I Let Go

Why don’t you leave my mind

You sneak into my dreams not fully seen

But still acknowledged

I want to forget you

Your face

Your touch

My desire to feel your touch again

I feel you thinking of me

And I wonder what you are doing

I wish to see you again

But I know I cannot

There are not two people here but three

I know noting about the third

Except that she exists

She was first

If I had known

No touch would have happened

But I did not

And now that touch lingers in my heart and body

I feel your conflict

But I do not understand your situation

Your choices are your own

I know life is often more complicated than simple thoughts

My view cannot take into account all the facts of your life

And yet in my simplicity

I wonder

Why when one is unhappy do they stay

If you had made another choice

Perhaps you would have been single when we met

But you did not

And now we are both conflicted

In a sense you shared your inner torment with me

I know that was not your intent

You were simply lonely

You reached out to me

And I responded

Not understanding that your loneliness lived within a relationship

I have made other choices

When I was unhappy and married

I ended my marriage

I did not reach out to another man

And make things worse for all three of us

I imagine that she does not know of me

I imagine from what I do know of your marriage

Perhaps she would not even care

That you are lost to one another but feel leaving is not an option

But perhaps there is a chance to heal

To recapture what you may have once shared

That is the choice you have before you now

Do you see it

Please stop thinking about me

So I will stop feeling your energy to mine

I have shared with you my feelings

That I cannot participate in a relationship of three

Even though I think of you often and wonder

That is my own loneliness

I will not be ruled by it

I will not allow it to dictate my ethics or morals

My integrity

I will be loyal to my true self

That knows loneliness is no excuse

To come into a marriage

Once known

There was only one choice

And I made it as I had to

But that doesn’t mean I had to like it

And I don’t

I see your smile

A look in your eyes I remember

It has been such a long time since I saw that look in the eyes of a man

Looking at me

I resent having to walk away

Because you refused to deal with the relationship you were in

And reached out to me

Knowing you were not available

But leaving me ignorant

Damn you

Get out of my thought

Get out of my dreamtime

Heal your marriage or leave it and heal yourself

Neither choice affects me directly

As we are in the past now

But either choice would stop you from thinking about me

And that would stop the energy that drifts to me from you

Calling out to me

Like you reaching out and taking my arm for a hug

I am searching for a way to let go of something

That had no true closure

Because it was still nothing more than potential

I have never had a problem letting go of finished relationships

This is letting go of a relationship that never truly began

Why should this be so hard to set free

The what if

What if you had been single

Where would we be with this

It is a waste of time

Of energy

It hurts

I am asking the divine to guide me through this

To show me to the way to be in the truth of this moment

This knowing

There is no us

No potential us

We were but one moment in time

That is past

A tender moment

There is a gift we received from one another

Something we both needed

A healing

A wake up call perhaps

But it is done

Let me be done with it now

Is my self worth still so defeated that I fear

No other man will have that look in his eyes

When looking at me

Is that the thing that keeps you in my thought

If that is so

Then I need divine guidance at a much deeper level

How do I finally come to completion with that

To know that I will see that look again

In the eyes of a kind and loving man

Who is free to be with me

Tears well in my eyes

And the sigh is in my breath

This makes me weary

How could I still be that filled with self hatred

Or fear

Do I really believe that

Or is it just an old thought that I can simply discard now

I do believe I will see that look again and

Yet that belief frightens me

I am afraid to give it full force

Am I afraid of being disappointed

Or afraid of how simple a truth it is

Afraid of how easy it may be for a good man to see me that way

Simply by me allowing him to see me

Really see me

That I have seen that look seldom

Only because I have not allowed

These men into my life

To see my real heart

To feel my energy and love

I have kept them at a distance

Somehow you snuck past my defenses and found me

I am afraid no one else will sneak by

Or want to try

And that I will not allow my self to drop the defenses

So they will not have to find a way past them

Whether I drop the defenses or another sneaks past

Another will come

That is the truth

I have called out energetically

Someone will see the energy

Like you did

You showed me it can be done

But I must have the faith to put out into that energy

Some boundaries

And know there will still be someone to come

It cannot be a relationship of three

Only two

Where ever you are tonight know I have no regrets

I don’t think it serves you to wallow in guilt

About me or her

Make choices for yourself

Do not be victim or victimizer

I will not play the victim role here

You taught me about myself

And for that I am grateful

I simply choose not to repeat this scenario

The next man must be free for me

And there is a next man

I put you into the past with conviction

You must stay there

I pray for you to find peace

I wish you farewell

I say goodbye in energy now

We will not have the chance to talk about these things

I know that is a part of your energy coming to me

You feel incomplete in our communication

Know that it is done in spirit

There is no need to talk about these things

I understand your loneliness

I don’t need to know the rest of the story

Say farewell

Say goodbye in energy to me

Allow the gifts between us to be honored

By letting go

As I choose to do now

I place you on my hand

I turn my hand over and simply allow you to fall away

It is with love

I let go

Engtovo ~ October 15, 2003

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