Tears of Unseen Emotion

What will be is not within my domain
There are two that set the course of this movement
Reaching out and responding
Healing and seeking meaning
The hurts have not become us
The sense if impending doom is not certain
Vulnerability speaks out tangibility
Things are on the table
It is required
It pulsates out in waves of prayer
Things in silence bring death
My heart cries out languishing of direction
There are no dots to connect
Only space where confusion reigns
Will there be rebirth here in this act of truth
Sadness may instead be labored
The unknown beats down upon me with its weight
Fears submerge me intermittently
That darkness wants to sink me to the bottom
There is understanding beyond
A course must be taken
The winds blow though switching directions
They cannot be ascertained
My heart is at their mercy
I must submit
Something I do with great trepidation
I bow to the power that knows the mystery
Ask of myself trust in this process
Questioning all that I think I know inevitable
The answers are bound to implode
Perceived as good or bad
Beginning or ending embraced with intensity
Followed by tears of unseen emotion

Tatiacha ~ February 11, 2011

This Love

Stirrings and angst
Doubts based in fear
Terrorize my thoughts
Heart in chaos
Turing the up side down
Right side up
Old and new meshed together
Tangles of filaments
Knowing
Question
Knowing
Demanding to be heard
Resistance
Demanding to be ignored
This heart runs wild
It has no counter
A complete rebellion of reason
No reasons can be found
That it cares to hear
Or will acknowledge or consider reasonable
It does as it pleases
Asks no permission
Waits for nothing
Accepts no limitation
Unfettered it demands what it wants
Any sense of control an illusion
I am at its mercy
Surrender it screams
With no fear of outcome
The more resistance
The louder the screams
It crushes me
With physical discomfort
Tangible responses
That even the body will not tolerate
Crying out for breath
For release
For free expression
This love won’t be held down
Held back
Contained or ignored

Tatiacha Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ 12-16-10

Your Smile

Your face unknown to me in the physical
And yet I know your smile so completely
I can feel it from a thousand miles
And it lightens up my heart
Your laugh has yet to be given sound unto my ears
And yet when you laugh
I laugh and smile
As if your laugh has the ability to move my body
It is the strangest sensation
It is so with a few others as well
There is no way to explain this
No one who would believe this experience
They would call me crazy
But if I am crazy
Then we all should be
If every person could feel the presence of another
As I do you and others
They would never relate to the world the same
I feel you when I fall asleep
And when I awaken
And at many points in between
You are a rock that does not falter for me
There are not words for all that conveys between us
I often wonder how I will feel when I see your face
For the first time
See that smile
Hear that laugh
I fear I will see you from across a large distance
And not be able to stop myself from racing into your arms
With all around us seeing us as complete strangers
You’ll know me that day
But will you admit it aloud
In front of others who know little to nothing of your inner life
It matters not
Because whether we both embrace the truth in fullness in an instant
Or create together an illusion
Of getting to know each other slowly
Seeing you will fill my heart with joy

Engtovo ~ September 12, 2005

The Life We Share Is Blessed

The change is here and it is final
Prophecies have come to close by this change
Roles foreseen are no longer
All are free to progress as the heart leads
It is good
Even though it may look chaotic
Those whose hearts are filled with hate
No longer have a script to follow
They never understood that the original script
Ended with love not hate
But now they flounder with no script at all
Love has come forth early as it were
Many will still suffer
As humans detest change
There is no way to avoid this
No way to fix it
We must look to the good and in openness do what we can
Without disempowering any
For the truth is yet to come forth or be understood
In a significant way
We must turn away the truth of our life for no one
It is their truth as well if they choose to see it
If they choose to ignore it
That is unfortunate
But it is not up to us to convince them
Or show them
It is their true nature
They have lost track of it in this world
It has never left them
They do not have to earn it
It is they who have left that knowing
Creator holds it out to them as he has unto us
I welcome this change
I welcome the freedom from the script
This change allows love to manifest quickly
Should this choice be made
It allows those who had things laid out in precise timing
To step forth into their true life now
My life lies before me
And I claim it
It is in this moment and each moment forward
It is a good life
And I give it away for no one, no thing
It is sacred as it was given to me sacred
It was meant to be joyous and so it is
The hurt and suffering chosen by others is
Not reason to disregard this sacred trust
Compassion goes out to them
The hand of the divine reaches out to them to tell them
Your suffering is not as you were intended to live
They can trust that and move with the love in their hearts
They can reject that and continue to suffer
There is no answer that is right or wrong
As there is no judgment to this condition
We are free to choose
And I have chosen
Many have, and the life we share is blessed

Engtovo ~ September 12, 2005

Love Radiates

Love radiates out from me

It hits fear and resistance in my surroundings

It contracts back on me and causes me pain

I must change my surroundings

This cannot continue

For divine love cannot be stopped

I cannot end the radiations that pour forth

Nor do I want to

Those who place up shields

They live a life void of all forms of love

It is a sad and empty life

They refuse to look at their emptiness

Or seek an opening for God to fill those spaces

They do not even realize that they desire the same emptiness for me

My participation is impossible

There is no end to what has been started within me

It lives in perpetual motion

Governed by universal law

Love radiates out from me

It seeks out its true reflection in the world

The fear and resistance in my surroundings cannot stop it all

It still leaks forth into the world

And calls back to me with people and places that are in harmony with it

I answer those calls

I move my surroundings

Take myself to the places and people

Who feel the radiation and are joyous in it

The deer people support me in this journey

This transition to new surroundings

The bucks come to greet me and I say thank you

And pause in a moment of gratitude

The grouse come to greet me and acknowledge the love radiating

I step forth and proclaim this truth

I will make no excuses

Hide nothing

Apologize to none for their discomfort of what is natural

They have chosen their way and their place to live that way

I choose my way

Love radiating

Freely

Clearly

Unobstructed

Gifted

In truth it is no longer a choice for me

It is simply who I am

I can be no other

I will not attempt to resist for the sake of peace with those who fear

Because it hurts me

The love radiating from me

Will not allow me to stay where its presence hurts me

By surroundings that ask me to deny it

I will not deny any longer

Love radiates from me

And I am grateful

And blessed

Engtovo ~ August 12, 2004

I Wish You Only Love

Five million reasons to let go

Communication long since broken down

Would I know

Would it make a difference

You know not what I do

What I feel

Where I am

Who is in my life

What place does the mind still seek you

The heart has moved on

The soul never required any more of you than was given

I seek only balance for myself now

I have grieved a lifetime

This passing has no grief

There is no more left within me

Now all I have is compassion

Healing

Release and freedom

My body will not carry the scars

Will not hide

The camouflage is no longer needed

I am defined only by my choice

I thank you

Because I know I am the woman I am supposed to be in this moment

You have been part of that

But this woman is transforming

Becoming

In this becoming

The last vestiges of you are leaving me

I am free

No longer thinking perhaps one day things will change

It is a Shaman’s death

With it I receive my inheritance

It is not from you

It is from a greater Father

Let peace fill the space between us

A reflection of joy has been offered

I accept it fully

I take my power

Accepting the role you played to get me here

Now your role is complete

I wish you only love

Engtovo ~ July 28, 2004

All Is Well

Thank you

Hummingbirds and butterflies

Pass by my window

In their flight they give me pause

A moment to remember

The gifts that I have been given

The grace that has been my life

There is no lesson that was not a gift

No pain so great that it could remove joy from my world

It is through my choice that I make this so

It is through you that I know it is my choice

Thank you

You have stood beside me in every moment

Judging none of them

Compassion and humor as your teaching tools

Time passes and I do not stop to pause often enough

To remember how blessed I am in your friendship

I do not wish to take you for granted

You are far too precious to me

Your own gifts you give so freely

That they have become woven into the fabric of my life

Woven into the whole of who I have become

Thank You

Blessed is every moment we have walked hand in hand

Musical tunes of every mood sung between us

Thoughts shared in secret

Plots and plans for upliftment plotted

Some just for the fun of it

Insights turned into overviews

If I could give anyone a gift

It would be the gift of having a “you” in their lives

But I know that the gift of you in my life required me to receive you

You made that easy for me

Thank You

There is no way for any to understand the bond between us

The communication and loyalty

The big cat stalking in the energy

The soft purr of contentment when you wrap me in safety

Allowing me to be vulnerable for an hour

For a day

For a week

My perceptions of this place are different than others

You have showed me new ways to see

Thank You

Life in its frustrations and lessons

Does not lose its meaning in your presence

For every negative thought I spout out

You have ten positive things to offer

Who would I be without the love that you envelop me in

You hold out to me my potential

You have always believed in me

In so doing you have showed me I can believe in myself

No words could convey what you mean to me

Though these words are small and so insignificant

I say them anyway

Thank You Bestali

All is well

Engtovo ~ July 26, 2004

Our Passion

Passion breaths again

Beyond thought and time

The body, thought and emotion merge

Joining in the outpouring of desire

I thought this day would not come

And knew that it would

Where this conflict of mind and soul collided

Changed from day to day

I feel your breath now on my neck

The gentle touch of your lips to my cheek

Your hands upon my shoulders

It is as if there were no parting

All the years of separation and pain

Distant and fleeting

How can such anguish disappear in an instant

Just one moment and healing has occurred

Hearts engage in synergistic embrace

Released from the illusion of separation

With only a single touch of hearts

How are we separate and how are we one

It ebbs and flows like our breath

Life force draws us together

Time has been our nemesis

Yet when we reunite we are beyond time

It is only when we are distanced

That time consumes us with despair and longing

The truth of our connection overcomes me

And I question how any moment of separation was experienced

Speak to me in symbols

Send and receive rays of divine light

Touch the space between us

And it becomes nothing

We are together here

The passion engulfs me

The creative force of life wants expression

When your energy touches mine

Manifestations come forth

They are birthed without effort

An expression of our deep love

They are divine and perfect

They can be no other

They are our passion

Engtovo ~ May 11, 2004

Two Powerful Forces Combine

Synergy of co-creation

Two powerful forces combine

This collision causes exponential increase

The work can grow beyond known boundaries

Two individual circles combine to become infinity

Creator splits a spark

Just so it can reunite as two working in harmony

More powerful than the original spark

It is true with all things

Unity of purpose increases its expression exponentially

We are on the precipice

The light of dawn is preceding the rising sun

The crest of infinity is reaching our horizon

We will be bathed in its brilliance

It will spill over unto all life

A choice made for personal joy

Enacting in its exponential consequence

A force of love for all life

Engtovo ~ May 12, 2004

Venus

Waiting to hear

What is the word

The energy has shifted

The fear dispersed

The deed done

Freedom is this release

It plays out as it will

I have done my part

I can do no more than that

Life can change in an instant

Divine Love manifests itself through this life

The moon shines brightly this new energy

Venus moves into play

She comes calling seldom

Some never see her filtering the light through her love

We witness her here

It is a gift

She shows us the heart of creation

She prepares us for a greater expression

Harmony reigns in the space she creates

We can choose to align with her

We can allow her to carry us together

Trust in the dance of stars and planets

Put into motion by Divine Principle

Place ourselves into the intelligent motion

Know that we will be in the exact right place in creation

People, places on our path perfect

Like Venus

We will not doubt our motion

In Divine Love

No timing of eclipse or collision a mistake

Let us collide and create something new

Divine Love has foreseen

That creation unknown to us

I surrender my heart Venus

Influence me

Show me the Love

Move it through me

Become me

Its time

Engtovo ~ May 11, 2004

Divine Love

Divine Love

Akasha grid connected

Downloading

Math

Science

Universal law

Music & Art come to play

Receiving and giving

One body to the other

And back again

We breathe as one being in two bodies

Knowledge passes to me from you

Understanding and healing occur

They bring this body to harmony with the other

Blending is taking a new pathway

Divine Love is the key

Fifth world energies participate

The love is swirling around filling my sphere of self to overflowing

It is nature’s way

God’s way

Earth’s way

There is essence

It is identity in truth

Filtering complete

The core is touched by Divine Love

All the work has come to this

Integration of bodies commences here

The physical aspect that comes later

Will be instant and simple

This is the gifting to and fro

The love of self

The truth of wholeness

Being experienced

It has begun

It has no end

It cannot be stopped

Resistance cannot live here anymore

Divine Love holds sway

Engtovo ~ January 24, 2004

Bear & Eagle Mates

Two bears walk side by side

Mated eagles glide above

The wars have ended

The eagle dance progressed

And fear of the bear attack passed

The new script has been written and implemented

The dual spiral of balanced male and female is magnetically being brought into

Unity, harmony and synchronistic movement

The hearts are ready

They are free and open to the universal dance

It is more than physical

More than spiritual

Emotions, thoughts, intentions, energies

Intertwine so completely that two work as one

The boundaries are clear and respected

Within this divine commitment of Bear and Eagle medicine

The spirit within each fully spiraling within the other

The time has come where work done distant

Is ready to be done hand in hand

Hibernation over

The bear essence of each must leave the cave

To take flight in their dual journey

Circling

Gliding

Nesting

Looking over the scene from above

Each perspective unique

They see the same scene from a different angle

These two blended have a complete picture

Balance is achieved in blending

This balance brings a new level of peace to both

Bear & Eagle live comfortably within them both

As they share the male and female essence of each with one another

Engtovo ~ January 18, 2004

I Let Go

Why don’t you leave my mind

You sneak into my dreams not fully seen

But still acknowledged

I want to forget you

Your face

Your touch

My desire to feel your touch again

I feel you thinking of me

And I wonder what you are doing

I wish to see you again

But I know I cannot

There are not two people here but three

I know noting about the third

Except that she exists

She was first

If I had known

No touch would have happened

But I did not

And now that touch lingers in my heart and body

I feel your conflict

But I do not understand your situation

Your choices are your own

I know life is often more complicated than simple thoughts

My view cannot take into account all the facts of your life

And yet in my simplicity

I wonder

Why when one is unhappy do they stay

If you had made another choice

Perhaps you would have been single when we met

But you did not

And now we are both conflicted

In a sense you shared your inner torment with me

I know that was not your intent

You were simply lonely

You reached out to me

And I responded

Not understanding that your loneliness lived within a relationship

I have made other choices

When I was unhappy and married

I ended my marriage

I did not reach out to another man

And make things worse for all three of us

I imagine that she does not know of me

I imagine from what I do know of your marriage

Perhaps she would not even care

That you are lost to one another but feel leaving is not an option

But perhaps there is a chance to heal

To recapture what you may have once shared

That is the choice you have before you now

Do you see it

Please stop thinking about me

So I will stop feeling your energy to mine

I have shared with you my feelings

That I cannot participate in a relationship of three

Even though I think of you often and wonder

That is my own loneliness

I will not be ruled by it

I will not allow it to dictate my ethics or morals

My integrity

I will be loyal to my true self

That knows loneliness is no excuse

To come into a marriage

Once known

There was only one choice

And I made it as I had to

But that doesn’t mean I had to like it

And I don’t

I see your smile

A look in your eyes I remember

It has been such a long time since I saw that look in the eyes of a man

Looking at me

I resent having to walk away

Because you refused to deal with the relationship you were in

And reached out to me

Knowing you were not available

But leaving me ignorant

Damn you

Get out of my thought

Get out of my dreamtime

Heal your marriage or leave it and heal yourself

Neither choice affects me directly

As we are in the past now

But either choice would stop you from thinking about me

And that would stop the energy that drifts to me from you

Calling out to me

Like you reaching out and taking my arm for a hug

I am searching for a way to let go of something

That had no true closure

Because it was still nothing more than potential

I have never had a problem letting go of finished relationships

This is letting go of a relationship that never truly began

Why should this be so hard to set free

The what if

What if you had been single

Where would we be with this

It is a waste of time

Of energy

It hurts

I am asking the divine to guide me through this

To show me to the way to be in the truth of this moment

This knowing

There is no us

No potential us

We were but one moment in time

That is past

A tender moment

There is a gift we received from one another

Something we both needed

A healing

A wake up call perhaps

But it is done

Let me be done with it now

Is my self worth still so defeated that I fear

No other man will have that look in his eyes

When looking at me

Is that the thing that keeps you in my thought

If that is so

Then I need divine guidance at a much deeper level

How do I finally come to completion with that

To know that I will see that look again

In the eyes of a kind and loving man

Who is free to be with me

Tears well in my eyes

And the sigh is in my breath

This makes me weary

How could I still be that filled with self hatred

Or fear

Do I really believe that

Or is it just an old thought that I can simply discard now

I do believe I will see that look again and

Yet that belief frightens me

I am afraid to give it full force

Am I afraid of being disappointed

Or afraid of how simple a truth it is

Afraid of how easy it may be for a good man to see me that way

Simply by me allowing him to see me

Really see me

That I have seen that look seldom

Only because I have not allowed

These men into my life

To see my real heart

To feel my energy and love

I have kept them at a distance

Somehow you snuck past my defenses and found me

I am afraid no one else will sneak by

Or want to try

And that I will not allow my self to drop the defenses

So they will not have to find a way past them

Whether I drop the defenses or another sneaks past

Another will come

That is the truth

I have called out energetically

Someone will see the energy

Like you did

You showed me it can be done

But I must have the faith to put out into that energy

Some boundaries

And know there will still be someone to come

It cannot be a relationship of three

Only two

Where ever you are tonight know I have no regrets

I don’t think it serves you to wallow in guilt

About me or her

Make choices for yourself

Do not be victim or victimizer

I will not play the victim role here

You taught me about myself

And for that I am grateful

I simply choose not to repeat this scenario

The next man must be free for me

And there is a next man

I put you into the past with conviction

You must stay there

I pray for you to find peace

I wish you farewell

I say goodbye in energy now

We will not have the chance to talk about these things

I know that is a part of your energy coming to me

You feel incomplete in our communication

Know that it is done in spirit

There is no need to talk about these things

I understand your loneliness

I don’t need to know the rest of the story

Say farewell

Say goodbye in energy to me

Allow the gifts between us to be honored

By letting go

As I choose to do now

I place you on my hand

I turn my hand over and simply allow you to fall away

It is with love

I let go

Engtovo ~ October 15, 2003

Nothing Can Corrupt

Sweetness abounds

No controversy can touch it

It is in a place where no fear can tread

Not a place of dreams

But a place of truth

Where the play of consciousness on the planet

Is seen for what it is

Harmony surrounds

No thought word or deed

Can come between the harmonious ones

They act with a single purpose

The benefit of all as guide

Joy in this expression

Is freedom of the human heart

Nothing moves in this space

Other than God’s true love and ideal

Nothing can blacken or dirty the love

Nothing can cause doubt or fear in the inhabitants here

Nothing can corrupt the power that has been given to all

And received in full

Engtovo ~ November 1, 2001

Ode To My Sons

Josediab youngest boy

Your heart is as pure as the day you were born

Life does not weather you

Smiles radiate from your face

and embrace the world and all it’s inhabitants

You laugh easier than all my other sons

You look to the future without leaving the present

Your presence is that of total balance in male expression

You are handsome and know yourself

without arrogance or male ego

When your voice pierces the night in song of praise to God

we are all moved to tears

Jessie my beloved

You are second only in birth

for in no way in life have you ever been second to anything

You are aggressive without placing that aggression over others

You are a thinker

an achiever

First to manifest before the age of 13 months you came here determined to experience every avenue of God’s divine expression to the fullest

You travel often to see what is happening in this world

Cloaked from the masses you blend into whatever society you observe

You use your observations to further the depth of your knowledge

You are the record keeper of our family

Your mind is a divine computer data base

all our facts are handy and ready for retrieval

You are fascinated with history and how we can help humanity stop repeating the cycles

You are my mental muse

You challenge me to greater achievements

and revel in the knowing that I will rise to the occasion

always first to say I knew you could do it

You are a motivational champion

and my personal expert in yoga

Pence first born you seem reserved at first appearance

but later it is found that you are humorous and gentle

You hold your energy proudly

You stand tall and show the world your serious side

saving the laughing boy inside for those you love the best

You are dynamic in action

When you take on a project you are steadfast and unswerving

You put your goal firmly into your heart where it radiates out and finds no objection

You are considerate and kind and give freely of time and love

Your only true commitment placed firmly where it belongs

with Divine Principle of life

You are the foundation to which all your siblings have built their strengths

and it is a role you cherish and respect

Jahob I understand you better for my latest trip into the mortal

You are the cave dweller

the one in prayer for all lifeYou keep your contact with mortals to a minimum

and choose to assist them through prayer and meditation

As an active woman I attempt to bring you out of the cave

but now it is I who would join you there more often

You are a beacon of love

and the power of silence works through you

When I enter meditation I find you there with heart wide open awaiting me

Your focus is so great

so strong

that it could challenge the foundation of any who doubt

Your patience in that state is unendingI now understand the gratitude that you receive from those you assist in your own special way for I feel this gratitude for you deep in my own heart grow stronger each passing day

Elesteel although your name is not of English origin

steel could not be more appropriate

You are impenetrable by any energy that you choose not to embrace

You are the protector for all who you love

You strength is tempered only by the depth of your love

You step lightly upon the earth

and look for ways to assist all of her creatures

You are the keeper of the medicine ways

In our family you are the Master of Ceremony

the maker of weddings

overseer of rites of passage, and passing of mortals we love

You wrap us in your medicine and we know we are loved

Every step you take upon the medicine path

you call all of humanity to join you

Every prayer of your pipe is a prayer for all life

and the earth mother willingly sits in the palm of your hand

As blessed as I am with daughters I am blessed with sons

As five of you stand together I am overwhelmed by what you represent

Your sibling bond pure and unobstructed inspires me

A day could not go by that one of you has not offered your assistance with my endless plots and plans

You support me with your love even when perhaps I have asked too much of us all

The love you emit could heal a universe and my ego wishes it could take credit for you

but you came to me as you are

My job was only to allow that self full opportunity to bloom

This was my pleasure

my joy

my heart’s work

For all that I have done in this world nothing is greater than nurturing you

God gave you into my care and now I feel that it is I that am in yours

The love that moves between us is eternal and divine

it is a love that can only move between mother and son

It fills my heart to overflowing and makes me want to do it all over again

blessed are the sons Bhodsvatan

Engtovo ~ September 9, 2001

Puppy Dog

my-dog.jpg

Ashantia (now passed on, in February of 2006 one month before her 14th birthday)

Puppy Dog Puppy Dog

So sweet as you lay

You are my companion

At sleep and at play

Once there were two

Now one has passed on

I miss him greatly

Since he has gone

But still you and I

Are here together today

I’m grateful for you

And I just had to say

Puppy Dog Puppy Dog

How I love you so

I know it’s not rational

But I hope you’ll never go

Engtovo ~ August 30, 2001

Ode To My Daughters

Adrianna

so strong and true

straight like an arrow

I always know where you stand

you leave nothing unsaid

your grace enters the room before you arrive

your beauty is so great and yet cannot contain the beauty of your spirit

you do what you must and rarely seek advice

your every breath is an expression of something greater than your self

although you are not the oldest you lead all of your sisters

they follow you joyously

for you do not command

you are practical in nature without being rigid or inflexible

you are without a doubt one of God’s greatest creatures

Lestadha my baby

you are not baby like in anyway

your innocence is that of playfulness that could never be mistaken for immaturity

you are the one to always see the best and brightest of every situation

when your sister tells you of the dire circumstance in need of attention

you will immediately find the light that exists there and illuminate us all

you walk with great pride in your heritage without ego or arrogance

you take up the cause of a stranger as easily as you take up the cause of family

all the world you see as family

your compassion is pure

your heart overflowing with love

Watabe you are the little moon that encircles our family reflecting to us the light God emits

your energy is of the true divine woman

intuitive and creative you bring me the force of grandmother medicine

although in times past you have been battered by asteroids you continue to shine

you are faithful and loyal to all who you love

fierce in your protection of us all

you move the tides of our family love with regularity and grace

and reach out with hands filled with deva spirits

you are the Earth Mother incarnate

the blessing of grounded female force

Suza sweet Suza

what can be said

you are the doorway to the animal kingdom

you fill our home with creatures great and small

and the love that you bring them can be felt by anyone who nears you

you are the quietest of my beautiful daughters

but when you speak you offer us perspective as yet unspoken

you savor your words and imbue them with truth not wasting them on small talk

I held you in my arms for hours and we would say nothing as no words were needed between us

you understand what each one you love is feeling and thinking and surprise us with

simple gifts and loving thought

you are the tenderness of our family

and a blessing to any who know you and many who do not

how could one woman be blessed with such daughters

there is no containment to the love that exits there between us all

the only blessing greater than bringing you forth into this world and nurturing you to adulthood

is watching your movements in the world every day

although two of you are much younger than the two other you stand side by side

with respect and admiration

sisters in every way

when I see you all together working for one cause

the love you emit brings me to emotions beyond mere words

daughters you are loved beyond earth and beyond sky

the love you bring forth in me and that I feel from you could only be called God
Engtovo ~ August 28, 2001

Makenai

Makenai I feel you

Your eyes move across the horizon of me with anticipation of the energies to come

Your lips speak my name and from across the world I hear you calling if only a whisper has been spoken

Your love lights a darkened room with brilliance and clarity

Your touch requires no bodies

The hands of your spirit reach out and clasp my whole being in an embrace that is eternal

Your drum beats out the rhythm of our dance throughout time

Your paint brush strokes the canvas and paints the stories of our love

Your thought carries me into realms once forgotten, but now shared in sacred between us

Your dreams come to greet mine and embark upon the silent journey of souls beyond words

I feel you

You feel me

So close do our spirits touch, sometimes I think I have lost track of you

So ever-present you are sometimes I think you are a manifestation only of thought

So connected are we that your breath fills my lungs, and sustains my body when I falter

So beloved are you to me that I cannot define myself without being the one who adores you

So true is our love that doves flock to our energy to absorb us

and distribute the understanding we represent to any who would listen

Makenai my love once more we shall be together in the physical

Our spirits shall soar while our hands hold tight to one another

Thank you divine Father for my greatest blessing in spirit and on earth

My beloved

My innormarata

My Makenai

Engtovo ~ June 29, 2001

Siblings

My brothers be entangled in God’s ways and in mine

We twins brought out of the womb like two who are bonded beyond location

Experiences bond another beyond location as well

Yet another awaits the return of us all with quiet resignation to our flaws

My sisters be entangled in God’s ways and in mine

Child bonds one to me beyond location

The other awaits us all with song and unconditional love to heal our flaws

Siblings in mortal and in divine expression

Bonded by choice and by birth

Our web reaches out to touch one another

The miles cannot be of barrier

The touch is of hearts with common understanding

Common is our love and our view

Arguments cannot affect the common aspects between us

There are no people that can cause a tear in our structure

No thought, no deed, no fear

Forever we shall remain as siblings

Bonded beyond location

Engtovo ~ May 25, 2001

I Will Love

I will love

I am loving the face of humanity

I am applauding the love that people live in a world of pain and chaos

No one would blame humanity for closing it’s hearts in fear

and yet hearts continue to love

to give

to be all that the Creator intended them to be

I have hated humanity

The greed

the selfishness and stupidity

and yet even those thought to be most lost are transformed if their heart opens to love

I have used the flaws of humanity as an excuse to keep my own heart closed

shut them out

revel in my awareness of their ignorance

But in refusing to love them

I refuse to love

This only hurts me

I must accept, grieve if I must

their flaws and faults

and love anyway

refusing to stop loving

No offender ever stopped an action by someone refusing to love them

Only by loving people as is without expectation

do they sometimes change their behaviors that harm the whole and themselves

Yes I love

It is a choice

One that is of God and of survival

No heart refusing to love will survive these times

Even though the times themselves would lead one to desire to shut down

to tune out the pain and suffering all around

Only loving can uplift and enlighten

So I will love

Engtovo ~ May 21, 2001

Hearts

Hearts alive and flowing free

Hearts survive all that we do

When closed they remain faithful

that they will be allowed to reopen

They wait and trust that their time will come

Minds fear the love and action of hearts

For hearts actions are unpredictable

and cause minds to cloud with confusion and dismay

But minds without hearts are little use

For minds must have inspiration to achieve their full potential

and inspiration is of the heart

Engtovo ~ May 21, 2001

The Lovers

energies blended and retracted

wax dripping slowly from the candle

intuned to the flicker of it’s flame

whispered touches

in the essence of roses

silently surrounding the image of

the lovers

radiant skins moving in the candles glow

the music of souls

pulsing forth the rhythm of divine union

intention is clear and pure

from the depth of all life

sacred exchange of hearts

pour forthin infusion of sensation

tingling sweet sensation

anticipation of ascension

to a state of ecstatic oneness

beams of moonlight come forth

in glimmered reflection

awakening new senses

flooding the emotions

exciting the mind and body

into a heightened level of awareness

deepened knowing in their eyes

every sensation becomes divine

each touch an explosion of pleasure

eternally beating hearts

pounding in passionate harmony

exploration of kisses

enchant and envelop their consciousness

blood races to greet the tender arrival of each kiss

as the candle burns down

surrounding the wick

in it’s pool of heated wax

the intensity of their passion

ignites the flame of transformation

bodies gently caressing one another

leading to heights unimagined

in the culmination

of their sacred rite

spirit’s joined

each coming forth in wholeness

In the aftermath of creation

scents linger

as the golden rays of sunlight

illuminate the lovers

wrapped in each others arms

knowing only the love they embrace

they will never see the world the same

It has been changed forever

with energies blended and retracted

Engtovo ~ November 13 1997

Light Force

Light force

enduring darkness

never dimming

always pulsing

forward

moving

emanating

endlessly

bright

pure

true

and present

cloaked… at times forgotten

perceived to be unknown

never out of reach

always calling home

the wayward

and the ignorant

beacon of our unity

carrier of our love

truth within out heart space

shining who we are

Engtovo ~ November 12 1997

Reflection

Trembling and terror have left the orbit of my sacred sphere

and have journeyed to the light of transformation

They come home to me in abundant love

as they awaken the forgotten embers in my soul

Once awakened

the embers flare and light a fire

almost distant in it’s memory

The flames reach out within me

touching places left in darkness for so long

The illumination surprises me

with information thought to be known

but found to be illusion

This new clarity is overwhelmed by emotions

ignored through years of turmoil and change

How could this be hidden in it’s absolute obviousness?

Every cell has tortured me with these emotions… yet

I have found myself caught off guard

by the truth of their nature

and the depth of their intensity

The resistance within me has now been defined

and the definition previously thought to be fear

has been denounced in it’s simplicity

and the simplicity of it’s true nature has taken it’s place

The absurdity of it’s simplicity sends my mind reeling into the sea of perception

How often this simplicity was offered unto me by the divine help that surrounds me

and I have looked into it’s eyes

and looked into my own

and found no match

Hidden from my gaze…I find it

So completely does it envelop me

that it’s existence escapes my ability to discern it

It is me… and I am engulfed in the new knowledge of self

How do I allow myself the luxury of such depth to my illusion

while I sabotage the very nature of my divinity

I grasp intellectually the teaching offered

and apply it diligently for years

not knowing what I am applying at all.

I awaken one day to be greeted in the mirror by a reflection unrecognized

that has been me all along

and then I must choose if this reflection is who I still wish to remain

and decipher how it came to be me to begin with

So simple it could have been to have the one reflection… one truth from the start

Or would it?

Perhaps the time it took to see the reflection and choose to transform it

would be the same as the time it would take to integrate it’s meaning

if seen from the start

Perhaps it is even a gift

this illusion

would I have condemned and judged myself for this reflection

and dragged out the process of change

Would I have denied it

and pushed it to a place harder to reach

All that is known

is what is

as it has happened

In this new dawning I find reason to rejoice

in celebration of divine truth

I find myself empowered with the knowing

that I am free from myself

and prepared to transform this old reflection

to a new version without regret or resistance

It is a moment of moving forward

to places yet uncharted

by the ever charting mind

Divinity embraces me from the depths of my being

and offers me the love of the creator within

and the forgiveness for the reflection

as well as the ignorance of it’s existence

In this love

I am blessed in wholeness

and the wholeness radiates out to encompass all who come near me

with love and forgiveness

for their reflections

known and forgotten

Engtovo ~ April 6 1997

Knowing

I wonder when I’ll see you again

thinking of your tentative smile

your gentle hug

your distant look across the room

your curious thought of what next

your frustration at our attempts to communicate

and your excitement at wondering when you’ll see me again

Why do we come to density and think

that to remember will make it easier somehow?

Is it not harder to know and feel you must pretend you don’t know,

or must figure out if the other person knows too

wouldn’t it be nice to know you know

and know the other person knows what you know

and both know so absolutely that the discussion of knowing

could be a no (know) thing

I know you know I’m thinking of you

and you know I know your thinking of me

and when I see you again

we will be polite and distant

and wish we could reach out our arms to each other in our knowing

and trust in the universe to show us the rest of the way

Engtovo ~ March 13 1997

Arms

Let my arms flow out to embrace you

Let my dreams be your place of refuge

Let my spirit surround you with affection

Let my love circle yours with perfection

Bring your arms out to entice me

Bring your dreams alive and be free

Bring your spirit home to my heart

Bring your love in wholeness, not part

Engtovo ~ March 13 1997

Surrendered To The He

Thought of him labors her breath with terror of submission, ease and simplicity hide behind fear’s resistance of the unresistable.

She knows him in many forms, this is her magnetic force and the source of her terror.

Only he can bring forth the intensity of emotion within her.

Can she face these feelings again?

Can she handle their intensity with integrity and acknowledgment?

How can she give herself over to the flow of the unresistable force without giving up her power?

Her desire to remain in control is her savior and her destined enemy.

It keeps her safe….and without him.

Why doesn’t she know that trust can be given freely and the consequences lay out as they will be?

The true heart and passion of one and the truth and trust of the other.

Is it possible for him to be the essence of both?

The parts she would take from each and combine into a perfect unity to blend with herself in one life….One purpose….One love.

The breath of her terror disables her and leaves her a shell of her true self.

The resistance within her keeps the ease at bay and prolongs the labor of acquiescence.

To submit or unite?

To lose power or join forces in an endless journey of creation.

Her true perspective escapes her in the clouded chamber of her mind.

Her Soul yearns for the connection and nothing else.

Her mind shudders with fear at the connection and nothing else.

It is….and can be no other.

There is no separation of their unity and spark, only the fear of acknowledgment.

This acknowledgment has led to cloudiness incomprehensible to her in forms gone before.

Is it clarity that she seeks to protect?

The same clarity that ushers in the infinite potential, comes knocking at the door seeking protection from it’s own creation…it’s own calling.

The response has been echoed, and the fog rolls in from the stormy waters, hailing the assumed loss of self, of clarity, of knowing, of truth, it contradicts the very nature of it’s being with games of the mind and ignoring of the heart.

Where does he reside, it asks… within the impending murky waters of the incoming tide?

With the fog so thick how will she know that the tide of his heart is about to reach out and touch hers?

Perhaps the allowing of the fog is the sea’s gift unto the land letting the tide gently, slowly rise up and touch her a little at a time, non-threatening, but never the less unstoppable, moving forward and retreating to move forward again, until the surge of it’s passion pulls her down into a new life below it’s surface.

She is ready and surrenders to the outflow in absolute unity of the one love.

Trembling she flows deep into the waters of he and finds beyond the shoreline clarity of a new world, luminescent and flowing.

The waters of he are not murky, but brilliant in their perfect reflection.

She has become one with him in a secret world where power and submission do not live.

Engtovo ~ February 27 1997

Breakthrough

At last breakthrough of admission comes and tempts me into remembrance of his touch.

The essence and breath of his Spirit comes wafting through the corridors of time.

There is no other that serves the depth of my passion.

Only the spark of divine infatuation flows into the recesses of my thought.

I feel the touch of his Spirit’s eye watching me when I am turned away, waiting to be caught in the endeavor of our hearts.

The embrace of our desires disguised in our shadowed actions.

The reverence of anticipation as we wait for illumination, becomes the action of our thoughts.

There is only vision of temptation seeking expression in the pounding of the hearts of our bodies.

Waiting…wanting…Thinking of more and moving our energies into the perfect synchronicity of two becoming one.

At last breakthrough of submission where hearts pounding in secret echo through the universe of creation.

The bridging of desire flows onto the bridge of completion.

It bridges the stream of light and brings us into elevated awareness of the absoluteness of our being.

Rainbows of sparkling delight glisten in the illumination of breakthrough.

Colors searching for the golden luminosity of the Creators voice within each other.

The rainbows double one to the other having found the elemental nature of our truth.

We link together in an ever living expression of oneness, bringing forth the all of the divine spark in us both.

The bridge disappears and the stream becomes the ocean of one heart.

We ebb and flow, giving and receiving of the water of life.

In this blissful completion we become the creator of all life and all life becomes us in and through the sharing of our holy waters of divine love.

Engtovo ~ February 27 1997