What Becomes Her

She remembers things

I’ve long forgotten

I thought she wasn’t listening

She was

Where it leads her is unknown

She has floundered

Her pain undeniable

She tries to run

But she ran into the truth

Once I worried

Then I released to higher power

Now I wonder

What becomes her

Perhaps I will never know

In her grows a spark

It may tinder to flame

It may die an ugly death

It is her spark

I give it room

Step back

Watch and wait

There is love there offered

It is abundant and abiding

It resides here

It resides beyond this place

Held out

Waiting to be touched

Claimed

Swirling around

A whirlwind of answers

Available to breathe in

Fill

Uplift

Transform

It is not my journey

Not my denial or acceptance

But I will continue to wonder

What becomes her

With love

 

 

Engtovo ~ October 3, 2007

A Baby Comes

A baby comes
Conceived in lies, deception and manipulation
Conceived in hurt, heartache and neediness
A baby comes
A new life tender and vulnerable
What will become of this life
How can he walk through the coals
Of the fire that is his very creation point
There is drama, fear and anger
Why must a new life start this way
A baby comes
It should be a most joyous and sacred occasion
How can our family be in a position where this joy is thwarted
I want to scream and yell
In frustration and disappointment
That this could happen here
Where there is so much knowledge and God Love
But my screams would be heard only by spirit
My heart aches for him
A baby comes
There is no one ready to nurture him
He is surrounded by pain
By abusive behavior
By ignorance and indifference
He deserves so much more
A baby comes
I feel powerless to change anything around him
I feel powerless to influence those who can
They think of themselves only
Incapable of putting him first
He cries out to me
I hear him
But will they allow me to answer
A baby comes
God please create a path for him
One that frees him from these low vibrations


Engtovo ~ May 8, 2006

How Dare You

What’s loyalty
What’s family
Where is the line
The truth
What is guilt and obligation
What is freely given
What is manipulation
How does one free oneself without guilt
From those who are entwined into our lives
Relationships that are unhealthy
Expectations unrealistic and undeserved
Why do we give one another these powers
If I take care of myself
I am said to be selfish
Whether it is true or not
It holds energy
With lifelong relationships
I can do nothing wrong
And be seen as the bad guy
As others cling to victimization
And project onto me as the oppressor
Simply for taking my own power and walking away
Having done nothing to them
Good bad or indifferent
Simply choosing to live my life
How did it get this way
Why did I allow it
Why does my stomach still churn
As if the world will crumble
When I make the choice to nurture myself by moving on
Because I will not have their approval and acceptance
I do not have it now in truth
But they pretend I do
And so what is it I lose by my choice
I lose only them pretending to accept me
Pretending to respect me
Pretending to care about my spiritual perspectives
And yet the masterful family plan is so ingrained
That my stomach churns more and more
At the thought of losing the illusion
It all disgusts me to the core
Is my own self worth really so fragile
That I am afraid to have my family stop pretending to accept me
And just be in an honest space about their resentment
The envy
The fear
The anger
How many years have I been subtlety trained
To feel guilt a the slightest thought of independence
Shame that I should want to do something without them
I have the right to my life
God gave it to me
He did not tie us together like Siamese twins
I want to scream
How dare you
How dare you
You don’t even like me
Yet I am suppose to sit here and beg for your acceptance and approval
Suppose to give you my gifts
So you can throw them away like they are nothing
Suppose to feel like less than I am
So that others can try to be ok with themselves
I am sorry that you envy me
That is your sorry self esteem
You don’t have the right to tear me down to feel better
You don’t have the right to claim some part of me
Current or future
As if I am something you own
Like an investment that won’t seem to come to fruition
Is always a disappointment to you
Despite the fact that you are clueless what goes on within me
Looking for results
That are not of you or for you
I must cast it all off now
There will be intense anger that I don’t comply with the expectations
But this is not my burden to carry
I have done nothing to harm any
Only tried to love
But that is not what this family is about
New family will be born
Of others like myself
This will bring even further anger
You will feel betrayed
Simply because I love
How sad is that
I will never understand how we came to this
I know the history
And yet it makes no sense
You will feel betrayed by me empowering myself
Choosing to seek joy and love in life
Companionship
Nurturing
Harmony
You can’t even see that if I had the power
That is the same thing I would want for you all
But you don’t want it for yourselves
And you don’t want me to have it
So what choice do you leave me
But to walk away
To follow the Creator’s path for me
It’s been such a long and difficult journey together
If only I had found the courage at the deepest level
The understanding and truth that I sought to protect a lie
I would have been able to walk away years ago
But everything in its own time
Your anger, disappointment, feelings of betrayal
Whatever you want to place on me
It is your own
And I leave it with you

Engtovo ~ October 20, 2005

Revelations

Jesus knew the way home
But the disciples did not stand forth
By standards set forth by you
That would make Jesus a bad teacher
Instead of the disciples being limited students
How absurd
They had example
Proof from your perspective
And yet they remained mortal
Unable to follow suit
Why is this
I ask you
You cannot blame Jesus for still being mortal
As he was not
He gave them the full example of which you seek
Spalding saw it all for years
And yet he too did not stand forth
Were the Masters simply amiss in their teachings for him
That which you have put forth are naught but excuses
You desire your victimization and blame
But your life is your own dear brother
Always has been
Always will be
Your choices belong to you and you alone
If you want divine life you will have to work hard
It cannot be handed over
Bought or sold
Steps can be explained to the mind
But are meaningless until
Heart/soul/spirit take them in and experience them
It is a path of revelation
And the revelations can only come from within
If you have not had the revelations
You are not qualified to discuss them
Judge them
Or anticipate what they mean
Or how they should or should not be expressing
Divine life arrives in an instant
But there are years and lifetimes of preparation that come first
If the preparations have not been done the instant will not arrive
Have you done the preparation
You assume that upon seeing the proof
You would experience your divine life instantly
This is the foolishness of ego
Spend your time in preparation
And assume nothing
Humble yourself before your Creator
And seek not proof or outer expression from any
Look within
Look within
Look within
It is there your revelations await

Engtovo ~ October 18, 2005

Truth Finally Spoken

It comes out in the open
That which is long since known
Its harsh presentation is punctuated with intensity
Truth finally spoken
No matter how unbalanced
It is sad
But spoken it is free
Its depth is overwhelming
There is no self responsibility therein
Blame me for all that has happened
Blame me for all that has not
All that will happen
All that will not
He knows not what is inside
He cannot see the steps or growth
He looks only for actions of his desire
That is not his right
He attached himself to my outcome
How absurd is that
He was on hold
Waiting
Watching
For me to prove to him what I have said
Also not his right
I will prove nothing
Not to him or any other
My journey is my journey
It does not need to be proven
It simply exists
He is upset about my relationship with spirit
When I am not
Simply an expression of how little he knows of what’s inside me
He feels he was replaced by two people whose energies always stood beside me
He has never discovered himself
Only sees himself through me somehow
It is beyond my comprehension
He is angry at me for being mortal
Yet in life with him that is all I’ve ever been
My journey will complete in divine time
He will not be there to witness.

Engtovo ~ October 18, 2005

The Movement Continues

I believe everything is for a reason
Yet it feels like a waste
11 years for what
Just to understand that it made no difference
Is that what took me 11 years to learn
How do you express compassion
Without giving over to attachment
How do you relate to family
And care while letting go of the outcome
It was all so important to me
I sacrificed so much of my own life
I thought it mattered
But now it appears it didn’t
Nothing was truly changed
Only the form that the dysfunction expresses in
Not the dysfunction itself
My heart aches
And while I am vulnerable
I am attacked by one who wants
Power
Wisdom
Strength
All that I possess
As if he could actually get it by attacking
It is sad that in depth
He resents me that much
Is it a curse or a blessing to see truth
Both I imagine
You wish you could just shut it out and ignore it
But you know you cannot live the other way
All this was destined to happened
Because I cared as a mortal cares
Not as a Master cares
Now how do I detach
Truly
Fully
I am despised by my own family
Because they do not want to change
And I have spent years trying to help them change
How do I stop my heart from hurting
That they do not want to heal
I know that I am different
I have always known that
My desire for truth and healing
Has consumed me
I could never understand
Why they do not share in that passion
But they do not
I must let go
Leave them in dysfunction
And choose to live my life
Expressing joy
In the truth God has given me
Did you want me to spend these years this way God
Or was I using free will
And you simply turned it to serve me
Was there another path for me
One free of all this
Or was this the only way through
There is an empty place inside my heart now
I ask you to fill
Show me the trail to take from here
You have shown me the visions of the other way
That is what I want
My heart is ripped open
That which was trapped inside can be freed
It’s time
I’m so tired of the endless expectation of others
They think they know
What I should do
What I shouldn’t do
How I should act
What I should feel
How I should express
When they won’t even look at themselves
They won’t come out and express these things
They just hold it in their energy and project it at me
Where are you in them God
Where is your focus
Why don’t they have it
Or why can’t they find it
All I know is I have it
It lives in me
Even when my mortal expression fears or doubts
There is something bigger there
Living in me
Directing the energy
Divine intelligence
Divine principle
It is there in them
Is it simply latent
Are they afraid to embrace it
Is there no room for it
Simply they have refused to seek it out
Refused to go within where it awaits
I want around me those who have sought it
Those who embrace it
Those focused to live it
Those whose hearts are unable to stop moving
Like magnets drawn to the Creator
The movement continues
No matter the reaction of the others

Engtovo ~ January 30, 2005

Don’t Tell Me

Don’t tell me who I am
Don’t tell me what I believe
These things are between me and my Creator
If you were in tune with me
In tune with the Creator you would know these things
You would not need to tell me what you thought
Because your heart would have the truth already
My healing journey has been internal
Even though I have shared some things
There is no way to share the whole of my experience
I know what I hold
I know what I release
Don’t tell me what to do
Don’t tell me who to choose
Look inside instead of placing issues upon me
I am not you
I will forever be myself
My journey is laid out before me
Creator speaks to my heart and intuition guides me
Every path I take is for my highest good
Why do you think you know better for me
Than Creator through my intuition
Don’t tell me my future
Don’t tell me my past
These things are for me to determine
My future is where I go
Not where you fear I will go
My past is only perspective that I give to it
Something you have no control over
I am fully self responsible for both
Don’t tell me your reality
Don’t tell me I can’t believe in magic
Your fear and cynicism will not deter me
I walk through this world on my own terms
If you are afraid to trust the energy that I embrace
That is between you and the Creator
If you can not see me for who I am in truth
If you cannot respect my choices
Just don’t tell me anything

Engtovo ~ January 21, 2005

Toxic Food Addiction

Toxic holiday food

How can it be a celebration

Giving thanks

By poisoning my body

Keeping myself sick after nearly 20 years of suffering

Is that what I am to be thankful for

Is that the legacy of this family

It is just sickness of the spirit

Sickness of the emotions

There is no prayer at these gatherings

No true gratefulness

No actual celebration

Just gluttony of poison foods

And it then flows right into the supposed celebration of the Christ

Again with the same poison meal

Destroying my Christ temple

This will be the last

Never again will I participate

Celebrations must be that, a celebration

Not a food fest

There should be prayer

Song

Joy and laughter

None of those exist in this ritual

If it means I never spend another holiday with this family of birth

So be it

I must be true to myself

Take care of myself

My body temple

I know what my body needs

And what It does not want

This holiday toxic meal is only a symptom

Of a larger daily ritual

I have no support here for my wellbeing

I choose to support myself

Even if that means cutting out of my life

People who will not support my wholeness

Almost 20 years is almost 20 years too long

For what

For a sick ritual

That somehow is the tie that binds this family

An addiction that will not be addressed by any other than me

They support only my weakness in this addiction

So that in my weakness I do not ask them to look at their own

It is the worst kind of co-dependence

I take myself out of the mix

And call to my life people who can support me making healthy choices for me

There will be no more toxic holiday food

There will be no more toxic daily food

I will not eat out of addiction at all

But only to support my precious life

With love taking in

Only that which does not poison me

They will do what they will in their own space

I am far away now

If they come to visit me

They will eat healthy while they are in my home

Or they will stay in their own

They will not be allowed to attempt to come to me and drag me back into that gutter

That is my chosen boundary

Any who attempt such will not be welcome in my sacred space

Period

This is done now Creator

I know you support me in this

Engtovo ~ November 10, 2004

Your Voice

Your voice in my head

So integrated into my thought

I do not recognize it is you

I have accepted it as me

As my reality

But it is not

It is one final lie

That eats me alive

You had no purpose in passing it on to me

You were not even aware

I learned by observing

By wanting from you

What you were unable to give

It was not given to you

From the generations past

It is time to end this lie

To stop giving it power

Your voice in my head must cease now

I have other things to do

I only have time for the voice of my true self

The voice of my spirit allies

And the voice of the Creator

I see how your voice limited my experience

Stopped my joy

My expression

Not what you would have wanted for me

Nor what I want for myself

I consciously change it today

I have found a lost part of myself

Held hostage by your voice

Now it is set free

And my life is reborn

Engtovo ~ September 6, 2004

Fly Away

Why do you do it

Why do you want to place on me

Hopelessness and despair

The belief that if you cannot accomplish something

That I cannot accomplish it

Good luck you say

How disgusting that is

The negativity permeates everything you do

Would it be so hard to say

I wish you well

I hope you do it

I want the best for you

I want you to accomplish anything that will bring you joy

Perhaps even I have faith in you

Of course that would be a lie

You have no faith in me

Because you have no faith in yourself

No faith in God

No faith period

It is sad

And it tires me to live in your sadness

I will not let it in

You do not define me and what I can accomplish

Any more than our father does

I define myself through the Creator

Your desire for me to fail in order to validate your lack of faith is your issue

I will not validate your refusal of joy

I cast you off

I cast off that part of you that reflects dad in me

I have no limitation

Unless I choose to be limited

You may choose to remain there

It will be hard to watch

But watch I will

I will not live there with you

You will have to watch me fly away

Engtovo ~ September 6, 2004

Transmutation of Family

Sentimental journeys will come later

This time is for good byes

They are sweet and sorrowful at once

Proof that the goal was accomplished

The contracts fulfilled

There is no space to dwell with this change as it happens

The outpouring of emotion

That sits on the edge of our consciousness will come after parting

Four different ways we spread

Like the four winds

To seek our own place in the creation

We will all take solace in the knowing

That what we did was most unusual

Enveloping the whole into an energy

No one else will truly be able to know the being of

There is no grief in the spirit

It is mind that must purge emotions here

The spirits are now free to fly the gentle breezes of beauty

Each to the best of their own ability

Unencumbered

We are now in this shedding of skin

Our freedom rips and tears at us

But we will not stop to bother with what has been shed

The transmutation of family is at hand

Engtovo ~ November 9, 2002

Mother

Mother – define this word

As a definition escapes me from experience in this body alone

I can return before this body and find ample definition

But when I do it only serves to make defining the term in this body

All the more gruesome of a task

What creates a mother that can have her heart closed

Even to her own children

This defies my understanding at a level so deep

That this one question alone

If answered

Perhaps has the potential to solve all of the earth’s problems

What happens to the essence of a woman

That she could create life within her

And in any form

Emotional, physical, mental or spiritual

Seek to destroy that very life

How can a mother’s heart be filled with envy for her own child

And wish to stop that child from succeeding

From having joy and a good life

How deep does her shadow have to control her

How can a mother take credit for anything good her child has ever done

To be ok in herself

She must hold her own child down in some form

What kind of mother wishes to steal a child’s self respect and self reliance

In order to serve herself

One who would sacrifice the lives and happiness of all her children

To not be alone herself

Instead of living her life and not being alone by being alive

What a coward such a woman must be

What depth of self hatred she must carry

And yet even with understanding of this

I still cannot understand how it came to be so

How can she look right into my eyes

And attempt to deceive and manipulate me

How can she live with knowing how she has hurt us all

And not want to change

But continue forth the same

How shut down do you have to be

To be that completely self centered

That you cannot even see your own child’s pain staring back at you

What kind of woman can’t even accept self responsibility for these things

When her daughter offers her total forgiveness and new beginning

But instead she digs in more determined to control for her own ends

Each and every part of me that I have hated and have healed was a part of her

How did I find my own heart in the midst of her energies

In every part of my life

As much as I have always wanted children

I am grateful that they did not come

That I did not offer them

The part of me that I modeled after her

In my young ignorance

I turned to God and got a true reflection to model

And prayed she would do the same

But she did not

I have given her 8 years this time for this healing

This only because of a child

That my heart would not see grow up

With only her view of the world

What does mother mean

I cannot define it by my own

For she is the definition of what is not a mother

So I will move forth on my own now

With only the earth for my mother

And allow God to heal within me

What is left to heal

In relation to mother

Engtovo ~ April 9, 2002

Walk Away

Like salt rubbing deeply into old wounds

The acts of deception continue forth

In a flurry of oblivious moments

The owl is watching

It seeks through each and every dark act

And hollers out… who

She hears not

Choice has caused her selective deafness

The agendas move on with no participants

When will she notice there are no actors for her scenes

I am at a crossroads

I have been here before

Each time I arrive I have greater understanding

Times past I have chosen my direction in levels of anger

Stronger than levels of understanding

Now a shift has occurred and understanding is greater than anger

Yet the chosen road clearly now the same

Walk away

There are no pawns left for her to suck me back in

There is no confusion for me to return thinking my anger needs resolution

I am free

I choose with anger and understanding of my choice

Not rigidly or with the charge of never or forever

Just simply

Walk away

I have done my time

And akin to an inmate

The prison has become a place known and safe even in its oppression

What lies beyond the gates of this compound is enticing

This has filled me with fear until now

This moment freedom has washed those fears away

I enact myself

My power

And clearly state no more

I do not give you my power

I walk away

Engtovo ~ April 9, 2002

For Eric

Love endures for lifetimes and reaches back and forward to touch beyond reference of time

Tiny hands reach out to me with healing not telling me what they will bring me

With transition after transition

Life force changes not once but twice each time unique and so special is the energy to my heart

Many hearts of one life each to make a whole that is divine in each piece of one personal puzzle

One awakens and heals the wounded heart in me

Small arms with absolute innocence call to me to come to service

pushing me to seek the answers that I desire about Samantha

telling me with loving knowing that she and I are ok

That we still have love in the midst of great loss

After separation sought for my own survival as a woman desiring to have heart

I struggle in retuning to this family and your grandmother,

whom I do not trust with the depth of my pain and loss of my daughter

But you are there

Your love is so pure, so absolute

You do not call for your mother,

Or cry for your home as seen by the world

Content in my home

In my arms we just reach to each other

We take adventures together and my heart heals the painful loss of child

and ending of addiction in your presence

My time with you is the time I learn what simple joy is

The mind suspended from thoughts of worry or pain in you presence

We exist in the moment

These days lead me to conscious contact with the spirits who guide us

You expound your wisdom upon us all and fill us with laughter

Embracing spirit in the way only purity can

You show us how it can be done

In our ignorance we have no idea what you are teaching us

until so many years later

The times shift with this awakening

Kindergarten and Halloween and time posts pass among us

In these experiences I can ignore the attempts of your grandmother to shut us down

I am simultaneously aware and oblivious to her manipulation

It is a time of excitement and fun

Until the dark force surfaces and the awakener must move on

To bring one who strengthens and protects me preparing me for loss again and again

The awakener gone the grounded force of the protector arrives

He returns to his mother of birth to face the force of darkness that we have unknowingly called into our lives

Heartbroken we say goodbye, and let go, thinking it is forever.

We move on with our hearts but shells of their previous expression

Looking for love with my a mind full of expectation,

I can’t even see the error of my ways

I cannot even feel that my heart is not functioning or why

Pain becomes me as the norm

I long for a child again, to feel

but none come

Then unexpectedly you return to me and journey to Sedona

the caretaker of our journey into discernment

You bring with you the power of angels and hope enters that the heart will love fully again

Our time there is short and painful and the separations within our family deepens

As the grandmother attempts to keep bonds of love from forming

You hold us close and keep us focused on the work at hand

Reminding me not to forget joy and creativity in the midst of the pain

In Colorado now

We prepare for your birthday with no idea what is about to hit

I trust my intuitive and we have a special party of pizza,

just us two

Not knowing it is parting

We return to a birthday of being ripped apart

You stolen from our web of healing hearts

To be returned to your mother once again as punishment to us all for daring to attempt to heal,

By the grandmother whose heart has been closed longer than we have been alive

I have only the strength you showed me in the months previous to hold me through this gut wrenching departure

I watch as the car drives away

Your new bike hanging out for which I was not able to teach you to ride.

Walk into the house to face your birthday cake untouched.

Pained so deep promising this time the heart will be suppressed forever

The protector has moved on

Yet to bring a third who is a kindred spirit

More than a child,

a friend in waiting

One who understands what appears to others as something not understandable

The angel arrives of the ashes of the universal souls who held the body awaiting his arrival

He is shaken by the circumstances of his birth into the body of 8 years

A family in ruins lays around him like broken glass shattered on the floor

Words unspoken echo through his existence leaving him with only an empty space to endure

No adults around him know his intent his desire that includes them all

He pushes on as Soul

His mind in survival mode his heart shut down on the surface to the pain of the moment

His life moving moment to moment,

out of his control,

as a child by the dark influence of his world

His mother unable to shift the energy of the petty tyrants she calls into her life

Cut away from his previous expressions I suffer an empty existence as well

Heart closed tightly as a second loss of pure love of child is too much for this heart

I go through motions lost to that which is most important

communication closed there is no knowing of what you do

how you feel

how you grow

even where you are

I end a marriage that was born in the emptiness and grasping of loss of the awakener

The truth of which is surfaced by the loss of the protector

I am called back to Arizona once again

Once again the grandmother finds Myself and Randy and uses you to call us forth

There is no way for either of us not to respond

We have yet to meet the one now in body and yet we cannot stay away

Spirit has placed me in a position where returning to the grandmother is presented as my only choice

I did not then know

That it was spirit returning me to you

and giving me back the power of my heart,

The beginning of my true journey to mastery.

A journey we would take together in more ways than not

We would use the grandmother as the petty tyrant,

the nemesis of heart,

The constant reminder of what a closed heart looked like

What we did not want to be

We would traverse the world of dyslexia and find it’s gifts and strengths

And find that together we share a kinship that is of true soul family

Born of choice not obligation

From this place we have come eight years of trials and tribulation

With the guidance of the divine we have taught ourselves communication and honesty

And found through discussion with each other and spirit values and morals that our hearts could understand

That will take us into a new way

As friends and as family

We have effected the lives of many by the choices we made as souls building a family from scratch out of ruins

I have put up with manipulation and I have endured control of your grandmother

I have lied to myself, with the excuse, it is to serve my own healing

To end patterns

I cannot say it was not used to that end for it was

But to say in truth that the intent of these choices was anything else but love for you

and true desire to continue to be your mother would be more of this denial

Group denial we shared as a family

Denial I allowed even myself so that I did not have to admit to myself the depth of love I have for you in my heart

Thinking in so doing, if I had to lose you again I could endure it through self delusion of having control over the extent of my love for you

Now it is I who is moving on as you are grown and ready to be a man

The next steps of my journey lay before me with heart open to receive it fully for the first time in all these years we have been healing together and this denial cannot be left un-shattered

This love left fully unspoken

We have been given an opportunity over these last couple years to approach this denial

Little bits at a time safely

Your mother would claim you of body and of worldly view

Your grandmother would claim you of ego and control

But I have no need of claim over you for our mother child bond is not of claims or possession

It is of heart and of truth

It cannot be claimed any more than it could be denied

It simply is, what is

I love you with all that I am and that is constant and unchanging

You are a part of me as much as if you were born of my womb

You are the most incredible human being

I am proud to have been able to help you to find your way though this insanity

Or was it the other way around?

All parents love their children

But I wonder how many honestly like them as I do you,

or simply enjoy their company.

I see in you so many gifts and talents and I know you will use them all to serve humanity

How did we raise each other in the midst of suffering and keep the seed of joy that the awakener gave to us both?

I am not sure how any of it happened

We made sacrifices to make it so, that I do know

I want you to know I would make them all again.

There is no sacrifice I made to help you become the man you are now, that was not worth, every moment

You are worth that much to me and to the world with the love you bring forth just by being here on this planet

Without you I would not be who I am

I cannot even imagine who I would be and don’t even want to try

Don’t ever allow anyone to lessen your true heart

It is precious

Keep it open

Continue to love no matter how many losses life could present to you

No matter how many “grandmas” may present themselves into your life

Love is all that maters

That I know as fact for it is you, in your trinity of forms, who made sure I could not forget it

Thank you for coming to earth and especially to me

I Love You

Engtovo ~ February 19, 2002

December’s Chill

Dreams born into sabotage

Breaking the heart

December’s brisk air moves in

Chilling my blood

Leaving me still and wondering

What will next heal

What will remain for further inspection

Passed down grief

Moves through this house

Issues float past each room

Looking for a magnetic connection

Honesty required to see fully is embraced

Still the air chills me here

Drums beating in the background fill my attention

I feel the rhythm pull me

It moves in geometric patterns around my mind

And through my heart

Through the sabotage the healing sought is offered

Dreams come forth once again

Those in purity manifest before me

Others make their way back to the rhythm

Perhaps to come forth

When December’s chill is finished

Engtovo ~ December 1, 2001

Give Me The Tools I Pray

So tired of the energy fight

Why can’t she sabotage herself without attempting to take me down with her

The resentment is eating me alive

How do I live in the arena of her self deception

Fill me God

Give me strength

Don’t let me give in to old ways of hate

How do I love and accept love from someone who tries to lower me

Lessen me

I can’t fight this fight anymore

Yet I cannot give in for If I do I will die

I cannot let her presence guide me with her ignorance

How do I guide myself uninfluenced by all she does

I must leave here God

There is no way to stop the energetic fight and be in this space together

Not that I can see

If there isI question my ability to take that road if I did see it

I am asking for the tools

The understanding

The love to overcome such an enemy

One who loves you with limitation

Loves you right to your death or destruction

One who cannot see that that death and destruction is what they held out for you

What they pushed you toward

You fought

You pushed back

One day if you stop

Surely you will simply be pushed over the edge of the abyss

Where death and destruction await

She will cry and whine and feel no understanding of her part

She will claim herself the victim of my loss

The sufferer of my pain

I feel sick in the thinking of her and this journey

I wonder how so much healing can occur

But the basic element of our relationship remains toxic

Why am I still here

What is left to see

I have prayed, meditated, healed

What can be left

Am I to die or destruct here

Is she just someone I use to aid in my self destruction

I’ve come to the point where I honestly do not want to die

Or destruct

Is that the point

Staying until I want to live, to love fully

Want to thrive not just survive or exist

If more fighting of the energy is required

You will have to do it God

For I have nothing more left within me to fight with

I have little left to heal with

And yet you fill me continuously

How can this be

How can I be depleted

Everything in your universe is available to me

How can it not be enough to sustain me in my truth

What power do I give her that she should wield it so

How do I stop giving of this power,

this will,

this flow

I have prayed and asked for a gentle loving parting

Now I feel as if my life my very survival is on the line

Although my heart wishes for a parting that is loving

My mind no longer cares

It can be angry parting

My mind is now fighting for me

For my survival instead of against me

Mind body and soul all cry out with deep emotion

To liveI must go now God

Show me the way

Give me the tools to thrive

Take my hand

Walk me out the door

I feel like I have been wandering around with no homeland

No sacred space

No rhythm that is mine

Not because I do not have it but because I have no place to express it

No energy space free of thoughts of those that want to limit me

I want to go home

I want to have a sacred space to hold pure

I want to choose who to allow into it and for what and how long

Maybe I am just too sensitive for this world

Perhaps my prayer should be for a cave

Where I would dwell only with you

See only you

Talk only to you

I know your strength dwells within me

I use it often

Where is it now

I don’t even want to be strong

I want to be away forever from this woman and all who are like her

If she sucked my energy and yours through me and used it in service

Perhaps I could find some basis of understanding

But she sucks it and lets it dissipate and be wasted

She wants me ill so I will remain

It is a sick game

Please give me the tools and understanding to stop it

To end my part

Today

This moment

Let me be free of this

I pray

Engtovo ~ November 6, 2001

Goodbye So Long

Goodbye

So long

Not forever

Not with door shut

But doors left open

A journey commences

It is not a leaving

Although leaving is required

It is not abandonment of what has been

But a time of healthy transition

This has always been on God’s time

Not mortal

And God has spoken loudly

It is time

This is not sad

But joyous

It is fruition of hard work

Not just for one but for us all

It is confirmation

Of that which is to come

It is freedom from the past

Allowing the new future to be built

With a foundation that is strong and pure

Welcome this day

It is acknowledgment

Of right action

Goodbye

So Long

Don’t grieve

For there is no loss

There is no truth to be painful about

Locations change

But hearts and connections remain

For any who choose to make it so

I will not contain my joy with the fear of any

I have earned my freedom

Though God

It is my creation

I will remain accessible

I am not removing my spirit from this world

Only moving my body and expression

To a new place that is mine in fullness

Goodbye

So long

Until we meet again

Engtovo ~ November 1, 2001

Siblings

My brothers be entangled in God’s ways and in mine

We twins brought out of the womb like two who are bonded beyond location

Experiences bond another beyond location as well

Yet another awaits the return of us all with quiet resignation to our flaws

My sisters be entangled in God’s ways and in mine

Child bonds one to me beyond location

The other awaits us all with song and unconditional love to heal our flaws

Siblings in mortal and in divine expression

Bonded by choice and by birth

Our web reaches out to touch one another

The miles cannot be of barrier

The touch is of hearts with common understanding

Common is our love and our view

Arguments cannot affect the common aspects between us

There are no people that can cause a tear in our structure

No thought, no deed, no fear

Forever we shall remain as siblings

Bonded beyond location

Engtovo ~ May 25, 2001

Daddy

My pony whispers in my ear daddy

repeating the words you’ll never hear

confidant in fur

only he knows the 10 year old inside

why don’t you?

Where is your game this week daddy

do I have to go?

I’ve things I’d rather do

how would you ever know?

Church on Sunday all proper daddy

does it mean a thing?

we eat grapefruit and Sara Lee

before we go

it’s a ritual it seems

can we go to church without it?

I’ve things I’d rather do daddy

explain to me the point

It’s too bad you don’t know

why it is we go

Do you feel like a proper family man daddy

going through these rituals each week

do you even notice daddy

we don’t even speak?

Let’s go camping daddy

perhaps you’ll come and swim

i’ll have your full attention

If only for a short time

Why did mommy leave daddy

do you even know?

everyone is so confused

only my pony will listen to what I’m feeling

I’m moving in with mom daddy

will you notice when I’m gone?

I’ve given away all my toys daddy

you took them to Goodwill

I think I can’t be a child anymore

who will be the adult?

So I see you sold my pony daddy

I never said goodbye

to you or to him

I didn’t know I needed to daddy

why didn’t you tell me

you would leave with him

leaving me with the illusion that your were ever there

only to know you were not one day

I heard you got married daddy

why didn’t you invite me to the wedding

am I so insignificant a player?

12 year olds have feelings too

I see she has 2 children

both younger than I

perhaps you are starting over

and I am no longer your daughter

was I ever your daughter?

We are moving far away daddy

1800 miles

will you notice that I’m missing?

I tell everyone here about you daddy

how wonderful you are

I almost convinced myself

with those lies

I had a baby daddy

she died right before she was born

you never knew I was pregnant

until you found out what I mourned

would you have dropped everything

and come daddyIf you had known about her at all

no, I understand, your busy

if she had lived you would have

not known her at all

like me

I hope your step children

give you great joy daddy

they are truly the only kids you have

not because of death or great tragedy daddy

only because you didn’t choose to have us

no one kept you away daddy

no angry words were spoken

you were just absent

i’m glad you have them daddy

because you don’t have me

Now I’m 36 daddy

is that a surprise to you?

i’ve told you how I felt in a letter daddy

I think you even heard

but actions are unchanging

and my energy is drained

I’ve found forgiveness daddy

for all the missing years

I’ve come to understand

your oblivious nature and fears

I cannot continue daddy

to propagate this farce

of a father daughter relationship

I truly love you daddy

spent my life trying to prove my worth

now I am through

I am going through a rebirth

I’m cutting you out of my life daddy

in an official declaration

not born in anger

but given to self as a gift

I will never again wonder

if you will call or remember

what you will think of something I do, think, say, or express.

what you will say about my spiritual path

my choices

my life

I’m saying goodbye daddy

I’m giving away with grace

all the pain

the fear

the regret

the unworthiness

I don’t mean to hurt you daddy

as the years have brought you to feel guilt

of the lack of relationship you have

with myself

with my siblings

I’m declaring only my freedom

from bonds of pain we share

It is my right to live in joyousness

to do so I shall let you go

as if I ever had you to begin with

I had grasping and insecurity

these I’ve carried through my life… my relationships

I am simply ceasing to grasp

I hope the rest of your life daddy

is filled with healing

and moments of grace

so you will not have to repeat this pattern again

in another incarnation

another daughter

alone without you to count on.

I wish I could count on you daddy

so I had not called others into my life

to reflect you to my unhealed heart

and waste so many precious years

with pain and anger and bitterness

now those days are over

Goodbye daddy

I’ll be buying a pony now

a confidant in fur

who will let loose the healed 10 year old inside

I could always count on him to be there daddy

maybe you need a pony too

Engtovo ~ July 22, 1999

Transition from the Show

Come what may I must be true

To what is right for me

Transition can be fast or slow

Quick can be chaotic, but clarity reigns true

Slow is what we have been experiencing

Although the preparation is known

and the transition seen coming for a long time

The wrenching apart is more than chaotic

It is the fall of an institution

The crumbling of a false foundation

That was believed in wholeheartedly

by each of us in our own illusion

playing our unique part

There are none without responsibility

No victims

No villains

But as we transition

Who will be left to feel victimized?

And who may carry the guilt of the villain?

Release… let go… be

Do what is right and good for self spirit has said

It must be right and good for all

Or it could not be right and good for self

Even if the all is blind… to the right… and the good

We have continued to honor our parts…

Choose to rewrite this part to a higher vibration

And clearly you are simply a prima donna

So special must you be

That you would dare to rewrite your part

Change the dynamic of the play… the show… the drama

Perhaps your unwarranted changes

Will not bring favor in the world

And the show will close to nasty reviews

The all of your cast will be

Jobless… Cast out… Angry… and bitter

The fault placed where it is seen to belong

And guilt placed upon the shoulders of the faulted one

With expectations of its acceptance

The guilt will not be shouldered any longer

The run of the show was foreseen in advance

The knowledge was shared, so all could prepare

And simply the cast all chose not to

The torment and fear… anger and bitterness… is of their own making

Should one cast member set aside

Joy… Happiness… wisdom… freedom

And perfection of divine spirit

For the torment self created by the rest?

ABSURD! Says the spirit of the divine

There are tickets out of the show

Handed out free by the Father

Didn’t the cast see him offer?

One opened a hand and received the ticket

And transformed the show

Foreseen as playing the role of prima donna

As this one walks out of the theater and closes the door

There is no looking back

This one has been freed

Simply by noticing the ticket that said FREE

The cast will go on with a transition of plays

Without their star player

A new star will have to be tailored

They’ll weep and they’ll whine… they’ll complain

All the while wanting what they refuse to see

And wondering why they cannot have it

With every transition from the show they will reorganize again

And start it all over

Never seeing the free ticket

Resenting any who do

Because the play is their focus

… and the show must go on

Once you’ve transitioned from the show

You may observe now and then

From high in the balcony

Your perspective now changed

What was once your high drama

Has become the finest of comedies

You laugh loud and hearty

And clap and stomp your feet

Acknowledging a fine performance

Perhaps the best that you’ve seen

As you look down upon the theater

You remember the walk up the long isle

Leading you to the door

Remembering the energy being sent your way

By angry cast members that preordained day

From your perch in the balcony

You see much the same cast

Playing the same characters as before you left

The anguish you felt has long since past

Your heart filled with love and forgiveness

For all in your cast

As you stand to leave and offer your applause

Don’t forget to thank them

For in playing their parts

They catapulted you to the door

Although they resented you for walking through it

They also gained knowledge that it could be done

And in offering these thank yous

You send love… and vibrations of divinity…

In the form of a ticket that says FREE

Engtovo ~ November 13, 1997