Grieving For The Yet To Happen

My heart cries out
This way it comes
I feel it and know it
Tears pour forth
They are vague
But intense in their truth
The eeriness of energy
A lack of earth’s breath
It is here where we stand
The other shoe about to drop
I hold my breath without conscious thought
Breathe I scream at myself
The earth’s next breath will kill
Not by intention
Simply by rhythmic expression
It is inevitable
We as a species have lost touch
Have made a life too solid
Leaving us without knowing
With no ability to migrate with the breath
We sit in silent stillness that looks busy
Pretend it cannot happen
It is some future lives who will see
But it comes
Please spare me your shock and dismay
The information is there
You refused to look, to feel, to listen
You mocked those who warn
Presented us with closed minds
Why should we listen to your tears now
Together we could have mitigated the pain
You prevented this from occurring in your arrogance
I cry not for you
But for your innocent children
Those with no voice
Those with no choice
The power brokers and their greed
Having taken away the power of the many
Leaving them to linger where they know they should not
Because of economic slavery
Those raised with false belief
Spoon fed that big brother will warn them
Protect and save them
Left with no knowledge to save themselves
I weep for the billions of other species
They feel it coming
Tied too closely to humans
Many will not be able to express the instinct inside
We will trample upon that which they need to survive
In an attempt to save ourselves
Causing more destruction with every step
The pain will collapse upon us
We will not see it as our own choice to tune out
But the majority will blame God
Claim it as punishment
Instead of natural cycles of life
Align!
Wake up!
Hear the whispers of the winds of change!
It blows around me this day
In gusts of inner knowing
The tears surface and fade
Grieving for the yet to happen

Tatiacha ~ April 5, 2011

To My Friends

Friends of honor
Friends of integrity
To this day we rise
I come to you in honesty
Offer you my respect
With my heart I offer gratitude
And honor the souls that you are
Sometimes our road is twisted
Mistakes we will make
We honor them all with apology
We ask and then expect more of ourselves
We deliver more
It is in our support and love
We find our way
I thank you for the truths you’ve told
Those I saw and those I resisted
Those that made me cry
For they were offered with love
From honesty
You came to me with heart open
I hold these hearts with tenderness
I know the grace of who you are
It is more than this day
This month or year
The infinite nature of our connection is within
We are those who know and see these things
We journey alone but cross paths
Some crossings are short
Some long
All are significant and enduring
You remind me of who I am
Who I was created to be in wholeness
I do the same for you
This path has been so very hard
Each day you all remind me of its beauty
And the blessings we share
Often lost in the fog of our lessons
It presents itself back to us
We listen and we pray together and for one another
We sit quiet and exchange energies
Near or far there is no distance between us
In moments we may take one another for granted
This is not one of those moments
I am in awe of all that you have accomplished
While a clueless world looks on
They see nothing
Feel nothing
As they sit unknowing in the circle of our love
In the greatest of these challenges
Somehow we have found one another
From across this earth we love
It is the most wondrous gift
May we fill our hearts with magic
Then bless it upon each other
We have earned these blessings
Through honoring each other
And it is with a vulnerable heart
That I choose to give blessings of love
To each and all of you
And hold you in sacred space
Honored to call you friends

Tatiacha ~ March 12, 2011

Right To Be

Tears seen long in advance
Tears come within this dance
Tears or not I took this chance

They own me not and soon will pass
My Morris code between dot and dash
See into my heart like a looking glass

Between raindrops I cannot run
Though wet, emotions they must come
What was felt cannot be undone

I honor each drop as it falls
Truthful with all that I recall
Refuse to build up brand new walls

I trusted and trust got betrayed
But open my heart willingly stayed
One day the betrayal part will fade

Honoring the moment this I did
In that moment it was he that hid
Now farewell to that moment I will bid

The choice was good and it was true
The choice was all I could do
Now it is done and I start anew

I learned the truth of all I am worth
And now I am in a process of rebirth
I walk forth proudly on this earth

Not asking what is wrong with me
I am fine that is clear to see
I have earned my right to be

Tatiacha ~ March 12, 2011

Elk

Whispers seek outpouring of strength
An omen to portend of this time
They cross in front of me
And begin to run
I watch and feel the urgency
Speed and agility in union
Bending to cross the creek
They serpentine to the right and pick up speed
The other moves steadily unaware
They head right for impact
Hit she lay on the ground in shock
Gathering around with good intention
A small group convenes
Is she dead
They ponder her fate
Prayers move off them to her
Slowly she comes around
Moving behind obstacles
Hidden from view
She moves opposite the herd
Away from the scene and the danger
She emerges
She crosses over in front of me again
As she moves through the dirt and mud
That is this road
She trips and stumbles
Then returns to her feet
Her grace strength and stamina obvious
She picks up speed
Still somewhat apprehensive
Now understanding this close call
She moves out to the forest alone
The depth of her injuries unknown
She has survived another day
My heart pours out with love to this sign
This inspiration of divine timing
We all survive each day
Until it is the day we do not
I will take my hits
With some I may trip and stumble
But I will return to my path
And continue with the grace of an Elk

Tatiacha ~ March 3, 2011

It Is Here That I Am

It is here that I am
Sitting alone in thought
Transitions due
They move in and change me
I see them in force
Look back but weeks
There is another there
She is not I
Painful is the transmutation
Necessary though it may be
This truth must awaken
Embrace this key factor
It is a gift that comes with hard labor
It brings new life
To both the woman
And the innocence returned
The gifts come like rocks
Not like feathers
They cannot sway and swoon in these winds
Gravity drops them hard
They shake me
Cause a human quake
The rocks blast me with intensity
I question my survival momentarily
Then I get up to assess
I am bruised from the battering
These wounds are temporary and self healing
What looks like destruction
Unfolds faults in foundation
The rebuilding is cathartic
Something much greater comes forth
It could never have been seen
Never understood if brought gently
Brought to my senses
It is here that I am

Tatiacha ~ March 3, 2011

New Pathway

Creeping into view a new pathway is emerging
Eagles soar above
They follow the serpentine flow of the river below
Ice lingers along the banks crackling in the winter sun
I call out for greater sight like the eagles above me
Allow me to see where this pathway leads
For this moment I am grounded
No sight is granted
I must simply tread this winding pathway with my heart
Trust every turn
Acknowledge every stone
Every tree along the way
Root out my foundations and strengths to carry me forward
A new beach is uncovered every time the tide goes out
These emotions have been beating our shores battering us
But the tide has now turned
No one knows what we will find here
Everything has been changed
Some things seem fresh and new
Others damaged from the tidal surges
How they mesh from here we must wait to see
Give over the spirits say
Allow yourself to be receptive to any outcome
One thing leads to something greater
This is the time for dominoes to tumble in a preordained order
I know not this order
All that is seen is the tipping of the first
There is no longer free will choice in this sequence
There is a loss of perceived power
Leading the mind to ponder things unthinkable
Why would such things ever be preordained
Even the mind knows they would not
Still in the absence of the normal it wanders forth in deception
I begin to trust this unfolding
As I become accustomed to its essence
I know I must move farther to embrace it fully
A destiny thus waiting is calling
Elements moving in or out of my pathway
Chosen of my Creator must be accepted with grace
For every sorrow I may befall on this trail
There are joys I am being led to
I will feel each feeling
Give it its truth and acknowledgement
Then continue forward on this new pathway

Tatiacha ~ February 11, 2011

Tears of Unseen Emotion

What will be is not within my domain
There are two that set the course of this movement
Reaching out and responding
Healing and seeking meaning
The hurts have not become us
The sense if impending doom is not certain
Vulnerability speaks out tangibility
Things are on the table
It is required
It pulsates out in waves of prayer
Things in silence bring death
My heart cries out languishing of direction
There are no dots to connect
Only space where confusion reigns
Will there be rebirth here in this act of truth
Sadness may instead be labored
The unknown beats down upon me with its weight
Fears submerge me intermittently
That darkness wants to sink me to the bottom
There is understanding beyond
A course must be taken
The winds blow though switching directions
They cannot be ascertained
My heart is at their mercy
I must submit
Something I do with great trepidation
I bow to the power that knows the mystery
Ask of myself trust in this process
Questioning all that I think I know inevitable
The answers are bound to implode
Perceived as good or bad
Beginning or ending embraced with intensity
Followed by tears of unseen emotion

Tatiacha ~ February 11, 2011

Unified Force

Nudging gently into the space with no time
This energy speaks with its own voice
Its language is clear not obscured
It was offered freely in an act of healing and love
Received without limitation it blends
The merging is infinite and gentle
Life force coming from a source of beauty
It asks only to be received fully
There is no resistance only gratitude
I breathe it in with each breath
Infinitely one it finds perfect harmony
It envelops discord and transmutes it to perfection
It knows me with intuitive intelligence
Directly it focuses to the highest good
Uplifting the flesh, the thought, and emotions
My soul radiates to its vibration
Tunes in to hear it whisper words of divine love
There are no bounds to this gift
No timeline or frequency can contain it
Moving through every possible expression
There is unlimited expansion at its command
All aspects are here and now
This energy has dominion to make it so
Every tentacle drawn to core for integration
The peace becomes us as one
Once two polarities seeking balance
Are now one unified force

Tatiacha ~ January 9, 2011

Flip of Polarities

Can there be a time for which
Bottom is top and top is bottom
A flip of polarities found with ease
Transition of energies sure to please
I sought out this flip from near and far
It makes sense to the heart maybe not the head
Restores grounding to some if not all
Those who resist will surely fall
Like looking though a window
The view is clear but with boundary
There is protection within this place
Of those outside there will be no trace
Trembling the earth as energies flip
Physical and emotional tied together
We change ourselves we change our world
Oceans of water inland are hurled
Look to the tragedy should you desire
What looks bad may very well be good
Open hearts are freely dancing with the flow
Dark forces now have no choice but to go

Tatiacha ~ January 8, 2011

The Sword of Power Thus Passed

Red the earth stone
Solid under my feet
Rimmed in spotty green hues
Saturated by the falling rain
Fallen in the night’s passing
My earth glows below me
Filled with life force
Reaching up through my feet
It fills me with radiant warmth
Each step on this trail solid
Moving with purpose
The movement of female force
Strong in its vulnerability
Love is the sword of this freedom
Full expression brought forth
It can find no resistance
For there is no stronger force
Dare one to stand upon this sacred rock
And proclaim otherwise
All who have walked this trail before us
All who come after join in time and space
We raise this sword of love to full strength
And know these truths
Our earth
Our providing mother
Guides our steps
Through her sacred places
I place my foot bare upon her foundation
One by one the others do the same
We speak out with one voice
Sacred place to sacred place
We take our right of flowing power
Moving between us, the earth
And the divinity of all that is
We claim our rights as faithkeepers
As divine grandmothers
Regardless of bodily age
Servants to the whole
The divine flows though us
From spirit to earth
From earth back to spirit
Divine feminine principle
Takes its rightful place
There is no other pathway
It is preordained now
Expressed in blessings for all life
The sword of power thus passed
Universe has ordained
The earth hath bowed allegiance
We take our planet
The power now fully ours
All not in harmony must move aside
Where the power of love is wielded
There is no battle to be fought
We stand unfaltering
Permission granted on all levels
Feet firmly set in stone
Every location now under our command
The future generations of all species
Ours to make whole
There will be no foundation granted
To any energies moving counter
To the divine force of all that is
So be it
The grandmothers have spoken

Tatiacha Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ January 8, 2011

Void of All Worlds

Spinning effortlessly into a sea of stars
My mind and spirit fly free of body
I am infinite like all that surrounds me
My perceived self scatters in all direction
I merge into the specs of light
The space between me filled with undeniable peace
All things are born here in the space between
Empty black void of unconscious truth
Still and motionless it appears from any given place
But the currents move out in pure intention
They instantaneously move without perception or understanding
They touch the sparks of light that rim the edge of the void
Exploding its display of color in a multitude of fractal patterns
The patterns build and grow until they circle back
The mind and spirit of the originator receives the acknowledgment
It is intended using the law of no harm
The space between accepts the intention of no other law
The void is alive with and without space and time
From the stars in the galaxy to the place within my cells
There is no past present or future
No tangible or intangible differentiation
Any limitation previous perceived abandoned
I am reborn in this void of all worlds

Tatiacha Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ 12-16-10

Divinely Ordained

Alluvial planes spread out before me
They glitter in the twilight of days end
Amber and golden hues beckon me home
They speak to my soul of information once forgotten
I awaken to the breath of a heart’s desire
Clear and true in its simplistic nature
Arms outstretch to embrace the Creator’s law
Universe fills me and pours deep into the earth
The creator force with intent moves through me
Grounds itself to manifestation in the physical
I am a conduit as well as a participant within
Above, below and within merge to one voice
The four directions start to circle around me
They swirl and spiral into the twilight sky
They return the earth energies back to the universe
Completing the circuit of this prayer force
All parts are willing to move forward with single purpose
Harmonized with the power of all life
There is nothing that can stop this whirlwind
It is divinely ordained to seek out its place and expression
As twilight gives way to the deep night of silence
The stars bow in allegiance to the grace of the moment

Tatiacha Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ 12-16-10

This Love

Stirrings and angst
Doubts based in fear
Terrorize my thoughts
Heart in chaos
Turing the up side down
Right side up
Old and new meshed together
Tangles of filaments
Knowing
Question
Knowing
Demanding to be heard
Resistance
Demanding to be ignored
This heart runs wild
It has no counter
A complete rebellion of reason
No reasons can be found
That it cares to hear
Or will acknowledge or consider reasonable
It does as it pleases
Asks no permission
Waits for nothing
Accepts no limitation
Unfettered it demands what it wants
Any sense of control an illusion
I am at its mercy
Surrender it screams
With no fear of outcome
The more resistance
The louder the screams
It crushes me
With physical discomfort
Tangible responses
That even the body will not tolerate
Crying out for breath
For release
For free expression
This love won’t be held down
Held back
Contained or ignored

Tatiacha Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ 12-16-10

Arrival

Trampled
Twisted dreams filled with skies falling
Breaking
Rocking
There is no relief
Fleeting from one to another
They are angry
Stopped with regret
One moment of peace moves through
It is still and quiet
Then it all begins again
Arms outstretch to grasp
And miss with slight touch
Pendulum swings back
There is no center
Flying
Suspended
Time stopped in awareness
Chaos ensues
It is below
It is around
It cannot reach in
There is no sense of place
It is endless and immediate
Painful in time
Empty of breath
No sense of landing
Only arrival

Tatiacha Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ 11-14-10

Glow

Tip toe past light beams streaming
Moon’s glow filtering in
Shadows shimmering in the movement of tree limbs
Enter quietly and you can see
Footsteps go unnoticed
Trust in each movement
Who comes
Who goes
Slipping past with no shadow
An alert is sounded
Only to those who pay attention
There is no fear there now
Only awareness of interconnection
We are welcomed within the solitude
Breezes become touches of unseen influence
Wisps of inspiration sleep therein
Things long locked tight are freed
Familiar though unexpected
Lingering in shadow they lived
Hidden from the glow
Great light of sun cannot expose
These tender fragile filaments
Woven with truths unrevealed
Unspoken words whisper in silence
Idealistic and naïve
Damages before or after could not be perceived
They cluster at the edge
Blocking reach of inquiry
Begging for lunar exposure
Pushing and pulling uncovering tides
Reaching for the glow

Engtovo ~ 11-4-10

From Candida

Feel the love
Let it be
Let it flow
Freedom bleeds in light
Hearts intertwine though all space
Times steps aside
It allows peace to live
There is love here
There
Everywhere
Love is in those veins
Let it go
Let it bleed
More is made
It is of heart
Not body
You cannot run out
Give it
Free it
Be it
It is you
I see it
Feel it
Know it
It is here with me in spirit
It is across the universe
Let it be on earth

~~candida

Tend To My Own Heart

It comes for us
I felt it
I prepared
It faded
I felt it again
I prepared
It faded lightly to boredom
Today I feel it anew
Now it is not a knowing alone
It is full emotional envelopment
It is upon us
Right now
This moment
It takes form
There is sadness there
This is inevitable
Because I am human
Because there will be suffering
I have asked it to make its way forward
To be over with
To simply get on with what must be
The heaviness as it is about to commence is stifling
The sun shines
But the stillness is deafening
The creatures know
Even though it is not in this location
Even the hum of this computer
Seems to weep for the day
There is no casting it aside
There is only acknowledgment
A sense of helplessness prevails
I can offer no warning
What I know is so obscure
There are none that would listen
All I can do is watch for the exact moment and
Tend to my own heart

Engtovo ~ April 14, 2010

Dormancy Leaves

Phones ring
Mail comes
Yet still no notice
I grow impatient
Yet it is there
And though I anticipate its arrival
It will catch me by surprise
I am ready
Yet I will have to remind myself to breathe
There is some small disconnect
That will at that moment be connected
Things swirl so quickly
That I will be on the other end
Looking out in both shock and relief
My breathing deep
And grounded
This mission
This moment
So intense
It explodes with a fury of action
The ability to respond is in place
The puzzle pieces that I have are together
Ready
To quickly and effortlessly
Add those that come
In an instant
Dormancy leaves
Internally there has been action for a long time
It is not seen
Nor heard
Or felt
Known only by me
Outwardly there was only normalcy
But the return to active cycle is here
A volcano looks violent
But it is renewal and rebirth
Apparent chaos is indeed orderly and known
I slip though
I serpentine though what others fear
Unscathed
Led to the path that has no roadblocks
My movement ignored
Arriving at my destination
Filled with energy
Renewed and re-birthed

 

Engtovo ~ April 14, 2010

The Bond Is Already Being Built

The eagle circles above me

Then soars off to the light

The sky hazy blue and melancholy

Many will lose their lives

They will spiral into the light

Hearts of survivors will mourn

The world will watch and mourn with them

This day had no choice but to come

These cycles like each individual spiral of the eagle above

This is not punishment of individual

Or country

It is just the way of things

We humans

We build things and expect them to outlast us

Why do we do such a thing

Is it our desire to return to immortality

We want to leave behind children

Grandchildren

But mostly things

We call these things societal achievements

But they are perhaps simply monuments to arrogance

When they crumble

We weep

We weep for these things as much as for the loss of life

We vow to rebuild these things in testament to the lives lost

But those who spiral out of this world to the world of spirit

They do not want these testaments

It is we who want to believe that rebuilding respects their lives

What if leaving things alone is really respect

What if learning that there are some places where human things do not belong

Is what is in truth respect

Perhaps we should finally learn

Flood planes…. flood

Shores of hurricane areas

Should be left to nature for all to enjoy when the weather is good

Certain types of things should not be built where they will shake to the ground

We disrespect that each place is unique

We humans should live there in a way unique to that place

Now the eagle soars

And we will weep once again

This time so great is the weeping

That the world will weep with us

Eagles will continue to circle and soar

Humans will vow to rebuild

But the time for rebuilding is over

The old world will die with those who leave it

A new world is being born

It comes from the depth of space

From the love of creation

And from the beauty of our earth mother

Watching death hurts the human soul

We have learned that people we love die and we grieve

We have not been taught how to grieve the loss of a world

Societies and religions

Cultures and languages

They start to leave us now and most watching will not see

They will see only when they soar above having left their bodies

Yes it will be the worst of times

Watching our world die

Even though it is fraught with pain and despair

It is still our comfort zone because it is the known

We move now into what is unknown to most

The masses will be frozen with fear

The few will move though having been shown the new world to come

We have tried to prepare out hearts for what we will lay witness to

There are some things too great to fully comprehend

So we will act on pure divine instruction

We will process much after it is all said and done

We will share an experience of survival that will run deep

It will bond us

It will instill in us the importance of things this world takes for granted

Our survival experience began spiritually and emotionally some years back

This day it begins in a most physical way

In a sense we will look back and say this is the day we joined hands and jumped

Our hands were spread across the world

We know not who each other are yet

And yet the bond is already being built

Engtovo ~ April 14, 2010

I Choose Joy

The words are sent
The emotions intense
The outcome unknown
The window is small
But there
It is not the most likely path
It is in fact the least likely
But it is
The only one left
To singularity
I am sad
Heavy
But I feel lightness
Forming and moving
Such a long road
So much unsaid
Shoved deep down
Sickening me
Now the sickness
Clears
Replaced by divine force
I am astounded
My movements
I feel it
But it is unrecognized
A small flutter
Something awakens
It has slept
Since the moment of change
Waited for this day
Who knew
This would be the day
This day I have asked for
And yet have avoided
So many opportunities
But it was not fully ripe
Now out of the pain
The release
Comes the sweetness
One heart
Blooming
It is instantaneous
This change
His reaction is known
He will hurt
He cannot escape his own actions
Compassion is there in me
But I will not
Go there with him
This is his journey now
I moved in my pain
He made his choices
I choose joy

Engtovo ~ December 30, 2009

Destined to Circle

No message
Short nor long
Distance increased
No thought given
To hearts beyond your own
Selfish impulses
While lying to all
How did it come to this
Sentimental moments
You let go
Maintaining deception
Has replaced your heart
You have approval
Of others you sought
Yet it will crumble
If truth enters
Life of lies
Like the heaviest burden
Your own making
You carry it
Your knees weak
The pain increases daily
You hide behind the two
Waxing about the third
Using them
To shield your burden
Eventually you will force
Them to carry
As your mother
Gave hers to you
You will have to bury
What’s left of love
Walk as the living dead
Old while young
Washed up without experience
Stuck in time
Unable to expand
Destined to circle
And circle
One tiny set of emotions
They have no depth
No dignity
No truth
They are make believe
Centered in fear
Running into walls
Never seeing them coming
You think you see me
But even your surface view
Is limited
You will see only in death
As the one who came before you
And one who came before her
Doors were opened
You chose to shut them
All the universe watched
Saddened at the loss of potential
And so it is
And I ponder it all.

Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ December 23, 2009

Beloved Caroleena

He Prays
His voice strong and clear
His dedication unquestioned
She is led to his energy alone
One spirit has shown her
Here is
the one
Willing
He will be of service if asked
She asks
He agrees
He returns to his prayers he is without selfish pride
He focuses only on forward movement
Caroleena calls
She ask that it be time
Lestadha hears
She obliges
Great joy ensues
Preparations are at hand
A Dharlja to be born
No coupling required
Divine hand is enacted
The monks vows unaffected
Hearts are ablaze
With love for new life
Mother to be
Radiant
Angelic hierarchy celebratory
As another of their own
Comes home to divine expression
Beloved Caroleena
We embrace thee

 

Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ December 23, 2009

Gratitude for the Grace

Lies and deception again

Looting of truth has occurred

New life is brought into pain

It all escapes me

Is there a point to any of it

Can a intelligent person find a way to justify it

Sadness comes forth

Anger is there but fleeting

It has been exhausted in times past

Acceptance is finally on the table

This grieving process concludes

It seems such a waste for there is no death

These people appear to have been preprogrammed

The intervention occurred

After years of trust and love

Sacrifice and teaching

They came to nothing

It is almost inconceivable

Am I an alien in this strange world of family

I appear to have a different definition

Of family

These others

They use the word

They play a part

Until it does not suit them

They leave

Then take it up again later

When it temporarily suits them again

Its all fake

They cherry pick information and emotion

To suit their lies

I go back to the beginning

I ponder and look

I was there and yet

Something so different

Somehow came out of the same source

It confuses me

I look for the how

And there is no answer

It makes no sense

It was imperfect

There was pain and confusion

I wear those scars

But cannot see how it could become this

They do not express the experience

They are on their own path

A downward spiral

Finding new lows in our lineage

As I take note

There is gratitude in my heart

That I chose the forward path

Not regression

Devolution

The gap has widened too far

Once there was still possibility

No longer is that so

I held out the prayer

The desire for healing there

But is has been rejected

There are no more rejections possible

Time has run out

I cannot allow those who claim love

To lie and deceive

I deserve better

I know what my definition of family is

They do not fit

I will stop hoping that they will

For hope is the victimization of hopelessness

It does not suit me

I am not a victim

I choose love and freedom

Gratitude for the grace

It is done

 

Engtovo ~ October 17, 2009

Release Me

Dark brooding space

The pit so deep

It is never filled

Tugging at me

Pulling

Pulling

Grasping on the edge

Dirt under my fingernails

Failing

Falling

Never ending drop

Suspended there

Indefinitely

Queasy

Breaking

Absence of air

Like drowning

In no water

No true emotions

Just falsity all around

No hearts

Just zombies

An underworld

Somehow it’s mine

But I don’t want it

I feel myself

I am becoming one of them

Cold

Empty

Lost

Hear me

Screaming

Gasping

Crying

Dying here

Within myself

Seeking

The slightest ray of light

To release me

 

Engtovo ~ September 10, 2008

Long Constant

Why do I do it again

I don’t understand

What is different here

It is like there is a separate set of laws

An alternate reality

That appears to be the same

Simple things won’t work here

Understandings come

Nothing changes

Is that possible

A long constant

A battle that is unending

Bleeding flow

Leaving me tried

Unable to function

Death and life are the same here

They linger with a stench

The corpses walk though actions

The meaning out of grasp

Not knowing if they are dead or alive

They seek life

But they are denied

They seek death fully

And they are denied

This walk between the worlds

It consumes me

I am left to function as ashes

There are no connections

I thirst but there is no water here

Only sand and dirt

My ashes are spread

They cannot touch

Fading

But still feeling

There is no reunion

Only black dirt

That stands between us

We are expected to nourish

But we are nothing

Have nothing

But this long constant

 

Engtovo ~ September 10, 2008

The Heart Yearns & The Mind Follows

Candle burns quickly

Betraying the shifting of time

It is done but unseen in this moment

It is bigger than expected

So big I feel pulled to it

When it was to be pulled to me

I give up pieces of myself willingly

They are no longer needed

But the discomfort of them leaving

Envelops this moment

It’s a journey planned but unknown

Its outline rough

The details shifting with each passing day

Mind desires to pin it down

Spirit knows better than to try

I reach my hand out to touch it

It is fuzzy and soft

Warm and comforting

But the other side is shielded

It is that side that will have to be tolerated

It is not the whole

Not even half

But it comes with the deal

It is the small print

The unspoken

It won’t last long

But each moment of it filled with demands

It cannot be avoided

It cannot be embraced

It is just what is

Human nature will make its so

I walk alone into this undefined plan

Knowing others will join me there

But I can’t help but hesitate

Wonder

Dream

Of a circle of hands

Walking in together

It’s foolish thinking

Wanting something that is asking too much

But the heart yearns

And the mind follows

 

Engtovo ~ August 31, 2008

My Fear

Shiver hits

Races up the spine

Familiar energy

A gift of acknowledgment

Though it is felt

Mood remains unchanged

Melancholy

Searching

Questioning everything

Tears well and recede

There is no subject matter

Just release

Attempted understanding

Neither head nor heart

Offer up information

There is a void

A heaviness

A slow aching pull

To unknown places

Something is being birthed

It labors in my chest

It’s insatiable

Uncomfortable

Confined

Cut the strings

Set it forth

Something good must come of this

A final push of emotion

I feel it

It is uncertain

Wild

Uncontrollable

What am I supposed to do with this

Run toward it

Run away

Be still

I fear no good can come of this

My fear

I know it better than I know myself

It wrote my history

How much longer must it write the future

 

Engtovo ~ August 31, 2008

Peace Is Still Not Found

Needy

Grasping

Pushing pulling

Confusion of familiarity

Aching

Turning

Sending receiving

Puzzle pieces missing

Heart calls out

No answers looming

Clock keeps ticking

Why can’t it be clear

Control fading

Something looming

Feelings unprepared

Fire burning

Sweet light nearing

Meaning can’t be found

Turmoil inside

Insanity outside

Peace is still not found

 

Engtovo ~ August 30, 2008

It Is Good

Temptation past

To do for

No longer a question

Each will contribute

Equally from the divine

No burdens

Do we carry

There is only joy

Re-seeding all that is good

Rebuilding

Requires no sacrifice

Hearts joining

Unison of vision

Beauty

There is peace

In the sounds blending

Sweetness and innocence

Offered to all

Trust is complete

Above and below

Individuality

Without separation

The saboteurs gone

Each one is giddy

Thrilled

Hands filled with rainbows

Colored rays

Blending out to infinity

This view has never been seen

It was chosen

Envisioned

Created

And it is good

 

Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ June 14, 2008

New Earth

Waters move

Mountains reach higher

Some blow their tops

The earth shakes and shivers

Animals sleep

Overseen by divine hands

A world is being reborn

It looks difficult

Painful

But it is no different

Than the butterfly

Ripping open the chrysalis

There is already a new earth

It is right under the crust

It is formed

In the image of perfection

Ready to burst forth

When the chrysalis

Is finally ripped apart

Earth mother will sit

While her symbolic wings dry

These continents when dry

Will fill with new life

The humans of the new earth

Will be free

Of their past incarnation as caterpillar

They will not crawl and toil and struggle

They will fly free

With joy

Bringing fertility to the new earth

With harmony

All will live as one

There will be no veil

Between earth and spirit

All creatures

Will feel the full love of creation

The suns

Blue and yellow will shine forth

Their full light

Illuminating day and night

The stars will shine

But there will be no full darkness

Laughter and song

Will fill the night

And the day

The rains will nurture the lands

The snows will fill the high mountains

Springs giving life to new rivers

Flowers blooming

Fruits pouring forth

Skies clear and pure

New earth

With the perfect innocence

Of the fluttering of butterfly wings

Being chased by

Joyous children laughing

 

Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ June 14, 2008