My Take On Thrive The Movie

A local here in town arranged for this documentary to be shown at the community center on 11-11 and enough people showed up that he arranged to show it again at the local theater.  It was a free showing for the people that came and it was a fairly big group for our little tiny town.

 

I left the movie with mixed feelings, on the one hand it did a fabulous job of moving from one complex set of problems to another touching on most of the basics that those of us who have been watching The Powers That Be for years are all well aware of.  I thought this is a really great overview of the issues and power structure that is working diligently to rob plunder and rape all of humanity.  On the other hand it started with alien disclosure and a lot of assumptions about the ET activity with no reference to any possibility that some of these technologies are our own black ops type groups from around the world.  We know that the disclosure project and Steven Greer are part of the false ET threat kind of agenda, and that all tied into free energy technology.  I have always thought if they were to try and pull off a false ET thing they would need to have these new found ET friends give us something to “help” our planet in order to pull that off.   But I allowed myself to flow past that and just watch.

Then we entered the phase of information about the problems which was the part that was well put together.  It is when we came to the supposed solutions part that my heart sank and I knew that this production was not all that it seemed.  In fact it even included David Icke talking about the Problem – Reaction  – Solution scenario  when in fact this movie is itself showing us the problem(s) to get our reaction then offering solutions that are not solutions at all.

I wanted to believe that Foster Gamble an heir to the Proctor and Gamble fortune was truly the idealist he portrayed himself, because both he and his wife gave Oscar worthy performances, and maybe they believe some of their own shit who knows.  Here is the thing, the solution was some kind of utopian society created by getting rid of the federal reserve, cutting the pentagon budget in half, and making smaller government.  Nothing about reining in the corporations he had just demonized.  I have to ask who in the congress would cut the military budget in half?  They are bought and paid for by the corporations who profit off the military industrial complex.  So that cannot happen within the current system.  The changes the system would need to be even semi functional would have to be made by the people who are put into office by the dysfunctional system.  They will never do it, because the system’s money put them there, so making those changes would require ,as they like to refer to it in the mainstream media, regime change and an a updated constitution.

In his utopia we would all have more money, and comfort, more time off to enjoy it, and yet we would still be a capitalist society with banks, money and a stock market and we would have used all the money saved from the pentagon to clean up the planet so the air and water would be pure.  Hmmm, this is after he went to great lengths earlier to explain to us how money is fake, in fact he once again allowed David Icke to explain it.  So he wants to keep the pretend money on computers and pretend investments and the economic slavery to big corporate masters, just a friendlier cleaner version.

He claims a big awakening and yet anyone looking around can see that even this supposedly big awakening will be lucky to be 5%  to 10% of the world population and the rest will continue to work their personal agendas.  I really long for the days when the idealist in me could have been ignorant enough to believe any of this solution he offered up, but alas what I usually refer to as my cynicism (but I should call realism) knows that even if we could reverse those numbers and 90-95% woke up a bunch of people attempting to rebuild will in their imperfection recreate so many of the same systems that create the issues.  Weirdly I am still an idealist but my idealism is not born in any energy that thinks this world society can be saved.  In fact my idealism goes beyond a world in need of any form of money.

Speaking of money, Mr. Gamble has released his utopian Problem – Solution – Reaction as a for profit venture.  If he were the idealist he claims to be this information would be far too important not to get out there for free.  He though, has “investors” who are all unnamed so we know not who bought him and his movie.  He also asks for donations as well and claims they will go to help provide his solutions.  He gives us the tried and true new age “exchange of energies” argument in relation to all those who work on the movie, that they deserve to be compensated for their work.  Well Mr. Gamble you grew up and have always lived in privilege, no doubt you could afford to pay them for their work with no great hardship if this is really your passion and life’s journey as you claim.  Interestingly aside from admitting at the beginning that he is an heir to the Proctor and Gamble fortune he did not mention his family’s company, and all the destructive things they have done to earth, or offer a single solution that his own family would offer up for this utopia.

He did though offer up solutions for us little people, we could give to the organizations that his website recommends, hmm big surprise, solution A. is always turn over our money!  He suggested we could vote with our wallet by buying organic and non GMO and so forth.  Great idea Foster,  if you would like to pony up the cash for those less fortunate to shop the high priced more earth friendly things I would jump right on board,  Unfortunately most of us have not lived in privilege and don’t have that option.  That also assumes that anyone could get congress to pass legislation to label GMO products so anyone knew what they were buying.  These are the kind of solutions that are always offered up by people who have never had to live without millions of dollars.  He explained how we would in his utopia magically have more disposable income to pay off our houses and cars.  Well Mr. Gamble, plenty of people don’t have a house or a car at all, let alone one they own in tandem with a bank in need of being paid off, and I am not talking about those in third world counties I am talking about right here in the good ‘ol USA.

The base assumption of all solutions was that all people are good and will act with integrity, honesty and ethics.  God my heart would love to believe that, but my version is this; All people above a certain spiritual vibration will act in that way.  Those below that vibration may or may not depending on what they want, power, money, whatever.  It is not as if The Powers That Be are forcing people to murder, rape and do other heinous things to one another.  Those are issues of personal ethics and morality, when it comes down to it, they do not come from governments, churches or any other organization.  Personal ethical moral behavior comes from a choice you make from your own center.  All we need to do is look around to see the obvious reality that too few people are at that center, making those kinds of ethical choices.

The best part of the whole documentary for me was really showing how the torus energies and geometries move within all the structures of the universe.  This really is a great 3d depiction of what I have always called the universal life force.  It is at the essential aspect of the fully open and cycling kundalini that is the first awaking of the sphere (containing the human version of the 64 Tetrahedron) which eventually brings humans to an ascended state.  It must first find its balance, and with the human that means soul purification.  There is no definite time for that to happen it is unique to each person.   They must first get their kundalini open and fully awake, and then they must take the steps to form the sphere and get all those energies working as they were intended before the purification (balancing) can begin.  There is a moment in the movie where they show a balancing energy in process that included the 4 direction around the sphere, where the elemental chakras reside.

Overall I think that anyone who needs a good overview of a lot of the issues on earth right now and who is behind them, presented in a concise easy to follow manor may want to see this movie.  Just go into it knowing up front that there is an obvious agenda.

The torus; The underlying structure of the torus is the Vector Equilibrium, or “VE.” It is the blueprint by which nature forms energy into matter.  In order for the pattern to show up at every scale, there must be a way for organisms to grow while maintaining proportion among their parts. There is one spiral vortex in nature that accomplishes this. It’s called the phi spiral and can be seen as everything comes into form, from tiny ferns to giant galaxies.  The phi spiral in one direction will often be seen counterbalanced with another one in the opposite direction – called the Phi Double Spiral.

When you put all three aspects of the pattern together – the torus, the VE, and Phi spirals – you end up with one whole pattern that looks like sorta like this pic I found on the internet which has elements I was trying to draw with no talent for drawing in these diagrams from the site dealing with the sacred sphere, the elemental chakras and kundalini.  With the eternal circle diagram being the horizontal disc at the center

 

torus

 

eternal circle inside sphere elementals

11-11-11 Fractal Patterns and Rhythms

Here we are again, the big 11-11-11 and yet it really isn’t!  The world functions with rhythms, some are short like the 24 hour Circadian rhythm, others take thousands of years to come back to the starting point.  From the most basic workings of life to the movement of the solar system and galaxy, rhythms interact and move all life.  Human beings are always trying to place themselves within those rhythms and to understand how we fit in to the greater scheme of things.  These rhythms are fractal patterns which energy follows for all life is energy.  Different energies express in different fractal patterns.

When conception occurs it begins a fractal pattern of potential.  Why potential?  Because the fertilized egg may never implant itself in the womb and begin to grow, it may simply pass out of the body for various reasons, physical or spiritual.  From the spiritual point of view for implantation to occur a Soul must be willing to connect energetically at the time of implantation.  Now no doubt there are many scientists who don’t want to hear it, but I could care less.  So there is a second fractal pattern that begins at the moment of implantation, a growth cycle.  There is yet another pattern that begins at birth with first breath when the Soul actually enters the body.  The breath cycle corresponds to the renewal of a 7 year cycle.  This seven year cycle is connected to longevity and mortality.  When we move through various ascension steps on the path this breath cycle increases due to the increase in vibration that is taking place. (more on that later)

These are only three of hundreds of very personal cycles each person is moving through within their own body.  We also try to place ourselves into the solar system though various methods of astrology.  We can calculate the patterns of the planets and how much time passes between certain configurations.  Because the shorter of these cycles exist within much bigger cycles astrology is once again a very personal thing.  We can’t say everyone born on January 1st has the same energies, let alone everyone who is a Capricorn.  We can only say they have certain energies available to them in truth.

While most of the cycles we look to are in nature in some form, we also have cycles that we as humans co-create though our group consciousness and then set into a mathematical fractal pattern that we live within by choice.  Calendars we use to mark time are the most significant way in which we do this.  While we attempt to connect our calendars to lunar or solar cycles they are imperfect at best and yet we tie ourselves to them thus giving them energy and power.  When big societies live on different fractal calendars they often come into energetic conflict.  In the 20th century The Powers That Be went to great length to get the whole world to come to agreement on using the Gregorian Calendar.

The purpose of them doing this was to sync the whole world into one agreed upon fractal pattern of time.  Then their manipulated version of history could be set it in stone.  They could use that to choose groups to purposely put out of synch with one another in the divide and conquer agenda.  There is always someone attempting to figure out how to sync some of the ancient calendars to the Gregorian calendar.  In truth there are arguments about whether the Gregorian calendar even begins when it is perceived to begin in reference to historical events.  Yet here we are a world that functions as a whole on this one calendar.

Now that we are all basically in agreement with this one calendar in order to conduct worldly affairs the illuminati who set this into place use this calendar and the numerology within it to plan their events.  The use of numerology in basic metaphysics is a very old system.  Yet despite this they are still able to manipulate groups of people based on numbers and calendars without those same people doing some really simple math.

Basic numerology works with number 1-9 and the master numbers of 11 and 22.  I am not going to go into why those are master numbers because I am not writing a book here!  All larger numbers are broken down by adding the numbers together until you reach a 1-9 number 11 or 22.  Even though you do not break down the 11 or 22 you still need to recognize their place in the over all pattern as overlays of 2 and 4.

With double numbers you are always counting by 2

The Even Cycle – 11=2  22=4  33=6  44=8
The Odd Cycle  – 55=1  66=3  77=5  88=7  99=9

So if we combined the odd and even cycles following the 1-9 we would go

55 11 66 22 77 33 88 44 99

This is a pattern that naturally lends itself to chaos.  This is one reason why the use of the 11 and 22 energies is something that has to be mastered.  By manipulating times and dates these double numbers can be used within a greater pattern.  Often a pattern of three digits, most commonly found on clocks that have digital read outs, but only working between 1 O’clock to 9 O’clock  (because after that they become read outs of two two-digit numbers instead as in 11:11.

So we have for example 1:11 look what happens every time we put the same numbers into this three digit pattern…

3-6-9-fractal

We end up with a numerology fractal that only uses 3-6 and 9!  This, unlike the two digits pattern, is a very orderly pattern to work with and yet when it is broken into a time you are actually using the individual number as in 1:11 you have the one a beginning and a two digit number going in a chaos pattern interspersed into a three digit fractal that The Powers That Be can plan within.  Now mind you these plans are their plans for YOU they will always work with the most basic numbers they can for themselves, and leave the chaos numbers interwoven into their work on the masses.

Now the 3-6 -9 pattern corresponds to the creation process that is based in the trinity, The Order of Melchizeldek, The Order of Enoch, and The Order of Michael (not Archangel Michael) These three orders work in succession, the Melchizeldeks whose symbol is the triangle (3) with a circle in the middle, are the planners they create the blueprints for new creations such as a new solar system.  The Enochians are the grid workers, they are the builders, their symbol is the Enochian Star (6 pointed) star that was taken and renamed the Star of David for Illuminati purposes. The Michaelians  then are the caretakers and protectors, their symbols inverts the Melchizeldek symbol with the triangle inside a circle signifying completion and 9 is the completion number.

So the 3-6-9 pattern is used to mimic the divine creation process.  Because all of the numbers can be divided by 3 they can use this to plan, build or complete in any of the 3 6 or 9 years.  When you divide the 3-6 -9 each by 3 you obviously get 1-2-3.  Think of how many ways our communications give us messages that say essentially; it is as simple as 1, 2 3!  Anytime directions can be given in only three steps they are most effective.

A new creation on the world level is most effectively started in the 3 year, built upon in the 6 year and then completed in the 9 year. 2001 and everything that was started from the 9-11 attacks was a 3 year.  If we were to get in depth on that one 3 year event we could find all kinds of important building aspects on it in the 6 year, 2004, and the bringing of these things to full fruition in the nine year 2007.  While nine is completion we also have to remember that it corresponds to the Michaelian work, which is protection and caretaking so in that 9 year things will be done to keep the thing created safe and continuing forward into the next cycle.

The Powers That Be are not always successful in creating the initial plan of their three year. They will often attempt to make the best with what occurs when this happens to spin the situations to work their agenda through fear.  2010 another 3 year, was filled with climate and earth related events of one sort or another, we were given the BP oil spill, flooding events, the Haiti earthquake, Iceland volcano, and several other weather related things that were questionable as to their natural origin.   If things were to go on their timeline then we would expect them to either blow off the 2012 hype and then gear up and build on earth and weather related events in 2013 or start on these type of events near the December 2012 time period, to increase the fear and then take that into 2013 with martial law scenarios in the aftermath of such events.

This is where we are in the year patterns

It shouldn’t be much of a surprise that the 9-11 attacks were in a 3 year, many things happened in 2004 (the 6 year) one of which was the very significant first transit of Venus on June 7!  Venus Transits come in pairs the second in this pair is June 6, 2012.  These transits happen four times every 234 years! The last pair of Venus Transits were December 9, 1874 & December 6, 1882

So they were very busy building the fear that year because Venus is the planet of LOVE.  It was a U.S. election year with lots of distractions offered up as they continued to build upon the loss of freedoms created with the 9-11 attacks.  They did not want people focused on the love energy of the Venus transit.  2007 brought us to the completion of that particular cycle it was a significant year.  We of the light had significant victories, most of which were accomplish by a very small group of people who had to work against the dark forces while dealing with the chaos of the people who were supposed to be on path with us.  The dark side used events like Fire the Grid to attempt to steal your energy to use against you.  A significant number of you fell for it!  Why you may ask?  Well for one you were already trained into a cycle of chaos they began in earnest for you in 2001.

First they created the metaphysical and new age movement’s obsession with the dates.  This started way back in the late 80 and early 90’s.  Solara being the best known person who connected the 11-11 with ascension.  She also introduced the concept of ‘group ascension” which was another bunch of crap.  This also led into the distraction of the 4D 5D 6D etc which is a whole other blog post… moving on…

They got the 1-1-1 thing going on January 1st of 2001.  They did this by taking advantage of our lazy minds who write the date as 1-1-01.  We all ignore zeros of course because they have no numerological count.  So we see just 1-1-1 a new beginning it says to us, all those ones.  But because we are lazy in our writing we ignore that 1-1-1 is really 01-01-2001 not a new beginning year at all but a 3 year! 1999 was our 1 year. 1-1-1 and 2-2-2 were not giant events but by 3-3-3 things were rolling big time and they had the metaphysical, pagan and new age communities fully immersed into a pattern that would lead them to the big 11-11-11.  They of course knew that this pattern was a full two years behind what was really happening numerologically and they could implement their own energies in alignment with the real numerology without resistance.  This also just put that group of spiritual people generally out of sync with the momentum of the whole human created numerology game of the Gregorian calendar which almost 7 billion people are participating in.

So when they had so many of you focused on those dates the 3 same digit numbers on the clock came to the forefront of your consciousness and that was with intent.  First they put you numerologically 2 years behind the mass consciousness with the dates then with the times, they put you into regular cycle of chaos which creates fear.

11-11-11 is in fact 11-11-4  a 26=8 day.  There are a few years that come about each century that are either 11-2 or 22-4 years and we did indeed have one in this cycle it was 2009.  So November 11th of 2009 was the true 11-11-11 date a 33-6 a massive building day for a planned creation.  While there are some people who celebrate or acknowledge November 11 every year mostly under some delusion of its meaning, most of the greater group was focused on September 9th that year.  That is really a shame.  You can be certain The Powers That Be were laughing their asses off on 9-9-9 and they were busy in ceremony on 11-11-09 as the true 11-11-11.

While there are plenty of events scheduled for 11-11-2011  this year, the fact that they are dusting off  Fire the Grid again is certainly no coincidence.  I wrote plenty about this energy harvest in 2007 on the blog at http://blog.spiritnexus.org/2007/07/13/dont-fire-the-grid/ .  One thing is certain they will be using this day to take energy, as much as they can get, from the spiritual people who have bought into this.

I have been talking about this every damn year, yet by the time 3-3-03 passed there were so many egos on board no one gave a damn, they were just committed to their delusion and hell bent on getting to their 11-11-2011 date and clueless they missed it in 2009.

Now we have yet another group focused on 12-12-12 simply because of the Mayan calendar focus on 2012.  12-12-2012 is numerologically 3-3-5 it is an 11 day and although that can be used in a good way 11 days are not all that uncommon.

If you look a the masters years (11 and 22) we had nine in the 20th century

1901 & 1910 were 11 years 1939, 1948, 1957, 1966, 1975, 1984, 1993 were 22 years

In the 21st century we have 10 master years

21st century 11 Years;  2009, 2018, 2027, 2036, 2045, 2054, 2063, 2072, 2081, 2090

2100’s nine 11 years (nine master years)

2200’s eight 11 years, one 22 year (nine master years)
2300’s seven 11 years, two 22 years (nine master years)

See a pattern developing here?  The 21st century is unique in that it could make 10 master 11 years when other centuries have 9 master years counting both 11 and 22 years.  It was a reset century in the Gregorian calendar.  All cycles have resets whether they are natural or human created it is simply the nature of the fractal universe in which we live.  The end of the Mayan calendar no matter how it is matched to the Gregorian calendar is simply the reset point of that calendar.

3000’s for example have nine 11 years (nine master years)

4000’s have eight 11 years and 1 22 year (nine master years)

Obviously this is all based on us keeping the same calendar and using it so that this numerology is accepted by the collective.  When the earth is bigger after the expansion we would need a new calendar if we want to keep track of time.  The day will no longer be 24 hours and the 24 hour circadian rhythm will be reset in all life to the length of a the new day.  All cycles will be reset with the earth expansion; this is part of what makes it such a significant event. Even earth and human cycles that were not at their completion reset point will have no choice but leave that cycle where it stood and begin over.

True mathematicians can spend their whole lives mapping the cycles and rhythms of life with numbers.  Just like astrology we are not controlled by numbers, we can transcend all of life’s influences by ascending, but they are out there moving like tides and cycles all the time and we can take advantage of them for good or evil works.  The dark beings on this planet use these numbers with the force of the whole of the collective consciousness against us and we should be aware of this!  We need to be careful not to participate and give our power over to the flow of these creations if we are to transcend and step forward with our own ascension.

This year’s 11-11-11 has its own geek meaning as a binary day though and maybe that was another inspiration of using these numbers in this particular way.  11=3, in binary arithmetic hmm there is that whole trinity thing again and so 11-11-11 binary day equals  3-3-3 a nine and the ability to combine these threes for the beginning a three (the one trinity- Melchizeldek) a building 6 (the Enoch) and a completing 9 (Michaelian) AKA 1,2, 3 abracadabra lets create some crap.  There are untold number of computer wiz kids who would like to believe that binary is the universal language in which we would communicate with aliens.  It is the basis of the code in the movie the Matrix for example.  Is it possible that those obsessed with the 11-11-11 ignoring the 2 that should be counted in numerology, are actually reacting to a computer program controlling their minds?  That these binary numbers of 1 and 0 are so important to them because they have actually been programmed to find them and give them importance so that their thought and soul powers could be harnessed?  With our lives more and more enmeshed in technology this really cannot be ruled out.  A great deal of channeled material is not channeled from actual entities it comes from a computer output to a receptive mind who wants desperately to be a connected SOUL.  If you had no digital clocks you would give no significance to the time 11:11 in fact we used to round to the nearest five minutes.  If the clock read 11:11 the person would say it’s 10 after 11:00.  What role does the technology based in binary code and beyond play in this supposed spiritual phenomena while The Powers That Be work with the actual spiritual undertaking of numerology?

So one more time Don’t Fire the Grid and don’t give your energy over in any other way on this illuminati 11-11-11 day.  Critical thought is needed as always and the consequences of what is done with your energies are yours even if you simply choose to be uniformed or naïve.

A Few Related Notes:

The Cycles of Timelines

When humans look to the future and there are many timelines they look for time markers and for the timeline for the person that appears to be the most likely future.  This is difficult to say the least.  Time markers are things that cross all timelines.  A good visual for this is to image that there are only 3 timelines and they are on a chart like a biorhythm chart.  Each doing their own thing, every so often the 3 will come together at the center point if this was a chart of timelines that center point with convergence is a time marker.  There is an event there that crosses all of the timelines.  From that point people have been known to jump timelines, changing the possibilities for their lives, some with awareness other without being consciously aware.  When someone jumps a timeline the old timeline will end for them and they will, for those still there, have died.

timelines

We currently have dark force people who purposefully attempt to distort timelines.  They find that convergence point and then flat line it and keep that group of timelines that have converged stagnant of conscious creation.  This causes a time wave distortion for the experiences of that timeline.  They have been doing this for some time but they jumped in with the three final timelines that should have reached pre expansion singularity back in February keeping the three from being completely woven together hoping to get control of several things that would allow them to survive the earth expansion.  The first of the three has been fully woven now and there is an ongoing mild distortion with the final one still in place.  There has been a sort of time war going on and although the distortion is still open the workers in harmony with Divine Principal in both timelines have created no way for the dark forces to shift the future in their favor thus that war is essentially over even while the distortion is being closed and the final weaving is completed.

The First Breath Renewal Cycle

Since I mentioned these cycles earlier in relation to ascension I will add them here.  We start out at first breath with a seven year renewal cycle. The ascension steps referred to with the change in renewal cycle are talked about in the Return to Eden info.

•           When the kundalini opens that changes you to a 5.146 year cycle of renewal so you can process more in less time without killing yourself.

•           When you reach the Inner Circle /Nirvana/Samadhi stage it goes to 4.268 years

•           When you pop open your Sphere it goes to 3.278 years

•           When your Sphere is fully Golden it goes to 2.794 years

•           When the Linolic Flow opens, it goes to a 2 year cycle and you enter the Final Purification.

•           Once in the Final Purification stage how fast it increases depends on how much you have to clear.

Eventually for a Dharlja their cycle is every 22 -24 hours which is why they do not need to sleep and only need 2 hours of mediation per cycle so they try to be in meditation right when they hit that zero point in the cycle.  When the earth expands and the circadian rhythm of all life changes so will this 22-24 hour cycle for the Dharljas.  It is not an exact 24 hour cycle now because as discussed earlier every human has 100’s of cycles unique to them.

Numerology & Language

If there is anyone reading who doesn’t know how language is used in numerology here the basic English chart.  You convert each letter in a word to a number and add the numbers together then add again if necessary until you have reduced your number to 1-9 11 or 22.

Multiple words in an address along with a house number can be added together to get an overall number for a whole address as well.

Example; 1054 Wells Lane

1+5+4 is a 10+1

Wells is 5+5+3+3+1 a 17=8

Lane is 3+1+5+5 a 14=5

1+8+5 is a 14 so the overall number for the address is a 5

Some people when deciding upon a name for a baby or a new venture will look for a name that includes all 9 numbers represented in the words to have balance of all the energies.  Some feel if a number is missing you may find that to be a weak point.  That is not always a bad thing but just something to be aware of just like people like to be aware of the weak or missing elements in an astrology chart.  These can be things we need to work on but occasionally they are not weaknesses at all but things we have mastered!  Thus people looking to the repetition of certain numbers as being a good thing are not realizing the lack of balance that represents!  In astrology it would be the equivalent of having all your planets in the same sign!!  Absurd!  One thing modern numerology seems to ignore if the importance of the zero.  It is the circle of life and is a good thing to have in your address since modern numerology for the English language has not found a way to include it in the alphabet conversion table below.  It is simply ignored, but what comes around goes around!

numbers-letters

The Spiritually Taboo

I wrote this on July 9th and then never got it posted for some reason, it sure seems to fit with what is happening right now!!

We live in a word filled with immense beauty and immense horror.  I am finding myself more and more disturbed by those who claim enlightenment and spiritual awareness wearing blinders to the issues of the world.  They run around sending “light and love”.  OK no harm comes from sending light and love but if they think that doing so will solve any of the world’s problems then why isn’t it working?  We hear about the great awakening here on earth.  We get emails for all the wonderful world meditations and the endless 11:11 ascension groups.  Yet the world’s violence does not lessen even a little.  Wars rage on, rapes on women and children are common place.  Priests molest kids and don’t even get a slap on the wrist by the spiritual authorities of their church and rarely get arrested.  While potheads who were dealing sit in jail for 20 years and sex offenders who are not rehabilitated get out in two or three years and rape again.

Is it hard to hold the painful information available in such massive amounts from around the world in our consciousness?  Hell yes!  Endlessly posting uplifting tidbits and heartwarming photo art to facebook or twitter is not going to make it go away.  Spiritual growth is actual hard work not just a series of “magical” moments.  I believe in magical moments, I believe in light and love as well but it takes actual people standing up, speaking, and taking action to effect real change in this world.

Apparently the violence and rape against women is the world in one of the 1000 spiritually taboo subjects.  After all it is just so unseemly.  Truly awake men have a hard time with the subject because they feel powerless to communicate their feelings about these things with their own gender.  They know these sick violent thugs will just turn on them too, or target the women they love.  So those with integrity reach out to women they know who have been harmed with compassion and protect the women in their lives feeling that is all they can do.  There are men who put their heads in the sand too.  Most often they are the big “teachers” selling supposed wisdom or the intellectual book reader who now thinks they have the keys to the workings of the universe.

The women who think they are enlightened seem to be the worst offenders.  They abide by the “if I don’t acknowledge or talk about it, it will go away” syndrome.  They are the classic personalities who complain about no good news on TV who would actually watch a news program with only good news and purposely keep themselves ignorant.  They will bombard you with trivia and never get into a real conversation about anything of depth.  They will participate in every world meditation so they can feel they are changing the world when they are doing nothing to change the world or themselves.  How do we as awake people of conscience sit and say nothing while the vast majority of woman in places like the Congo have been brutally raped, many multiple times.  How will the magical “world peace” ever occur in a world where those women must live with that horrific violence.  Where do they find the ability to trust the men who are not violent?

How do men find the numbers to stand up against the violent thugs and say “you do not represent the masculine energy and your violence is unacceptable”?  Why do we as nations say it is not ok to rape at home but look the other way when our soldiers rape women we label as the enemy and accept that as a peril of war?

To be enlightened means we cannot ignore truth.  We must stand up against all crimes against humanity loudly and with one voice!  Sitting back and hoping someone else will fix it for us while saying that “we are all one” is just a lack of integrity.  If you are caught up in the democrats vs. the republicans and wasting your time defending one or the other and waiting for your party to make it all ok, WAKE UP!  Power of government on earth is corrupt and filled with greed.  They don’t want to stop wars, they are profitable!  They don’t care if your wife, mother, sister or daughter’s get raped.  If you are waiting for them to bring world peace while you send out light and love and never speak out then you are just part of the problem not the solution you see yourself to be.

Why can’t we as a spiritual community get real?  If I hear one more person go on about how we shouldn’t judge just because of one line in a bible I may scream.  We judge every day we do so for our very survival.  We have to discern if our activities are safe for ourselves or our children.  These are all judgments, hundreds weekly.  While it is a worthy goal to not condemn others and I support that, all too often that is used as an excuse to shut up people who are speaking obvious truths that others don’t want to hear.  “Don’t be judgmental”  “lets just all get along” in other words lets not talk about this subject because it is taboo.  We can wax poetic about unity but it means nothing when we don’t give a damn about those who are being subjected to violence every day.  If you were in unity with those people you would be feeling their pain and determined to make it STOP.

This taboo subject behavior, not being willing to take on the tough subjects in spiritual discourse is not in alignment with oneness and light or love.  Love protects and nurtures. Sending love is just an excuse to actually do nothing and feel ok with doing nothing, saying nothing.  If oneness was experienced there could be no violence let alone the ability to turn a blind eye to it.  That does not mean we focus on only that and turn a blind eye to the beauty that exists here as well.  We need to embrace that beauty and live with gratitude for the beauty in our lives.  Part of embracing it and having gratitude is wanting that beauty to be there for ALL people.  We find the beauty in our own lives by being fully awake to the tragedy in the world.  There is beauty in our voices when we speak out for those who are oppressed.  That is the higher nature of our being.  When we withhold our voice, our outrage and our actions we are not acting in love even if we tell ourselves we are sending light and love out.  It is just another cowardly way to excuse ourselves from true unity.

The Spiritual Warrior – Anger and Love What’s Up With That?

Have you noticed the way some emotions are exalted and others are vilified? Good emotions vs. bad emotions. Is there truly any such thing? Most people have no real clue what anger or love are about they only know that when they are feeling them they feel “out of control”. One feels good the other feels bad but that may be the biggest illusion on planet earth. We can all name 101 awful things that have been brought about in anger in the world those negative acts are obvious, but is that the fault of anger or the unbalanced mind of the individual? After all most people get angry about many things and never do anything to harm themselves or others. They blow off some steam, feel better and move on.

What about love? Can we even truly define the word love? People get caught up romanticizing some situation and seeing it as love. They can’t separate little love from big LOVE. Human love vs DIVINE LOVE they try and force divine love to fit into the romantic box of human love. The problem is that divine love can’t fit in that box. Human love in the bliss stage sees no faults, thinks the whole world is rosy. The reason it feels so good is because it is actual chemical hormonal denial, a literal mind altering substance. True love that survives and prospers after the bliss stage ends lasts because it was based in Divine Love. There is a stage in spiritual growth where people actually fall in love with God they go into Nirvana / Samadhi bliss stage and experience the same mind altering substances that cause the denial in the human romantic love bliss stage. When in this stage they will hear no truth and see no issues. This is a stage some people enter and never leave! In fact some religious texts teach this place is the goal when it is in fact only the very beginning of your relationship with God which I prefer to call Divine Principle.

It is important to learn how to deal with your emotions before you hit Nirvana because the bliss stage will put you into denial and if you already have a tendency for denial to begin with you will become yet another disinformation pawn of the dark forces.

Anger is a potent force much like a hurricane is potent force. It can destroy you and eat you alive. It can own the mind of a lower vibration person and set them off to do heinous things. However for most people it is simply a natural reaction to an injustice, a frustration and all that is required is to feel it and let it fade away. Refraining from interactions with others while they do this, if they are mad enough they may say something they regret is often called for. Anger that is dealt with authentically typically fades pretty quickly. Sometimes an anger is too big, does not flow easily away and in looking for a way to process the emotion people do extraordinary things, amazing things, GOOD things. Almost every really big powerful societal change that has occurred in the world came about because someone was damn pissed. Angry enough to take action.

Some of the same people who applaud the peaceful protest in Egypt this year think anger is a negative emotion to be avoided. How can they not see that even though the participants CHOSE to remain peaceful the whole reason they were protesting was they were ANGRY. They wanted change, they were in fact demanding change! For we Americans I say how do you think we became Americans? We got so pissed at Britain that we fought a war for freedom and wrote a Constitution we still speak so loudly about today. Anger made this country. Now we could have a long healthy debate on a completely different level about whether that was good or whether having any countries are good for that matter but that is another day. Who ended slavery? Angry people did. Who allowed slavery? Those willing to look away because it was unpleasant, or because they were in some way benefiting from this disgusting practice of low vibration and control.

No matter how much you love Divine Principle and all the species of the earth, bad things are happening here. Reality check; bad things are happening everyday in the name of LOVE. There are people who think they love the unborn so much that they can justify killing an abortion doctor and promote capital punishment while holding a bible and talking about the ten commandments. All this in the name of love! Some of the greatest crimes against humanity and individuals are by people who think they are just being loving.

Love and anger are just two of the multitude of human emotions. As complex beings we are capable of feeling both simultaneously. We are capable of using both to better ourselves and everyone around us or conquer and destroy and hate ourselves and everyone around us. Divine love is not an emotion! Divine love is the very nature of our consciousness when it has been stripped of the layers of low vibration we have mired it with. The more we have stripped away, the higher our vibration raises, the closer we are to the Divine Love that we truly are. The higher your vibration the greater your ability to use ALL emotions that you process in a way that serves Divine Principle – All That Is.

High vibration people make good out of all things they encounter whether that good is personal growth or planetary change. Low vibration people take all emotion, even blissful love and use it for control, greed and pain.

I will never apologize for being awake and aware and for being angry that the middle vibration people are being manipulated into not even being willing to feel their own feelings for the sole purpose of lowering their vibration. Be real, find your authenticity, speak your own true mind. Live an honest life, walk your talk, live with integrity. If your higher self through that process leads you to live a life in solitude as a monk because the pains of the world are too much for you, I support you in that. If it leads you to start a revolution against tyranny because your spirit knows Divine Principle meant all mankind to be free. I support you in that. Truth in emotion dissipates the transient and processes it out to the universe free. What is left behind is there for a reason. Change yourself, change the world, though transmuting anger to motivation and action or through Divine Love, healing and teaching. Divine Principle gives you the tools you as an individual need to do the work you came to earth to do. Those tools are only available when we are not in denial about anything we think or feel on the human level or anything we, feel (clairsentience), see (clairvoyance) hear (clairaudience) or know from the divine.

So for all you bliss ninnies our there in denial, why are you NOT angry? People are starving, dying, being raped, murdered, and enslaved!!! You claim you LOVE LOVE LOVE all life. Many of you will go to the mat to say anyone who eats a burger is unspiritual because you just love life more than the rest of us, but you are not willing to even use your voice to speak out against these injustices to your fellow human beings! In fact you intensely attempt to silence the voices of those who do and call that love!

Yeah I am angry, I own it completely, the vast majority of it is transient, when a story comes up about this injustice or that one, but there is a part of it that is here with me for a reason, because I am a Warrior. I never wanted or consciously asked to be a Warrior for Divine Principle, but my vibration was high coming into this body and dark forces started to attack and attempt to kill me before I could even put into words what dark forces were. I attempted denial with drug and alcohol abuse from the ages of 13 – 25 with a break for a pregnancy. It didn’t work! Eventually drugs and alcohol gave me up and I had to accept that being a Warrior was my destiny whether I wanted it or not. I knew too much for them to leave me alone.

The thing about those of us who are Warriors, we are willing to fight the fight first because it is survival. Then when we have honed our skills so survival is no longer the issue the Divine Love within us is so great, so deep, so clear, that we cannot allow injustices to those who are lost, to go unspoken. Some take action in earth plane ways like protests and activism of sorts (Mike Adams the Health Ranger is a great example of this). For others though, our actions take place in the invisible, and you know not what we do or have done by watching us or observing our outer life. We unite higher selves with lost parts of themselves, battle actual dark spirits (demons), remove entity attachments that scare the shit out of other people, or that they literally can’t even perceive, tend the earth grid, build, terminate or clear vortexes and power spots, remove stuck energies on earth from human actions like massacres. We do whatever Divine Principle or the Earth Mother asks of us! The list goes on, we know the “powers that be” not through the videos and news stories on the internet about “conspiracy theories” but directly through their companion dark spirit controllers, and dark priests who try to kill us.

We don’t talk much about these things because we are too damn busy doing them. No, we cannot teach you how to do it, there is no universal way to learn. Each of us were thrown into the water in a sink or swim, live or die way and learned a unique way of doing things customized to our past life experiences and strengths. We know things beyond words, we have seen and experienced things that have given us battle scars. So don’t sit in your bliss ninny world and tell us how it is. If you haven’t ever been attacked your vibration still isn’t high enough for the dark ones to see you as a threat. No, a bubble of white light and love won’t fricken save you if you are ever truly attacked!!

Here is the deal, if the real state of the world is too much for you then one of you needs to start a new age monastery where you can be monks of a sort and have no TV’s no internet, no news of any kind. Most certainly NO facebook or twitter, You cannot teach with tunnel vision so please stop trying to be teachers! We promise not to warn you when The Powers That Be come to massacre your ashram / monastery so as not to ruin your day, but we will clear the energy later! If you get stuck (earthbound) we’ll even return you to your high self, no questions asked! LOL

It’s a big world and there a lot of bad stuff out there and you know what, we Warriors, still relish the good, & loving, the animals, nature, beauty and truth, where ever we find it. That is what we are fighting for! We have NEVER lost track of that! We may seem gruff but we love deeply and completely! We are loyal, true, honest, and filled with gratitude for every little gift of life. We laugh easily and often and are not always pissed! If you actually earn our friendship and respect it will last beyond this life to the ones that follow. Yeah you’ll have to deal with us blowing off steam now and then about the bad things, bad people, do to you and yours!

We do this work for ALL THAT IS, not for money, prestige, or power (which is good cause it doesn’t pay). Want to ascend ? Oh gosh it requires your higher self to have all parts of self that have been trapped by dark forces in various way. Yes, that’s right, you’re welcome! We free them even while you tell us how we are “negative” “unfocused” and “unenlightened”. We are the very definition of focused! I have never met a Warrior who has not sacrificed health, material world life, relationships and careers for this love of Divine Principle and we are sick and tired of having to explain our emotions to a bunch of clueless fools. We have willingly given up too much to have to suffer fools to boot, especially fools who will all benefit from our work.

Like those over the last few hundred years that have intensified this work, so things would be ready for this specific timing. We pave the pathway for others to move forward, while they make our work harder in the name of their supposed great knowledge of love. We don’t have time to play games and wear a false new age face even if we wanted to and we don’t want to! Did I mention we Warriors laugh easily and often? Anyone who knows me offline or even by phone knows this about me! I know this to be true of every other Warrior I have ever met. The other day a co-worker at the soup kitchen accused me of laughing with my eyes, not exactly a sign of negativity or continuous anger. LOL

The Weaving of Timelines

I got this message the evening of the 27th from the Dharlja family, they were talking to me obviously but I think this may apply to others as well. I was not sure if it is something to be shared with more people or not.  I chose not to post it on the blog at that time but sent it out in email to a few people.  Today I am feeling that it should be shared maybe it has something to do with the fact that the tertiary timeline (25%) mentioned below will be completely weaved sometime today.

The intensity of pressure Martina and I bought through over the weekend that they mention in the writing , was this really nasty pissy state of mind that we have never had anything like at the same time LOL  It built gradually until Monday I think when we had to have a massive bitch fest and say everything we were feeling, but that didn’t dissipate it at all!  It just lasted until it was done, and then for me shifted into a neutral space, then back to being normal for me which is much more upbeat and positive.

Here is the message as received

The weaving of timelines is going smoothly but as you know is very complex. You are over the intensity of pressure it brought forth that you and Martina expressed so clearly. Part of this pressure was not being able to feel the future in the normal way. You think of the merging from the perspective of now, but the three timelines are merged through the whole tunnel of singularity. Thus no one looking at the future even seeing clearly all three timelines could know the future because some elements of each exist there. One timeline was primary, simply because there were more elements from it than from each of the other two but it breaks down more like this; the primary is 40% and the secondary 35% and the tertiary 25%. Therefore there were those few days where your own subconscious felt lost in not knowing how your own percentages fit together for this completely changed future. It gave you a sense of hopelessness. It was understood this would happen and you and Martina both came through it beautifully. So while your mind focuses now on the anomalies that may be apparent between now and February 6th. The whole of your singularity future has been reconfigured.

Once the merge is complete there will be elements of your past that have changed. This will not be true for all people. The place you were at on January 20th in each of the three timelines had greater disparity than most people. This is true for the majority of people who have been consciously on the path, as the roads to get to the teachings needed were diverse for most. These changes in the past will be like dream ghost type images that will get stronger over time as past life memories often do. You will still remember this timeline you have lived, but it too will become more dreamlike in certain aspects and not have the sway on you that it once did. This will allow the limitations you remember from this timeline to slip away. It is the future aspects of the other timelines that bring positive gifts that are being brought forth that shift elements of the past. It is of course quite confusing for the mind. It will however be a very gentle manifestation that will be comfortable and have a peace about it. You have already been feeling this peaceful aspect at moments between sleep and wakened state. Your mind has already been aware that the possibilities of all this were much deeper than you previously through possible when you first learned of singularity a couple of years ago.

You will not be blindsided by anything that comes forth in this way. There will be a resonant remembrance, (perhaps not in detail) before something shows up tangibly changed. When you see the tangible it will be somewhat like a déjà vu experience and you will know that which you need to know to interact with that new element of your life, but you will recognize it as new and changed. There will be no fear or doubt associated with these things and you will be in full acceptance of who in your life recalls the new thing as something that has always been so, and who recognizes it as a change in your merging timelines from what they remember. The same will be true with you and a few others. You will see some things in them that are new and accept them without reservation while still remembering it having been another way. These things can be on a multitude of levels from deeper spiritual gifts to talents that the person had not taken time to develop on the timeline you experienced with them that are fully developed now. This is a great and glorious thing that we are all enjoying watching unfold. Be open, receive, and simply allow the unfolding, knowing that all new things being brought forth are things of beauty and love.

The Singularity

We are finally here!  All timelines that could collapse have done so as of this morning.  At one point early yesterday afternoon is was so intense it made me dizzy and I had to lay down.  When I awoke today I was told there were two additional timelines left and the one that will continue and those two would have to be merged with the primary instead of collapsed.  One merged around 4:30 pm mountain time here in the United States. 

The second will merge sometime over the next few hours.  For those of us who are aware of these types of things we will be more likely to notice the changes to this timeline from the merge over the next several days.  Some of these changes may be personal some larger scale things.  Although these three timeline were very similar on the larger scale anything that is changed in a big way would be something that was almost going to happen in this timeline.  So most of the changes will be personal level things but could be quite significant.  Someone could for example go to bed quite sick with cancer and wake up with no illness.

Once this final timeline is finished merging there are no more probabilities.  The dark forces will have no path to control.  That doesn’t mean there may not be some things in this timeline that are not good between now and the big changes.  It is not like it is going to be sweetness and light.  This timeline was chosen by creation because it has the least amount of suffering over the shortest time period.  Suffering is still suffering however and there is no out of that, only through it.  Dark forces cannot manipulate humans onto another timeline now as there are no other timelines available until the they branch out on the other side of singularity.  Decisive actions can now be taken with no place for them to go so to speak.  In some ways the path now will be easier, and in others it is about to ramp up.  I hope you all did your internal prep work!  Remember that many people will not notice any change in things and you may recall many things they do not.  Don’t try to get them to remember the changes that have occurred by the merging of these three timelines.  What they see and know is their reality now.

Artifacts of the Past – Processing Memories & Being Present

What does it really mean to be present in the moment? I was just reading an article this week about the health benefits of being in the moment and these being the moments of greatest joy. I agree with this perspective but also wonder how many people are really able to be present in any given moment. The article talked about sex being one of those moments that people are most present. Obviously there is a physiological response that helps that process along during sex, but there are plenty of people that say their mind is wondering even during sex, or that alcohol or drugs are required for them to be present during sex. I honesty feel you can’t be present in the moment while under the influence of alcohol. Alcohol is more about removing all moments, past, present, or future and just numbing the senses so that nothing need be felt. Feeling nothing is really the opposite of being present in the moment. There are other mind altering substances that actually do tune you in to the current moment though, and for some of us may have even taught us how that should feel so we could take that knowing and bring it forth into life when no longer using them.

There seems to be a trend of teaching that says; to be in the moment is to completely let go of and release the past. I don’t think this is possible or desirable. Healing takes place when we acknowledge fully all our thoughts and feelings without judgment. More often than not, we are not able to be in that state of mental and emotional awareness while experiencing certain life events, and that ability only comes later. The idea that loving positive memories from the past should be let go of, would be met with an enormous amount of resistance. Somehow we think we should pick and choose which memories to cherish and which ones to discard because they were unpleasant. While I am all for cherishing the great memories, it is actually the difficult painful ones that offer us the greatest gifts in life. Instead of discarding and dismissing them we should consider feeling them. Allowing the emotions we refused to feel at the time to surface and be acknowledged so we can receive the gifts they offer.

Recently I had a short exchange with a friend about the loss of a child, and where that fits into a person’s world view on life. Certainly it is one of life’s most painful moments and societal expectations are to get over it and move on. Moving on happens whether we get over things or not, life continues with or without healing so it really isn’t about moving on. Moving forward truly is not optional, it will happen with or without your conscious participation, and with or without you being present in any of those moments that come. If you allowed yourself to feel that pain then instead of discarding it, releasing it, letting it go, being over it and every other cliché we offer, it integrates into a part of who you are and offers you understanding and wisdom. We all have aspects of the past that we integrated because they refused to go unnoticed and we have things that lie in the silence. It is the ones in the silence that poison us from being present and joyous in the moment.

When my daughter was stillborn when I was 22, that pain was too big to be shoved into the silence. It changed me and I have no intention of “getting over it”. It was the greatest gift of my life in ways I am always discovering. I am who I am and the gifts of this loss are a big part of that. That experience opened my heart, both the pregnancy and the love I had for my child, and the loss, in ways that I had never experienced before. It birthed my compassion, put spiritual knowledge I already understood into context, showed me why I had always been a pacifist, taught me to truly stop and value all life, & uncovered my real relationship with the sacred. These things only scratch the surface of what this one horrible life experience brought me in gifts. None of these things are things I should or would ever want to release. This is part of me and a damn good part. It was one painful past experience that was transmuted into knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. This one life event is responsible for countless moments of being present and joyous in the moment. Moments when you know you are not running from anything, not hiding anything.

Processed past pains are our very wisdom, the reason why the elders were respected, why they seemed to intuitively know what would happen next. When you have allowed these things to ingrate, the more obvious are the outcomes and motivations of the actions of others. The generation that comes after may or may not seek the wisdoms we carry, and even if they do, are not likely to heed the advice given. There is truth in knowing when to shut up and allow them to have their own experience. Still there is peace in seeing what is to come for them and knowing where to place yourself to offer love when the now obvious happens. Why would we want to discard this, one of life’s most precious gifts? Processing and integrating the past is not the same as dwelling there. If we were to be only a series of moments with the ones past not part of the picture the creator would not have given us memory, or would have created separation between physical memories required for animalistic survival skills and emotional memories.

We are souls in bodies and the purpose of souls is to experience and grow and learn. Attempting to discard things simply doesn’t work. Letting go of the trauma of an event, transmuting it, so you are not living the reflections of that trauma in your current choices should be the goal. That requires looking at it, feeling it, accepting it, no matter how heinous it may be. Is your present something you are conscious of, a reflection of an artifact of the past, or some combination there of?

Some events in youth may send us running and spiraling out of control and onto paths that we made no conscious choice to take. They can take over aspects of our lives with some seen, but that feel uncontrollable, like addiction, and others so stealth that they may take a very long time to surface. Running away makes you unable to make a choice from your true spirit instead of making choices because of these silent artifacts. The things left in silence do the most damage and steal the most from our lives. They are the things inside us that cause us to act out in ways that cause ourselves more pain and cause us to hurt people around us that we love and consciously don’t want to hurt.

Sometimes we have gathered all the puzzle pieces but we are not ready to put them together yet for things we have left lying in that silence. They may have brought forth an illness or series of illnesses and that is one puzzle piece. Addictions may be another piece. Repeated patterns recognized a third, and so forth and each of these pieces of your life is recognized and being worked on but the puzzle picture, how they go together is just not available. I’ve talked quite a bit on the blog of getting at core issues and these are no easy task because these core issues are the puzzle picture. Even if you have the picture some pieces on the surface just don’t seem like they could possibly have a place in the puzzle. It’s frustrating to have an overview and see how some of the parts go together and still feel like you just can’t get at the rest, those connecting points are missing, hiding, and there are times you are still acting in a way that you know is not in harmony with your true desire. These artifacts are still making some choices for you and stealing life force and expression of love and intimacy in your life.

We can be diligent in our healing, open, honest and have an area we cannot seem to progress in. I’ve watched many a friend go to every kind of spiritual, emotional or alternative healer on the planet dealing with a chronic issue of one sort or another. It has its physical components, as well as emotional and mental elements and they are well aware of this. They can’t get at the core but somehow they think eventually they will find the right healer. Core issues can’t be removed from you or simply taken away. If they could my ever present and wonderful spirit guides would have lovingly and willing done so for me a long, long time ago. Watching me limp through the steps and attempting to give me insight or encourage me to feel different aspects that they knew would take me in the right direction has been a mainstay of our relationship. As hard as it is for those of us on earth, I think we discount how difficult it is also for those on the other side who love us and want us to live an integrated life consciously choosing joy. I still recall the first day one of the guides told me “choose joy”, I was PISSED, I said “joy is not a choice, you either feel it or you don’t”, they responded “no it is a chosen perspective that comes with wisdom in each moment”. I couldn’t even conceive that we had that choice because my whole life was under the influence of these artifacts of the past that become our victimization. They assured me I would get there one day, which I did not believe; I thought they were in no uncertain terms “fucking crazy”. LOL

The closer I get to the core the more I know they were always right, Joy is indeed a choice we make, and in order to consciously make it in each moment we have to integrate our artifacts, transmute them into gifts and wisdom. There have been lots of themes running through my life of late that are all gradually tying together one is the “there are no accidents” theme. This kept coming out of my mouth with several different people and so obviously I need to apply it to myself.

For years I would get an email here and there from someone I know on facebook inviting me to join. For some reason I have had this aversion and was determined to never do so. I had multiple blogs, a website, and memberships at more sites than I can count. I couldn’t think of one good reason why I needed or wanted another. My whole life is already plastered all over the internet from the intimate moments of processing through my poetry to the excruciating journeys in my automatic writing. Why did I need yet another internet point to keep up with? Then last month another reminder to join came from my friend Dinah and spirit said “do it”. I really didn’t want to and in retrospect I find it no accident based on past conversations that I have had with Dinah about the core issue I am currently integrating that it should be her energy that spirit used to pull me forward. So I gave in and joined facebook. Dinah and I have talked about elements that held us back in areas of our lives that we were aware of yet couldn’t get past completely for some unknown reason. I thought at the time, here is this extraordinary woman, this beautiful soul, talented, smart, wise, why should she be experiencing these limitations, it is not right! Spirit said at the time “ahem back at ya”. Why should you be experiencing your own limitations? “Dig deeper”! Like every good seeker on the spiritual path I processed what I could at that moment and procrastinated as much as possible til later.

Eventually later arrives and smacks you upside the head. After a year and a half of being sicker than hell laying in bed praying for either healing or death, and at moments not really caring which one, apparently later has arrived with a vengeance. Good thing the universe knew me well enough to know that the death part was not really what I wanted long term, but there were moments I wondered if I was going to get that anyway. But there are no accidents and that illness was a puzzle piece in my healing process that was not about the illness itself but the artifact in the silence that was surfacing. It is certainly no coincidence that this illness of sub-acute thyroiditis sits at the throat chakra, energy center of communication. Could there be a better place to physically manifest the imbalance being caused by stealth silent pains of the past? Things unspoken do not all hold equal weight. Some can become insignificant over time and hold no energy, but others can kill you, kill your relationships, kill your desire to live or love. They will insist on coming out until they either do or they’ve killed you and done a lot of damage to others in the process. The pain and illness along the way are often not even from the silent issue itself but from the resistance placed upon keeping it down in the silence. It takes a lot of subconscious effort to keep these things in hiding, energy that could be expressed in loving joyous ways.

Now that I had joined facebook the inevitable “where are these people from my past” bug hits. It’s like a facebook disease, a car accident you can’t look away from. You can’t help yourself, after all they may be just a click or two away. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but the damn cat has nine lives so what the hell. You are not thinking about what may surface you are just doing what you do on facebook, there is that damn search box right there taunting you. Now I know that there are people who have lived their life in the same place who know exactly where every person they have ever known is, therefore they are immune to the facebook disease. I have however lived a crazy gypsy life in these 47 years and there are far more people who I have no idea where they are and what they are doing than those I do. For whatever reason (no accident LOL) I immediately went back to “the old neighborhood”.

A year after my parents divorced my mom and I moved from the burbs of Minneapolis out to Seattle. I turned 13 that summer and my mom and I found a house up near the zoo. Over time a group of friends formed there in the neighborhood that went through a lot together. We all had all kinds of family dysfunctions and we were a bunch of 70’s potheads who got into all sorts of mischief. By today’s standards I guess we were pretty tame really. We were not violent or destructive in a societal way, any destruction we had going on was all internal as we each tried to deal with the pains we didn’t talk about. We were a pretty tightly bonded little dysfunctional family and for most of us I am not even certain how we lost touch with one another in our 20s.

I really have positive memories of the times we all spent together despite the fact that we were all running from something or another, and were pretty out of control as all our parents no doubt would attest. My mom worked nights and so it was my house that became the hangout place. My mom thought to herself at the time that at least she knew we were off the streets if we were hanging out at the house. People used to sneak out and come over right after she left for work. She was right, in that we were physically safe, we just listened to music, smoked pot, and some nights made large quantities of cookies, cake or whatever sweets we could conjure up. It was a five bedroom house so she gave us a room to be our place we called it the “party room”. One day we asked if we could paint and she agreed giving us the credit card to go buy whatever paint we wanted. I don’t think she had any idea what our concept of paint meant at the time. We spent weeks working on the room; there were probably seven to ten of us involved in one way or another. The ceiling, a deep dark blue oil paint as base, was painted with the most amazing galaxies, nebulas and spaceships all in various glow-in-the-dark colors. That in it self with a little Pink Floyd was pretty awesome, but once done we started on the walls and covered them with optical illusion graphics, the roadrunner and coyote, band logos etc. As we got further into the project my mom started to realize that there was more then met the eye with several of my pothead friends. There were several that she always liked but there were a couple that she wondered if they had any redeeming qualities and couldn’t figure out why we were friends. I can’t say some of us were not asking the same question at times but we were a little family so it was almost like asking why someone was a sibling, the answer was “they just are”.

I can’t say exactly how we all came together, some of us went to school together but others didn’t it just gradually happened and this group of people became a piece of me; art music, profound musings on the meaning of life, time in nature, hilarious laughter, and whole lot of teenage and 20 something stupidity. We shared so much, but it was all that we didn’t share that comes to the surface now. For whatever reason this group was predominately male and predominately Leo with six or seven birthdays all falling within a three week period of time. (Not including my mother and my mother’s current boyfriend at that time also Leos with the same birthday) Being that I was one of the only girls in the group and a shy Cancer, getting a word in anywhere was always a challenge, unless they really pissed me off, then they heard about it and there was no confusion whatsoever. I think perhaps I left far more unsaid than all my crazy Leo brethren, but maybe not, after all they were usually all taking turns on stage, as it were. It did help set up a pattern though where I had to be angry before I would speak my mind which was not healthy for me. By the time I was that angry a lot of damage had already been done and sometimes I never got to that point and the things were simply never spoken. A lot of things went assumed between us all and those assumptions were left to live as if they were truth.

Searching facebook was not very successful overall for that group, many have common names with hundreds of results and without having a current location, there is no real adequate way to filter them. Many people go on facebook and have their public profile so controlled that there is no way to assess if it is the person you are looking for or not. I did however find the person I was supposed to find because, lets say it together, LOL there are no accidents! This person was my best friend. I didn’t think consciously we had any unresolved artifacts lurking in the silence, didn’t think about it at all in fact. I just thought I think that’s him and what the hell has he been doing all these years? So I sent a message and he replied and it was indeed him, and we started to chat about what we had both been doing and it was nice to reconnect.

A few days later I was hit with this heaviness, a grief that I did not understand. As I started to get in touch with that it was apparent that we somehow wandered out of each others lives without conscious participation. Life just happened and we didn’t talk about the things that were happening then in our lives, we just allowed them to send us along unknown pathways with complete disregard for the years of friendship and love. We were clueless that we were allowing life, through the expression of running from these unhealed energies, to remove us from a piece of our own life puzzle where it would then sit unattended and unacknowledged for 25 years. Too young to think we were doing anything out of the ordinary or with any consequence. With all the time I have spent on this journey I was astounded that I could have a piece of my puzzle shoved that deep to not even know it existed. Here it was though, a significant person in my life lost that I never grieved for, there was no death, no moment of departure, no fight, no choice to end a friendship, only behaviors that led to a gradual parting that neither of us were consciously aware of. He remembers it as me disappearing from his life and not knowing what happened to me. I only remember seeing him a few days after the loss of my daughter and being in such a state of raw grief that I felt disconnected and didn’t have the slightest indication I would never see my friend again. Here, slapping me in the face, was an artifact of the past that had managed to escape all detection. Puzzle pieces start to collide together and I can see some things all too clearly.

First I felt the need to apologize to tell him that whatever out of control things I did along the way stemmed from things that came before I met him that he never knew of and whatever damage I may have done in the process of my running had nothing to do with him. He doesn’t remember what those things would be, but I know I left a path of destruction and there certainly is no way he escaped LOL I am the one on this insane healing journey though so he may or may not ever remember that. In any event it had to be said because I do know that things I did are in there somewhere and even if I didn’t apologize now I’ll be doing it when we both get back to spirit, so may as well seize the opportunity.

This was a puzzle piece that took me back to a core issue that I have been aware of and consciously working on since day one on this path. It has annoyed me with its insidious ways, when it is at the same time too blatant and obvious. I have always had to seek out all these tentacles of this issue and the more I find the more there are. I no doubt have automatic writing on this issue that I did not post online and my frustration with spirit of why in the hell I can not clear this. What is left, how can there be more? How did this one thing get so much control over me? I have cleared hundreds of other things that go back further and appear more multidimensional. Even now there is one part of me that doesn’t want to talk about it, that screams SHUT UP, every time the subject comes up. But it is not me and I will not shut up or cower before an artifact of pain. I am too powerful, I know too much. This artifact has been lying to me my whole life about everything that I am. Even when I was aware enough to recognize the lies, they continued, they eat at your heart, your soul, your mind and body. As I have gotten close to the core of all this, it is my physical illness, my emotional dysfunctions, the root of many fears, guilt, shame, and self hatred and addiction. One unspoken trauma sending me into an out of control spiral of life choices that are not representative of who I am.

All of us interested in healing have these traumas of some sort or another; this one though has its damage in the silence, more than the act itself, and lack of appropriate feedback because of this silence from adults who knew better. In the year between my parents divorce and moving to Seattle my mom and I lived in an apartment complex outside of Minneapolis I was in 7th grade a typical 12 year old in most ways. During that time I was raped twice by a 17 year old who lived down the hall, while the 15 year old who lived on the first floor watched apparently learning how this is supposed to work. Because I was a kid who knew nothing, I really couldn’t connect that forced sex was “rape” I think I had some sort of TV idea that rape was being pulled into some alley by a stranger and ending up beaten to pulp in a hospital. After the first time he told me this would never happen again and I was young enough to believe him, only once though! This led though to me taking the responsibility for what happened. I believed him therefore it was my fault. I never told my parents, never told anyone until I was close to 30 years old, by which time I clearly knew it was rape and that it was never my fault, but the damage was already done. That’s a really long time to hold that inside. The damage done by taking responsibility and never getting feedback that is was not my fault was debilitating. The shame and self disgust overwhelming but I knew then what I had been running from and the running had to stop and the healing begin.

Part of this final puzzle piece that came to surface in finding my old friend on facebook was in realizing that all those boys who shared my misspent youth assumed I was a virgin during those years and that in that shame I let them think that. It was easy, there were no questions. To them I just became the girl, the virgin, that wasn’t going to consider having sex with them and they gave me space. Inside I felt dirty and not good enough and as the years passed and I was trying to find my own sexuality and where that fit in to the whole that is me I spun more and more out of control. The lie did more damage the older we got. Eventually I had to have sex with someone I didn’t care about, and who didn’t give a damn about me just to have it over with, with a person who didn’t care who I had ever slept, how, why or at what age, so there would be no lie there in that experience. That out of control decision obviously solved nothing and maybe made things worse or validated some of that shame and guilt I carried. It wasn’t really possible to maintain intimate bonds with a secret that big that goes to the core of who I was. I “moved on” to people and places that didn’t make me feel like a liar but without conscious awareness held on to the shame, guilt and self hated.

Spirit taught me how to speak, how to share things I wanted to keep buried. It was no easy task and I resisted every step along the way and that has caused me all kinds of physical, emotional and mental pain. I’ve not been an easy student at times but eventually I get there. There are gifts still to be awakened in integrating the million insidious aspects of this rape and silence, allowing this artifact to have its place in my consciousness and serve me in a positive way. The first came in learning how to set boundaries, how to fight back, to stand up for myself. Something I am now very good at. I don’t know what all the others are at this moment, some may be things I know about myself but have not yet connected to this core. Others are yet to come because so much of this energy is only now forming a full picture and is in the process of transmuting. All artifacts turn to gifts when given the opportunity to do so. The closer to the core, the more pain that has to be moved through, but the greater the gifts, like being present in moments of joy without shame and guilt. The road can suck, but the destination is worth the difficult journey. Being free of the past is not letting go as we are so often told, it is embracing and giving every aspect of it a part to play in an integrated whole. Receiving the gifts therein free you only from the pain and suffering while allowing the memories to stay and serve you with grace.