Tears of Unseen Emotion

What will be is not within my domain
There are two that set the course of this movement
Reaching out and responding
Healing and seeking meaning
The hurts have not become us
The sense if impending doom is not certain
Vulnerability speaks out tangibility
Things are on the table
It is required
It pulsates out in waves of prayer
Things in silence bring death
My heart cries out languishing of direction
There are no dots to connect
Only space where confusion reigns
Will there be rebirth here in this act of truth
Sadness may instead be labored
The unknown beats down upon me with its weight
Fears submerge me intermittently
That darkness wants to sink me to the bottom
There is understanding beyond
A course must be taken
The winds blow though switching directions
They cannot be ascertained
My heart is at their mercy
I must submit
Something I do with great trepidation
I bow to the power that knows the mystery
Ask of myself trust in this process
Questioning all that I think I know inevitable
The answers are bound to implode
Perceived as good or bad
Beginning or ending embraced with intensity
Followed by tears of unseen emotion

Tatiacha ~ February 11, 2011

This Love

Stirrings and angst
Doubts based in fear
Terrorize my thoughts
Heart in chaos
Turing the up side down
Right side up
Old and new meshed together
Tangles of filaments
Knowing
Question
Knowing
Demanding to be heard
Resistance
Demanding to be ignored
This heart runs wild
It has no counter
A complete rebellion of reason
No reasons can be found
That it cares to hear
Or will acknowledge or consider reasonable
It does as it pleases
Asks no permission
Waits for nothing
Accepts no limitation
Unfettered it demands what it wants
Any sense of control an illusion
I am at its mercy
Surrender it screams
With no fear of outcome
The more resistance
The louder the screams
It crushes me
With physical discomfort
Tangible responses
That even the body will not tolerate
Crying out for breath
For release
For free expression
This love won’t be held down
Held back
Contained or ignored

Tatiacha Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ 12-16-10

Your Smile

Your face unknown to me in the physical
And yet I know your smile so completely
I can feel it from a thousand miles
And it lightens up my heart
Your laugh has yet to be given sound unto my ears
And yet when you laugh
I laugh and smile
As if your laugh has the ability to move my body
It is the strangest sensation
It is so with a few others as well
There is no way to explain this
No one who would believe this experience
They would call me crazy
But if I am crazy
Then we all should be
If every person could feel the presence of another
As I do you and others
They would never relate to the world the same
I feel you when I fall asleep
And when I awaken
And at many points in between
You are a rock that does not falter for me
There are not words for all that conveys between us
I often wonder how I will feel when I see your face
For the first time
See that smile
Hear that laugh
I fear I will see you from across a large distance
And not be able to stop myself from racing into your arms
With all around us seeing us as complete strangers
You’ll know me that day
But will you admit it aloud
In front of others who know little to nothing of your inner life
It matters not
Because whether we both embrace the truth in fullness in an instant
Or create together an illusion
Of getting to know each other slowly
Seeing you will fill my heart with joy

Engtovo ~ September 12, 2005

The Life We Share Is Blessed

The change is here and it is final
Prophecies have come to close by this change
Roles foreseen are no longer
All are free to progress as the heart leads
It is good
Even though it may look chaotic
Those whose hearts are filled with hate
No longer have a script to follow
They never understood that the original script
Ended with love not hate
But now they flounder with no script at all
Love has come forth early as it were
Many will still suffer
As humans detest change
There is no way to avoid this
No way to fix it
We must look to the good and in openness do what we can
Without disempowering any
For the truth is yet to come forth or be understood
In a significant way
We must turn away the truth of our life for no one
It is their truth as well if they choose to see it
If they choose to ignore it
That is unfortunate
But it is not up to us to convince them
Or show them
It is their true nature
They have lost track of it in this world
It has never left them
They do not have to earn it
It is they who have left that knowing
Creator holds it out to them as he has unto us
I welcome this change
I welcome the freedom from the script
This change allows love to manifest quickly
Should this choice be made
It allows those who had things laid out in precise timing
To step forth into their true life now
My life lies before me
And I claim it
It is in this moment and each moment forward
It is a good life
And I give it away for no one, no thing
It is sacred as it was given to me sacred
It was meant to be joyous and so it is
The hurt and suffering chosen by others is
Not reason to disregard this sacred trust
Compassion goes out to them
The hand of the divine reaches out to them to tell them
Your suffering is not as you were intended to live
They can trust that and move with the love in their hearts
They can reject that and continue to suffer
There is no answer that is right or wrong
As there is no judgment to this condition
We are free to choose
And I have chosen
Many have, and the life we share is blessed

Engtovo ~ September 12, 2005

Love Radiates

Love radiates out from me

It hits fear and resistance in my surroundings

It contracts back on me and causes me pain

I must change my surroundings

This cannot continue

For divine love cannot be stopped

I cannot end the radiations that pour forth

Nor do I want to

Those who place up shields

They live a life void of all forms of love

It is a sad and empty life

They refuse to look at their emptiness

Or seek an opening for God to fill those spaces

They do not even realize that they desire the same emptiness for me

My participation is impossible

There is no end to what has been started within me

It lives in perpetual motion

Governed by universal law

Love radiates out from me

It seeks out its true reflection in the world

The fear and resistance in my surroundings cannot stop it all

It still leaks forth into the world

And calls back to me with people and places that are in harmony with it

I answer those calls

I move my surroundings

Take myself to the places and people

Who feel the radiation and are joyous in it

The deer people support me in this journey

This transition to new surroundings

The bucks come to greet me and I say thank you

And pause in a moment of gratitude

The grouse come to greet me and acknowledge the love radiating

I step forth and proclaim this truth

I will make no excuses

Hide nothing

Apologize to none for their discomfort of what is natural

They have chosen their way and their place to live that way

I choose my way

Love radiating

Freely

Clearly

Unobstructed

Gifted

In truth it is no longer a choice for me

It is simply who I am

I can be no other

I will not attempt to resist for the sake of peace with those who fear

Because it hurts me

The love radiating from me

Will not allow me to stay where its presence hurts me

By surroundings that ask me to deny it

I will not deny any longer

Love radiates from me

And I am grateful

And blessed

Engtovo ~ August 12, 2004

I Wish You Only Love

Five million reasons to let go

Communication long since broken down

Would I know

Would it make a difference

You know not what I do

What I feel

Where I am

Who is in my life

What place does the mind still seek you

The heart has moved on

The soul never required any more of you than was given

I seek only balance for myself now

I have grieved a lifetime

This passing has no grief

There is no more left within me

Now all I have is compassion

Healing

Release and freedom

My body will not carry the scars

Will not hide

The camouflage is no longer needed

I am defined only by my choice

I thank you

Because I know I am the woman I am supposed to be in this moment

You have been part of that

But this woman is transforming

Becoming

In this becoming

The last vestiges of you are leaving me

I am free

No longer thinking perhaps one day things will change

It is a Shaman’s death

With it I receive my inheritance

It is not from you

It is from a greater Father

Let peace fill the space between us

A reflection of joy has been offered

I accept it fully

I take my power

Accepting the role you played to get me here

Now your role is complete

I wish you only love

Engtovo ~ July 28, 2004

All Is Well

Thank you

Hummingbirds and butterflies

Pass by my window

In their flight they give me pause

A moment to remember

The gifts that I have been given

The grace that has been my life

There is no lesson that was not a gift

No pain so great that it could remove joy from my world

It is through my choice that I make this so

It is through you that I know it is my choice

Thank you

You have stood beside me in every moment

Judging none of them

Compassion and humor as your teaching tools

Time passes and I do not stop to pause often enough

To remember how blessed I am in your friendship

I do not wish to take you for granted

You are far too precious to me

Your own gifts you give so freely

That they have become woven into the fabric of my life

Woven into the whole of who I have become

Thank You

Blessed is every moment we have walked hand in hand

Musical tunes of every mood sung between us

Thoughts shared in secret

Plots and plans for upliftment plotted

Some just for the fun of it

Insights turned into overviews

If I could give anyone a gift

It would be the gift of having a “you” in their lives

But I know that the gift of you in my life required me to receive you

You made that easy for me

Thank You

There is no way for any to understand the bond between us

The communication and loyalty

The big cat stalking in the energy

The soft purr of contentment when you wrap me in safety

Allowing me to be vulnerable for an hour

For a day

For a week

My perceptions of this place are different than others

You have showed me new ways to see

Thank You

Life in its frustrations and lessons

Does not lose its meaning in your presence

For every negative thought I spout out

You have ten positive things to offer

Who would I be without the love that you envelop me in

You hold out to me my potential

You have always believed in me

In so doing you have showed me I can believe in myself

No words could convey what you mean to me

Though these words are small and so insignificant

I say them anyway

Thank You Bestali

All is well

Engtovo ~ July 26, 2004