Samantha

Samantha Footprints- b&w (2)

Laying still
Mouth agape
So beautiful
This tiny body
Perfect fingers and nails
I long to see her eyes
Hear a gurgle or a cry
She is of me
This empty vessel I hold
She grew within my womb
We shared a life most intimate
Touching me from inside
She moved and tapped
I dreamed a future for her
Knowing she was a girl
There was no proof then
I just knew
My baby girl
I looked at the little tiny outfits
Imagining her precious smile
I wait while my stomach grows
Feeling her presence
Then movement stopped
I no longer felt her presence
There was an absence of pressure
My heart knew
I did not need the doctor to tell me
My precious daughter was gone
Dead within me
I knew
The tears could not be contained
They flowed in an endless stream
Enough to fill a river of anguish
A relationship ending abruptly
Without explanation
Left with labor to induce
And then this little body
Young and inexperienced
I did not dress you
Or clean you
I did not know I would want to
The cap hides your head misshapen by birth
But you are perfect
Your soul free in the wind
I am alone
The only person who knew you
The only person to grieve you
My beloved one
My daughter
I did not know you would be my only child
But even 10 children could not erase you
You flew away with a piece of my heart
And that is as it should be
In the stillness you live
Sending back love to me

Tatiacha ~ May 18, 2018

Samantha Final

 

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Celestial Event

Planets in motion
Bring up commotion
From deep space it rises
Painful surprises

Here I do lay
Processing this day
Back to the core
To dig up some more

I stand in tatters
Question what matters
This brain eggs me on
Stillness long gone

Seeps out like a gas
Soon this shall pass
Wilderness calls out
Time for a walkabout

Retrieve pieces of heart
Torn sunder at the start
This path straight and true
Obstructions are through

Celestial event unfolds
Just as I was told
The sky though within
Where it has always been

All that is within me
Becomes all it can be
Heart open and pure
The event is now sure

Tatiacha ~ February 11, 2018

The Burning of My Heart

I write lyrics in the day and by night
Hiding them safely away from all view
They are for me alone never to meet music
It’s to scary to let them out into the world
They speak of pain, of love, of anger, and harsh truth
The notebook safely holds them tight
Neatly typed and filed in order

Then the day of anguish came
I am grieving
In this grief so deep there are no rhymes
Lyrics turn to poems
Poems of the one I loved so deep
No greater love has come though
It is the love of mother for child
First I write you are “mine only mine”
And then comes “ I am a mother too and no one knows”
at least a dozen more are to follow
I no longer remember their names
One day, six years after the passing
In a moment of immense fear of being seen
I think if I die tomorrow I do not want anyone to see these
To see my vulnerable inner heart
I am too wounded to share that deeply
And I do not know how
I start a fire and the burning begins
The burning of my heart
It now is the one regret of my life
Oh how I wish I had the memory to call them back
To share with young mothers in loss this grief
That they can know they are not alone in that pain

One poem that came in the night from a voice on the other side
And one lyric survived the burning stuffed away somewhere
Then I stopped writing both poems and lyrics
One day the spirit wrote a poem though me and then one more
I ignored it and moved on
Til the poet muse entered my life
And said you shall write now I assign you this task
She was adamant and was not hearing any arguments
So fulfill this assignment I did
The door opened again and poems flowed out
Once again I wanted to hide
Not allow them to be seen
But spirit said no they must go out
It does not matter if they are seen, only that they can be
I would never heal keeping my heart to myself
And so I stepped them out inch by inch
Hating every moment, fearing I am not sure what
Emotions are universal we all have them
Why would my own be unusual
Why is exposure of them terrifying
Who taught me to surround them in shame
To feel I have no right to them
It is like saying I have no right to be
It must be the same people who always told me to shut up
Told so many times that eventually I did shut up
Not just my verbal words
But my whole heart
Taking me to the day of burning that heart
It will not happen again
I will not be shut up
It may have taken decades
But my voice is strong and won’t be held back
Perhaps no one will listen or care
But I will scream from the rooftops my truth
The place those people lived inside me will hold no sway
I am not that child now, I am a mother
My only child lay dead in my arms at her birth
That pivotal horrible moment of my life
Sent me down the road to spirit
And created poems along the inner pathway.

Tatiacha ~ January 8, 2018

Circle of Silver Shimmers

Sequester complete
She returns to life
Takes control of her outcome
By owning her power
Those demons within
Denied the authority
That authority was given wounded
Unknowing
In pursuit of survival
Those people and events
That tore at her soul
Scared her with pain
Now seen with the eyes of love
The love taught intellectual
Now descended to the core
Clearing out the false hatred
She foisted upon her self
From reflections of others
Now prepared to make choices
Reflective of respect
In harmony with her divine being
Now the choices are not fads
Not plans requiring will power
The impulse to sabotage gone
These plans are now simple
They are acts of choice
Not desperations of victimization
A change in behavior
A total change in lifestyle
Not a means to an end
Yet this true choice brings the end
That she has sought for so long
Because this comes from authentic self
Not inner demon who sought to punish
Crimes not committed
She both sees and feels this true self emerge
Not by magic
But through years of work
Culminating this moment
A puzzle complete
Priorities now obvious and clear
She honors herself
From this day forward
She wears this crown of honor
In a circle of silver shimmers
Hiding nothing
Welcoming the crone with celebration
Not grief
Her misspent youth
Fading into the wisdom it has become
The best years of her life begin today
A woman knowing herself
Standing strong
Blessed with truth
She is released to the will of the Goddess
Emboldened by this flow
True female power holds forth
This does not come from female attractiveness
Not from sexuality
Or fertility to make new lives
It comes from the void of the divine
Where all things come forth
Out of the dark safe cocoon
Transmutation complete
Into the light she is born
Ready to fly
We are taught to watch the pretty young girl
And grieve her passing
Thinking she and her sexuality are the power
But that young woman
Controlled by her hormones
More than her heart and soul
Is the distraction
From the true power that is woman
She sheds her fertility of body
And puts on the cloak of her fertility of spirit
Now she is unstoppable
Untamable
No man can control her
The will of the Goddess becomes her
The tides of man shift
The silver shimmer of women
Honoring the true self
And the earth mother
Come to take back the world
For all life
Millennium to century
Decade to year
Month to Week to day
This female force has inched forward
When the faces of the Goddess
Take action together
The change will be immediate and complete
There will be no turning back
Each sister moved to the core
Those caught in pettiness
Left behind with no place to hide
Will sit in the darkness with unhealed men
Healed men will welcome the Goddess
And the circle will be healed and
The earth returned to balance.

Tatiacha ~ December 12, 2017

 

Greatest Gift

Curious questioning
Bumping the boundaries
Testing the waters
What reality is this
Who are these people
Where is the heart
Are they asleep
Why don’t they hug
Who are we as a unit
Why are they annoyed
Saying mean things
Shut up they say
Hog tied and gagged for speaking
Its all secret
Hidden
No one believes
I am in trouble
She blames me for everything
She gets away with everything
They leave me with shame
For what they have done
I should have acted differently
Then these things would not occur
I know now these lies
Their shortcomings
Transferred on to me
Due to their ignorance
Talking is not a crime
Joyous excitement not to be punished
Questioning a gift
No one wanted to know anything
Shut up shut up
Don’t ask
Be quiet
Don’t tell
Black….
No dad I will not say white
I am not being obtuse
I am seeking answers
Why do you not have any
When you say black
I know it means shut up
I may be a child but I am not stupid
No one stands up for me
When I speak truth
I am told I lie or make things up
When will I be heard
Valued
Trusted
By them the answer is never
By me the answer is today
I was a beautiful child
Curious and bright
Joyous and goofy
Playful and divine
Deserving of goodness and nurturing
I neglect myself
From a lifetime of being neglected
I will nurture myself now
Embrace myself
Love myself
Value myself and that beautiful child I was
As if she were my own precious baby
She makes me smile
I want to play with her
I want to take her swimming
And hear her precious laugh
I want to answer her questions
Find ways for her to follow her curiosity
I will read to her and sing her to sleep
Rubbing her back with gentle sweetness
She will feel safe in my arms
I will protect her with my life
And make sure she knows
She is my greatest gift

Tatiacha ~ October 14, 2017

Un-tethering

I am me and then am me again
Each new me ushering in a whirlwind of questions
How can I be me, when new levels of me keep emerging?
Is there a static me somewhere that I will one day grasp?
Or is this continuously changing me what being me is?
Can any of us know ourselves?
Are we just who we know today, but gone by tomorrow
Days come where I feel separated from any knowing of me
They are fleeting but move my emotions
They cause me to question momentarily why I do anything I do
If there is purpose to any of it
Then with a simple sleep the lack of me dissipates
I awaken feeling like…
Myself?

Is that simply the self of habit?
The self of comfort?
I have habit on the days of missing identity
I may have comfort as well as I am comfortable with questioning everything
It is more like drifting with no anchor
Then wakening the next day firmly in place
I expand and grow with intension
Perhaps I unconsciously release the anchor on purpose
Knowing I will drift to an appropriate new anchorage

There is emotional discomfort in these drifting days
No idea where I am going or why
There is no thread connecting to the past or future
Leaving me nothing to string together in my quest for knowledge
I sit with the emotion and the questions they inspire
Answers do not come
Only more questions
Who am I really?
Who do I want to be?
Who have I been?
And why?
A perceived
Existential crisis of identity
That is only a temporary un-tethering

I realign myself just as unconsciously as I un-tethered myself
Come back to me
In a new personal environment
It looks very much the same
I feel very much the same
But something is different
I am a new me
Again
Yet it does not really feel new
It is somehow known
And so quickly integrated that the day is forgotten by weeks end

 Tatiacha ~ May 7, 2017

 

Figment of my Imagination

Twenty eight years gone by
I hardly can fathom as I write
Since the conspiracy of you began
Whispers in my ear
Validating my dreaming
Telling me all I want to hear
The life and family
The harmony of souls
The now worn out cards of various variety
Torn and tattered are their books
Twenty eight years of questions answered
Yet you are nowhere in sight
I have felt your presence so close
You were almost physical
Then you are gone like a warm breeze
I am told soon, patience, plans, healing
Healing turned into a lifetime
My dreams of you stripped one by one
Are you a figment of my imagination?
A joint delusion of my path,
Simply a carrot held out as reward,
For being dutiful on my journey
You have turned me into an old cynic
I want to believe you still exist
Yet what excuse do we have for one another now
What have we been doing separate
Instead of supporting together
Could we both be that broken?
Did you lose your way?
Leave this planet?
Or did you exist at all?
Perhaps you gave up
Took another love
And gave her my children
Maybe you do not even notice my absence
You could be happy and oblivious
Why can’t my heart give up?
My mind has tried a million times
Why can’t I simply accept this solo journey?
Perhaps it was always meant to be such
But I grieve it all
As if it is real
Maybe you are but a vivid character
Of a book I am yet to write
A novel of unattainable love
That kind that can only survive fiction
I make plans for my life
With all the drawers filled
But when I visualize them into creation
There are always empty drawers for you
No moving forward
No letting go
Just agonizing truth of a ghostly figure
You have no form
Yet somehow I know your smile
You simply torture me
Heart weary I question
If you showed up now
Would I even care?
Would I even want you?
Could you even be half the man envisioned?
Could I be even half the woman you envisioned?
Or would we just be two disillusioned hearts
I process the anger
For the lifetime of support I did not have
Where were you?
My partner
My friend
My lover
Father of the children I do not have
Grandfather of the grandchildren that will never come
Why did I think you were worth waiting for?
What makes you so god damn special
Was there no plan B or C?
My imagination vivid
Visions so clear
Facts are fictions and maybe fictions facts
This day I sit alone and write
And you are not here
I may declare I am done with this
But I will awaken to a new day
And you will be there
Still invisible, untouchable
Mocking me
I will be a split personality
One part that never stops believing
And another that can’t sustain you
So much for 28 years of healing
There is no healing the figment of my imagination
Because he might be real.

Tatiacha ~ February 4, 2017