Eating me alive
They are entangled and unclear
There is no delineation
The pain it comes from all directions
Resolution can not be found
As the layers that held things in place are gone
Everything swirls around
It has no structure
The dots cannot be connected
Leaving me grasping at random moving targets
No answers
No ideas
Just this momentum
Pushing me to nowhere
Or somewhere untouchable
So foreign
I feel it not
See it not
Care not
Apathy sets in
Frustration guides the thoughts
But the feelings move independent
What is this path
Why did I take it
Why did it mater
What does it really offer
What is this place
This time
In which I linger
I can pin down nothing in thought
Nothing in emotion
The soul in some kind of purgatory
What does it wait for
And is it worth waiting for
Wasting away
My body dies
Without permission
Decays from abandonment
I would force myself to take a step forward
But there is no forward
No back
No sidestep
No path trail or road
Just this moment
In which there is nowhere to go
If only it felt good
With no desire to move
Is that death
Or new life
Or both
I have no fight
And no surrender
I just rot in place
Feeling as if I will simply implode
And cease to exist
Or remain in the same exact state of rot
Self love and self hate battling alone
With no participation
No guidance
No support
For either side
People loving or hating me
Not caring if I love or hate myself
They don’t see
Or care if I move
Or rot in stagnation
Each holds their own truth

Tatiacha ~ October 27, 2012

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