Mother – define this word

As a definition escapes me from experience in this body alone

I can return before this body and find ample definition

But when I do it only serves to make defining the term in this body

All the more gruesome of a task

What creates a mother that can have her heart closed

Even to her own children

This defies my understanding at a level so deep

That this one question alone

If answered

Perhaps has the potential to solve all of the earth’s problems

What happens to the essence of a woman

That she could create life within her

And in any form

Emotional, physical, mental or spiritual

Seek to destroy that very life

How can a mother’s heart be filled with envy for her own child

And wish to stop that child from succeeding

From having joy and a good life

How deep does her shadow have to control her

How can a mother take credit for anything good her child has ever done

To be ok in herself

She must hold her own child down in some form

What kind of mother wishes to steal a child’s self respect and self reliance

In order to serve herself

One who would sacrifice the lives and happiness of all her children

To not be alone herself

Instead of living her life and not being alone by being alive

What a coward such a woman must be

What depth of self hatred she must carry

And yet even with understanding of this

I still cannot understand how it came to be so

How can she look right into my eyes

And attempt to deceive and manipulate me

How can she live with knowing how she has hurt us all

And not want to change

But continue forth the same

How shut down do you have to be

To be that completely self centered

That you cannot even see your own child’s pain staring back at you

What kind of woman can’t even accept self responsibility for these things

When her daughter offers her total forgiveness and new beginning

But instead she digs in more determined to control for her own ends

Each and every part of me that I have hated and have healed was a part of her

How did I find my own heart in the midst of her energies

In every part of my life

As much as I have always wanted children

I am grateful that they did not come

That I did not offer them

The part of me that I modeled after her

In my young ignorance

I turned to God and got a true reflection to model

And prayed she would do the same

But she did not

I have given her 8 years this time for this healing

This only because of a child

That my heart would not see grow up

With only her view of the world

What does mother mean

I cannot define it by my own

For she is the definition of what is not a mother

So I will move forth on my own now

With only the earth for my mother

And allow God to heal within me

What is left to heal

In relation to mother

Engtovo ~ April 9, 2002

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