Always Alone

I feel small
Insignificant
Lost in a abyss of billions
Does anybody really live their life
Most are lost in drugs and alcohol
Economic slavery
What is it to live
Truly live
I feel stuck
Like a wheel that is not turning
I should be
It exerts effort to turn
But the wheel remains
When it should be effortless
Automatic
I feel a shift
Then it fades
Another comes
And it fades
But everything remains the same
Making all the shifts
Appear to not matter
Even though I know
I am not the same
Does it matter
That I am not the same
If my life is the same
Moods fade in and out
Hope and hopelessness
Are all that turns here
Things I long wanted to let go of
Cycle of victimization
I step up and take my power
Over and over
But it is never quite enough
How much power is required
What stops me from wielding it
I ‘m so tired
Sleep my only refuge
Sometimes sweet
Sometimes fitful
Not refuge at all
I acquiesce it does nothing
I fight it does nothing
I accept acknowledge allow
It does nothing
Action must be required
But no action speaks to me
No doors open
It is purgatory
Waiting watching hoping
Life passes hope fades
As it must be for any victim
I want to scream
“I give up”
But was I ever here
What am I giving up
Please take me into your arms God
Everything else is a lie
My heart can’t withstand the lies
They are heavy
Sad
Pathetic
I can’t hide from them
With drugs and alcohol like the rest do
I am floundering
Drowning
What is here for me
Please show me
Because all I can see is unreachable
Never comes
Just a dream
A hope to be dashed
By the cruelty of time
And my heart aches
Alone
Always alone

Engtovo ~ November 19, 2005

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