

Things so simple

So true to all religious or spiritual beliefs

Seem to be constant struggles for those people who I meet

What part of “stealing is wrong”

Is so hard to understand

I can understand the concept of people questioning what is stealing

When the line is grey

When the ownership is uncertain

But that is not at issue here father

The line is clearly defined

Something taken without regard

Without regret

No remorse

No understanding at all that something was done that is wrong

Not just by the doer of the deed

But also by the maker of ceremonies

The spiritual leader of many

I cannot understand this

Where is the confusion with these three people

How and when will they learn this most basic law

Law of the universe

Law of humanity

Law of integrity

How many other laws of yours that are simple enough for the youngest of child

Do they not understand or consciously break

My heart grieves

I cannot make ceremony with someone who steals from me

Or makes stealing from me ok for another

The fact that what was stolen was sacred

A gift from you to me

That I wanted to share with my son

Adds insult to injury

The theft happened in the midst of sacred ceremony

And the sacred item taken into the ceremony as an adornment

A marriage ceremony something I also hold most sacred

Based in your teachings to me

Made dirty with the theft of the wife & her teacher

And the ignorance of the husband

What will become of such a marriage father

I gifted this marriage my sacred marriage cloth as well

Will I watch as a commitment made in lies

Crumbles in its own creation

How many people will be hurt by this breaking of basic laws

How long will we continue forth in a world where this is seen as so small a transgression

That it is not to be noticed

Seen as insignificant

I know that we are all not perfect

That we all have faltered in the law of integrity

But these three don’t seem to care

They cannot even acknowledge that something wrong has taken place

How deeply is the corruption ingrained in the consciousness of humans

Where are there hearts that I can connect with my own

Ones who can say simply I faltered I’m sorry

To wake up the next day conscious of this faltering

And striving to do better

This is honesty

Living in truth

Does it exist here

I turn to you God

I ask you to make your laws alive in me

In spirit

In thought

In deed

These three people show me what I do not want to be

Take me down your road God

Teach me what I do not yet know of your laws

Lift my heavy heart

Fill every place within me that is unfulfilled

So that I may walk your laws on this earth

And become the law of integrity

Engtovo ~ September 21, 2003

Do For

Sponges take up the spills of what is undesired

What causes some humans to take this energy upon them

Taking the cause of another

Seeking to offer solution

In return for acceptance perhaps

Looking for a way to be perceived as useful or in fact indispensable

Such a waste of precious life force it is

There is no more time to spend looking for ways to provide for

Instead of showing how to manifest from within self

Thoughts moved through over the years always desiring to care take others

While my own health failed

I did not care for myself

Others willingly participated in this endeavor

To attempt to “do for” everyone else

Not loving myself

Now I will care for myself with absolute selfishness

Knowing it will ultimately result in my most selfless expression

Coming to the surface to serve the whole for God

Instead of caretaking a few for self

That has been an act of selfish control

That harms all parties

I shall find a place for

My work

My love

My creative force

My regeneration on every level

I will enter this space alone

And invite others in only as I feel the energy is right

To continue the positive force I create

Thank you father

For this wisdom and understanding

Thank you for creating with me this space

Within and without

For the next step of my journey with you

Engtovo ~ November 17, 2002

Mother

Mother – define this word

As a definition escapes me from experience in this body alone

I can return before this body and find ample definition

But when I do it only serves to make defining the term in this body

All the more gruesome of a task

What creates a mother that can have her heart closed

Even to her own children

This defies my understanding at a level so deep

That this one question alone

If answered

Perhaps has the potential to solve all of the earth’s problems

What happens to the essence of a woman

That she could create life within her

And in any form

Emotional, physical, mental or spiritual

Seek to destroy that very life

How can a mother’s heart be filled with envy for her own child

And wish to stop that child from succeeding

From having joy and a good life

How deep does her shadow have to control her

How can a mother take credit for anything good her child has ever done

To be ok in herself

She must hold her own child down in some form

What kind of mother wishes to steal a child’s self respect and self reliance

In order to serve herself

One who would sacrifice the lives and happiness of all her children

To not be alone herself

Instead of living her life and not being alone by being alive

What a coward such a woman must be

What depth of self hatred she must carry

And yet even with understanding of this

I still cannot understand how it came to be so

How can she look right into my eyes

And attempt to deceive and manipulate me

How can she live with knowing how she has hurt us all

And not want to change

But continue forth the same

How shut down do you have to be

To be that completely self centered

That you cannot even see your own child’s pain staring back at you

What kind of woman can’t even accept self responsibility for these things

When her daughter offers her total forgiveness and new beginning

But instead she digs in more determined to control for her own ends

Each and every part of me that I have hated and have healed was a part of her

How did I find my own heart in the midst of her energies

In every part of my life

As much as I have always wanted children

I am grateful that they did not come

That I did not offer them

The part of me that I modeled after her

In my young ignorance

I turned to God and got a true reflection to model

And prayed she would do the same

But she did not

I have given her 8 years this time for this healing

This only because of a child

That my heart would not see grow up

With only her view of the world

What does mother mean

I cannot define it by my own

For she is the definition of what is not a mother

So I will move forth on my own now

With only the earth for my mother

And allow God to heal within me

What is left to heal

In relation to mother

Engtovo ~ April 9, 2002

Give Me The Tools I Pray

So tired of the energy fight

Why can’t she sabotage herself without attempting to take me down with her

The resentment is eating me alive

How do I live in the arena of her self deception

Fill me God

Give me strength

Don’t let me give in to old ways of hate

How do I love and accept love from someone who tries to lower me

Lessen me

I can’t fight this fight anymore

Yet I cannot give in for If I do I will die

I cannot let her presence guide me with her ignorance

How do I guide myself uninfluenced by all she does

I must leave here God

There is no way to stop the energetic fight and be in this space together

Not that I can see

If there isI question my ability to take that road if I did see it

I am asking for the tools

The understanding

The love to overcome such an enemy

One who loves you with limitation

Loves you right to your death or destruction

One who cannot see that that death and destruction is what they held out for you

What they pushed you toward

You fought

You pushed back

One day if you stop

Surely you will simply be pushed over the edge of the abyss

Where death and destruction await

She will cry and whine and feel no understanding of her part

She will claim herself the victim of my loss

The sufferer of my pain

I feel sick in the thinking of her and this journey

I wonder how so much healing can occur

But the basic element of our relationship remains toxic

Why am I still here

What is left to see

I have prayed, meditated, healed

What can be left

Am I to die or destruct here

Is she just someone I use to aid in my self destruction

I’ve come to the point where I honestly do not want to die

Or destruct

Is that the point

Staying until I want to live, to love fully

Want to thrive not just survive or exist

If more fighting of the energy is required

You will have to do it God

For I have nothing more left within me to fight with

I have little left to heal with

And yet you fill me continuously

How can this be

How can I be depleted

Everything in your universe is available to me

How can it not be enough to sustain me in my truth

What power do I give her that she should wield it so

How do I stop giving of this power,

this will,

this flow

I have prayed and asked for a gentle loving parting

Now I feel as if my life my very survival is on the line

Although my heart wishes for a parting that is loving

My mind no longer cares

It can be angry parting

My mind is now fighting for me

For my survival instead of against me

Mind body and soul all cry out with deep emotion

To liveI must go now God

Show me the way

Give me the tools to thrive

Take my hand

Walk me out the door

I feel like I have been wandering around with no homeland

No sacred space

No rhythm that is mine

Not because I do not have it but because I have no place to express it

No energy space free of thoughts of those that want to limit me

I want to go home

I want to have a sacred space to hold pure

I want to choose who to allow into it and for what and how long

Maybe I am just too sensitive for this world

Perhaps my prayer should be for a cave

Where I would dwell only with you

See only you

Talk only to you

I know your strength dwells within me

I use it often

Where is it now

I don’t even want to be strong

I want to be away forever from this woman and all who are like her

If she sucked my energy and yours through me and used it in service

Perhaps I could find some basis of understanding

But she sucks it and lets it dissipate and be wasted

She wants me ill so I will remain

It is a sick game

Please give me the tools and understanding to stop it

To end my part

Today

This moment

Let me be free of this

I pray

Engtovo ~ November 6, 2001

Daddy

My pony whispers in my ear daddy

repeating the words you’ll never hear

confidant in fur

only he knows the 10 year old inside

why don’t you?

Where is your game this week daddy

do I have to go?

I’ve things I’d rather do

how would you ever know?

Church on Sunday all proper daddy

does it mean a thing?

we eat grapefruit and Sara Lee

before we go

it’s a ritual it seems

can we go to church without it?

I’ve things I’d rather do daddy

explain to me the point

It’s too bad you don’t know

why it is we go

Do you feel like a proper family man daddy

going through these rituals each week

do you even notice daddy

we don’t even speak?

Let’s go camping daddy

perhaps you’ll come and swim

i’ll have your full attention

If only for a short time

Why did mommy leave daddy

do you even know?

everyone is so confused

only my pony will listen to what I’m feeling

I’m moving in with mom daddy

will you notice when I’m gone?

I’ve given away all my toys daddy

you took them to Goodwill

I think I can’t be a child anymore

who will be the adult?

So I see you sold my pony daddy

I never said goodbye

to you or to him

I didn’t know I needed to daddy

why didn’t you tell me

you would leave with him

leaving me with the illusion that your were ever there

only to know you were not one day

I heard you got married daddy

why didn’t you invite me to the wedding

am I so insignificant a player?

12 year olds have feelings too

I see she has 2 children

both younger than I

perhaps you are starting over

and I am no longer your daughter

was I ever your daughter?

We are moving far away daddy

1800 miles

will you notice that I’m missing?

I tell everyone here about you daddy

how wonderful you are

I almost convinced myself

with those lies

I had a baby daddy

she died right before she was born

you never knew I was pregnant

until you found out what I mourned

would you have dropped everything

and come daddyIf you had known about her at all

no, I understand, your busy

if she had lived you would have

not known her at all

like me

I hope your step children

give you great joy daddy

they are truly the only kids you have

not because of death or great tragedy daddy

only because you didn’t choose to have us

no one kept you away daddy

no angry words were spoken

you were just absent

i’m glad you have them daddy

because you don’t have me

Now I’m 36 daddy

is that a surprise to you?

i’ve told you how I felt in a letter daddy

I think you even heard

but actions are unchanging

and my energy is drained

I’ve found forgiveness daddy

for all the missing years

I’ve come to understand

your oblivious nature and fears

I cannot continue daddy

to propagate this farce

of a father daughter relationship

I truly love you daddy

spent my life trying to prove my worth

now I am through

I am going through a rebirth

I’m cutting you out of my life daddy

in an official declaration

not born in anger

but given to self as a gift

I will never again wonder

if you will call or remember

what you will think of something I do, think, say, or express.

what you will say about my spiritual path

my choices

my life

I’m saying goodbye daddy

I’m giving away with grace

all the pain

the fear

the regret

the unworthiness

I don’t mean to hurt you daddy

as the years have brought you to feel guilt

of the lack of relationship you have

with myself

with my siblings

I’m declaring only my freedom

from bonds of pain we share

It is my right to live in joyousness

to do so I shall let you go

as if I ever had you to begin with

I had grasping and insecurity

these I’ve carried through my life… my relationships

I am simply ceasing to grasp

I hope the rest of your life daddy

is filled with healing

and moments of grace

so you will not have to repeat this pattern again

in another incarnation

another daughter

alone without you to count on.

I wish I could count on you daddy

so I had not called others into my life

to reflect you to my unhealed heart

and waste so many precious years

with pain and anger and bitterness

now those days are over

Goodbye daddy

I’ll be buying a pony now

a confidant in fur

who will let loose the healed 10 year old inside

I could always count on him to be there daddy

maybe you need a pony too

Engtovo ~ July 22, 1999

A Hero

silently weeping

tears of lonely placess

hattered illusions

painful in their gift

endlessly questioning

meanings and truths

trying to answerwhat lies inside

swelling.. pounding

driving down like hard rain

the pain pulls me endlesslyinto a swirl of seething emptiness

barren and familiar

it feels ugly and unlovable

circling – thinking – shifting

and remaining

in a cycle of recurring situations of despair

what will come of this life

of self hatred

what will be born of the ashes of my soul

what will remind me

that someplace

I am something other than

a sea of pain

whose tide moves my heart

from one remembrance to another

back and forth

with no obvious place to break free

drowning me in sorrow

immersing me in icy emotions of longing

I await a hero

a savior

a rope to uplift me

I hope

and remain filled with hopelessness

and lack of faith

paralyzed by the icy water

I fall prey to hypothermia

no longer truly living

pulling my energy into the core of my being

in an attempt at mere survival

swimming seems to be an impossible task

who will rescue me

only me

I have refused to receive my hero

myself

and uplift me to freedom

from that which I have refused to let go of

how absurd

my pain breeds more pain

until I am choosing painfulness

unconsciously

and assuming the role of victim

how convenient

if I am a victim

I am free of responsibility

and my pain can be placed squarely on the shoulders

of anyone available

to be seen as the victimizer

Such and ugly cycle

that with awareness

I must degrade myself

for participating in it

and place guilt upon me

and start the cycle all over again

Engtovo ~ March 16 1999

Reflection

Trembling and terror have left the orbit of my sacred sphere

and have journeyed to the light of transformation

They come home to me in abundant love

as they awaken the forgotten embers in my soul

Once awakened

the embers flare and light a fire

almost distant in it’s memory

The flames reach out within me

touching places left in darkness for so long

The illumination surprises me

with information thought to be known

but found to be illusion

This new clarity is overwhelmed by emotions

ignored through years of turmoil and change

How could this be hidden in it’s absolute obviousness?

Every cell has tortured me with these emotions… yet

I have found myself caught off guard

by the truth of their nature

and the depth of their intensity

The resistance within me has now been defined

and the definition previously thought to be fear

has been denounced in it’s simplicity

and the simplicity of it’s true nature has taken it’s place

The absurdity of it’s simplicity sends my mind reeling into the sea of perception

How often this simplicity was offered unto me by the divine help that surrounds me

and I have looked into it’s eyes

and looked into my own

and found no match

Hidden from my gaze…I find it

So completely does it envelop me

that it’s existence escapes my ability to discern it

It is me… and I am engulfed in the new knowledge of self

How do I allow myself the luxury of such depth to my illusion

while I sabotage the very nature of my divinity

I grasp intellectually the teaching offered

and apply it diligently for years

not knowing what I am applying at all.

I awaken one day to be greeted in the mirror by a reflection unrecognized

that has been me all along

and then I must choose if this reflection is who I still wish to remain

and decipher how it came to be me to begin with

So simple it could have been to have the one reflection… one truth from the start

Or would it?

Perhaps the time it took to see the reflection and choose to transform it

would be the same as the time it would take to integrate it’s meaning

if seen from the start

Perhaps it is even a gift

this illusion

would I have condemned and judged myself for this reflection

and dragged out the process of change

Would I have denied it

and pushed it to a place harder to reach

All that is known

is what is

as it has happened

In this new dawning I find reason to rejoice

in celebration of divine truth

I find myself empowered with the knowing

that I am free from myself

and prepared to transform this old reflection

to a new version without regret or resistance

It is a moment of moving forward

to places yet uncharted

by the ever charting mind

Divinity embraces me from the depths of my being

and offers me the love of the creator within

and the forgiveness for the reflection

as well as the ignorance of it’s existence

In this love

I am blessed in wholeness

and the wholeness radiates out to encompass all who come near me

with love and forgiveness

for their reflections

known and forgotten

Engtovo ~ April 6 1997