My pony whispers in my ear daddy

repeating the words you’ll never hear

confidant in fur

only he knows the 10 year old inside

why don’t you?

Where is your game this week daddy

do I have to go?

I’ve things I’d rather do

how would you ever know?

Church on Sunday all proper daddy

does it mean a thing?

we eat grapefruit and Sara Lee

before we go

it’s a ritual it seems

can we go to church without it?

I’ve things I’d rather do daddy

explain to me the point

It’s too bad you don’t know

why it is we go

Do you feel like a proper family man daddy

going through these rituals each week

do you even notice daddy

we don’t even speak?

Let’s go camping daddy

perhaps you’ll come and swim

i’ll have your full attention

If only for a short time

Why did mommy leave daddy

do you even know?

everyone is so confused

only my pony will listen to what I’m feeling

I’m moving in with mom daddy

will you notice when I’m gone?

I’ve given away all my toys daddy

you took them to Goodwill

I think I can’t be a child anymore

who will be the adult?

So I see you sold my pony daddy

I never said goodbye

to you or to him

I didn’t know I needed to daddy

why didn’t you tell me

you would leave with him

leaving me with the illusion that your were ever there

only to know you were not one day

I heard you got married daddy

why didn’t you invite me to the wedding

am I so insignificant a player?

12 year olds have feelings too

I see she has 2 children

both younger than I

perhaps you are starting over

and I am no longer your daughter

was I ever your daughter?

We are moving far away daddy

1800 miles

will you notice that I’m missing?

I tell everyone here about you daddy

how wonderful you are

I almost convinced myself

with those lies

I had a baby daddy

she died right before she was born

you never knew I was pregnant

until you found out what I mourned

would you have dropped everything

and come daddyIf you had known about her at all

no, I understand, your busy

if she had lived you would have

not known her at all

like me

I hope your step children

give you great joy daddy

they are truly the only kids you have

not because of death or great tragedy daddy

only because you didn’t choose to have us

no one kept you away daddy

no angry words were spoken

you were just absent

i’m glad you have them daddy

because you don’t have me

Now I’m 36 daddy

is that a surprise to you?

i’ve told you how I felt in a letter daddy

I think you even heard

but actions are unchanging

and my energy is drained

I’ve found forgiveness daddy

for all the missing years

I’ve come to understand

your oblivious nature and fears

I cannot continue daddy

to propagate this farce

of a father daughter relationship

I truly love you daddy

spent my life trying to prove my worth

now I am through

I am going through a rebirth

I’m cutting you out of my life daddy

in an official declaration

not born in anger

but given to self as a gift

I will never again wonder

if you will call or remember

what you will think of something I do, think, say, or express.

what you will say about my spiritual path

my choices

my life

I’m saying goodbye daddy

I’m giving away with grace

all the pain

the fear

the regret

the unworthiness

I don’t mean to hurt you daddy

as the years have brought you to feel guilt

of the lack of relationship you have

with myself

with my siblings

I’m declaring only my freedom

from bonds of pain we share

It is my right to live in joyousness

to do so I shall let you go

as if I ever had you to begin with

I had grasping and insecurity

these I’ve carried through my life… my relationships

I am simply ceasing to grasp

I hope the rest of your life daddy

is filled with healing

and moments of grace

so you will not have to repeat this pattern again

in another incarnation

another daughter

alone without you to count on.

I wish I could count on you daddy

so I had not called others into my life

to reflect you to my unhealed heart

and waste so many precious years

with pain and anger and bitterness

now those days are over

Goodbye daddy

I’ll be buying a pony now

a confidant in fur

who will let loose the healed 10 year old inside

I could always count on him to be there daddy

maybe you need a pony too

Engtovo ~ July 22, 1999

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