Always Broken

I’m alone
So alone
No one to hold to touch
My heart aches
And nothing changes
I am isolated here
These two bodies that share this house
Are empty
We exist in the same space
But nothing moves between us
Will it always be this way
I don’t see a way out
I’m afraid I will die like this
I have no one
Nothing
I reach out to spirit
They are always with me
But they cannot hug me
Hold my hand
Look into my eyes
I’ve tried to shut down
So the pain would stop
But it doesn’t work
I can’t stop feeling and feeling
Longing
Fearing
Please make it stop
Give meaning to my life
What is the point in my being here
No one’s life would be different without me
Mom would cry and be a victim
For a week or two
She would then do what she does
Sit in front of the TV
Saying she is going to go through my stuff tomorrow
Randy would simply have an excuse to wallow
He wallows now with no excuse
Lee would be affected
But he has lived without me before
So tell me God why do I remain
To fight the illuminati
And if so then why do you not support me
Why do I struggle and toil
If your work is my only reason for life
No husband
No children
Only pain and loneliness
I cannot do it anymore
You know I would never take my life
It is not how I am made up
So is it my suffering you want
This world would survive without me
My passing would go almost unnoticed
Maybe 10 people would care at all
They would say it’s a shame
And go on as we all do at a passing
A life insignificant
Nothing to pass on
No one to pass it on to
If I could be like others
I could just hide from these facts in a bottle
Pretend my life has meaning
But I am not
And I see the spec that I am
My life does not align with my truths
I am just another hypocrite in a sea of dreamers
Always wanting
Never finding a way to do
Never believing in my ability to do
Just alone with my dreams
Why can’t I have love
Be loved
Give love
What the hell is wrong with me
I’m broken
I keep trying to fix me
To no avail
Still broken
Always broken

Engtovo ~ June 8, 2006

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