Dearest Xana

I am sorry

It is you who have been done the greatest disservice

I know you chose your mother and you are not a victim

But I also know that we as a group have fallen short

We have allowed you to fall through the cracks

We have not held your parents up to the task

Have not insisted that they honor your precious life

We have stood by and said little or nothing

We have not stood our ground

We have watched as the wounds you carry deepen

As your mother neglects you in the name of spirit

Of our Creator

Of our Earth

I see your gifts fading

Your remembrance of the divine that you came with seeping away

I have not known you long

But long enough to see the potential that is being lost

Long enough to feel in part responsible

For all that you will not reach for with lack of foundation

Building a better future for our children

It is a worthy cause

It takes work and dedication

You are not the only child whose parents are not living this truth

That does not make it ok

Because every child is special

You are special

No one can offer the world what you came to offer it

I will pray that you will one day find the strength to see your Creator within

To find there the truth

That which your parents are not offering you

To see the difference between true spirituality

And those who are talking but not living it

There are no words to give expression to the feeling in my heart

There is anger that exists within me for every parent who refuses to nurture their child

Some do this because they know nothing else

I wish this was the case for you Xana

But many have offered your parents a place to start for you

Not enough to get through to them

Or perhaps no matter how diligent we would have been

They would have refused to see

I will always love the heart you showed me

Always pray for your precious life

I will sacrifice many connections

And leave this situation to stand in my truth

I wish I could help you to understand that this is a gift

My gift to you

But alas I doubt you will ever know the truth

That I stood my ground

To me that means not participating in something that claims

It is for you and the other children

But will not live it for you

It makes my heart heavy

But know in spirit that I spoke

That I advocated for you and all the other children of the dance

Because my belief in your right to a better future is more than words

Because I know how much work it is to raise a child

Because I know the sacrifices that must be made to heal

To stop the cycle

To refuse to give the dysfunction to the next generation

I wish I could make those things happen for you

That is not in my power

And so I say goodbye

But the love in my heart will never leave you

And the memory of you will be with me always

Engtovo ~ September 21, 2003

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