Pain At The Core

Touching a core
Seeing & feeling the shift it brings
New honoring of self brings clarity
It then opens the way to more unknown and confusion
It is odd clarity and confusion side by side
I move in the right direction
I feel it
And yet I know not where I am headed in the short term
Only one long term is known
And from there it is unknown yet again
It is the human condition I suppose
I have found inner power
But the rest of me is trying to catch up
My body still groans as it repairs the damage done
I reach out for a plan
I know I have one
But it is unavailable for my appraisal
Time feels short
I am told it is in perfection
Time to do all that needs to be done
But what actually needs to be done
And what do I simply perceive needs to be done
And how do I keep my perceptions
From pressuring me by feeling things will not get done
As much as I hated the previous script
I knew what to anticipate
Now I know little
Only that love will win
Has already won
Even though those who hate think otherwise
Everything is obscure
Unformed
Is it wrong to want to see a little form
Even if it is only on a personal level
I have been changed
Stripped of old energy
It is freeing
And part of me still struggles with that freedom
Placing physical limitations upon me
The pain was intense
A teacher that I choose to never use again
There had to be another pathway to the same end
Now that I am mostly through to this side
I see the gift in it all
The way it reached in and cleared away
Everything that stood in the way
The transformation is big
Huge
Not quite comprehensible
So many questions are left in its aftermath
My foundation has been shaken loose
Only truth can be left to rebuild with
How many foundational pieces are left to discard
When will a sense of stability be regained on the new foundation
I seek the balanced state
What is happening within now is a state of flux
The end result of which is known
But not fully comprehended
The pain at the core no longer owns me
But the love from the core
Has not fully stabilized
There is a shattering sense that is expansion
And a desire to gather all the pieces
And quickly put them back together
Maintain the known
But pieces are already missing
Gone
Others fade quickly
There is no repair that can be made of the shattered illusions
Soon I will no longer desire to repair that perspective
But now I sit in silence and I am lost in myself
I am a puzzle and I have no picture to use to put me together
Only Creator has that picture
And only Creator can put me together from here
My place is to get out of the way
But mind wonders when, how, what will become
And so I contemplate
And time passes

Engtovo ~ January 29, 2006

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