Figment of my Imagination

Twenty eight years gone by
I hardly can fathom as I write
Since the conspiracy of you began
Whispers in my ear
Validating my dreaming
Telling me all I want to hear
The life and family
The harmony of souls
The now worn out cards of various variety
Torn and tattered are their books
Twenty eight years of questions answered
Yet you are nowhere in sight
I have felt your presence so close
You were almost physical
Then you are gone like a warm breeze
I am told soon, patience, plans, healing
Healing turned into a lifetime
My dreams of you stripped one by one
Are you a figment of my imagination?
A joint delusion of my path,
Simply a carrot held out as reward,
For being dutiful on my journey
You have turned me into an old cynic
I want to believe you still exist
Yet what excuse do we have for one another now
What have we been doing separate
Instead of supporting together
Could we both be that broken?
Did you lose your way?
Leave this planet?
Or did you exist at all?
Perhaps you gave up
Took another love
And gave her my children
Maybe you do not even notice my absence
You could be happy and oblivious
Why can’t my heart give up?
My mind has tried a million times
Why can’t I simply accept this solo journey?
Perhaps it was always meant to be such
But I grieve it all
As if it is real
Maybe you are but a vivid character
Of a book I am yet to write
A novel of unattainable love
That kind that can only survive fiction
I make plans for my life
With all the drawers filled
But when I visualize them into creation
There are always empty drawers for you
No moving forward
No letting go
Just agonizing truth of a ghostly figure
You have no form
Yet somehow I know your smile
You simply torture me
Heart weary I question
If you showed up now
Would I even care?
Would I even want you?
Could you even be half the man envisioned?
Could I be even half the woman you envisioned?
Or would we just be two disillusioned hearts
I process the anger
For the lifetime of support I did not have
Where were you?
My partner
My friend
My lover
Father of the children I do not have
Grandfather of the grandchildren that will never come
Why did I think you were worth waiting for?
What makes you so god damn special
Was there no plan B or C?
My imagination vivid
Visions so clear
Facts are fictions and maybe fictions facts
This day I sit alone and write
And you are not here
I may declare I am done with this
But I will awaken to a new day
And you will be there
Still invisible, untouchable
Mocking me
I will be a split personality
One part that never stops believing
And another that can’t sustain you
So much for 28 years of healing
There is no healing the figment of my imagination
Because he might be real.

Tatiacha ~ February 4, 2017

 

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Cheeto in Chief

January 20th dawns
Comes in like a bang
My Way his song
He danced and he sang

Melania pulled away
And scowled a lot
To the tower to stay
In the White House she’s not

He had his tantrums
She rolled her eyes
Obama in the doldrums
Michelle she did sigh

Smile though they did
Fake it all was
One great big fib
For all the press buzz

The Clintons stood together,
Baby Bush there too
Carter did weather
The event of the fool

He took his oath
Pence he did too
There stood them both
All red white and blue

No unity in his speech
Without healing force
No one can bleach
Regurgitation of remorse

A world in disgust
At America’s belly
They rightfully distrust
A Cheeto so smelly

The racists do celebrate
The women haters too
The rest of us contemplate
Those who have no clue

In the women come
They march in the millions
They are far from done
We number in billions

Millions he counted
With press secretary lies
Spicer was mounted
On display til he dies

Waaa cried the Cheeto
They steal my thunder
My day was neato
They plowed it under

Pussies he grabs
Doing as he wishes
While illegals he hired
Have been doing his dishes

His misogynist ways
Enshrined for years
No matter what he says
He is at fault for the tears

A tyrant in wait
Frustrated he tweets
“You’ll remember this date”
Stomping his feet

“I’ll get them all back
I shall do it I swear
Executive order attack
I’ll grimace and stare”

“Immigrants and trade
I’ll smash them I will
It may be forbade
I will not wait for a bill”

“No DAPL I crush
With my hammer like pen
Throw in Keystone to hush
That aboriginal den”

“I’ll take their land
Give it to big oil
By my greedy tiny hand
Take that Indian soil”

“America must stand tall
Succumb you will
I wanna build a wall
You pay the bill”

No, Mexico will say
Pay it we will not
Not tomorrow or today
Not a little or a lot

Healthcare on the line
Planned Parenthood too
He says “all is fine”
To the Christians he woos

“I need validation as
Russia’s in the news
The media’s creation
Putin made Hills lose”

“Gag them all now
Kick them all out
Reporters must bow
Science has no clout”

“National parks shut up
State department must quit
Why bring this stuff up
When I hate every bit”

“There must be voter fraud
My ego is on the line
Popular vote to a broad
I’ll undo that in time”

“The Generals are wrong
Screw the Intelligence too
Then sing another song
Lie all the way through”

“I’ll torture at black sites
Its evil I know
The world I will fight
Cause this is my show”

“A reality star I am
Keep the cameras rolling
I slaughter the lamb
My methods controlling”

“Fascist ways I seek
Corporations do own me
Eventually it will leak
My patriotism phony”

“The globalist plans
You thought I would fight
You didn’t understand
I’m a billionaire and white”

“I’ve been one of them
All along do you see
Despite all the gems
You believed on TV”

Flip flop, flop flip
He turns on a dime
Yes he’s a dick
Known that for some time

Fighting with leaders
With tweets to and fro
Like all bottom feeders
To the bottom they go

Conflicts of interests
Refusing of blind trust
Is he on Pinterest
Cause twitter is a bust

Here goes week one
Of four long years
The damage a ton
Thus all the fears

He has a crazy toupee
As all buffoons do
It should warn us away
A great big orange BOO

Dear Cheeto in Chief
Fight you we will
We know you are a thief
And impeachable still.

Tatiacha ~ January 26, 2017

 I am not a liberal
Independent am I
Please take this literal
I am sick of this guy

As The River Flows

Upper Rogue RIver

The course is unknown but also predetermined
This flow can be dammed with delay, but not stopped
It will break through or overtop any obstacle in time
As we flow we gain energetic momentum
We are charged with a magnetic force of life
It grows with each passing bend
Propelling us to eventually meet the sea
Time tenuously flows atop the moving water
We cannot see around the next bend
As we serpentine our way through these unknown lands
We know not all that lie upon the banks
Or where we may need to portage to continue forward
We know only that our heart flows as the river flows

Tatiacha ~ 11-30-16

Absence of Silence

The Absence of silence permeates this abode
Leaving no room, no space, for the sacred
The drumbeat cannot be heard amidst the clamor of chatter
The bells do not sound, the bowls do not ring
The ocean drowned out in an outpouring of noise
The absence of music leaves the halls bare of holy vibration
The songs go unsung as the days turn to months
The absence of spirit goes unnoticed to the others
Spirit’s messages not spoken aloud
Prayers crowded out of this silent less space
No truths are sought outside this room
This room bombarded by routine and fear
Tearing at the fabric of its vibration
I shift myself and the noise rips at my flesh
It rips at my soul and my mind
Offering no solace to the seeker
The absence of knowing resonates out there
Bouncing around it makes noise of its own
It hits the walls of this small space with a thud
My knowing is silenced by that incoming fear
SHUT UP! I silently scream
But nothing in silence is heard above the din
The TV screams the dramas, she does not comprehend
While sports in headphones are cursed aloud by him
Alone I contemplate the reason for it all
Waiting for the golden hour of 10 for it to come to an end
Finally in silence but there is no room for sacred sounds
Now I must tip toe and silence myself
To give them space for restful sleep
The absence of balance strips me of energy
I do all in the stillness of night but rest not
Before I awaken tomorrow it will have begun again
No space for the meditative peace
No energetic space to rest and heal a weary body and mind
In the absence of silence I wait
I escape to the beach in stolen moments
To give the earth my heart
The noise of this house so loud
It pulls me back with guilt as if I am doing something wrong.
I am not wrong!
I will not abandon the divine to the noise
I will steal every moment of communion I can
My life has never belonged to your noise
There is a higher power that calls me
It has always called me
You cannot drown out that call
There is no absence of silence loud enough

Tatiacha ~ November 18, 2016

Fledgling

IMG_0642-signed

Fledgling sits
Breeze in his feathers
Sun shines down
His destiny at hand
He was born to fly
The sky his domain
The winds his companion
He watches all around
Surveying the atmosphere
His wings stretch out
Testing
Waiting for his moment
His feathers embrace the subtle shifts
As the winds move past him
Rocking him gently
It is like a conversation
There will be a moment
Those winds will whisper
Go
He reaches his wings out and
He launches off the nest
With full knowing
The winds will hold him
Turn him
Lift him
And allow him to soar
His first taste of freedom
It is exhilarating
He is alive
Flowing with his purpose
He has tasted his future
Retuning to his nest to rest
He will continue to taste the winds
Bit by bit
Until it is second nature
Like a child’s first step
His first flight
Is his rite of passage

Tatiacha Bhodsvatan ~ August 1, 2015

 

Reclamation of Love

Diving deep
Crisis of faith
I flounder
I weep
I wonder
I question and doubt
Fears come forth
They are recognized
Give in
Give over
They scream
I know they will not serve me
I don’t want to empower them
But I doubt the validity of my view
They throw me down to the ground
The pain is excruciating
I don’t even want to get up
They want me to stay down
For a moment we are in harmony
But then I feel a shift
I can’t do this anymore
Cannot just lay here
Bored
Stagnant
In pain
I have contemplated allowing death
But if death wanted me
It did not come quick enough
I will not just wait for death
The only option is healing
So I activate my dedication
I give myself permission to doubt
To let go
To be in the flux of chaos
Not knowing the outcome
Crisis of faith as a process
Becomes the stepping stones
My evolution continues to unfold before me
Rigidity cannot be sustained
It must be ok to be wrong
To reaffirm truth
Reject that which I cannot hold
Where does confidence become rigidity
Where does doubt become humility
I choose to reclaim love
In this reclamation of love
I let go of definition
I don’t know and it is ok
I leave the door open
Knowledge of the higher can arrive
Or I can remain unknowing in love
Free of rigidity
With loves reclamation
Faith in my purpose is refined
Focused
Gifted to my heart
Like a homecoming of the lost
It fills my heart
I have become the beacon
I no longer need any other to light my pathway
My own love lights the way

Tatiacha ~ January 17, 2014

 

Lies of Youth

You changed me
Laughter
Love
Pain
Disappointment
Distant
But always near
Kids bound
Freed by choice
The path forked
Unseen
Not understood
Right
Good
That which I am
Formed in moments
Remembered
And forgotten
Thank you
For your essence
Your ignorance
Your wisdom
Your pain
We touch
Cross points
Fade away
You’ll never know me
I was a ghost
An apparition of your desire
Absent from your senses
A thing
With no tangibility
Object of love
Discarded
As a truth
All just the lies of youth

Tatiacha ~ November 24, 2013