Earn My Own Trust

Mercury returns to me
Bringing up feelings
I thought long ago dead
Sadness
Loneliness
Hopelessness
Lack of faith in my own power
It is the right time to face these things again
Or they would not be here in my heart
How many layers deep do they go
When will I pass through them forever
I am not where I want to be
Expressing as I see myself
What will bridge the gap
Allow me to create my life in truth
As I know myself within
Pain does not express me
It is a lie
I am not a victim
But I cling to victimization patterns
That do not serve me
I will not allow others to define me consciously
And yet I am not defining myself
Not choosing to live as me somehow
What is the first step
I wish I knew
What action would set me on that path
I ponder
Contemplate endlessly
And no answer emerges
And so I continue
Looking for a solution
That does not materialize
I feel I must seek it
But it eludes me so completely
I am lost
Not knowing where to begin the search
It must come from within
But it is as if that part of me is missing
Doesn’t exist
And so I sit here praying to be saved
When I know only I can save myself
Where will I learn how
Or is it simply that the part of me that knows how
Still doesn’t believe I deserve it
The information is being hidden away from me
By me
What does it take to earn my own trust
To sustain my own faith in myself
To break through this barrier
I don’t have the energy to endure
So what does that mean
I will give up on my self
Just lay down and die now
And I will have proven myself unworthy of my own trust and faith
That makes me so angry
How dare I refuse myself anything
What ever made me believe I had permission
To hold myself captive
Punish myself
For deeds of perspective that are meaningless
What do I say to myself deep down
I have hurt people
Everyone on the planet has hurt people
That does not make me unique
People have hurt me
We have all been hurt that does not make me unique
Do I believe I should be immune to being hurt
Be perfect never hurting another
Even sacrifice who I am to not hurt another
Subjugate myself
It is not possible
I could give myself away
In an effort to never hurt anyone
And in the process someone would get hurt
And I would be hurt the worst of all
No I must think I need punishment
Simply for my existence
Some part of me does not believe I have the right exist
To be alive
To be on the planet
What part are you
And what led you to this absurd perspective
And how do I neutralize you forever
Or integrate you into the truth
I am worthy just because I exist
I am a child of God
And nothing more is required of me other than my existence
To deserve every good thing in life
My heart wants to scream
No words
No thought
Just primal
Disgust that it has come to this
Days are wasted in this crap
When God wants me to have joy
When is it enough
This is my creation
And I am not satisfied with it
I want more
Deserve more
Must create more
I am tired of settling for this
Talking of timing
Trying to be at peace with what is
Be in acceptance
I am NOT in acceptance
I don’t want to accept this
It can change
I should only accept what cannot be changed
I have to find a way to turn this anger I feel around
Instead of turning it on myself for creating this
I need to use it to move the energy forward
And bring my change
Create my life
As I envision it in truth

Engtovo ~ November 20, 2005

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