For Eric

Love endures for lifetimes and reaches back and forward to touch beyond reference of time

Tiny hands reach out to me with healing not telling me what they will bring me

With transition after transition

Life force changes not once but twice each time unique and so special is the energy to my heart

Many hearts of one life each to make a whole that is divine in each piece of one personal puzzle

One awakens and heals the wounded heart in me

Small arms with absolute innocence call to me to come to service

pushing me to seek the answers that I desire about Samantha

telling me with loving knowing that she and I are ok

That we still have love in the midst of great loss

After separation sought for my own survival as a woman desiring to have heart

I struggle in retuning to this family and your grandmother,

whom I do not trust with the depth of my pain and loss of my daughter

But you are there

Your love is so pure, so absolute

You do not call for your mother,

Or cry for your home as seen by the world

Content in my home

In my arms we just reach to each other

We take adventures together and my heart heals the painful loss of child

and ending of addiction in your presence

My time with you is the time I learn what simple joy is

The mind suspended from thoughts of worry or pain in you presence

We exist in the moment

These days lead me to conscious contact with the spirits who guide us

You expound your wisdom upon us all and fill us with laughter

Embracing spirit in the way only purity can

You show us how it can be done

In our ignorance we have no idea what you are teaching us

until so many years later

The times shift with this awakening

Kindergarten and Halloween and time posts pass among us

In these experiences I can ignore the attempts of your grandmother to shut us down

I am simultaneously aware and oblivious to her manipulation

It is a time of excitement and fun

Until the dark force surfaces and the awakener must move on

To bring one who strengthens and protects me preparing me for loss again and again

The awakener gone the grounded force of the protector arrives

He returns to his mother of birth to face the force of darkness that we have unknowingly called into our lives

Heartbroken we say goodbye, and let go, thinking it is forever.

We move on with our hearts but shells of their previous expression

Looking for love with my a mind full of expectation,

I can’t even see the error of my ways

I cannot even feel that my heart is not functioning or why

Pain becomes me as the norm

I long for a child again, to feel

but none come

Then unexpectedly you return to me and journey to Sedona

the caretaker of our journey into discernment

You bring with you the power of angels and hope enters that the heart will love fully again

Our time there is short and painful and the separations within our family deepens

As the grandmother attempts to keep bonds of love from forming

You hold us close and keep us focused on the work at hand

Reminding me not to forget joy and creativity in the midst of the pain

In Colorado now

We prepare for your birthday with no idea what is about to hit

I trust my intuitive and we have a special party of pizza,

just us two

Not knowing it is parting

We return to a birthday of being ripped apart

You stolen from our web of healing hearts

To be returned to your mother once again as punishment to us all for daring to attempt to heal,

By the grandmother whose heart has been closed longer than we have been alive

I have only the strength you showed me in the months previous to hold me through this gut wrenching departure

I watch as the car drives away

Your new bike hanging out for which I was not able to teach you to ride.

Walk into the house to face your birthday cake untouched.

Pained so deep promising this time the heart will be suppressed forever

The protector has moved on

Yet to bring a third who is a kindred spirit

More than a child,

a friend in waiting

One who understands what appears to others as something not understandable

The angel arrives of the ashes of the universal souls who held the body awaiting his arrival

He is shaken by the circumstances of his birth into the body of 8 years

A family in ruins lays around him like broken glass shattered on the floor

Words unspoken echo through his existence leaving him with only an empty space to endure

No adults around him know his intent his desire that includes them all

He pushes on as Soul

His mind in survival mode his heart shut down on the surface to the pain of the moment

His life moving moment to moment,

out of his control,

as a child by the dark influence of his world

His mother unable to shift the energy of the petty tyrants she calls into her life

Cut away from his previous expressions I suffer an empty existence as well

Heart closed tightly as a second loss of pure love of child is too much for this heart

I go through motions lost to that which is most important

communication closed there is no knowing of what you do

how you feel

how you grow

even where you are

I end a marriage that was born in the emptiness and grasping of loss of the awakener

The truth of which is surfaced by the loss of the protector

I am called back to Arizona once again

Once again the grandmother finds Myself and Randy and uses you to call us forth

There is no way for either of us not to respond

We have yet to meet the one now in body and yet we cannot stay away

Spirit has placed me in a position where returning to the grandmother is presented as my only choice

I did not then know

That it was spirit returning me to you

and giving me back the power of my heart,

The beginning of my true journey to mastery.

A journey we would take together in more ways than not

We would use the grandmother as the petty tyrant,

the nemesis of heart,

The constant reminder of what a closed heart looked like

What we did not want to be

We would traverse the world of dyslexia and find it’s gifts and strengths

And find that together we share a kinship that is of true soul family

Born of choice not obligation

From this place we have come eight years of trials and tribulation

With the guidance of the divine we have taught ourselves communication and honesty

And found through discussion with each other and spirit values and morals that our hearts could understand

That will take us into a new way

As friends and as family

We have effected the lives of many by the choices we made as souls building a family from scratch out of ruins

I have put up with manipulation and I have endured control of your grandmother

I have lied to myself, with the excuse, it is to serve my own healing

To end patterns

I cannot say it was not used to that end for it was

But to say in truth that the intent of these choices was anything else but love for you

and true desire to continue to be your mother would be more of this denial

Group denial we shared as a family

Denial I allowed even myself so that I did not have to admit to myself the depth of love I have for you in my heart

Thinking in so doing, if I had to lose you again I could endure it through self delusion of having control over the extent of my love for you

Now it is I who is moving on as you are grown and ready to be a man

The next steps of my journey lay before me with heart open to receive it fully for the first time in all these years we have been healing together and this denial cannot be left un-shattered

This love left fully unspoken

We have been given an opportunity over these last couple years to approach this denial

Little bits at a time safely

Your mother would claim you of body and of worldly view

Your grandmother would claim you of ego and control

But I have no need of claim over you for our mother child bond is not of claims or possession

It is of heart and of truth

It cannot be claimed any more than it could be denied

It simply is, what is

I love you with all that I am and that is constant and unchanging

You are a part of me as much as if you were born of my womb

You are the most incredible human being

I am proud to have been able to help you to find your way though this insanity

Or was it the other way around?

All parents love their children

But I wonder how many honestly like them as I do you,

or simply enjoy their company.

I see in you so many gifts and talents and I know you will use them all to serve humanity

How did we raise each other in the midst of suffering and keep the seed of joy that the awakener gave to us both?

I am not sure how any of it happened

We made sacrifices to make it so, that I do know

I want you to know I would make them all again.

There is no sacrifice I made to help you become the man you are now, that was not worth, every moment

You are worth that much to me and to the world with the love you bring forth just by being here on this planet

Without you I would not be who I am

I cannot even imagine who I would be and don’t even want to try

Don’t ever allow anyone to lessen your true heart

It is precious

Keep it open

Continue to love no matter how many losses life could present to you

No matter how many “grandmas” may present themselves into your life

Love is all that maters

That I know as fact for it is you, in your trinity of forms, who made sure I could not forget it

Thank you for coming to earth and especially to me

I Love You

Engtovo ~ February 19, 2002

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