How Dare You

What’s loyalty
What’s family
Where is the line
The truth
What is guilt and obligation
What is freely given
What is manipulation
How does one free oneself without guilt
From those who are entwined into our lives
Relationships that are unhealthy
Expectations unrealistic and undeserved
Why do we give one another these powers
If I take care of myself
I am said to be selfish
Whether it is true or not
It holds energy
With lifelong relationships
I can do nothing wrong
And be seen as the bad guy
As others cling to victimization
And project onto me as the oppressor
Simply for taking my own power and walking away
Having done nothing to them
Good bad or indifferent
Simply choosing to live my life
How did it get this way
Why did I allow it
Why does my stomach still churn
As if the world will crumble
When I make the choice to nurture myself by moving on
Because I will not have their approval and acceptance
I do not have it now in truth
But they pretend I do
And so what is it I lose by my choice
I lose only them pretending to accept me
Pretending to respect me
Pretending to care about my spiritual perspectives
And yet the masterful family plan is so ingrained
That my stomach churns more and more
At the thought of losing the illusion
It all disgusts me to the core
Is my own self worth really so fragile
That I am afraid to have my family stop pretending to accept me
And just be in an honest space about their resentment
The envy
The fear
The anger
How many years have I been subtlety trained
To feel guilt a the slightest thought of independence
Shame that I should want to do something without them
I have the right to my life
God gave it to me
He did not tie us together like Siamese twins
I want to scream
How dare you
How dare you
You don’t even like me
Yet I am suppose to sit here and beg for your acceptance and approval
Suppose to give you my gifts
So you can throw them away like they are nothing
Suppose to feel like less than I am
So that others can try to be ok with themselves
I am sorry that you envy me
That is your sorry self esteem
You don’t have the right to tear me down to feel better
You don’t have the right to claim some part of me
Current or future
As if I am something you own
Like an investment that won’t seem to come to fruition
Is always a disappointment to you
Despite the fact that you are clueless what goes on within me
Looking for results
That are not of you or for you
I must cast it all off now
There will be intense anger that I don’t comply with the expectations
But this is not my burden to carry
I have done nothing to harm any
Only tried to love
But that is not what this family is about
New family will be born
Of others like myself
This will bring even further anger
You will feel betrayed
Simply because I love
How sad is that
I will never understand how we came to this
I know the history
And yet it makes no sense
You will feel betrayed by me empowering myself
Choosing to seek joy and love in life
You can’t even see that if I had the power
That is the same thing I would want for you all
But you don’t want it for yourselves
And you don’t want me to have it
So what choice do you leave me
But to walk away
To follow the Creator’s path for me
It’s been such a long and difficult journey together
If only I had found the courage at the deepest level
The understanding and truth that I sought to protect a lie
I would have been able to walk away years ago
But everything in its own time
Your anger, disappointment, feelings of betrayal
Whatever you want to place on me
It is your own
And I leave it with you

Engtovo ~ October 20, 2005

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