The Heart Yearns & The Mind Follows

Candle burns quickly

Betraying the shifting of time

It is done but unseen in this moment

It is bigger than expected

So big I feel pulled to it

When it was to be pulled to me

I give up pieces of myself willingly

They are no longer needed

But the discomfort of them leaving

Envelops this moment

It’s a journey planned but unknown

Its outline rough

The details shifting with each passing day

Mind desires to pin it down

Spirit knows better than to try

I reach my hand out to touch it

It is fuzzy and soft

Warm and comforting

But the other side is shielded

It is that side that will have to be tolerated

It is not the whole

Not even half

But it comes with the deal

It is the small print

The unspoken

It won’t last long

But each moment of it filled with demands

It cannot be avoided

It cannot be embraced

It is just what is

Human nature will make its so

I walk alone into this undefined plan

Knowing others will join me there

But I can’t help but hesitate

Wonder

Dream

Of a circle of hands

Walking in together

It’s foolish thinking

Wanting something that is asking too much

But the heart yearns

And the mind follows

 

Engtovo ~ August 31, 2008

My Fear

Shiver hits

Races up the spine

Familiar energy

A gift of acknowledgment

Though it is felt

Mood remains unchanged

Melancholy

Searching

Questioning everything

Tears well and recede

There is no subject matter

Just release

Attempted understanding

Neither head nor heart

Offer up information

There is a void

A heaviness

A slow aching pull

To unknown places

Something is being birthed

It labors in my chest

It’s insatiable

Uncomfortable

Confined

Cut the strings

Set it forth

Something good must come of this

A final push of emotion

I feel it

It is uncertain

Wild

Uncontrollable

What am I supposed to do with this

Run toward it

Run away

Be still

I fear no good can come of this

My fear

I know it better than I know myself

It wrote my history

How much longer must it write the future

 

Engtovo ~ August 31, 2008

Peace Is Still Not Found

Needy

Grasping

Pushing pulling

Confusion of familiarity

Aching

Turning

Sending receiving

Puzzle pieces missing

Heart calls out

No answers looming

Clock keeps ticking

Why can’t it be clear

Control fading

Something looming

Feelings unprepared

Fire burning

Sweet light nearing

Meaning can’t be found

Turmoil inside

Insanity outside

Peace is still not found

 

Engtovo ~ August 30, 2008

It Is Good

Temptation past

To do for

No longer a question

Each will contribute

Equally from the divine

No burdens

Do we carry

There is only joy

Re-seeding all that is good

Rebuilding

Requires no sacrifice

Hearts joining

Unison of vision

Beauty

There is peace

In the sounds blending

Sweetness and innocence

Offered to all

Trust is complete

Above and below

Individuality

Without separation

The saboteurs gone

Each one is giddy

Thrilled

Hands filled with rainbows

Colored rays

Blending out to infinity

This view has never been seen

It was chosen

Envisioned

Created

And it is good

 

Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ June 14, 2008

The Choice

Done

Let go

Transmute

Heart is heavy

But easing

Sacrifice done

Freedom reigns now

The worth complex

The outcome decided

There is relief

We choose joy

We choose easy

There is little understanding

Big picture obscured

For others

But not for us

The choice feels right

Nothing left to do

Those who work

Are guided

They are already journeying

The others are too late

It’s ok

They can be too late

They will come again

Transformation

It will be done

Then they will understand

The choice is for joy

A life which they know not

Yet…

Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ June 14, 2008

Hey You

Hey you

Can you see me

Hear me

You act as if you can

I question

Your view of me so certain

Your reality

Five sense based

There is far more

You will never see

Scratch at a surface

Cannot show truth

Assumptions lie to all

There is a whole greater world

It speaks

You don’t listen

It reveals

Only to a heart willing

Where am I

This body

This year

This time

Can you be sure

If you allowed me

To introduce myself

You’d know

But alas it is too hard

Your filters of self

Crusted hard

Never changed

Can’t allow any more in

Engtovo ~ March 2, 2008

Light Fades, Light Dawns

Light fades

Hue changes from orange

To red

To pink

There is intensity

But it’s uneventful

It does not match my feeling

My thought

These things are in limbo

Suspended by something new

It floats in with gentle waves

They strike me

I see it all

For a fleeting moment

Then it passes once again

Between waves

There is emptiness

It is not sad

But unfinished

Incomplete

I wait

Knowing it will come together

Some future moment

Will offer expansion

Thought and feeling will merge

And understand

Now I wander

Lost in myself

My heart open

It struggles to take in all that this is

It is heavy without burden

It is tight without restriction

I seek to embrace it

But it is still too big

The hues within me will change

Transform to encompass all

Clear will be this new day that comes

It will be eventful

But lack intensity

Light dawns

 

Engtovo ~ October 31, 2007

Waking

Imprint of longing

Lingers upon waking

Gentle energies ease me as I lay

Comfortable and warm

I seek to remain

Bundled from the life of the day

Time so swift

I am swept up in her current

The clock changes

But I am in a place separate

Minutes are hours

Here consciousness wanders

There is no destination

No path

Random shifting of sands

This is the float of my thought

Heart touches out to eternity

Then loops back to me

For a moment I awaken

Then fade

It is sweet and embracing

Alas body breaks the feeling

Makes demands of this world

And I succumb

Engtovo ~ October 3, 2007

Forget Or Remember

What pleases you

To forget or to remember

There is distance

It is unfamiliar

And absence of presence

Unexplained

Perhaps there is animosity

Unspoken untouched

It speaks with silence

But has no power here

Each will do as they will

There is no deviation

There are only blessings chosen

All is well

Some things are understood

Language is energetic

Hold back into the cave

But spring will not wait

There can be no standing still

This is not wrong

Yet it feels not right

Difficulties challenge

We meet these this day

Or we do not

The world continues either way

I will leave it alone

For you to forget or remember

 

Engtovo ~ September 13, 2007

There Is None Here

Temptations they are not

They wish themselves to be

There is no interest

Barely lay notice of such

Two worlds collide here

One takes only part of the other

What you offer is left behind

It is irrelevant

If only you knew this

We would laugh

It offers no comparison

The other is far too great

Do you see it

No I understand you do not

How unfortunate

It is yours as much as mine

Would you seek it if you believed

I wonder

There was a time of no seeking

None was needed

It was here always

Available

Freely expressed

I remember

At times I grieved its passing

Then I grabbed hold

Refused to let it go

From that point

It was never lost to me

I’ve had to watch as you struggled

You lost it

You did not even look back

Now you seek pity

There is none here

Engtovo ~ September 13, 2007

Hurt

Contemplate alternatives

See a new way

It is ready to birth

Does anyone care

It seems not

It seems that they only see lies

Why is the truth so frightening

It seems comforting to me

Lies are what cause pain

Destruction is birthed in lies

Hurt cannot be run from

It follows like a loyal dog

It nags

It grows

It demands and then controls

Decisions get made in that turmoil

It is unacknowledged

Yet it is the deciding force

It motivates bad choices

It clouds judgment

And causes more hurt

It multiplies and moves out

It hurts one then two

Then four then eight

Exponentially it moves

The first one denies any responsibility

Blames everyone else

And it goes on

Passed like a pandemic

There must be immunity

Somewhere the secret lies

I seek it out

Ask the Creator for a map

For this hurt

It is not the divine plan

There is another way

If only it is chosen

Let go of those who are carriers

Open your eyes to the simplicity

There is gentleness here

It embraces us all

Feel it

Allow it to ease the hurt away

Sequester yourself when contagious

Refuse to pass it on

Take responsibility

Not with guilt or fear

But simply with acknowledgement

Seek out your motives

Contemplate alternatives

Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ August 23, 2007

Fear How Do I Hate Thee

Fear

How do I hate thee

My thoughts become yours

Instead of my own

My emotions deceive me

You attack my intuition

Make me want to crawl into a cave

Same circumstance

It has always worked out somehow

And yet here I am with you again

Experience has proven you wrong

In fact always wrong

What power do you hold

Why are you like a God

The God that betrays

And yet the people follow

You are nothing

You have only what I am willing to give

I give you nothing

This day it is done

I take my mind

My emotion and intuition

You have no permission to be here

I break free

My heart opens to truth

There is no obstacle too great

There is no mortal problem to big

They are all the same

If I can solve any I can solve all

Fear

How do I hate thee

You are not worthy of my hate

We are done

Engtovo ~ April 18, 2007

Always Broken

I’m alone
So alone
No one to hold to touch
My heart aches
And nothing changes
I am isolated here
These two bodies that share this house
Are empty
We exist in the same space
But nothing moves between us
Will it always be this way
I don’t see a way out
I’m afraid I will die like this
I have no one
Nothing
I reach out to spirit
They are always with me
But they cannot hug me
Hold my hand
Look into my eyes
I’ve tried to shut down
So the pain would stop
But it doesn’t work
I can’t stop feeling and feeling
Longing
Fearing
Please make it stop
Give meaning to my life
What is the point in my being here
No one’s life would be different without me
Mom would cry and be a victim
For a week or two
She would then do what she does
Sit in front of the TV
Saying she is going to go through my stuff tomorrow
Randy would simply have an excuse to wallow
He wallows now with no excuse
Lee would be affected
But he has lived without me before
So tell me God why do I remain
To fight the illuminati
And if so then why do you not support me
Why do I struggle and toil
If your work is my only reason for life
No husband
No children
Only pain and loneliness
I cannot do it anymore
You know I would never take my life
It is not how I am made up
So is it my suffering you want
This world would survive without me
My passing would go almost unnoticed
Maybe 10 people would care at all
They would say it’s a shame
And go on as we all do at a passing
A life insignificant
Nothing to pass on
No one to pass it on to
If I could be like others
I could just hide from these facts in a bottle
Pretend my life has meaning
But I am not
And I see the spec that I am
My life does not align with my truths
I am just another hypocrite in a sea of dreamers
Always wanting
Never finding a way to do
Never believing in my ability to do
Just alone with my dreams
Why can’t I have love
Be loved
Give love
What the hell is wrong with me
I’m broken
I keep trying to fix me
To no avail
Still broken
Always broken

Engtovo ~ June 8, 2006

Always Alone

I feel small
Insignificant
Lost in a abyss of billions
Does anybody really live their life
Most are lost in drugs and alcohol
Economic slavery
What is it to live
Truly live
I feel stuck
Like a wheel that is not turning
I should be
It exerts effort to turn
But the wheel remains
When it should be effortless
Automatic
I feel a shift
Then it fades
Another comes
And it fades
But everything remains the same
Making all the shifts
Appear to not matter
Even though I know
I am not the same
Does it matter
That I am not the same
If my life is the same
Moods fade in and out
Hope and hopelessness
Are all that turns here
Things I long wanted to let go of
Cycle of victimization
I step up and take my power
Over and over
But it is never quite enough
How much power is required
What stops me from wielding it
I ‘m so tired
Sleep my only refuge
Sometimes sweet
Sometimes fitful
Not refuge at all
I acquiesce it does nothing
I fight it does nothing
I accept acknowledge allow
It does nothing
Action must be required
But no action speaks to me
No doors open
It is purgatory
Waiting watching hoping
Life passes hope fades
As it must be for any victim
I want to scream
“I give up”
But was I ever here
What am I giving up
Please take me into your arms God
Everything else is a lie
My heart can’t withstand the lies
They are heavy
Sad
Pathetic
I can’t hide from them
With drugs and alcohol like the rest do
I am floundering
Drowning
What is here for me
Please show me
Because all I can see is unreachable
Never comes
Just a dream
A hope to be dashed
By the cruelty of time
And my heart aches
Alone
Always alone

Engtovo ~ November 19, 2005

New Home

Moving
Scrambling
Excitement
A little apprehension
Freedom
Home
Expression of self in space
In time
Peaceful sacred space
Everything in order
In its place
Arranged to my liking
Good habits form here
For body
For mind
For spirit
There is creativity flowing
The canvas was blank
Now it takes form with beauty
To me
For me
I bloom planted here
Environment rich with love
Vibration is high
View is inspiring
Heart is expanding
Breathing
I embrace it all
My creation
Outward expression of my faith
My truth
God’s law

Engtovo ~ October 28, 2005

Useable Energy

Useable energy is here for me today
As the grid of me is aligned with divine blueprint
The thunder crashes around me
The breath of the air is revived
Droplets reach the earth
The plants receive
I receive
Manuel the bear receives
The drops quicken
Forming puddles and streams
To move the emotional force of water where it is needed
The emotions move inside of me
My quickening mirrors the storm
The sun touches through
Its rays of light glistening on the falling droplets
Just as the rays of light inside me glisten upon the moving emotions in my heart
Loud crashes of thunder removing blockages
And old ways long stuck
The downpour increases
Washing away that which is no longer appropriate
Nurturing that which is good and right
Somewhere about me I sense a rainbow
It is out of my line of view
But I feel it there none the less
The droplets dwindle and blue sky is in view
Even as the crashing thunder rumbles across this mountain top
The space has become overwhelmed with a peaceful silence
A completion
The useable energy remains
Awareness is heightened
As each lingering drop from the roof echoes through my space
I breathe in this useable energy and make it my own
As do each plant and animal nearby
It is a gift from the nature spirits to us all
A short but sweet shaman’s death
Born anew in each moment we carry on
Taking this energy out into everything we experience

Engtovo ~ August 10, 2005

Snows

The snows fall

My fingers chill

I have no interest in this season

Another winter comes upon me

I question why I remain in this place

It is not in harmony with me

Or I am not in harmony with it

The snow falling can be beautiful

I see this

Recognize it

And yet wish to remain apart from it

I wish to live where the snows never come

Where my fingers never chill

How did I come to these places

Where the snows fall

And fall

And fall

They gather together

They feel like prison walls to me

I do not wish to go out in their coldness

I seek moderation

I do not want the searing heat of the desert

The dry parched air that steals my life force

There is a place that has moist air and moderate temperature

Why am I not there yet

My green hillsides call out to me

The raindrops dewy on the grass

I no longer wish to adapt and resist

I want only to be where it is right for me

Let those who love this cold and white live here in joy

Heart take me home now

Engtovo ~ November 20, 2004

Toxic Food Addiction

Toxic holiday food

How can it be a celebration

Giving thanks

By poisoning my body

Keeping myself sick after nearly 20 years of suffering

Is that what I am to be thankful for

Is that the legacy of this family

It is just sickness of the spirit

Sickness of the emotions

There is no prayer at these gatherings

No true gratefulness

No actual celebration

Just gluttony of poison foods

And it then flows right into the supposed celebration of the Christ

Again with the same poison meal

Destroying my Christ temple

This will be the last

Never again will I participate

Celebrations must be that, a celebration

Not a food fest

There should be prayer

Song

Joy and laughter

None of those exist in this ritual

If it means I never spend another holiday with this family of birth

So be it

I must be true to myself

Take care of myself

My body temple

I know what my body needs

And what It does not want

This holiday toxic meal is only a symptom

Of a larger daily ritual

I have no support here for my wellbeing

I choose to support myself

Even if that means cutting out of my life

People who will not support my wholeness

Almost 20 years is almost 20 years too long

For what

For a sick ritual

That somehow is the tie that binds this family

An addiction that will not be addressed by any other than me

They support only my weakness in this addiction

So that in my weakness I do not ask them to look at their own

It is the worst kind of co-dependence

I take myself out of the mix

And call to my life people who can support me making healthy choices for me

There will be no more toxic holiday food

There will be no more toxic daily food

I will not eat out of addiction at all

But only to support my precious life

With love taking in

Only that which does not poison me

They will do what they will in their own space

I am far away now

If they come to visit me

They will eat healthy while they are in my home

Or they will stay in their own

They will not be allowed to attempt to come to me and drag me back into that gutter

That is my chosen boundary

Any who attempt such will not be welcome in my sacred space

Period

This is done now Creator

I know you support me in this

Engtovo ~ November 10, 2004

I Am Not You

Fear fear fear fear

What do I have to do to get rid of you

I am tired

I don’t want you in my body

I hate this feeling

You hijack my body and mind

How dare you

Get out

You are not welcome to hold my power

You are nothing but lies about me

About my past

My present

My future

I am not you

You do not even resemble me

You are pathetic

And small

That is not me

Engtovo ~ October 22, 2004

Details

Details

Picky little details

They can take over your mind

Your energy

Even if they are not in your control

Thought will not leave them alone

It will release stress hormones into your body

Create illness in your body

All over things that do not matter

Are insignificant

Mind does this to distract us from things that matter

That it fears

Steals our focus away from love and compassion

Peace and unity

Teaches us to pick apart the details of others

Tear them into little pieces that we can condemn

And discard

There is no detail too insignificant

For us to obsess on

In ourselves

And in others

In the location

The décor

It is a sad state of affairs

What would the world be like if it were the opposite I wonder

If it was the big picture

That took over our minds

Alas we would still be out of balance

But how would it differ

From the lack of balance we have now

In curiosity I ponder

But truly it matters not

It is balance I seek

I wish to let go of the details that matter not

Let go of the aspects of the big picture that matter not

And be in a state of balance inside myself

The world will still be out of balance

I can only balance myself

Perhaps others will attempt to pick that apart in me

To discover what it is that makes me different than themselves

In their quest for details

But if they do most will condemn and discard

In lack of understanding

And the world will obsess on details

Until the day the universe takes most of the details away

Engtovo ~ August 12, 2004

Storm Brewing

Far and away

There is a storm brewing

It gathers strength and intensity

To fulfill its purpose

It is seen as a tragedy

Something to fear

It is neither of these things

It is a bringer of life force

An act of balance

The seas and the lands converge

In the aftermath

Birth is everywhere

Ignorant people

See only destruction

They live out of harmony

With the ways of nature

This leaves them blind

Another storm will brew

It is the way of things

And it is good


Engtovo ~ August 12, 2004

My Celebration

I have known a long time it would be this way

Why have I had such a hard time letting it sink in

Perhaps it is denial that the time is truly here

A last ditch effort to remain

I cannot remain

I most ways I am already gone

Only my body resides here

I know this should be celebrated

But it is only I here who can see that

I celebrate alone

But only from the perspective of those who know not

In truth I celebrate with many

These ones revel in my success

Free from fear or envy

I long for the day that my heart no longer wishes to carry them

Where my true wisdom has replaced those childish notions

It has been one way that I in fact imprison myself

Wanting to do for them

Feeling always tied

My expression never fulfilled because of a wish to make things ok for them

Now I look only forward

The many who celebrate assist me in this focus

I will revel in my freedom

Without guilt

Knowing I have no obligation

And if I did it would be futile

It is the proverbial cliché

You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink

I have long since led them to spirit

To knowledge of God

I cannot make them believe

I cannot make them go within

They are blind and I cannot make them see

It cannot be served up on a silver platter

So I let it all go

I take the hand of those who know

And choose joy in expressing with them

I will not look back with regret

I gave them more than they in fact asked for

That was my weakness

When I thought it was my strength

And what I thought was weakness

Leaving it behind

Walking away

Taking care only of me

Is in fact the strength that I have just found true understanding of

I will not take their reactions personally

But simply offer prayers of love and understanding

While I continue in my celebration of life

Engtovo ~ July 21, 2004

Notes

Notes jingle in my brain

They have not come together

To make song

But they want to

Come forth notes

Makes yourself into the perfect expression

Of mathematics

Sacred geometry

Music that heals

Sooths the soul

Take rhythm

Take form

Let words join with you

Let emotions be expressed with you

Allow the synergy of life to be

Blended into your pattern

Stop jingling in my mind

Put yourself to instruments

Place your pattern on tongue

See the beauty

The pain

The ordinary

The extraordinary

Move from my core

Touch the core of others

That is your purpose

To touch

To express

You are movement

Move out of my brain notes

Move into the physical world

To be the bridge between physical

And non physical

That is who you are

Engtovo ~ January 24, 2004

Dominoes

Timing is intricately laced into a web of perfection

Rarely do we get to see a sequence unfold in a conscious way

Obvious in its perfection

But now it begins

Upon my awakening this 19th of January

Unfoldment commences

I shall watch with joy

The dominoes

Click click click

They will affect me directly and indirectly

As well as people I know and thousands I do not

Click click click

It glitters and shines

From the divine love of its weaving

No mistakes

No delays

No misunderstanding

Perfect order observed and experienced with gratitude

Click click click

Engtovo ~ January 18, 2004

Death Of Victimization

Confusion attempted to take over my consciousness

It was successful for a day

One measly day is all it can now manage

It did it well for a day

It used full drama

Hopelessness

Loneliness

And fear

It did not miss an opportunity for negative thought this day

Many tears came

Heart weeping in heavy sighs

Exhausted

Heavy

Weary

Fearful

Hopeless

The clearing profound despite its unpleasantness

But after this dismal day

The sun has broken out and new clarity takes over

And confusion was unsuccessful in taking me off my path

Back into victimization

It was used to serve my healing

Surface those things not yet fully acknowledged

I remember when my mind could sustain that confusion fear and doubt

For weeks at a time

How did I live through such a thing

When now a single day had me ready to meet my maker

So humorous it is now

A few days later

I almost believed my whining and whimpering self pity

Unfortunately for the internal saboteur

I know better

It all came from that place that does not wish to give up victimization

But it’s too late

I have claimed my power

Victimization is dying

And on that dismal day

It was grasping for breath

Desperately trying to stay alive

But all it was given

Was a chance to say fair thee well


Engtovo ~ January 18, 2004

Ocean Spirit

Waves rolling in

Tide gently rising

This is my natural environment

I am water

I am flowing

Ebbing

Each movement of the water speaks to my heart

Offers me a connection to all that is

It is a rhythm

A timing that is akin to me

When I am away too long

I feel out of rhythm

I lose track of my emotion

In time loose the emotional nature of my being

Taking me out of harmony

I must return

I must feel each wave reach up and caress my toes

Take me into the love and rhythm of life

Allow me to move through the days of gentle washing

To the days of intensity and crashing power upon the shore

They both are given equal importance here

Both respected and valued

Take me to the sands Great Spirit

Give my soul rest in my true environment

Allow the water to recharge me

Refresh me

Heal me

Remember how the drop of water that is me is part of the great whole

Let me ride the crest of the wave as it comes home

Let me sit beside my turtle relatives

And speak to the dolphins and whales

You know me Great Spirit

I am a creature of the mighty water

Left away too long I will wither and die

Take me home to the ocean

I am parched

It has been a long time

The mountains of this magnificent place have inspired me

They have helped me reach for the sky

Now return me to the depth of my heart

To the blood of the earth

To the power of my true nature

Engtovo ~ October 16, 2003

Acclimate

Acclimate

Adjust

I have but will no longer

This place is toxic

Why would I choose to acclimate to this

I know another way

That is what the rest of the world should acclimate to

God’s way

Let them adjust

Let them change the world we live in

Make this world God’s world in truth

I am disgusted

Tired

I want the real life back

The one I left to understand this one

To be of service

I do not understand this one

I never will

I have experienced it only

The more time I spend here

The less I understand

To experience the other way

Would it change them

How long would be enough

For change to occur

For the desire to become an inner fire

Unstoppable

Would they return and forget

Acclimate back into the toxic life

What will it take

I have no answers

I have only prayers

My desire is to return home

My prayer is to return home

My heart is too close to home

To acclimate here ever again

Engtovo ~ September 21, 2003

Boundaries

Anger entwined with sadness

Betrayal of the intention of the divine

Those who come to offer themselves but will not stand up for themselves

Make the offering void

There is difference between boundary and limitation

Boundaries we set allow us to live free

Allow us to respect ourselves

Limitations are those that are set to control others

Boundaries are born in right action right thought

What is in the best and highest good of all

We cannot grow as humans without boundaries

No more than a child can become an adult alone

Without boundaries we can be only victims

And or victimizers

Things such as murder and rape become ok

In the world without boundaries

Respect comes from acknowledging your own boundaries

And the boundaries of others

A world without respect

Is a world filled with pain

It is the world which we have created here

A world where people take what belongs to another

Covet their connection to the divine

Kill all the inhabitants of an area to steal the land and resources

Enslave people and con them into thinking they are free

I will stand in my boundaries

I will stand thus in my freedom

I will not cower before the ignorance of others

They speak of respect but it is only words

They live the truth of

See no evil

Hear no evil

Speak no evil

They do not accept their responsibility in creating evil

By refusing to set or acknowledge boundaries

There is only a moment that is this life

I will not waste its precious energies

I allow into my space only those who know boundaries

Those who can acknowledge and honor my boundaries

Those who are clear on their own boundaries

So that I can honor theirs

In this mutual respect and honoring of basics truths

Of right and wrong

Harmony can be found

Engtovo ~ September 21, 2003

Law of Integrity

Prompt me god to continue

I question how much more my heart can take

Why is this world so difficult to stand in

Things so simple

So true to all religious or spiritual beliefs

Seem to be constant struggles for those people who I meet

What part of “stealing is wrong”

Is so hard to understand

I can understand the concept of people questioning what is stealing

When the line is grey

When the ownership is uncertain

But that is not at issue here father

The line is clearly defined

Something taken without regard

Without regret

No remorse

No understanding at all that something was done that is wrong

Not just by the doer of the deed

But also by the maker of ceremonies

The spiritual leader of many

I cannot understand this

Where is the confusion with these three people

How and when will they learn this most basic law

Law of the universe

Law of humanity

Law of integrity

How many other laws of yours that are simple enough for the youngest of child

Do they not understand or consciously break

My heart grieves

I cannot make ceremony with someone who steals from me

Or makes stealing from me ok for another

The fact that what was stolen was sacred

A gift from you to me

That I wanted to share with my son

Adds insult to injury

The theft happened in the midst of sacred ceremony

And the sacred item taken into the ceremony as an adornment

A marriage ceremony something I also hold most sacred

Based in your teachings to me

Made dirty with the theft of the wife & her teacher

And the ignorance of the husband

What will become of such a marriage father

I gifted this marriage my sacred marriage cloth as well

Will I watch as a commitment made in lies

Crumbles in its own creation

How many people will be hurt by this breaking of basic laws

How long will we continue forth in a world where this is seen as so small a transgression

That it is not to be noticed

Seen as insignificant

I know that we are all not perfect

That we all have faltered in the law of integrity

But these three don’t seem to care

They cannot even acknowledge that something wrong has taken place

How deeply is the corruption ingrained in the consciousness of humans

Where are there hearts that I can connect with my own

Ones who can say simply I faltered I’m sorry

To wake up the next day conscious of this faltering

And striving to do better

This is honesty

Living in truth

Does it exist here

I turn to you God

I ask you to make your laws alive in me

In spirit

In thought

In deed

These three people show me what I do not want to be

Take me down your road God

Teach me what I do not yet know of your laws

Lift my heavy heart

Fill every place within me that is unfulfilled

So that I may walk your laws on this earth

And become the law of integrity

Engtovo ~ September 21, 2003

Simplify

Simplify

Somehow what mind wants to see as complications for my life

My spirit knows is simplifying my life

This seems so incongruous

Houses, properties, accounts

More things to care take

Will serve as tools of simplification

And yet the peaceful sensation of this life I manifest

Does indeed feel simple

Perhaps the simplicity comes from putting this life into a form

that allows me to be free within it

Creating a pure structure that I can move within

That no longer requires me to create continuously new structures

I am anxious to experiment with this new structure of simplicity

to feel each softly contoured edge

Time no longer spent on thought of organization

Frees my mind and expression to be in the joy of simply pleasures

A moment with another being

An outpouring of creativity

Raising my voice in song

Putting my pencil to paper

Life in the moment with no need to serve the future with thoughts and knowing

My structure is beyond time and space

Ah simplicity

I am simplifying

Through adding instead of subtracting

Even with understanding the concept feels odd

And yet clear and defined

Another shadow turned to serve the light

Glorious it is

I allow it to be so

Engtovo ~ August 16, 1003