Always Alone

I feel small
Insignificant
Lost in a abyss of billions
Does anybody really live their life
Most are lost in drugs and alcohol
Economic slavery
What is it to live
Truly live
I feel stuck
Like a wheel that is not turning
I should be
It exerts effort to turn
But the wheel remains
When it should be effortless
Automatic
I feel a shift
Then it fades
Another comes
And it fades
But everything remains the same
Making all the shifts
Appear to not matter
Even though I know
I am not the same
Does it matter
That I am not the same
If my life is the same
Moods fade in and out
Hope and hopelessness
Are all that turns here
Things I long wanted to let go of
Cycle of victimization
I step up and take my power
Over and over
But it is never quite enough
How much power is required
What stops me from wielding it
I ‘m so tired
Sleep my only refuge
Sometimes sweet
Sometimes fitful
Not refuge at all
I acquiesce it does nothing
I fight it does nothing
I accept acknowledge allow
It does nothing
Action must be required
But no action speaks to me
No doors open
It is purgatory
Waiting watching hoping
Life passes hope fades
As it must be for any victim
I want to scream
“I give up”
But was I ever here
What am I giving up
Please take me into your arms God
Everything else is a lie
My heart can’t withstand the lies
They are heavy
Sad
Pathetic
I can’t hide from them
With drugs and alcohol like the rest do
I am floundering
Drowning
What is here for me
Please show me
Because all I can see is unreachable
Never comes
Just a dream
A hope to be dashed
By the cruelty of time
And my heart aches
Alone
Always alone

Engtovo ~ November 19, 2005

New Home

Moving
Scrambling
Excitement
A little apprehension
Freedom
Home
Expression of self in space
In time
Peaceful sacred space
Everything in order
In its place
Arranged to my liking
Good habits form here
For body
For mind
For spirit
There is creativity flowing
The canvas was blank
Now it takes form with beauty
To me
For me
I bloom planted here
Environment rich with love
Vibration is high
View is inspiring
Heart is expanding
Breathing
I embrace it all
My creation
Outward expression of my faith
My truth
God’s law

Engtovo ~ October 28, 2005

Liberal Bias in the Media?

There is liberal bias in the media.  I am so tired of hearing this!  If the media is liberal then I can’t even imagine how liberal I must be!  The truth of the matter is I am personally quite conservative, although I am sure most would consider my political perspective liberal.  The powers that be like us to think we must chose sides and agree with a platform on one side or the other, but as a thinking self empowered human being, I cannot in good conscience agree with either.  I come from a perspective of freedom, which means that my choice to be quite conservative in ways, such as not drinking for example, does not give me the right to expect others to make the same choice.  Obviously we need boundaries that protect us all from real harm, and that was the original intent of laws, and the legal system of justice.  But we as a country have strayed far from protection, into the realm of total control of the masses.  That total control is now our greatest threat of real harm, and it comes from those claiming to be our protectors.

The tool of this control is the media and it is used by both primary political parties. The media is a puppet, nothing more, nothing less.  They report whatever the brainwashing machine of our society wants them to report, whether it is perceived as liberal or conservative.  If the subject is personal freedom, they will always take a position opposite of freedom. If the person or group bringing the issue to the table is a liberal group they will bring on conservatives to attack them.  If the person or group bringing the issue to the table is conservative they will bring on liberals to attack them.  

The key in discerning what is happening with the media is not looking at liberals or conservatives.  They are just pawns in the bigger game.  Look at the overall issues that they want to shift our opinions of by polarizing us.  Freedom for example is an issue that strikes deep with both liberals and conservatives if they are awake.  Both, when awakened, see things like the Patriot Act for what is it, police state legislation.  But if the population of conservatives can be convinced that position is a liberal one, then they can manipulate them into supporting the police state legislation and vice versa.  It is a sick game, and easy to get pulled into, as they bring the most outrageous people out for the sole purpose of polarizing people that have more in common than they would like to admit.

While Fox news is the most obvious in their support of anything that serves the puppet masters, there is a reason why I consider CNN to be the illuminati channel.  CNN has built a reputation for being middle of road, as absurd as that is.  They are simply more masterful at presenting the information in a way that a greater number of people are comfortable with.  What I love best about CNN is when you happen to be watching something big unfold live, like 9-11 or Waco.  If you are paying attention they will play a story or show some aspect or video clip once and then it will disappear, it will never be shown again, and will not show up on their website.  The powers that be let them know that piece is history, and it will appear as if it was unsubstantiated information that was never confirmed.  It happens with them over and over.  So if you watch carefully during breaking news you will get information that is significant once, and you better pay attention, because then they will drum it out of your mind be repeating over and over what they want you to believe.

I remember watching Waco live.  At the time we had one of the old big satellite dishes, where you had to tune to different satellites and the dish moved.  At the time there were satellites you could tune in that had the live feeds of news stations, unedited, as they came in.  My ex-husband, my brother and I were watching one of these feeds that day.  We saw the tanks approach the building, break a hole into it, and saw flames streaming out of the tanks to the building.  We sat in shock and horror; I was in tears that day as I watched live, my government, kill innocent women and children.  Some others were privy to this one time feed and one or two even managed to record it.  It was immediately cut out by CNN and never shown again as if it never existed, but we saw it happen, we know what our government did that day.  No amount of attempted brainwashing with another version can change what we saw happen that day, any more than the fairy tale that two small planes (in relation to the towers) caused the obvious controlled demolition of the Twin Towers I saw live on 9-11.

I’m not a physicist, not a scientist of any type, not an expert in demolition, not a brain surgeon, but a teenager could understand that those towers coming down from the hit of those planes is absurd!  It just wasn’t a physical possibility and I didn’t need all the information that is currently available, like the heat caused by the fire and the melting point of the steel, to know it was a controlled demolition.  It was obvious to me as I watched, even as Aaron Brown sat in utter disbelief.  Not only was it a controlled demolition, but it was a damn good one!

I am a firm believer that for some odd reason people who go into journalism are idealists.  They believe we are the great nation of the hype, instead of a flawed nation of good people.  They believe that our government has good intentions when they refuse disclosure on any number of thousands of subjects.  They believe that keeping things from us really is best for us.  They are like young children who can’t believe their parent could ever do something wrong.  I cannot figure out what it is that draws people with this propensity to journalism, but clearly they are willing to believe the best of even the most heinous of situations.  What happened to the 5 W’s and the H?  That would be who, what, why, where, when and how, for those of you who may have never been exposed to that in high school.  

Would knowing the full truth of what our government has, and is doing, shock people?  Yes.  Would they be able to handle it?  That’s a good question. Certainly some would be challenged in ways they can’t imagine.  I believe in truth and I believe that maybe it’s time for the American people to be shocked out of the coma they are living in.  As Dr. Phil likes to say, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge”.  We have been supporting a collective lie that is perpetuated by the media.  

From the earliest days of this nation we have allowed a lack of integrity in the presentation of information to guide our destiny. This lack of integrity led us into genocide with the native nations of the continent & the support of slavery in our inception.  From that time it has led us through cycles of oppression of people in race, gender and religion and has been used to justify endless wars.  The only way to stop this cycle is full disclosure, but don’t expect to see it from the media idealists, the media power brokers, who know full well what they are doing, or the government.  They are fully committed to keeping us in disinformation, for our own good, no matter how many people may suffer or die a horrific death from this.

Yes we must be wary of the media but not because they are liberal or conservative, but because they report anything that is given them to report, how they are told to report it, with no regard for truth or integrity.

The latest barrage from out local Denver channels (local being relative over direct TV) is an endless list of for your health stories.  From one day to the next they contradict each other but are reported as absolute scientific fact.  It is disgusting fear mongering, meant to keep you and I in an endless state of stress.  Stressed out people are easy to control, they are overwhelmed with their lives and have no fight, no resistance.  Don’t believe any of it; take responsibility for your own health and life.  

Read between the lines when watching the news and when you hear things you know to be lies, be sure to confirm to yourself consciously that it is a lie and you are not accepting it into your consciousness.  It seems simplistic to many, but it has worked well for me to use the words, Cancel, Cancel, Cancel, when I hear something on TV that I know is just pure crap.  Let go of the attempted polarization and discern what you hear from your heart, not from a liberal or conservative point of view.  You will see the real issue is not political, but an issue of big power that runs both sides, controlling what we think and how we will act out on those thoughts.  Always ask yourself who profits from this perspective.  When you dig deep you will see that those profiting support both political parties, even when particular individuals appear to be from one or the other.  Nothing is ever as it’s presented to us to by media or government in these times.  

The point?  Think for yourself, question everything, and accept nothing at face value.  Healthy skepticism is not being negative, it is being empowered.  Your other choice is to be one of the sheeple, and no self respecting human would consciously choose that… would they?

Engtovo Bhodsvatan
August 17, 2005

Useable Energy

Useable energy is here for me today
As the grid of me is aligned with divine blueprint
The thunder crashes around me
The breath of the air is revived
Droplets reach the earth
The plants receive
I receive
Manuel the bear receives
The drops quicken
Forming puddles and streams
To move the emotional force of water where it is needed
The emotions move inside of me
My quickening mirrors the storm
The sun touches through
Its rays of light glistening on the falling droplets
Just as the rays of light inside me glisten upon the moving emotions in my heart
Loud crashes of thunder removing blockages
And old ways long stuck
The downpour increases
Washing away that which is no longer appropriate
Nurturing that which is good and right
Somewhere about me I sense a rainbow
It is out of my line of view
But I feel it there none the less
The droplets dwindle and blue sky is in view
Even as the crashing thunder rumbles across this mountain top
The space has become overwhelmed with a peaceful silence
A completion
The useable energy remains
Awareness is heightened
As each lingering drop from the roof echoes through my space
I breathe in this useable energy and make it my own
As do each plant and animal nearby
It is a gift from the nature spirits to us all
A short but sweet shaman’s death
Born anew in each moment we carry on
Taking this energy out into everything we experience

Engtovo ~ August 10, 2005

Snows

The snows fall

My fingers chill

I have no interest in this season

Another winter comes upon me

I question why I remain in this place

It is not in harmony with me

Or I am not in harmony with it

The snow falling can be beautiful

I see this

Recognize it

And yet wish to remain apart from it

I wish to live where the snows never come

Where my fingers never chill

How did I come to these places

Where the snows fall

And fall

And fall

They gather together

They feel like prison walls to me

I do not wish to go out in their coldness

I seek moderation

I do not want the searing heat of the desert

The dry parched air that steals my life force

There is a place that has moist air and moderate temperature

Why am I not there yet

My green hillsides call out to me

The raindrops dewy on the grass

I no longer wish to adapt and resist

I want only to be where it is right for me

Let those who love this cold and white live here in joy

Heart take me home now

Engtovo ~ November 20, 2004

Toxic Food Addiction

Toxic holiday food

How can it be a celebration

Giving thanks

By poisoning my body

Keeping myself sick after nearly 20 years of suffering

Is that what I am to be thankful for

Is that the legacy of this family

It is just sickness of the spirit

Sickness of the emotions

There is no prayer at these gatherings

No true gratefulness

No actual celebration

Just gluttony of poison foods

And it then flows right into the supposed celebration of the Christ

Again with the same poison meal

Destroying my Christ temple

This will be the last

Never again will I participate

Celebrations must be that, a celebration

Not a food fest

There should be prayer

Song

Joy and laughter

None of those exist in this ritual

If it means I never spend another holiday with this family of birth

So be it

I must be true to myself

Take care of myself

My body temple

I know what my body needs

And what It does not want

This holiday toxic meal is only a symptom

Of a larger daily ritual

I have no support here for my wellbeing

I choose to support myself

Even if that means cutting out of my life

People who will not support my wholeness

Almost 20 years is almost 20 years too long

For what

For a sick ritual

That somehow is the tie that binds this family

An addiction that will not be addressed by any other than me

They support only my weakness in this addiction

So that in my weakness I do not ask them to look at their own

It is the worst kind of co-dependence

I take myself out of the mix

And call to my life people who can support me making healthy choices for me

There will be no more toxic holiday food

There will be no more toxic daily food

I will not eat out of addiction at all

But only to support my precious life

With love taking in

Only that which does not poison me

They will do what they will in their own space

I am far away now

If they come to visit me

They will eat healthy while they are in my home

Or they will stay in their own

They will not be allowed to attempt to come to me and drag me back into that gutter

That is my chosen boundary

Any who attempt such will not be welcome in my sacred space

Period

This is done now Creator

I know you support me in this

Engtovo ~ November 10, 2004

I Am Not You

Fear fear fear fear

What do I have to do to get rid of you

I am tired

I don’t want you in my body

I hate this feeling

You hijack my body and mind

How dare you

Get out

You are not welcome to hold my power

You are nothing but lies about me

About my past

My present

My future

I am not you

You do not even resemble me

You are pathetic

And small

That is not me

Engtovo ~ October 22, 2004

Details

Details

Picky little details

They can take over your mind

Your energy

Even if they are not in your control

Thought will not leave them alone

It will release stress hormones into your body

Create illness in your body

All over things that do not matter

Are insignificant

Mind does this to distract us from things that matter

That it fears

Steals our focus away from love and compassion

Peace and unity

Teaches us to pick apart the details of others

Tear them into little pieces that we can condemn

And discard

There is no detail too insignificant

For us to obsess on

In ourselves

And in others

In the location

The décor

It is a sad state of affairs

What would the world be like if it were the opposite I wonder

If it was the big picture

That took over our minds

Alas we would still be out of balance

But how would it differ

From the lack of balance we have now

In curiosity I ponder

But truly it matters not

It is balance I seek

I wish to let go of the details that matter not

Let go of the aspects of the big picture that matter not

And be in a state of balance inside myself

The world will still be out of balance

I can only balance myself

Perhaps others will attempt to pick that apart in me

To discover what it is that makes me different than themselves

In their quest for details

But if they do most will condemn and discard

In lack of understanding

And the world will obsess on details

Until the day the universe takes most of the details away

Engtovo ~ August 12, 2004

Storm Brewing

Far and away

There is a storm brewing

It gathers strength and intensity

To fulfill its purpose

It is seen as a tragedy

Something to fear

It is neither of these things

It is a bringer of life force

An act of balance

The seas and the lands converge

In the aftermath

Birth is everywhere

Ignorant people

See only destruction

They live out of harmony

With the ways of nature

This leaves them blind

Another storm will brew

It is the way of things

And it is good


Engtovo ~ August 12, 2004

My Celebration

I have known a long time it would be this way

Why have I had such a hard time letting it sink in

Perhaps it is denial that the time is truly here

A last ditch effort to remain

I cannot remain

I most ways I am already gone

Only my body resides here

I know this should be celebrated

But it is only I here who can see that

I celebrate alone

But only from the perspective of those who know not

In truth I celebrate with many

These ones revel in my success

Free from fear or envy

I long for the day that my heart no longer wishes to carry them

Where my true wisdom has replaced those childish notions

It has been one way that I in fact imprison myself

Wanting to do for them

Feeling always tied

My expression never fulfilled because of a wish to make things ok for them

Now I look only forward

The many who celebrate assist me in this focus

I will revel in my freedom

Without guilt

Knowing I have no obligation

And if I did it would be futile

It is the proverbial cliché

You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink

I have long since led them to spirit

To knowledge of God

I cannot make them believe

I cannot make them go within

They are blind and I cannot make them see

It cannot be served up on a silver platter

So I let it all go

I take the hand of those who know

And choose joy in expressing with them

I will not look back with regret

I gave them more than they in fact asked for

That was my weakness

When I thought it was my strength

And what I thought was weakness

Leaving it behind

Walking away

Taking care only of me

Is in fact the strength that I have just found true understanding of

I will not take their reactions personally

But simply offer prayers of love and understanding

While I continue in my celebration of life

Engtovo ~ July 21, 2004

Notes

Notes jingle in my brain

They have not come together

To make song

But they want to

Come forth notes

Makes yourself into the perfect expression

Of mathematics

Sacred geometry

Music that heals

Sooths the soul

Take rhythm

Take form

Let words join with you

Let emotions be expressed with you

Allow the synergy of life to be

Blended into your pattern

Stop jingling in my mind

Put yourself to instruments

Place your pattern on tongue

See the beauty

The pain

The ordinary

The extraordinary

Move from my core

Touch the core of others

That is your purpose

To touch

To express

You are movement

Move out of my brain notes

Move into the physical world

To be the bridge between physical

And non physical

That is who you are

Engtovo ~ January 24, 2004

Dominoes

Timing is intricately laced into a web of perfection

Rarely do we get to see a sequence unfold in a conscious way

Obvious in its perfection

But now it begins

Upon my awakening this 19th of January

Unfoldment commences

I shall watch with joy

The dominoes

Click click click

They will affect me directly and indirectly

As well as people I know and thousands I do not

Click click click

It glitters and shines

From the divine love of its weaving

No mistakes

No delays

No misunderstanding

Perfect order observed and experienced with gratitude

Click click click

Engtovo ~ January 18, 2004

Death Of Victimization

Confusion attempted to take over my consciousness

It was successful for a day

One measly day is all it can now manage

It did it well for a day

It used full drama

Hopelessness

Loneliness

And fear

It did not miss an opportunity for negative thought this day

Many tears came

Heart weeping in heavy sighs

Exhausted

Heavy

Weary

Fearful

Hopeless

The clearing profound despite its unpleasantness

But after this dismal day

The sun has broken out and new clarity takes over

And confusion was unsuccessful in taking me off my path

Back into victimization

It was used to serve my healing

Surface those things not yet fully acknowledged

I remember when my mind could sustain that confusion fear and doubt

For weeks at a time

How did I live through such a thing

When now a single day had me ready to meet my maker

So humorous it is now

A few days later

I almost believed my whining and whimpering self pity

Unfortunately for the internal saboteur

I know better

It all came from that place that does not wish to give up victimization

But it’s too late

I have claimed my power

Victimization is dying

And on that dismal day

It was grasping for breath

Desperately trying to stay alive

But all it was given

Was a chance to say fair thee well


Engtovo ~ January 18, 2004

Ocean Spirit

Waves rolling in

Tide gently rising

This is my natural environment

I am water

I am flowing

Ebbing

Each movement of the water speaks to my heart

Offers me a connection to all that is

It is a rhythm

A timing that is akin to me

When I am away too long

I feel out of rhythm

I lose track of my emotion

In time loose the emotional nature of my being

Taking me out of harmony

I must return

I must feel each wave reach up and caress my toes

Take me into the love and rhythm of life

Allow me to move through the days of gentle washing

To the days of intensity and crashing power upon the shore

They both are given equal importance here

Both respected and valued

Take me to the sands Great Spirit

Give my soul rest in my true environment

Allow the water to recharge me

Refresh me

Heal me

Remember how the drop of water that is me is part of the great whole

Let me ride the crest of the wave as it comes home

Let me sit beside my turtle relatives

And speak to the dolphins and whales

You know me Great Spirit

I am a creature of the mighty water

Left away too long I will wither and die

Take me home to the ocean

I am parched

It has been a long time

The mountains of this magnificent place have inspired me

They have helped me reach for the sky

Now return me to the depth of my heart

To the blood of the earth

To the power of my true nature

Engtovo ~ October 16, 2003

Acclimate

Acclimate

Adjust

I have but will no longer

This place is toxic

Why would I choose to acclimate to this

I know another way

That is what the rest of the world should acclimate to

God’s way

Let them adjust

Let them change the world we live in

Make this world God’s world in truth

I am disgusted

Tired

I want the real life back

The one I left to understand this one

To be of service

I do not understand this one

I never will

I have experienced it only

The more time I spend here

The less I understand

To experience the other way

Would it change them

How long would be enough

For change to occur

For the desire to become an inner fire

Unstoppable

Would they return and forget

Acclimate back into the toxic life

What will it take

I have no answers

I have only prayers

My desire is to return home

My prayer is to return home

My heart is too close to home

To acclimate here ever again

Engtovo ~ September 21, 2003

Boundaries

Anger entwined with sadness

Betrayal of the intention of the divine

Those who come to offer themselves but will not stand up for themselves

Make the offering void

There is difference between boundary and limitation

Boundaries we set allow us to live free

Allow us to respect ourselves

Limitations are those that are set to control others

Boundaries are born in right action right thought

What is in the best and highest good of all

We cannot grow as humans without boundaries

No more than a child can become an adult alone

Without boundaries we can be only victims

And or victimizers

Things such as murder and rape become ok

In the world without boundaries

Respect comes from acknowledging your own boundaries

And the boundaries of others

A world without respect

Is a world filled with pain

It is the world which we have created here

A world where people take what belongs to another

Covet their connection to the divine

Kill all the inhabitants of an area to steal the land and resources

Enslave people and con them into thinking they are free

I will stand in my boundaries

I will stand thus in my freedom

I will not cower before the ignorance of others

They speak of respect but it is only words

They live the truth of

See no evil

Hear no evil

Speak no evil

They do not accept their responsibility in creating evil

By refusing to set or acknowledge boundaries

There is only a moment that is this life

I will not waste its precious energies

I allow into my space only those who know boundaries

Those who can acknowledge and honor my boundaries

Those who are clear on their own boundaries

So that I can honor theirs

In this mutual respect and honoring of basics truths

Of right and wrong

Harmony can be found

Engtovo ~ September 21, 2003

Law of Integrity

Prompt me god to continue

I question how much more my heart can take

Why is this world so difficult to stand in

Things so simple

So true to all religious or spiritual beliefs

Seem to be constant struggles for those people who I meet

What part of “stealing is wrong”

Is so hard to understand

I can understand the concept of people questioning what is stealing

When the line is grey

When the ownership is uncertain

But that is not at issue here father

The line is clearly defined

Something taken without regard

Without regret

No remorse

No understanding at all that something was done that is wrong

Not just by the doer of the deed

But also by the maker of ceremonies

The spiritual leader of many

I cannot understand this

Where is the confusion with these three people

How and when will they learn this most basic law

Law of the universe

Law of humanity

Law of integrity

How many other laws of yours that are simple enough for the youngest of child

Do they not understand or consciously break

My heart grieves

I cannot make ceremony with someone who steals from me

Or makes stealing from me ok for another

The fact that what was stolen was sacred

A gift from you to me

That I wanted to share with my son

Adds insult to injury

The theft happened in the midst of sacred ceremony

And the sacred item taken into the ceremony as an adornment

A marriage ceremony something I also hold most sacred

Based in your teachings to me

Made dirty with the theft of the wife & her teacher

And the ignorance of the husband

What will become of such a marriage father

I gifted this marriage my sacred marriage cloth as well

Will I watch as a commitment made in lies

Crumbles in its own creation

How many people will be hurt by this breaking of basic laws

How long will we continue forth in a world where this is seen as so small a transgression

That it is not to be noticed

Seen as insignificant

I know that we are all not perfect

That we all have faltered in the law of integrity

But these three don’t seem to care

They cannot even acknowledge that something wrong has taken place

How deeply is the corruption ingrained in the consciousness of humans

Where are there hearts that I can connect with my own

Ones who can say simply I faltered I’m sorry

To wake up the next day conscious of this faltering

And striving to do better

This is honesty

Living in truth

Does it exist here

I turn to you God

I ask you to make your laws alive in me

In spirit

In thought

In deed

These three people show me what I do not want to be

Take me down your road God

Teach me what I do not yet know of your laws

Lift my heavy heart

Fill every place within me that is unfulfilled

So that I may walk your laws on this earth

And become the law of integrity

Engtovo ~ September 21, 2003

Simplify

Simplify

Somehow what mind wants to see as complications for my life

My spirit knows is simplifying my life

This seems so incongruous

Houses, properties, accounts

More things to care take

Will serve as tools of simplification

And yet the peaceful sensation of this life I manifest

Does indeed feel simple

Perhaps the simplicity comes from putting this life into a form

that allows me to be free within it

Creating a pure structure that I can move within

That no longer requires me to create continuously new structures

I am anxious to experiment with this new structure of simplicity

to feel each softly contoured edge

Time no longer spent on thought of organization

Frees my mind and expression to be in the joy of simply pleasures

A moment with another being

An outpouring of creativity

Raising my voice in song

Putting my pencil to paper

Life in the moment with no need to serve the future with thoughts and knowing

My structure is beyond time and space

Ah simplicity

I am simplifying

Through adding instead of subtracting

Even with understanding the concept feels odd

And yet clear and defined

Another shadow turned to serve the light

Glorious it is

I allow it to be so

Engtovo ~ August 16, 1003

Do For

Sponges take up the spills of what is undesired

What causes some humans to take this energy upon them

Taking the cause of another

Seeking to offer solution

In return for acceptance perhaps

Looking for a way to be perceived as useful or in fact indispensable

Such a waste of precious life force it is

There is no more time to spend looking for ways to provide for

Instead of showing how to manifest from within self

Thoughts moved through over the years always desiring to care take others

While my own health failed

I did not care for myself

Others willingly participated in this endeavor

To attempt to “do for” everyone else

Not loving myself

Now I will care for myself with absolute selfishness

Knowing it will ultimately result in my most selfless expression

Coming to the surface to serve the whole for God

Instead of caretaking a few for self

That has been an act of selfish control

That harms all parties

I shall find a place for

My work

My love

My creative force

My regeneration on every level

I will enter this space alone

And invite others in only as I feel the energy is right

To continue the positive force I create

Thank you father

For this wisdom and understanding

Thank you for creating with me this space

Within and without

For the next step of my journey with you

Engtovo ~ November 17, 2002

This & That

Justify this

Sanctify that

Please those who would do nothing

those who know nothing

Never question this

Never ask that

Too fearful of the answers that may come

Who will hold your hand through that which you choose to be oblivious of

head in the sand

Demand this

Refuse that

Can you allow yourself to receive wisdom on what choice you are making

Will not knowing change the outcome of that choice

You refuse exactly what you demand

and that would be humorous if it were not so damn sad

If I ask you what you have been doing for God

You will answer righteously “This & That”

Engtovo ~ August 30, 2001

Puppy Dog

my-dog.jpg

Ashantia (now passed on, in February of 2006 one month before her 14th birthday)

Puppy Dog Puppy Dog

So sweet as you lay

You are my companion

At sleep and at play

Once there were two

Now one has passed on

I miss him greatly

Since he has gone

But still you and I

Are here together today

I’m grateful for you

And I just had to say

Puppy Dog Puppy Dog

How I love you so

I know it’s not rational

But I hope you’ll never go

Engtovo ~ August 30, 2001

Presenter of Grace

words expressed

deeds

perceived in energy

leaving tangible actions to those who cling to tangible worlds

thoughts searing through the energetic worlds

and touching universal symbols

evoking feelings deep within each atom of the God force

entwining thought and feeling

into an energy life form

alive with intent

and gracefulness of swans dancing upon the sacred waters of life

Engtovo ~ January 23 1998

Peace Now I Am

all my illusions & doubts

Is there no way out?

peace, freedom & love

is what I dream of.

transitioning right now

I’m always asking how

when will I wake

by a shimmering lake

where thoughts are so clear

and intention is pure

no confusion to be found

not going round and round

step right out of those fears

look into a new mirror

where doubt is no more

and love an open door

all illusion is gone

I’m left with joyous song

my freedom found within

balanced yang with my yin

Sacrificed the old like a lamb

peace now I AM

Engtovo ~ November 30, 1997

Leaves

Crisp autumn air

leaves falling

floating gently down

to touch the skin of the earth

The trees centering the essence

of their vital force

deep within the heart of their being

The leaves have since left behind

the subtle shades of green

transforming to yellow… orange and red

connection… creation and grounding

They move on to brown

as they come to bed themselves in final grounding

giving life back to the earthen soil

The snows will float gently

as the leaves before

down to lay upon them

holding onto the precious waters of life

The leaves are blanketed with protection

from the winds that brought themto their final resting place

Here is where their transformation takes place

as they decay from the leaves we have known

and become the nourishment

gifted with the melted snows

for the next generationborn in spring

The leaves I have loved

for all of my days on earth

the smell of them

the sound of them

crackling sweetly below my feet

telling the story of the winter to come

The varied shapes and colors

I would collect as a child

determined

to keep each and every one

I sit here now

In realization I have none

But the memories of the beloved leaves

gifted from my tree brothers and sisters

I will carry with me always

The joyousness of piling them together

to jump… to play… to hide… to roll … to be…with leaves

They would stick to my hair

and be found inside my clothes

from the day that they fell

until the day the snow cameand buried my beloved companions for the year

I would throw them at my brother

sometimes my sister too

she however was convinced

she had grown too oldfor such child’s play as leaves

As I look out the window

at the forest all around me

I find leaves are at a minimum

as it is evergreen trees I see

If there were enough

I’d find a handy rake

and make a real big pile

and recapture

the smell… the touch… the life… of leaves

By rolling… and laughing… and giggling… and jumping

and when winter stole my precious leaves for the year

I could begin to dream aboutsleds… and snowballs… and snowmen

and continue the joyousness of leaves

into the whiteness of winter

Engtovo ~ November 11 1997

Honoring the Woman Within

Honoring the woman within is trusting in yourself to intuit life’s problems, giving your spirit the doorway to show you the opportunity being presented to you in the moment.Honoring the woman within is immersing yourself in joyous emotion, celebration, birth, and creation.

Honoring the woman within is empowering all life through the knowledge of your oneness, not needing to have power of, or over others to be empowered within yourself.

Honoring the woman within is outstretching your hands with the dove of peace, walking in a way that serves as an example that the tearing down, and negative vibrations among people can be set aside with all parties being empowered and loved.

Honoring the woman within is releasing attachment to old ideals that no longer serve the higher vibration in your heart.

Honoring the woman within is moving beyond what outside influences say you should or should not be, and living the perfect plan within your heart.

Honoring the woman within is choosing to honor each other as women, offering respect and love for our paths, our lessons, and our relationships.

Honoring the woman within is embracing your knowing that we are each perfect and loved.  You have no need to compete, for you cannot be compared to any other when you see that we are all divine reflections of the creator’s love.

Honoring the woman within is reaching inside and finding the places within you in need of nurturing, and allowing yourself to receive this gift.  For in nurturing yourself you fuel the engine of divine woman within that allows you to reach forth and nurture the children and men of your world.

Honoring the woman within is reaching forth with healing for your sisters, for in the healing of each one in the sisterhood of light, the love on the planet grows exponentially, and we give birth to and nurture a new generation within a higher vibration.

Honoring the woman within is connecting deeply to the Earth Mother and allowing her to show you the ways of service on the planet that will benefit her, you, and all of creation, allowing her to keep you grounded and focused.

Honoring the woman within is honoring all life.  A woman not honoring herself cannot honor a man, a child, or another woman, and will continue to put forth the patterns learned from the women role models in her life, who did not know, or felt they did not have the permission, or right, to honor themselves.

Honoring the woman within is a gift to all of humanity, as wisdom is brought forth, and the gentleness and love of woman is remembered and expressed, bringing greater light into the world.

© 1997 Engtovo Bhodsvatan

Knowing

I wonder when I’ll see you again

thinking of your tentative smile

your gentle hug

your distant look across the room

your curious thought of what next

your frustration at our attempts to communicate

and your excitement at wondering when you’ll see me again

Why do we come to density and think

that to remember will make it easier somehow?

Is it not harder to know and feel you must pretend you don’t know,

or must figure out if the other person knows too

wouldn’t it be nice to know you know

and know the other person knows what you know

and both know so absolutely that the discussion of knowing

could be a no (know) thing

I know you know I’m thinking of you

and you know I know your thinking of me

and when I see you again

we will be polite and distant

and wish we could reach out our arms to each other in our knowing

and trust in the universe to show us the rest of the way

Engtovo ~ March 13 1997

Glass Rock

All the flamboyant talk

the glass ride of rock

image perceived

only a mirage

your deceived

you see through what is real

cause the truth the glass does conceal

the glass side of rock

Look into the crystal cut

look into the glass rock but

shield your eyesthe glass rock lies

Idea present within your mind

struggling ignorant of what you’ll find

look only at the best

looking through windows

not seeing the rest

Sometimes clear

and sometimes tinted

edges so sharp

truth only hinted

broken with rejection

you only see what you want in the reflection

Engtovo ~ May 7 1986