Give Me The Tools I Pray

So tired of the energy fight

Why can’t she sabotage herself without attempting to take me down with her

The resentment is eating me alive

How do I live in the arena of her self deception

Fill me God

Give me strength

Don’t let me give in to old ways of hate

How do I love and accept love from someone who tries to lower me

Lessen me

I can’t fight this fight anymore

Yet I cannot give in for If I do I will die

I cannot let her presence guide me with her ignorance

How do I guide myself uninfluenced by all she does

I must leave here God

There is no way to stop the energetic fight and be in this space together

Not that I can see

If there isI question my ability to take that road if I did see it

I am asking for the tools

The understanding

The love to overcome such an enemy

One who loves you with limitation

Loves you right to your death or destruction

One who cannot see that that death and destruction is what they held out for you

What they pushed you toward

You fought

You pushed back

One day if you stop

Surely you will simply be pushed over the edge of the abyss

Where death and destruction await

She will cry and whine and feel no understanding of her part

She will claim herself the victim of my loss

The sufferer of my pain

I feel sick in the thinking of her and this journey

I wonder how so much healing can occur

But the basic element of our relationship remains toxic

Why am I still here

What is left to see

I have prayed, meditated, healed

What can be left

Am I to die or destruct here

Is she just someone I use to aid in my self destruction

I’ve come to the point where I honestly do not want to die

Or destruct

Is that the point

Staying until I want to live, to love fully

Want to thrive not just survive or exist

If more fighting of the energy is required

You will have to do it God

For I have nothing more left within me to fight with

I have little left to heal with

And yet you fill me continuously

How can this be

How can I be depleted

Everything in your universe is available to me

How can it not be enough to sustain me in my truth

What power do I give her that she should wield it so

How do I stop giving of this power,

this will,

this flow

I have prayed and asked for a gentle loving parting

Now I feel as if my life my very survival is on the line

Although my heart wishes for a parting that is loving

My mind no longer cares

It can be angry parting

My mind is now fighting for me

For my survival instead of against me

Mind body and soul all cry out with deep emotion

To liveI must go now God

Show me the way

Give me the tools to thrive

Take my hand

Walk me out the door

I feel like I have been wandering around with no homeland

No sacred space

No rhythm that is mine

Not because I do not have it but because I have no place to express it

No energy space free of thoughts of those that want to limit me

I want to go home

I want to have a sacred space to hold pure

I want to choose who to allow into it and for what and how long

Maybe I am just too sensitive for this world

Perhaps my prayer should be for a cave

Where I would dwell only with you

See only you

Talk only to you

I know your strength dwells within me

I use it often

Where is it now

I don’t even want to be strong

I want to be away forever from this woman and all who are like her

If she sucked my energy and yours through me and used it in service

Perhaps I could find some basis of understanding

But she sucks it and lets it dissipate and be wasted

She wants me ill so I will remain

It is a sick game

Please give me the tools and understanding to stop it

To end my part

Today

This moment

Let me be free of this

I pray

Engtovo ~ November 6, 2001

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