More on Anger & Healing

I woke up pondering more about the Anger issue and feeling like there was more to be said on the matter.  One reason is someone close to me has had lifelong anger issues. So I was pondering what I had expressed before about owning and expressing anger in a safe way, and or transforming it into something positive, and the differences between that and how this person’s anger expresses.  The comment below that was recently posted got me to thinking about the deep resentment aspect of anger that can rip apart a marriage, or other intimate relationship.  It also got me to thinking about what he calls righteous anger.

What I have  learned about anger is that it is a useful emotion so that you will take a look at yourself and keep your mouth shut about others.   It really works for a successful marriage.   Righteous anger like the kind Jesus showed is a spiritual quality versus the anger that most of us feel all the time which comes from the ego.    The latter is what most people get in trouble about.

I was laying in bed thinking about the resentful ranging anger, we have all felt it.  It’s horrible, it’s consuming, and wrenching.  Then I thought about how my anger feels when I am all fired up, and  pissed off about new agers making my work harder for example.  Inside me having felt both, these are two completely different feelings.  I laid there the longest time wondering if there were any words to describe the difference between them that I felt.  The second one inside me is more like passion, it’s intense but fleeting.  It is expressed in words, in song, in a discussion with someone I’m close to, the writing of a poem and it’s gone.  It rarely survives even a day.

The first kind and it’s depth seems to be either a situational anger that can pass as the situation changes, or this ongoing raging that becomes toxic in nature.  The person that I am close to that has this anger inside likes to express it at other people.  This is obviously the toxic aspect that then eats away and destroys aspects of his intimate relationships.  We have had many conversations over the years about this element of his personality and how it does not serve him.  He has a great deal of spiritual knowledge and yet this one element seems to stop him in his tracks.

So how does one such as he own his anger and express it in a non harmful way or transform it?  Oh the making of so many conversations!  Over the years I have seen several elements in his anger that really are the core to me.  One is control.  He has a desire to control the outcome of things that are not controllable.  He has an immense level of fear, and he chooses not to trust his higher power.  All three of these things are obviously connected and the source of the anger.  He hasn’t shown a real desire to delve into those things and work them through.  This leaves him with an unending amount of anger expressing through.

I can only think of a friend I met several years ago online who worked with the right use of will material.  I have never read the material, but everything I have heard I really related to.  This friend was going through a horrible time in his marriage, his wife was unfaithful and in his open mindedness he even agreed to try polymory.  He was filled with anger and rage and introduced me to his version of RAGING.  he would go out into nature and scream, yell and rage, kick things around, and keep going until he exhausted himself and felt emptied or was left in tears that came until he was emptied.  He did this several times a week during this period and it worked for him.  He moved through the rage and when he was done, he decided that he wanted something different from a marriage than this wife was willing to offer, and divorced and moved on with his life.

I often wonder if this raging technique could help this other person’s anger.  What cautions me in this thought is the knowing that he seems to want to keep his anger, and knowing that he has these deep core issues from which this anger springs, that are not being dealt with.  So how do we heal or deal with an issue of wanting to control God’s plan in life?  For me I have always had a willingness to move through God’s plan.  I know I am one puzzle piece in this huge amazing puzzle.  All I have to do is my piece.  Some times I want the details of what it is that I am doing and none come, and I do it anyway.  Years later I may be shown what that was about and I find it all so fascinating.

Other people may say, well if you can’t tell me what I am doing this for, than I am unwilling to do it.  You have the right to do this, but when you do you get left out of the puzzle.  So that element comes down to being willing.  What makes some of us willing to allow God to move us through life, and other people unwilling to trust God’s plans.  I really can’t answer that question.  The reason being, that not being willing is foreign to me.  I see it in other people, I see the anger it causes them, the pain, I recognize it, but I don’t understand it.

This same element of willingness comes into our trust in spirit.  I am not the most trusting person on the earth.  However, I have an amazing trust in my guides and our relationship, that many people in my life don’t understand.  To me it is quite simple, they have always been there for me, no questions asked 24-7.  They have never expected me to be anything other than I am, in the moment.  If the moment is not great, they will tell me “all is well” and “a better moment is coming”.  I have talked at length with people about this inner relationship, but there is no way to truly convey the things unseen.  My guides are my best friends, they are hilariously funny, kind, gentle and filled with love.  At times they are not afraid to give me a good talking to, if I am wallowing.  I am filled with gratitude that I have this gift in my life of their friendship and we have this amazing mutual respect.

When I come upon the unwilling, I see suspicion and and unwillingness to open the heart even to one’s own guidance.  It just makes me want to yell “hey you chose the guide how dare you not trust him/her now!”  What causes this level of fear?  How do we then find an appropriate outlet for the fear so;

the fear can pass
the heart can open
the trust and willingness can be born
and the anger and resentment that eats the soul can be released

If only I had an answer to that one!  The problem is a hundred solutions can be offered but the person dealing with this issue has to be WILLING to use one. So it would appear that complete unwillingness is a terminal condition?  I guess if I thought I had a terminal condition caused by myself I would be one unhappy camper too.  I believe there has to be  a breakthrough somehow.  I am not one to believe anything is terminal.  It is the quirk of my spirit I am the biggest cynical optimist you’ll ever meet.  I have no faith in humanity, but my faith in God is so strong that I don’t need to trust humanity.  Ponder that one for a while 🙂

So where’s the breakthrough and does it have to be a big nasty spiritual slap upside the head?  I guess in this post I am putting it out there to you all.  Have you been there?   Did  you have a personal breakthrough that moved you into remission of this terminal disease, of unwillingness born anger.  If so I would like to hear about it and more to the point I would like this person in my life hear that it can be overcome.  There is nothing like the story of someone who has been exactly where you are, and moved beyond it, to help inspire.  Maybe you, yeah YOU, reading this is the inspiration he needs.

So maybe my pondering on anger has really become a call for healing.  I have been able to offer this person little, as the appearance of ease with which I traverse my path (which is an illusion) is one of the things he resents.  So with willingness and trust I am handing this desire to see him have a healing breakthrough over to the whole.  He has amazing gifts he could offer the greater puzzle and I would like to see them interwoven in the Creation.  It is out of my control and I give it over.

4 thoughts on “More on Anger & Healing

  1. About 3 years ago my daughter’s marriage was really in trouble. Her husband had recently been fired, he was suffering and not very present which caused her to be angry with him and lash out. She asked me what to do because her arguments against him were right and she felt perfectly justified in saying them. I told her that she probably wouldn’t believe me, but that if she would just keep her big mouth shut and work on her own issues, that her marriage would improve dramatically. Of course she didn’t believe me right away because her anger would take control and then she would let him have it. After a couple of weeks she stopped raging at him and started dealing with her own issues, mainly anxiety. What came up was that she needed to find a way to have more creative expression because she is an artist as well as a full time mom. She had previously done the artists excuse of saying she needed long blocks of time to produce that were uninterrupted. When she got over this, she started painting more and then started making money from her paintings. Now her marriage is really united and together and both of them work very strongly on their issues all the time. I had to convince her at first that even though she may have been correct, saying it out loud to the other person was not working. It was the realization that the anger and criticism didn’t work that turned her to working on her own self. Being critical just isn’t a productive strategy. I love your example of the guy who had an outlet for his anger first that was not directed at others because it seems to me that when he got enough of it out, he could make a great decision for himself. It always comes back to doing your own work.

  2. You said that this “person” in your life expresses anger directly aimed at an individual, or, in your words, “likes to express it at other people”, which to me, is “aiming” that anger into the persons energy field, and that qualifies as an “attack” in the strictest sense of the word, even if the person receiving it “tries” to not take it personally, or, because of their own level of self mastery can internally transform it with relative ease. It still is what it is, which is a low and dense vaibratory force, in its present expression.

    So my question would be, why is it that you, or the person on the receiving end, would not draw a clear and specific “line” about what is and is not okay relative to your interaction with this person. There would have to be a REASON. And, maybe THAT is the breakthrough you are looking for. And certainly, we can have compassion or understanding for someone while drawing our own personal line. For instance, it can be stated to this person that you really understand that he is dealing with some very difficult feelings, AND if he would like to work with that and explore it, you are willing to do that, but are not willing to be a target of those feelings.

    Your example of the man who expressed his anger by raging in the woods, is a perfect example of someone who acknowledges what is “there” and allows flow and expression of it, but does so without harmful intent, either towards himself or others.

    Your friend, however, while perhaps not consciously intending harm, is nonetheless personalizing his anger by directing it towards another being and as a result cannot help but be harming all that are involved in the equation, including himself. At root is some sort of self condemnation/hatred and ATTACHMENT, and so yes, that would translate as a lack of trust. Why would anybody that gets hijacked into expressing harmful anger trust themselves, either within or without?

    While you may not have the answers for him at your immediate disposal, your first responsibility is to determine what is acceptable, or not, for YOU. Oftentimes, by doing that, you are also acting in the highest interest of all concerned in the matter and in so doing, your friend will have to take a look at his choices and what may be involved in them, or at the very least will have to make a different choice in the case of the person that has drawn the line, which is at least a step in the right direction.

  3. You make a lot of really good points. Those lines for me are clearly drawn, and I don’t accept being attacked in this mannor. I almost wrote about the attachment aspect as well, but the writing took another direction 🙂

  4. I came across some more info.recently.The old info. was that anger turned inward is deppression and Recently what I came across is that people who are depressed have anger issues that they have not been able to acknowledged or work on and people with anger issues have depression(sadness)they have not acknowledged or dealt with.Possibly they may acknowledge these problems(on a gut level) but are afraid to or haven’t had the non-shaming,non-judgemental loving environment to express these feelings.I seem to think that most people are affraid(F-Everything- And-Run) to get in touch with the pain they are affraid they will lose control,but don’t realize they don’t have much control to begin with.It is really kind of sad and yet still amazes me that most of the people that I thought had major anger issues after I got to know them turned out to be very sensitive people that just put up major walls and fronts to keep people from seeing there intense pain.I found this little story recently.Heaven and Hell;A big,burly samurai comes to a Zen master and say’s”Tell me the nature of heaven and hell.”The Zen master looks him in the face and say’s”Why should I tell a scruffy,discusting, miserable slob like you,do you think I should tell you anything?”Consumed by rage,the samurai draws his sword and raises it to cut off the master’s head.The Zen master say’s”That’s Hell.”Instantly,the samurai understands that he has just created his own hell-black and hot,filled with hatred,self-protection,anger,and resentment.He sees that he was so deep in hell that he was ready to kill someone.Tears fill his eyes as he puts his palms togeather to bow in gratitude for this insight.The Zen master say,”That’s heaven.”—Then it gos on to say;only with equanimity(heaven and hell) can we see that everything that comes into our circle has come to teach us what we need to know.The movie, Anger Management with Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson always reminds me to laugh yet I also know proper assertiveness is extremely important.We can’t always be walking the dog or in the park.Good communication skills(emotionally/intellectualy) are the key.Like alot of my problems I wasn’t taught these skills or possibly was effected by my environment or I just had/have a hard head or a combination of all three.The thing I try to teach my children is it’s hard to learn anything when you think you know everything.That was one of my problems.Now I like to try to be more open minded and willing to learn a (mis)quote Socrates”The more I know the more I know there is to know.”Peace and love,Patrick

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