My Sun

Tears mount
As the sun activates within
The emotions overtake me
There is sadness here
Its origin and reason unknown to me
All I can do is be with it
Know it
Perhaps it will reveal itself to me
Maybe it is simply in the process
Of being burned off me
As the sun grows in intensity
It is the impure aspect of my emotion
Being let go
Something more is just beyond me
I cannot fully feel it
Or reach it
I simply know it is there
Waiting for me
I yearn for it
Not knowing why
Let it come in now
And fill me
Breathe it in
Feel its flow
I am being called
My heart hears and wants to answer
But it does not know how
When
Where
It seeks an open door
One basking in love and light
Let it show itself that I may step through
The old way can no longer serve
If it ever truly did
The new way must be born from within
I do not know the process of this labor
To birth the new way
It is foreign
I feel lost
Alone
Even as I am surrounded by spiritual allies
Supporting
Loving
Acknowledging this new sun
I want to reach out
But do not know what to reach for
How long must this labor last
How much pain is still trapped inside me to be purged
I am like a small child
Alone in my room
Afraid of the unknown
With no one to call to
No one who will comfort me
I want to crawl into the closet and hide
Curl up into a ball
And pray that it be done
I know no human will come for me
Only God will come for me
And I must hold on to my faith
But I am tired
I don’t know if I can hold on
Don’t know if I want to hold on
Don’t know if I am suppose to hold on
The sky is blue and clear
The birds are flying free
Why am I trapped here
I am God’s child too
Their freedom is my freedom
But I can’t touch it
Feel it
Live it
It is as though this new sun
Has already burned out
Has no more fuel
Does not care to even be a sun
Is empty
What will fill it
Will it be filled
Or will it be allowed to burn out and die
Or simply transform into something else
Does it matter
Am I supposed to care
I have only questions
No answers
Maybe it will be revealed
Maybe it will simply pass
Just one day in thousands
A birth
A death
Both
Neither
Just a moment

Engtovo – November 18, 2005

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