It Is My Time

Withholding
Holding out
Not giving
Leaving me nothing to receive
Leaving me to feel I do not deserve to receive
Am not good enough
Just not enough
So I give and give and give
Never can I give enough
To believe I am enough

But your withholding was never about me
It was you
Unwilling to give
Not able to receive
The circle endlessly moves
It spirals from one generation to the next

I must stop and receive
Remove from my life those who withhold
Create space for those ready to give and receive
For my giving was never received
Not truly
Not appreciated
Seen or valued
Always heaped upon the broken
Validating the lack of worth
The lie
The delusion
That this pattern was ever about me

I receive so I am filled full
My heart is filled to overflowing
Ready to burst for the one who is the same
Together we breathe in and out
Every breath a self fulfilling prophecy of oneness
Healed heart understanding
Cuts away those who withhold from me
And the part of me that accepted that as normal
Patterned myself unknowingly
Perpetuated the pain

Breathe in receive
Breathe out give
Repeat

I call you healing warrior
Mirror me our new truth
And live it out with me in each day
We understand the significance
We never take for granted
The simplicity of this undeniable truth
For us it will be easy because we are ready now
In tandem like one beating heart between us

I await and in this waiting I receive from within
From the divine
From the earth
My soul purified through fire and water
The earth holds me and air fills my earthly body

Like a flower I bloom
The timing has always belonged to the divine
Programmed into me
Like a flower programmed to bloom
It is my time
Heart open
I am

Tatiacha ~ July 2, 2020

Rearview Mirror

I see you in my rearview mirror
In the back seat
Trying to hide from my view
But watching me while I drive
Gauging me
Trying to figure me out
You’ll learn nothing back there
There is no interaction
No input on direction
The fear there is palpable
The influence of pressure
The nonchalance of indifference
Yet there you are
Watching
Unable to quite look away
Demanding of yourself that you do
That you should
There is something beckoning
You wonder if it lives in that reflection
The external looks away
The internal is obsessed
The hindsight is unnerving
Is this the past or a reflection of today
Eyes darting from the road ahead
To glances of this vision behind me
You feel like a ghost there
A mere energy
Now invisible from even the rearview mirror
Yet there you are
So I drive
I continue
I feel

~ Tatiacha June 10 & 20 2020

Aces

Trembling prisms of light
Vibrate this message to all life
We are here
At this precipice
The Major Arcana is wiped clean
The Minor sways to adjust
News laws are written
Old laws once ignored
Are now enforced with the new
Spasms of joyous waves burst forth
With the butterfly effect
They move outward and inward
All timelines
All frequencies
All dimensions
Intertwine into one grid
No veils
We are exposed
The darkness finds no hidden corners
There are no loopholes to finagle
Illumination bridges all gaps
Bends
Twists
Turns
And explores all crevices
Standing alone is the High Priestess
The Hierophant she has stripped of false witness
She has struck down The Emperor
And reprimanded The Empress for her subservience to him
She has integrated The Fool, Strength, and The Chariot
Abolished the Tower and freed the Hanged Man
The Hermit has been taken by Death
And faced down the Devil in Judgment
The Wheel of Fortune has tuned
The World has found balance once more
The Magician now her Lover
Justice and Temperance now rule
Divine feminine with Magic Masculine
Priestess and Magician embrace The Sun, The Moon and The Stars
The Kings and Queens have no kingdoms
Pages and Knights flounder with no purpose
The Wands, Cups, Swords, and Pentacles
Freed of oppression and control
Oneness is all that is
Retuned to the original four directions
Everything now is coming up Aces

Tatiacha ~ February 3, 2019

I Am Fire

Fire within
Spirit glows like a sun
It shines out these old chakras
Creating rays in all directions
The colors are pure
Breath of life feeds this fire
Like a strong wind
Feeding a run up a mountain
It is burning out my poisons
In body
In mind
Thought and emotion
It frees parts of me hardened
Fiery lava that I allowed to reach deep emotion
The fire of the spirit
Is not meant to be controlled by watery emotions
Emotions are meant to be channeled
Where the fire has given them a pathway
They have no right to harden the molten purity of me
Unless I have placed a piece of myself at their mercy
For the purpose of making it permanent as element earth
Elements water and earth
Are my yin and yang
Cool flowing or structured
They make this body
But the body is not me
It is only temporary
I am fire hot
My breath like a dragon
Not to be confused with emotions perceived as hot
My fire soul expresses the divine
There is passion
Love
Understanding
Creation
Truth
Vision
Giving life to this physical form
Without it this physical form collapses
And returns to earth particles
My inner sun soul must feed this body
Feed this mind
For them to express properly
I lay myself bare to the fire
Allowing any obstacle living within me to be burned away
These things lack balance
They are not part of my yin
Nor part of my yang
They attempt to separate my breath from my true fire
Breath of life will not be denied
It finds cracks in which to enter
And I have ripped them open in this surrender
The fire burns hotter
The light therein grows and shines bright
Consuming all darkness
I came with this fire
I shall leave with this fire
For I was born as this burring light as spirit
The world taught me I was body
But I am fire

Tatiacha ~ June 16, 2018

 

 

Samantha

Samantha Footprints- b&w (2)

Laying still
Mouth agape
So beautiful
This tiny body
Perfect fingers and nails
I long to see her eyes
Hear a gurgle or a cry
She is of me
This empty vessel I hold
She grew within my womb
We shared a life most intimate
Touching me from inside
She moved and tapped
I dreamed a future for her
Knowing she was a girl
There was no proof then
I just knew
My baby girl
I looked at the little tiny outfits
Imagining her precious smile
I wait while my stomach grows
Feeling her presence
Then movement stopped
I no longer felt her presence
There was an absence of pressure
My heart knew
I did not need the doctor to tell me
My precious daughter was gone
Dead within me
I knew
The tears could not be contained
They flowed in an endless stream
Enough to fill a river of anguish
A relationship ending abruptly
Without explanation
Left with labor to induce
And then this little body
Young and inexperienced
I did not dress you
Or clean you
I did not know I would want to
The cap hides your head misshapen by birth
But you are perfect
Your soul free in the wind
I am alone
The only person who knew you
The only person to grieve you
My beloved one
My daughter
I did not know you would be my only child
But even 10 children could not erase you
You flew away with a piece of my heart
And that is as it should be
In the stillness you live
Sending back love to me

Tatiacha ~ May 18, 2018

Samantha Final

 

Celestial Event

Planets in motion
Bring up commotion
From deep space it rises
Painful surprises

Here I do lay
Processing this day
Back to the core
To dig up some more

I stand in tatters
Question what matters
This brain eggs me on
Stillness long gone

Seeps out like a gas
Soon this shall pass
Wilderness calls out
Time for a walkabout

Retrieve pieces of heart
Torn sunder at the start
This path straight and true
Obstructions are through

Celestial event unfolds
Just as I was told
The sky though within
Where it has always been

All that is within me
Becomes all it can be
Heart open and pure
The event is now sure

Tatiacha ~ February 11, 2018

The Burning of My Heart

I write lyrics in the day and by night
Hiding them safely away from all view
They are for me alone never to meet music
It’s to scary to let them out into the world
They speak of pain, of love, of anger, and harsh truth
The notebook safely holds them tight
Neatly typed and filed in order

Then the day of anguish came
I am grieving
In this grief so deep there are no rhymes
Lyrics turn to poems
Poems of the one I loved so deep
No greater love has come though
It is the love of mother for child
First I write you are “mine only mine”
And then comes “ I am a mother too and no one knows”
at least a dozen more are to follow
I no longer remember their names
One day, six years after the passing
In a moment of immense fear of being seen
I think if I die tomorrow I do not want anyone to see these
To see my vulnerable inner heart
I am too wounded to share that deeply
And I do not know how
I start a fire and the burning begins
The burning of my heart
It now is the one regret of my life
Oh how I wish I had the memory to call them back
To share with young mothers in loss this grief
That they can know they are not alone in that pain

One poem that came in the night from a voice on the other side
And one lyric survived the burning stuffed away somewhere
Then I stopped writing both poems and lyrics
One day the spirit wrote a poem though me and then one more
I ignored it and moved on
Til the poet muse entered my life
And said you shall write now I assign you this task
She was adamant and was not hearing any arguments
So fulfill this assignment I did
The door opened again and poems flowed out
Once again I wanted to hide
Not allow them to be seen
But spirit said no they must go out
It does not matter if they are seen, only that they can be
I would never heal keeping my heart to myself
And so I stepped them out inch by inch
Hating every moment, fearing I am not sure what
Emotions are universal we all have them
Why would my own be unusual
Why is exposure of them terrifying
Who taught me to surround them in shame
To feel I have no right to them
It is like saying I have no right to be
It must be the same people who always told me to shut up
Told so many times that eventually I did shut up
Not just my verbal words
But my whole heart
Taking me to the day of burning that heart
It will not happen again
I will not be shut up
It may have taken decades
But my voice is strong and won’t be held back
Perhaps no one will listen or care
But I will scream from the rooftops my truth
The place those people lived inside me will hold no sway
I am not that child now, I am a mother
My only child lay dead in my arms at her birth
That pivotal horrible moment of my life
Sent me down the road to spirit
And created poems along the inner pathway.

Tatiacha ~ January 8, 2018

Circle of Silver Shimmers

Sequester complete
She returns to life
Takes control of her outcome
By owning her power
Those demons within
Denied the authority
That authority was given wounded
Unknowing
In pursuit of survival
Those people and events
That tore at her soul
Scared her with pain
Now seen with the eyes of love
The love taught intellectual
Now descended to the core
Clearing out the false hatred
She foisted upon her self
From reflections of others
Now prepared to make choices
Reflective of respect
In harmony with her divine being
Now the choices are not fads
Not plans requiring will power
The impulse to sabotage gone
These plans are now simple
They are acts of choice
Not desperations of victimization
A change in behavior
A total change in lifestyle
Not a means to an end
Yet this true choice brings the end
That she has sought for so long
Because this comes from authentic self
Not inner demon who sought to punish
Crimes not committed
She both sees and feels this true self emerge
Not by magic
But through years of work
Culminating this moment
A puzzle complete
Priorities now obvious and clear
She honors herself
From this day forward
She wears this crown of honor
In a circle of silver shimmers
Hiding nothing
Welcoming the crone with celebration
Not grief
Her misspent youth
Fading into the wisdom it has become
The best years of her life begin today
A woman knowing herself
Standing strong
Blessed with truth
She is released to the will of the Goddess
Emboldened by this flow
True female power holds forth
This does not come from female attractiveness
Not from sexuality
Or fertility to make new lives
It comes from the void of the divine
Where all things come forth
Out of the dark safe cocoon
Transmutation complete
Into the light she is born
Ready to fly
We are taught to watch the pretty young girl
And grieve her passing
Thinking she and her sexuality are the power
But that young woman
Controlled by her hormones
More than her heart and soul
Is the distraction
From the true power that is woman
She sheds her fertility of body
And puts on the cloak of her fertility of spirit
Now she is unstoppable
Untamable
No man can control her
The will of the Goddess becomes her
The tides of man shift
The silver shimmer of women
Honoring the true self
And the earth mother
Come to take back the world
For all life
Millennium to century
Decade to year
Month to Week to day
This female force has inched forward
When the faces of the Goddess
Take action together
The change will be immediate and complete
There will be no turning back
Each sister moved to the core
Those caught in pettiness
Left behind with no place to hide
Will sit in the darkness with unhealed men
Healed men will welcome the Goddess
And the circle will be healed and
The earth returned to balance.

Tatiacha ~ December 12, 2017

 

Greatest Gift

Curious questioning
Bumping the boundaries
Testing the waters
What reality is this
Who are these people
Where is the heart
Are they asleep
Why don’t they hug
Who are we as a unit
Why are they annoyed
Saying mean things
Shut up they say
Hog tied and gagged for speaking
Its all secret
Hidden
No one believes
I am in trouble
She blames me for everything
She gets away with everything
They leave me with shame
For what they have done
I should have acted differently
Then these things would not occur
I know now these lies
Their shortcomings
Transferred on to me
Due to their ignorance
Talking is not a crime
Joyous excitement not to be punished
Questioning a gift
No one wanted to know anything
Shut up shut up
Don’t ask
Be quiet
Don’t tell
Black….
No dad I will not say white
I am not being obtuse
I am seeking answers
Why do you not have any
When you say black
I know it means shut up
I may be a child but I am not stupid
No one stands up for me
When I speak truth
I am told I lie or make things up
When will I be heard
Valued
Trusted
By them the answer is never
By me the answer is today
I was a beautiful child
Curious and bright
Joyous and goofy
Playful and divine
Deserving of goodness and nurturing
I neglect myself
From a lifetime of being neglected
I will nurture myself now
Embrace myself
Love myself
Value myself and that beautiful child I was
As if she were my own precious baby
She makes me smile
I want to play with her
I want to take her swimming
And hear her precious laugh
I want to answer her questions
Find ways for her to follow her curiosity
I will read to her and sing her to sleep
Rubbing her back with gentle sweetness
She will feel safe in my arms
I will protect her with my life
And make sure she knows
She is my greatest gift

Tatiacha ~ October 14, 2017

Un-tethering

I am me and then am me again
Each new me ushering in a whirlwind of questions
How can I be me, when new levels of me keep emerging?
Is there a static me somewhere that I will one day grasp?
Or is this continuously changing me what being me is?
Can any of us know ourselves?
Are we just who we know today, but gone by tomorrow
Days come where I feel separated from any knowing of me
They are fleeting but move my emotions
They cause me to question momentarily why I do anything I do
If there is purpose to any of it
Then with a simple sleep the lack of me dissipates
I awaken feeling like…
Myself?

Is that simply the self of habit?
The self of comfort?
I have habit on the days of missing identity
I may have comfort as well as I am comfortable with questioning everything
It is more like drifting with no anchor
Then wakening the next day firmly in place
I expand and grow with intension
Perhaps I unconsciously release the anchor on purpose
Knowing I will drift to an appropriate new anchorage

There is emotional discomfort in these drifting days
No idea where I am going or why
There is no thread connecting to the past or future
Leaving me nothing to string together in my quest for knowledge
I sit with the emotion and the questions they inspire
Answers do not come
Only more questions
Who am I really?
Who do I want to be?
Who have I been?
And why?
A perceived
Existential crisis of identity
That is only a temporary un-tethering

I realign myself just as unconsciously as I un-tethered myself
Come back to me
In a new personal environment
It looks very much the same
I feel very much the same
But something is different
I am a new me
Again
Yet it does not really feel new
It is somehow known
And so quickly integrated that the day is forgotten by weeks end

 Tatiacha ~ May 7, 2017

 

Figment of my Imagination

Twenty eight years gone by
I hardly can fathom as I write
Since the conspiracy of you began
Whispers in my ear
Validating my dreaming
Telling me all I want to hear
The life and family
The harmony of souls
The now worn out cards of various variety
Torn and tattered are their books
Twenty eight years of questions answered
Yet you are nowhere in sight
I have felt your presence so close
You were almost physical
Then you are gone like a warm breeze
I am told soon, patience, plans, healing
Healing turned into a lifetime
My dreams of you stripped one by one
Are you a figment of my imagination?
A joint delusion of my path,
Simply a carrot held out as reward,
For being dutiful on my journey
You have turned me into an old cynic
I want to believe you still exist
Yet what excuse do we have for one another now
What have we been doing separate
Instead of supporting together
Could we both be that broken?
Did you lose your way?
Leave this planet?
Or did you exist at all?
Perhaps you gave up
Took another love
And gave her my children
Maybe you do not even notice my absence
You could be happy and oblivious
Why can’t my heart give up?
My mind has tried a million times
Why can’t I simply accept this solo journey?
Perhaps it was always meant to be such
But I grieve it all
As if it is real
Maybe you are but a vivid character
Of a book I am yet to write
A novel of unattainable love
That kind that can only survive fiction
I make plans for my life
With all the drawers filled
But when I visualize them into creation
There are always empty drawers for you
No moving forward
No letting go
Just agonizing truth of a ghostly figure
You have no form
Yet somehow I know your smile
You simply torture me
Heart weary I question
If you showed up now
Would I even care?
Would I even want you?
Could you even be half the man envisioned?
Could I be even half the woman you envisioned?
Or would we just be two disillusioned hearts
I process the anger
For the lifetime of support I did not have
Where were you?
My partner
My friend
My lover
Father of the children I do not have
Grandfather of the grandchildren that will never come
Why did I think you were worth waiting for?
What makes you so god damn special
Was there no plan B or C?
My imagination vivid
Visions so clear
Facts are fictions and maybe fictions facts
This day I sit alone and write
And you are not here
I may declare I am done with this
But I will awaken to a new day
And you will be there
Still invisible, untouchable
Mocking me
I will be a split personality
One part that never stops believing
And another that can’t sustain you
So much for 28 years of healing
There is no healing the figment of my imagination
Because he might be real.

Tatiacha ~ February 4, 2017

 

Cheeto in Chief

January 20th dawns
Comes in like a bang
My Way his song
He danced and he sang

Melania pulled away
And scowled a lot
To the tower to stay
In the White House she’s not

He had his tantrums
She rolled her eyes
Obama in the doldrums
Michelle she did sigh

Smile though they did
Fake it all was
One great big fib
For all the press buzz

The Clintons stood together,
Baby Bush there too
Carter did weather
The event of the fool

He took his oath
Pence he did too
There stood them both
All red white and blue

No unity in his speech
Without healing force
No one can bleach
Regurgitation of remorse

A world in disgust
At America’s belly
They rightfully distrust
A Cheeto so smelly

The racists do celebrate
The women haters too
The rest of us contemplate
Those who have no clue

In the women come
They march in the millions
They are far from done
We number in billions

Millions he counted
With press secretary lies
Spicer was mounted
On display til he dies

Waaa cried the Cheeto
They steal my thunder
My day was neato
They plowed it under

Pussies he grabs
Doing as he wishes
While illegals he hired
Have been doing his dishes

His misogynist ways
Enshrined for years
No matter what he says
He is at fault for the tears

A tyrant in wait
Frustrated he tweets
“You’ll remember this date”
Stomping his feet

“I’ll get them all back
I shall do it I swear
Executive order attack
I’ll grimace and stare”

“Immigrants and trade
I’ll smash them I will
It may be forbade
I will not wait for a bill”

“No DAPL I crush
With my hammer like pen
Throw in Keystone to hush
That aboriginal den”

“I’ll take their land
Give it to big oil
By my greedy tiny hand
Take that Indian soil”

“America must stand tall
Succumb you will
I wanna build a wall
You pay the bill”

No, Mexico will say
Pay it we will not
Not tomorrow or today
Not a little or a lot

Healthcare on the line
Planned Parenthood too
He says “all is fine”
To the Christians he woos

“I need validation as
Russia’s in the news
The media’s creation
Putin made Hills lose”

“Gag them all now
Kick them all out
Reporters must bow
Science has no clout”

“National parks shut up
State department must quit
Why bring this stuff up
When I hate every bit”

“There must be voter fraud
My ego is on the line
Popular vote to a broad
I’ll undo that in time”

“The Generals are wrong
Screw the Intelligence too
Then sing another song
Lie all the way through”

“I’ll torture at black sites
Its evil I know
The world I will fight
Cause this is my show”

“A reality star I am
Keep the cameras rolling
I slaughter the lamb
My methods controlling”

“Fascist ways I seek
Corporations do own me
Eventually it will leak
My patriotism phony”

“The globalist plans
You thought I would fight
You didn’t understand
I’m a billionaire and white”

“I’ve been one of them
All along do you see
Despite all the gems
You believed on TV”

Flip flop, flop flip
He turns on a dime
Yes he’s a dick
Known that for some time

Fighting with leaders
With tweets to and fro
Like all bottom feeders
To the bottom they go

Conflicts of interests
Refusing of blind trust
Is he on Pinterest
Cause twitter is a bust

Here goes week one
Of four long years
The damage a ton
Thus all the fears

He has a crazy toupee
As all buffoons do
It should warn us away
A great big orange BOO

Dear Cheeto in Chief
Fight you we will
We know you are a thief
And impeachable still.

Tatiacha ~ January 26, 2017

 I am not a liberal
Independent am I
Please take this literal
I am sick of this guy

As The River Flows

Upper Rogue RIver

The course is unknown but also predetermined
This flow can be dammed with delay, but not stopped
It will break through or overtop any obstacle in time
As we flow we gain energetic momentum
We are charged with a magnetic force of life
It grows with each passing bend
Propelling us to eventually meet the sea
Time tenuously flows atop the moving water
We cannot see around the next bend
As we serpentine our way through these unknown lands
We know not all that lie upon the banks
Or where we may need to portage to continue forward
We know only that our heart flows as the river flows

Tatiacha ~ 11-30-16

Absence of Silence

The Absence of silence permeates this abode
Leaving no room, no space, for the sacred
The drumbeat cannot be heard amidst the clamor of chatter
The bells do not sound, the bowls do not ring
The ocean drowned out in an outpouring of noise
The absence of music leaves the halls bare of holy vibration
The songs go unsung as the days turn to months
The absence of spirit goes unnoticed to the others
Spirit’s messages not spoken aloud
Prayers crowded out of this silent less space
No truths are sought outside this room
This room bombarded by routine and fear
Tearing at the fabric of its vibration
I shift myself and the noise rips at my flesh
It rips at my soul and my mind
Offering no solace to the seeker
The absence of knowing resonates out there
Bouncing around it makes noise of its own
It hits the walls of this small space with a thud
My knowing is silenced by that incoming fear
SHUT UP! I silently scream
But nothing in silence is heard above the din
The TV screams the dramas, she does not comprehend
While sports in headphones are cursed aloud by him
Alone I contemplate the reason for it all
Waiting for the golden hour of 10 for it to come to an end
Finally in silence but there is no room for sacred sounds
Now I must tip toe and silence myself
To give them space for restful sleep
The absence of balance strips me of energy
I do all in the stillness of night but rest not
Before I awaken tomorrow it will have begun again
No space for the meditative peace
No energetic space to rest and heal a weary body and mind
In the absence of silence I wait
I escape to the beach in stolen moments
To give the earth my heart
The noise of this house so loud
It pulls me back with guilt as if I am doing something wrong.
I am not wrong!
I will not abandon the divine to the noise
I will steal every moment of communion I can
My life has never belonged to your noise
There is a higher power that calls me
It has always called me
You cannot drown out that call
There is no absence of silence loud enough

Tatiacha ~ November 18, 2016

Fledgling

IMG_0642-signed

Fledgling sits
Breeze in his feathers
Sun shines down
His destiny at hand
He was born to fly
The sky his domain
The winds his companion
He watches all around
Surveying the atmosphere
His wings stretch out
Testing
Waiting for his moment
His feathers embrace the subtle shifts
As the winds move past him
Rocking him gently
It is like a conversation
There will be a moment
Those winds will whisper
Go
He reaches his wings out and
He launches off the nest
With full knowing
The winds will hold him
Turn him
Lift him
And allow him to soar
His first taste of freedom
It is exhilarating
He is alive
Flowing with his purpose
He has tasted his future
Retuning to his nest to rest
He will continue to taste the winds
Bit by bit
Until it is second nature
Like a child’s first step
His first flight
Is his rite of passage

Tatiacha Bhodsvatan ~ August 1, 2015

 

Reclamation of Love

Diving deep
Crisis of faith
I flounder
I weep
I wonder
I question and doubt
Fears come forth
They are recognized
Give in
Give over
They scream
I know they will not serve me
I don’t want to empower them
But I doubt the validity of my view
They throw me down to the ground
The pain is excruciating
I don’t even want to get up
They want me to stay down
For a moment we are in harmony
But then I feel a shift
I can’t do this anymore
Cannot just lay here
Bored
Stagnant
In pain
I have contemplated allowing death
But if death wanted me
It did not come quick enough
I will not just wait for death
The only option is healing
So I activate my dedication
I give myself permission to doubt
To let go
To be in the flux of chaos
Not knowing the outcome
Crisis of faith as a process
Becomes the stepping stones
My evolution continues to unfold before me
Rigidity cannot be sustained
It must be ok to be wrong
To reaffirm truth
Reject that which I cannot hold
Where does confidence become rigidity
Where does doubt become humility
I choose to reclaim love
In this reclamation of love
I let go of definition
I don’t know and it is ok
I leave the door open
Knowledge of the higher can arrive
Or I can remain unknowing in love
Free of rigidity
With loves reclamation
Faith in my purpose is refined
Focused
Gifted to my heart
Like a homecoming of the lost
It fills my heart
I have become the beacon
I no longer need any other to light my pathway
My own love lights the way

Tatiacha ~ January 17, 2014

 

Lies of Youth

You changed me
Laughter
Love
Pain
Disappointment
Distant
But always near
Kids bound
Freed by choice
The path forked
Unseen
Not understood
Right
Good
That which I am
Formed in moments
Remembered
And forgotten
Thank you
For your essence
Your ignorance
Your wisdom
Your pain
We touch
Cross points
Fade away
You’ll never know me
I was a ghost
An apparition of your desire
Absent from your senses
A thing
With no tangibility
Object of love
Discarded
As a truth
All just the lies of youth

Tatiacha ~ November 24, 2013

Touch the Heavens Above

IMG_0593-signed

Heart flow
To go out free
Release me
Wings unfold
Touch the breeze
Quivering
Vibrating
Excited to flight
Outstretched embrace
The skies are mine
I soar where the winds blow me
Circling up
Catching new drafts
Changing direction
New locations unfold below
Vision clear
I see beyond what I feel
I rise
Soar
And rise again
I move through the clouds
I touch the heavens above

Tatiacha ~ November 24, 2013

Moment of Initiation

Deliciously sweet
Sublimely flushed
Waves of heart aflutter
Beyond body
Beyond mind
Emotions attuned
Souls speak
Words unnecessary
Outside forces shut down
Two among many
Alone in a crowded room
Corded by choice
Plugged in
Pictures emerge of them
Smiling
Happy
Profound gentle mergence
Nothing pulled back
Moment of initiation
Prolonged
Savored
Enmeshed sweet intensity
Unashamed connection
Cannot be denied

Tatiacha  ~  11-12-13

 

Flow

Flow me
Stream of consciousness calls me
Taking over
Under
Into the all
I rise
I fall
Free of it all
Beleaguered body
Lets soul decide
Sets down its ego
Lets go if its pride
I will follow
As I AM leads
No longer suffer
With a heart that bleeds
Compassion is not
Weeping and pain
But loving the all
Detachment remains
I see it
I feel it
I hear it
I know
I send all my love
And continue to flow

Tatiacha ~ 11-12-13

Déjà vu of Planets

Tenuous waves
Of fragile outcomes
Lapse upon unknown shores
Broken is the chain
Like a widening sinkhole
Outcomes planned fall in
Never to be recovered
They shout outbursts of frustration
But get no relief
We do nothing now
But watch
As they collapse upon themselves
Fear porn surrounds us
It is the only weapon left
They gasp for breath
As they slowly inch toward the edge
They will be sucked down
Pulled into a black hole
They themselves created
It took on a life of its own
Its magnetic pull
Greater then their strength or power
They hold on
Attempting to stay on solid ground
One by one they succumb
Every detail was planned
The construction complete
They can get no occupancy permit
The mother says no
It is her body
Opportunists are not welcome
She will choose who she allows
On or within her
The heavens ablaze with comets
Speaking of times past
Déjà vu of planets
The repeat performance
Has been canceled

Tatiacha ~ 11-12-13

Immersing me

Glances touch
Subtle
Enchanting
Avoiding interjection
That causes resistance
Assistance
Connection
Hands brush together
They meld and travel
Immersing me
Blissful
I give in
All falls away
Soft waves of dark hair
I feel his heart
His eyes tuned to me
No longer caring
What anyone thinks
I remain
In this moment
Heart open
At peace

Tatiacha ~ 11-12-13

 

 

For Love To Begin

Stressed trying to remain in love not fear
Heart heavy mind numb
Why did she make this choice
This is not the way she would want to live
The way she would want to die
There must be purpose in this for her
For me
I am a servant of God
I release
Relinquish
Surrender
My attempts to control they have never worked
They have only brought pain
She showed me life unhappy
Isolated
Unwilling to receive love
Touch
Joy
It is not the life I want
It is not who I am
I choose LOVE
I hear her in others near me too
I see their pain
Their desperation
She kept hers hidden
Deep dark
Allow no one
Admit nothing
I admit freely
The loneliness of this life
The longing for intimacy
The desire for a lover
A friend
A companion
Life is not about fear
Or overcoming fear
This is not what was created
We created this world for beauty
Color
Sound
Scent
Movement
Touch
Open hearted embrace
The world blocks these things out
Those who see this
Confront this
Are denied
Ridiculed
Looked down on
And oppressed
She an oppressor from being oppressed
She knew nothing other
Forced her way through life
Refusing to feel
Emotions snuck up on her
She masterfully pushed them away
Pushed me away
Right under her thumb
I allowed this somehow
Not knowing I was more
Could have more
Deserved more
She taught me I was less then
And I agreed
We danced a sick dance
Lasting too long
Filled with misery
We survived
No one thrived
No one lived
This shamanic death is painful
But necessary
Heart’s torment must end
For love to begin

Tatiacha ~ November 19, 2012

Sandpaper

Sandpaper
Roughing the surface of my soul
Scratching
Abrading
Annoying me
Density
Confines me
Holds me
Turns me into someone I am not
Twists and distorts my love
My power
My truth
The irritant that creates the pearl
Wishful thinking
It pains simply to pain
To inflict and incur my wrath
Then throw it back at me
Who needs an enemy
The best enemy
Is always available
Right in the mirror
No one can hurt me as much as me
No one knows my weaknesses better
No one is better at dismissing
My gifts
My strengths
My beauty
No one can loath me
Better than me

Sandpaper
Others will offer it to you
Knowing you will use it
To destroy yourself
All they need do is watch
They offer the culture
In which to grow your own pain
Toxic
You rip open your own skin
And allow the infections
To grow
To mutate
To take over
Then ask why
Seeking the healing
The solution
Confused you sand more
Thinking you can sand away the poison
Smooth out the edges
Remove the impurities
Create a more beautiful self
While you shred yourself
Until you have no skin
No protection
Now the pain is deeper
The wounds almost insurmountable
The world hands you the salt
You rub it in

Tatiacha ~ October 27, 2012

 

Oblivious

Eating me alive
Past
Present
Future
They are entangled and unclear
There is no delineation
The pain it comes from all directions
Resolution can not be found
As the layers that held things in place are gone
Everything swirls around
It has no structure
The dots cannot be connected
Leaving me grasping at random moving targets
No answers
No ideas
Just this momentum
Pushing me to nowhere
Or somewhere untouchable
So foreign
I feel it not
See it not
Care not
Apathy sets in
Frustration guides the thoughts
But the feelings move independent
What is this path
Why did I take it
Why did it mater
What does it really offer
What is this place
This time
Space
Feeling
In which I linger
I can pin down nothing in thought
Nothing in emotion
The soul in some kind of purgatory
Stasis
Waiting
What does it wait for
And is it worth waiting for
Wasting away
My body dies
Without permission
Decays from abandonment
I would force myself to take a step forward
But there is no forward
No back
No sidestep
No path trail or road
Just this moment
In which there is nowhere to go
If only it felt good
With no desire to move
Surrender
Is that death
Or new life
Or both
I have no fight
And no surrender
I just rot in place
Feeling as if I will simply implode
And cease to exist
Or remain in the same exact state of rot
Forever
Self love and self hate battling alone
With no participation
No guidance
No support
For either side
People loving or hating me
Not caring if I love or hate myself
They don’t see
Or care if I move
Or rot in stagnation
Oblivious
Each holds their own truth

Tatiacha ~ October 27, 2012

The Pressure Distorts Me

Listening
Distant they seek me
Echoes travel spiraling just out of reach
I wait in agony
Tears well up then pass
Only to return again
Visions impact facts
But do they resolve
Or simply offer context
I hear myself say …
Breathe …
Altered time implodes
Sucked into a black hole
It leaves a vacuum
The pressure distorts me
Who am I
Where am I
Where am I going
Confined by a great force
The directions are curved
Waved
Crossing in twisted ways
Paths intersect unexpectedly
All ways are the long way
Unless you accidentally take a short cut
You cannot see them
Know not where they lead
The intuition is confounded
Has no reference to work from
Wandering aimlessly in a maze
Meant to be a labyrinth
Faith meanders
As questions come if any power
Knows the direction
Or why that way
Hang on tight
Let go completely
At the same time
Focus and surrender
Seems impossible
Left standing
Watching
Willing
Destitute
All illusion

Tatiacha ~ October 27, 2012

 

 

We Are All Touched

News swirling around the absence
Athens burns
Something is obscure
But coming
I feel it in my bones
There is resignation and foreboding
Not in fearful way
It is the touching of the invisible thread
The point of now and the point that comes
Most are blissfully unaware
At times I envy them
When the shock hits though
They will envy those not shocked
The drum beats for the march to more war
It cannot be ignored
Can it be stopped
It is not we who play that drum
Yet the beat grows louder
The path will be different than the drummers envision
Things will backfire
Like Athens afire
There will be transformation
Truths will be illuminated
While lies burn to the ground
There is no place left to hide
We are all touched
The most oblivious
Will feel the touch
Both last and hardest
Knowing we must watch this pain
Tears at the hearts of those who see
We dig emotional graves
Placing any fear therein
Fear is luxury we cannot afford
We move though what comes as if shielded
Invisible
Doing only what we are tasked to do
We may appear as if we do not care
We do
We have yelled the message
Loud in all mediums
To mostly deaf ears
We cared
We sacrificed
We gave all
Now we let go
Let god
Know this
We are all touched
We who saw in advance
Then saw with our eyes
We will carry those visions for all time
For your suffering we emote
For your ignorance we forgive
Forever we question
Did we do enough
Try hard enough
The universe responds
We did all we could
Carried as personal burden
That which belonged to all
Simply through knowing
Feeling and processing that knowing
The pain is deep and enduring
We all suffer together
Even though our individual suffering is unique
We are all touched

Tatiacha Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ February 12, 2012

 

Time Wave Distortion

From behind and the sides
Time is slipping and distorting
What will be left when woven
Travelers manipulate realities
They have agendas good and bad
They work for or against the divine
The wave form stretches
The results are not as expected
We are at end game no matter
There is no way to change ultimate outcome
It was known millenniums past
Yet still we play in the sand box
It is a war with no purpose
No objective is obtainable
Yet we must each move our pieces
On the chessboard of time and space
Tit for tat we wither away the moments
Almost as if a hobby to pass the time
There is eerie calm
While the time stream flattens
When distortion corrects
Wave form comes into harmony
Appearing like an acceleration en mass
Boom boom boom
One event after another
Belying the steps that were stretched
Shock will bemoan the masses
Ignorant of the distortion
Ignorant of those who play the game
Blending and bleeding
Anomalies go unnoticed
Hearts hear no whispers
Aghast when they become screams
Single pathway before us
Infinite pathways behind
We move to an expansion
No distortion can change
Pulled within the stream
We are all taken
Some flow
Some drown within their own webs
I stand in the middle and speak
I know I have not control
Yet I see there are no obstacles for me
The time wave distortion
Sits upon the surface
The flow still accelerated
I am in harmony
Knowing when distortion corrects
I will be in the correct time space
Travelers with wrong intention
Will be swept away
Divine is not bound by time space
Time space is bound by the divine

Tatiacha ~ September 30, 2011

Across the Great Divide

Hearts speak in time merged
There are many who are one
My past becomes me in a cascade of possibilities
Paths taken from other forks
They all belong to me
I took them all
And the outcomes
Still led me here
Divine chose this place for me
And gives me all that I am
The lessons
The gifts
The truths
This love survives every challenge
Yet it has no life here
How can this be
It has me
But I have it not
There is no apparent bridge
For a gap too big
One cannot bridge it alone
I am here
Why would divine want him there
Across the great divide
In sorrow
In misery and pain
When will my heart free
Feel the acceptance
See no vision for us
The knowledge that is me sees it
Understands it
Knows it is the way it must be
Yet it is tortured
With dreams unattainable
He cannot be that highest self
He doesn’t even want to
Not for me
Not for himself
The tears flow for that
But do not drown the flame

Tatiacha ~ September 30, 2011